Spider Woven
by Death Makes An Artist
Summary: This is a story of fear, of being dropped into that dark place inside all of us and touching death. It's a story about life after hurt, of putting one foot in front of the other no matter how painful it may be. It's also a story about falling in love with your best friend and hoping that, maybe, one day, she'll love you back. Rated sexual assault, self harm, sexual intimacy. A/A
1. Chapter 1

Spider Woven

_Heiress not only to the Cabot fortune but the Cabot name and all the political pull associated, Alexandra Cabot is already on a career path heading straight for the governor's office – or, if her family and political associates would have their way, a federal bench. But, her life takes an unexpected turn as she's assigned to the Special Victims Unit to oversee case management in the NYPD 16__th__ Precinct, and she finds herself heading in a questionable direction. Alex/OC, Alex/Abbie_

Content Warning: This Fic contains graphic descriptors of sexual assault and physical violence. I will be putting a warning label on the more graphic chapters, but please bear in mind that there is a potential for a trigger to exist in any chapter. If, at any time, you feel you need further assistance with a personal or emotional reaction to a scene, please do not hesitate to contact RAINN or your local crisis center. As always, you are welcome to PM me, and I will help as I can.

Chapter One

CONTENT WARNING – **Graphic** sexual assault

His hand caressed her cheek in the elevator, and Alex pushed her face closer. She really enjoyed spending time with him. He was patient and gentle, and he always had something exciting up his sleeve. That evening, it had been a ride on his yacht with dinner and dancing. Both of them had even done the unthickable and stripped down to their under garments, jumping into the cold bay waters. He had held her as she shivered, wrapped in a thick blanket after they had climbed out, Alex's lips quickly turning blue. With her head against his chest, she had muttered those three words that, at twenty five, she never thought she would say to anyone. It had all been in celebration of her promotion at work, and he really knew how to make her feel special.

She had not wanted the night to end, but she did need to get some sleep before work the following morning. It was going to be a long day, and she had a feeling that winning over a handful of new collegues was not going to be easy. As a prosecutor, Alex had proven her worth in just a couple of years, rising through misdemeanor and felony courts quickly enough to be considered for a special assignment. It was a project, amoung the first of its kind at the District Attorney's office. For the most part, prosecutors were either assigned general dockets or specialized dockets, but the officers and detectives on the cases changed constantly. Even in specialized prosecution such as Homicide or White Collar, with so many different precincts in New York, the ADAs hardly had time to get to know all of the detectives as they marched by with their binders and baskets and boxes of evidence asking them to prosecute. General dockets were even more messy because the officers were almost never the same it seemed. Hundreds of police officers in the city gave way to only a handful of attorneys handling each type of case.

For her, though, she had been assigned a set group of detectives. Of the Special Victims prosecutors, she would be the only one taking cases from the 16th precinct, and the 16th precinct would only be relying on her as a prosecutor. Given the level of crime in the area, it was expected that Alex's docket would only be slightly less intense than those dockets of the other attorneys in the unit. She would handle all SVU related misdemeanors and felonies that filtered through the 16th, and if that was successful, there was a chance of implimenting similar programs in the other specialty units in the higher crime or more sensative crime precincts. That, and, it was her understanding, the Police Comissioner thought that SVU in the 16th was getting a little too out of hand and playing fast and loose with their cases. She was assigned to nanny them, as well: a task she was dreading.

"Looks like you're thinking pretty hard about something," he teased as they stopped at her door and he pulled her close.

Smiling, she wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing his lips lightly. "Just thinking about how I don't want to go to work tomorrow and how I don't want tonight to end," Alex murmured. "You're so perfect, Peter. I couldn't imagine a better man."

Peter laughed softly. "You're perfect, too, Aly. You're my little cub. Can I see you to bed tonight?"

Nodding, Alex untangled from her boyfriend and unlocked her door, leading him inside as she hung up her jacket and dropped her keys on the stand by the door. Her place was modern and minimalist, kind of like her. Along one wall was a massive bookshelf covered in all kinds of books. The vast majority were legal or politically related, but some of them were science fiction. There were a handful of romance novels tucked away on one shelf, some historical works as well as historical fiction. Her most read section, though, included the autobiographical section. She had a thing for reading about other people's lives through their own eyes. It was fun, she thought, seeing how people saw themselves and the world around them.

In the entirety of her apartment, Alex did not keep a television, so a painting hung on the wall where a television might normally be kept. It was an authorized and licensed repaint of a work by Artemisia Gentileschi. It had been a gift to her by the artist, a professional forger if such a thing might be believed. In return, she had allowed him to paint an original piece of her, her body stretched out on a long, red fainting couch, naked except for a semi-translucent cloth that covered her more intimate parts. It was the most she had ever bared herself for anyone since becoming an adult, but Ben had been so kind about it. It had helped Alex immensely that his husband had been there helping her to pose in a comfortable but elegant manner. That painting had been given to her as well after it had been on display in Ben's gallery in the heart of the New York City art district.

Almost naked, her pose and the way Ben had painted her just screaming sex, Alex had been seen by hundreds of curious eyes, and many recognized her from the painting the night she had gone to the gallery. In the end, though she had handled it with grace, it had been largely embarrassing to have people compliment her naked beauty.

But, that had been almost three years ago, well before Peter had come into her life. She knew from the nearly two years they had spent together that Peter would never have approved of his girlfriend posing in such a manner. As such, Alex also had not shown him the painting which hung in her bedroom. It was strange because she was very much not like that. The real Alexandra Cabot was not a sexual person. She had never seen a man naked, not really. She didn't count the subway flashers or the photographs of crime scenes she had seen as an ADA. It was not so much that she did not know or did not want it, but she did not want to just randomly have sex with anyone, even if it were someone she was seeing. Perhaps it was a bit old fashioned, especially considering how liberal her mother's views on sex had been, but she wanted to wait until she was certain of herself. That might not have meant until marriage, but she just sort of figured that when she knew, she would know.

Leaving Peter sitting on the couch, studying the painting, Alex put a kettle on the stove for tea. "Are you excited for tomorrow, at least?" Peter asked. He had been trying to get her to tell him about her new position all evening, but Alex had not wanted to explain it to him lest it make him see her in a new light. She wanted to test the waters first before bringing him into that world. While both she and her family had always been involved with victims' rights movements, and Peter knew that, she did not know how she would adapt to being fully submerged in sex crimes, domestic violence, and child abuse.

"Yes," she answered, carrying the two cups of tea out into the living room and sitting beside Peter, her head on his shoulder. "Admittedly, I'm nervous as well. From what I hear, the detectives are not looking forward to getting an ADA assigned to them." She shook her head, sighing.

Peter ran his fingers soothingly through her hair. "Yeah, but, you're Alexandra Cabot, honey. You'll go in there, take charge, take names, kick ass, and come out on top. We both know it." He smiled down at her, warm and infectious. In a moment, she was smiling back, grateful beyond words to have found a man who did not mind that she was not only an independant woman but an independant woman who still liked reassurances and compliments. She was a political powerhorse at a young age already, and she had been worried that Peter might be scared off by the fact that she did run her own world. But, he was older than the other men she had ever dated, almost eight years her senior, and that seemed to have been enough time for him to mature and mellow out.

Alex draped her arm over Peter's abdomen, playing with the belt loop on his jeans. "I told you that I love you, right?" she murmured sleepily, the words still new and delightful on her tongue.

"Mmhm," Peter murmured, his fingers capturing her chin and bringing her mouth up to his. He kissed her, deeply and passionately, in that way that he seldom kissed her, his fingers tentatively rubbing up her side. Alex felt her body respond gently, a mild curiousity for more. She did not stop his movements. He knew her stipulations to her sexual progressions, and he had always been respectful of them before even though he had confessed to her that he had multiple female partners, especially in college.

Hooking a finger over the top of her pants, Peter tugged until Alex caught on, sliding over his lap. She felt what she assumed to be his erection between her legs, but she was so caught up in the kiss and the mixed fluttering sensations in her own stomach, that she was not paying that much attention. His hands slid over her stomach, the cloth of her shirt still between them, but she froze as his hands made their way up to her breasts, squeezing gently over her bra.

Breaking the kiss, Alex sat up, pushing his hands away. "Peter," she murmured, "I – I don't know." She shook her head, but when he made to move his hands, she let his wrists go.

"Baby, I won't hurt you, I promise. You're beautiful. I want you to know that." He reached up, stroking her hair from her face and tucking it behind her ear. "I love you, remember? You love me. Just try it, see if you like it. You can trust me." He paused, giving her a confused look. "Right?"

Still unsure but worried about the expression on his face, Alex nodded. "Yea, okay, but go slow, alright. I don't – I'm not ready for – but if we go slow, maybe someday, okay?" She bit her lip.

"That's my girl," Peter said, stroking his fingers through her hair again. His hands moved down her back, bringing her closer to him again, his mouth catching hers. His hands moved down to cup her rear, pulling her tighter and closer to him, and she felt a sense of excitement rush through her belly, something tugging at her even further down.

"You like that?" he whispered, sucking at her ear as he rocked her over him again.

Surprised, Alex nodded. "Yea," she whispered back, and he repeated the motion, slowly several times as he nibbled at her ear and her neck. Alex hummed her approval, arching automatically, exposing more of her neck to him. He splashed kisses across her neck before returning to her mouth. More aroused than she had ever been with a boyfriend in her life, Alex readily accepted being kissed.

With effeciency that told Alex he was experienced, Peter flipped them so that he was lying above her on the couch, one hand on the arm, propping himself over her. "You're beautiful, Cub," he murmured, his free hand trailing the length of her body from her neck through her breasts and down her stomach. He deliberately moved away from her pants, and she smiled. She knew she was safe with him, that he would not do anything without her being ready. He was a godsend after she and her last boyfriend split after only six months because he was pissed off that she wouldn't have sex with him.

Peter carefully caressed her breasts and stomach, his fingers dancing over her neck as he watched her with what Alex would describe as appreciative eyes. He watched her body the way she watched paintings in the Louvre. There was this appreciation of form and unique style in his eyes, like he would always care for her and treat her right. When he popped the top button of her blouse, he looked to her, asking silent permission. Alex nodded, and he popped a second button. His hand moved over the warm, flushed skin of her chest, pushing her comfort zone, but very carefully not breaking it. "You like that, huh, Aly?"

"You're so gentle," she replied, her voice hushed and strained, shocking her. She shifted beneath him, and felt an electricity run the course of her body that was new and intriguing.

He laughed softly. "You're turned on," he said, as if explaining to her what she was feeling. "Can I take your shirt off?"

Alex hesitated, her lips pressed together. On one hand, she enjoyed what she was feeling. She was enjoying the touch and the closeness. On the other, outside of swimming, she had never been without a top in front of company, and even then, she had her swim suit top on. Or, in the case of earlier that night, he had not seen her for more than a second before she had hurriedly jumped in the water.

"Hey, it's okay. I don't have to, but it's really just like wearing that cute red swim suit you wore all summer. I'm pretty sure your bra covers more of you up, anyway. If it makes you feel better, I'll take my shirt off, too." He offered a soft giggle that told her she understood how nervous she was.

Given that point, Alex nodded. He was right about that. The grey and white bra she was wearing covered up more than the red halter style bikini top. "Okay, sure," she murmured.

He was careful and attentive as he undid the remaining buttons, pushing the blouse over her shoulders. Peter helped her sit up just enough that she could discard it before he pushed her back down, peppering kisses over her chest where his hand had just been. Alex felt her body swell internally, a discomfort rising between her legs, her nipples pinched in a mixture of pain and pleasure. Her body felt like it was on fire, but her mind was also conflicted.

As Peter's mouth covered an exposed portion of her breast, sucking, his hand moved to her bra, fingers tracing the fabric of the cup where it met her skin. Despite the rush between her legs, though, her mind froze. It was too much, too fast, and she put a hand to his chest to stop him. "Peter," she whispered, shaking her head. He did not even bother glancing at her as his fingers pushed her bra cup down and he took her nipple in her mouth. The wave of fear rose up at the same time as the wave of pleasure, and she moaned, even as she pressed her hands to his shoulders, pushing him away from her body. "Peter, no. Stop. I'm not – I'm not, this is too fast."

His eyes rolled up to her eyes, and she felt his tongue flick over her still hardened nipple. That every nerve ending was screaming pleasure was in massive conflict with her mind which was screaming at the rest of her body to stop responding, that she was outside of her comfort zone doing something she was not quite ready to do.

"You're enjoying it, Cub," he mused. "Why don't you just let yourself enjoy it? I can smell your arousal from here. I've never seen a woman so turned on as you are right now."

Alex shook her head. "I'm afraid, Peter," she said, hoping he would accept that and sit up. She did not even want to return to the petting or the attentions he had been giving her. Now that her brain had switched back on, she was ready to be done, take a shower, and call it a night.

"You're safe with me," he insisted, exposing her other breast with a quick movement of his hand.

"I know, but this is too fast," she tried, suddenly hyper aware that he was two hundred and fifty pounds of six foot tall muscle pressing her down into the couch. The tingling sensation in her body and the hard, uncomfortable pull between her legs was dissipating.

His mouth covered her second nipple, though, and her conflicted body responded, her nipple instantly hardening in his mouth, the pull between her legs returning at full strength. He rocked himself against her, and she could feel his erection against her own center. That was enough.

"Peter," she said, her voice firm as she placed her hands on his shoulders and pushed. "Stop. Now."

He looked up at her, as though humoring her, though she was very aware that he had not budged even as she pushed against him with what leverage she had given her position. "Come on, Cub," he said, "you can't be a tease, get a guy all worked up. I thought you were enjoying it. I don't even need to check, and I know you're slick as oil."

"Get off me," Alex commanded, her voice going dark. It was the tone she used to garnish attention and control over a crowded room or a court room or a jury. It was the one that said she was the ultimate authority, even when she wasn't. It had a history of stopping people in their tracks, but this time, Peter hardly seemed phased. As she went to push him again, he sat up just enough to grab both of her wrists, pushing her hands down against the arm of the couch. She tried to wiggle out from under him, but he held her fast with his own body weight.

"I don't understand," he said, a small frown on his face. "You were enjoying it. Tell me what was too fast. Don't just shut me out, Alex. Not when we were both clearly enjoying ourselves."

Alex shook her head. "I don't want to have sex, Peter."

"We weren't having sex, Alex. You can't tell me that it didn't feel good to have someone paying attention to you like that. I know you read romance novels, honey. Don't any of them have sex scenes in them?"

Alex pressed her lips together. Of course they did. It was a stupid question, and she was too confused in her own mind to bother answering.

Peter took her silence as an answer. "Didn't you wonder what it would feel like? That's all, baby. I love you, Aly. I'll take care of you. You just have to trust me."

"I love you, too, Pete. It's not that. It's not that I don't trust you. I just – I can't right now, that's all. Yes, I want to try some of the things I've read, Pete. I mean, it's just soft core stuff, but I -"

"Then, try some, with me," Peter cut her off, pressing his lips into hers. She felt the fear that had built up begin to drain away. "Your body is hyper responsive, Aly. It's beautiful. You're beautiful. Come on, let's go lay down where you're more comfortable. I won't suck your breasts, I promise. I'll just use my hands, like I was before. Although, they're wonderful, Alex." As he spoke, he released one of her wrists, his hand caressing her breast, his fingers rolling her nipple until it was hard again. "Your body is amazing. I want you to experience it, baby."

"Please, Pete. I don't want to," Alex whispered, turning her head so that she did not have to look into his intense eyes any longer. "I just want to go to bed."

Peter finally stood up, and Alex felt a sigh of relief bubble through her. "Alright, let me at least tuck you in."

Deciding it would be too unfriendly of her to just throw him out, Alex nodded, and Peter followed her into her bedroom. She grabbed a night slip from her drawer and disappeared into the bathroom to change while Peter waited in the bedroom.

When Alex came back out of the bathroom, her hair brushed down and face scrubbed, Peter was standing in her room, staring at the painting that had been gifted to her. "Wow, baby. You look amazing in that painting. Where did you get it?"

"It was a gift a few years ago," Alex explained. "A friend of mine at the time needed models for a gallery. He used his artistic vision to enhance me significantly." Alex offered a nervous laugh, trying to detract from the fact that everything about the painting screamed sex, and she had just gotten through telling Peter that she was not ready for sex.

Peter turned, his eyes skimming Alex's body. In the night slip, it was a little more exposed, the slip stopping halfway down her thighs. It clung to her body, too, and without a bra on, Alex realized that her still erect nipples were far more pronounced. "God, you're beautiful," Peter growled. "Can I kiss you?"

"Just a quick kiss, Pete. I do need to go to bed. I have to be up early tomorrow." Before she could move, her boyfriend had stepped closer to her, his mouth over hers, pressing hard. His hand clutched her rear, pulling her up and closer. Her hands were trapped between his body and hers, and she could not get leverage enough to push him away. With his hands grabbing and pulling the way they were, Alex realized that, unless she wanted to fall back, she would have to spread her legs to get better footage on the floor. The moment she did, though, Peter pulled her up, one hand supporting her body while the other supported her back, and she yelped, automatically wrapping her legs around him for fear of being dropped.

He walked her back to the bed, pushing her down as he climbed back on top of her, and she turned her head. "Please, Peter. I need to go to bed."

"Prove that you trust me, first, Aly," Peter whispered. "You're my little cub, and I love you and I trust you, but you're acting like you're not able to trust me right now, and, honestly, Alex, that hurts. You said you loved me tonight. I've known I've loved you for almost two years, but I wanted to wait until you loved me, too. If you love me, prove it, Cub. I'm just asking to be able to make you feel good."

Alex shook her head. "Peter, please, don't," she whispered, but as she watched his sad face, a part of her was realizing the inevitable. He had made his choice, and she knew, in the back of her mind she knew, she was the victim of his consequences.

Her slip had ridden up when he had carried her, and his hands strayed downward, bunching the fabric and pushing it higher, exposing the fact that she slept without underwear. He was still between her legs, and he rocked himself against her. She felt her body, still on edge, react and tighten. "Peter, please don't," she whispered.

"Relax, Aly," he replied, his fingers stroking her cheek. "Just enjoy it."

Closing her eyes, Alex turned her face away from him, the demand and fight draining from her body. She knew in a physical battle, he would slaughter her. The urge to try, to strike him, faded. She hoped only that he would see that she was not participating and would stop. She did not want him to be this, to be what she would be prosecuting. She felt a tear slip from between her eye lids, and she scrunched her face, resolving not to cry. Cabots did not cry.

He pushed the slip higher, his mouth returning to her breasts, and he sucked, nipped, and licked as well as rolled her skin through his fingers until they were rigid areas on her body, and she was fighting the urge to moan as he paid them a sick kind of hommage. As he pulled her nipple between his teeth, though, she lost control, moaning, her back arching. "There you go, baby," he whispered as she looked at him again. "It's okay to enjoy this. Just relax. Let me in. If you do, then I'll know how much you love me."

"But, you don't love me," Alex whispered, her voice with that depressing hint of final resignation. She tried to catch his eyes, but when he looked at her, he was so certain of himself, and she was still so confused and frightened. She looked away.

"Of course I do, Cub. Let me prove it to you by doing something most guys would never want to do for a woman." He pressed a kiss into her abdomen, trailing light kisses down her body to her genitalia. She tried to tighten her legs when she realized where he was headed and push him away, but his body between her legs prevented it, and, in one easy movement, he grabbed Alex's wrists in one large hand, holding them against her stomach. "Don't fight it, Alex. I promise, you'll like it. With how bothered you were getting with me rocking against you, you'll like it."

With his other hand, he ran a finger through the folds of her sex, and she jumped sharply. Despite never having been with anyone else, Alex had masturbated on more than one occassion, but the new sensation of someone else's fingers there was just shocking, especially considering her particular circumstances. Pushing her labia aside, Peter ran his tongue between her legs, sucking on her clit. Alex moaned, her hips rising of their own accord as he repeated the gesture. "Oh, Alex, look how turned on you are. How can you possibly say you're not enjoying this? You're so wet. And, oh, you taste so good, baby. I could eat your pussy all day."

Alex cringed internally, but she could not stop herself when he took her clit into his mouth again. She moaned, writhing under his body. In truth, she was wiggling to get away. She understood what he was doing to her, that he was deliberately and forcefully bringing her to a very unwanted orgasm, and she wanted to get away. She did not want him to have that satisfaction. Quite frankly, she wanted all of it to stop. She wanted him to stop and to get off her and to leave, and, at that point, she did not care if she never saw him again.

"Please," she tried, though her previous attempts at begging and pleading with him had fallen on deaf ears. "Peter, I don't want this. This isn't how I want my first time to be. Please, don't do this. Please, pl-" She drew a sharp breath as he pushed his fingers inside of her, and the words died on her lips. She clenched her fists, focusing on the pain in her hands, grinding her teeth together, but biomechanical engineering and neurosciences won over in the end, and her orgasm tore through her, rocking her body and leaving her mind swimming in a sea of blank.

Peter's voice met her through the fog. "Oh, God, Aly Cub. That was amazing. See, I told you you'd like it. You just had to give it a chance."

In silence, she stared at him, her battle lost not only with that aspect of her body, but also in the tears she had been fighting. As the trail of quiet tears started, falling from her eyes into her hair and pooling in her ears, Alex dropped her head back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. She heard him undo his belt. The sound of his zipper was like thunder to her ears. She felt the bed move under his weight as he climbed back on, pressing the head of his erection against her. She did not move. She just continued to stare at the ceiling, tears racing down the sides of her face.

"I bet your pussy feels amazing," Peter said.

"Please," Alex said, her voice hoarse. "Please, Pete, I don't want this. Please don't rape me."

Peter laughed softly as he began to work himself into her. "You do want it, Alex. If you didn't, you wouldn't have come, and you certainly wouldn't have come as hard as you did. Your bed spread is soaked. God, you're so fucking tight. I love it." He thrust hard into her, moaning as he bottomed out. Alex jerked, crying out in pain. But, he was gentle, at first, when he moved, as if he really were engaging in a consensual act. She was only vaguely aware of his face above her, his fingers on her cheeks. Her fingers clutched the comforter beneath her as she willed herself to stop breathing. Dying, she thought, was surely better than this. He kissed her, but she did not respond, and, frustrated, Peter slapped her, startling Alex out of her stupor.

"Kiss me, bitch," he demanded. Again, she refused. And, again, he slapped her. The third time he tried to kiss her, she kissed him back, and he reached a hand between them, his fingers finding her clit again. A fresh wave of tears filled her eyes and washed over as she felt her body respond. "That's a good girl. You're a fucking freak, Aly." His words were hot against her ear as he nibbled the lobe. "All the good girls who stay virgins this long are fucking freaks in bed. You'll be a goddamn slut in no time. Oh, my God. You feel so good. That's it, baby. Don't be afraid to come again. Come all over my cock."

His fingers over her clit moved faster as he thrust himself hard into her. In that moment, and for every moment after, Alex hated friction. She hated every nerve ending in her own body. She hated that her body seemed to be able to act separately than her brain, that she could not control herself. She hated that she had lost control. Alex felt her whole body tighten as he forced her into a second orgasm. The worst part about it was that he did not let her stop. His fingers had found that sweet spot along her clit, and his mouth on her neck drove electricity throughout her entire body that she shivered and twtiched, panting and moaning until the mix of twisted, disfigured pleasure turned into a sharp pain as he groaned, finally ejaculating inside of her. She felt him pull himself out of her, and only then did he stop fingering her sex as he lay down beside her, stretched out.

He danced his fingers along her skin, and she twitched, sobbing every time she did. "That was perfect, Alex," he whispered, touching her face. She swatted at his hand before pushing her tears away. "I know it hurts, baby. It hurts the first time, but it couldn't have been that bad; you were like the fucking Energizer bunny. You just started coming, and, wow, Alex. I mean it, baby. You're special. I bet I could make you come again, huh?" He rubbed his fingers along her center, and she gasped, her eyes flying open wide. "Tell me you want me to make you come again, Aly. I wanna hear you say it. It would be so hot."

Alex remained mute, resolved to do everything in her power to ignore his presence. Once more, though, his hand met her cheek. She did nothing. He slapped her again, hard enough that her head actually rolled to the side. But, she adjusted to look straight up again. "Tell me, Aly. Be a good little slut and tell me you want me to make you come again."

"I want you to leave," Alex whispered. "I want you to get out of my house, and I want you to never contact me again."

That seemed to piss Peter off, though, because he was on top of her stomach, hands around her throat, and Alex found herself gagging. "Don't you fucking tell me what to do, you brat. You're my whore now. Do you understand?" Alex clawed at his hands, trying to pry him off her, but his grip only tightened, releasing only once she nodded her head. "What are you?" When she did not respond, he slapped her. "What are you?"

Alex sobbed, closing her eyes as she said the only thing she could possibly think to be the answer that he wanted. "Your whore," she whispered.

"Good girl. And, what do you want?" he asked, his voice belying the smile on his face.

"I want -" She swallowed, trying not to cry even harder than she already was. "I want you to make me come again."

"That's a good pet," Peter murmured. "Where do you keep your toys?"

"Please, Peter," Alex whispered, "I can't. My body hurts too much. Please don't make me."

"I said, 'where do you keep your toys,' whore? Don't make me repeat myself again, Alex. You won't like the consequences."

Shaking, Alex reached over to the nightstand and opened the top drawer. She pulled out a small, purple bullet, holding it up. "It's the only thing I have, Peter," she said.

He laughed, taking it. "See? You're a total freak."

Alex checked out the moment he touched the small device to her body. She was sure her body was reacting how he wanted it to, but her brain had stopped registering the feelings. Mostly, it was just pain at that point, but she could not stop. She was just gone. Her body was not hers any longer, and even though she was acutely aware of what he was doing to her, she could not feel her own arms or legs or the weight of him on top of her. In a way, she would have described it like she was sitting on the bed beside herself and him, watching him do things to her. She thought about reaching out and slapping herself, but she could not quite do it. She existed outside of herself, but even there, she did not exist at all.

From outside of herself, she watched him lay beside her, holding her, like this really was just some fetish and she was a fully consenting party to it. From outside herself, she watched him as he became erect again. She watched him slap her, yell at her until she turned on all fours and crawled to the side of the bed where he forced himself down her throat. Even in the world where she did not exist, she felt him in her throat, she struggled to breathe, but his hand in her hair only tightened. It was like watching some terrible porn flick. Her body was a rag doll to him, and she was this outside observer who could not stop it. When he turned her around on the bed, though, her movements sluggish, her arms dragging as if her body was starting to give out, she held her breath. From outside of herself, she watched him spit on her anus, her stomach churning, but the pain brought her back to her body with a scream.

She jerked, her arms buckling as she collapsed onto the bed, his hands on her hips as he violated her. Alex sobbed, fully and sickeningly aware that she was face down in her own ejaculate, that he had done it on purpose. He was literally rubbing her face in the fact that he had more control over her body that night than she did.

"Oh, God, you're such a whore, Aly. But, you're my whore, aren't you? I have everything. No other man can have what I've got, can he, Aly? I've got your virginity, don't I? In every sense of the word." He pet her hair as he leaned over her, grinding himself inside of her. "I want an answer, Cub."

"Yes," she croaked.

"Yes, what?"

"You have my virginity, you graceless bastard," Alex answered.

Peter grabbed her hair and pulled her up until he could grab her neck, holding her body against his, one hand around her neck, the other hand between her legs. "For that, Aly," he said, his panting breath close to her ear, "I'm going to make you come until you pass out."

In a panic, she clawed at his hands and arms until he retaliated by tightening his grip until her arms went slack. Her whole body began to go slack, and then it tensed, and she tried to scream as stars exploded behind her eyes.

The next thing she knew, he was standing over her by the bed using her nightslip to wipe his limp penis. She could see the blood on the light blue material, and she cringed. A quick glance at the comforter told her that it was not just a little bit of blood. Blood streaked the comforter, and Alex felt her stomach churn, a burning sensation move up her throat. With a great deal of effort, she managed to pull herself to the side of the bed and grab the small trash can that was meant for tissues when she was sick and throw up.

Panting, she looked up at Peter as he finished pulling his clothes on. He walked over to her, crouching down at her level. He held her face in his hand, kissing her forehead. "You may feel nauseous for a few days, Aly Cub. That was an intense fuck, baby, but you're a natural. God, you're such a good lay." He pressed his lips against hers. "I love you, Cub."

"I hate you," Alex whispered.

Peter just laughed, dropping her face and leaving.

Once she heard the door shut, Alex slowly worked on what hurt and where, moving first her fingers, then her hands and wrists. Mostly, she was alright except that her body just felt exhausted and heavy, and her muscles were sore. Glancing up, Alex checked the clock on the wall of her bedroom. It was nearly four am, and in an hour, she was going to need to be getting ready for work. They had gotten back to her place a little after nine which meant that for approximately seven hours, he had sexually abused her body. As that fact occurred to her, Alex leaned over the bed, throwing up a second time.

It took her almost thirty minutes before she was able to feel confident that she could walk without falling, and she scooted off the bed, rolling to a stand. Her legs were still shakey, and pain ricochetted around her rear and up her spine. Her stomach screamed in pain, and walking made her genital region throb with a sharp, bounding pain, but she was up and on her feet.

For several seconds, she stared at the bedding, pulled and tossed around on the bed and floor like carnage. And, in a way, that was what it represented to her. He had killed a part of her that night, and the evidence was strewn about her on the floor.

Only one question remained – did she call the police, or did she go to work?

As she weighed the consequences and implications of both, she wobbled to her dresser, grabbing for her phone. She had accidentally left it behind when Peter had picked her up earlier that night, so it was still on the charger as if nothing had happened. Dialing her boss's cell, Alex leaned against the dresser, panting.

"Jack," she hissed into the phone, "it's Alex Cabot. I won't be coming into the office this morning. I'm going to take an extra couple of hours and just go straight to the Moris meeting at one."

"Sure, Alex. Are you alright?" her boss asked on the other end of the line. "You sound like you're in pain."

"Stubbed my toe," Alex lied.

"Okay. See you this afternoon."  
"Thanks." She hung up the phone, tossing it back onto the dresser before stumbling her way into the bathroom, practically falling into the shower. She could hardly go to the police. His defense would be that it was consensual, kinky sex. That was the last thing she needed out in the public forum considering her background and where she was going. That being said, that left her a little under eight hours to put herself back together to meet the new group of detectives she would be working with.

She turned the water on as hot as the building would allow and sank to the floor of her shower, finally crying without holding back.

When the water was cold and she had no more tears left, she stood, her legs far less shakey than they had been. It occurred to her that she was probably dehydrated and in need of a blood sugar pick up, and while the idea of drinking or eating anything sounded appalling, she still needed her strength to get through the day, and she had to act like nothing was wrong. Mindful of her injuries, Alex carefully scrubbed herself. Once the ache in her muscles had begun to die away, she found that the only real pain she was in was her anal area, pressumably from where he had torn her during penetration. The hot water had calmed the pain in her vaginal area, though it was still a little sore and swollen.

Mostly, though, her thoughts were consumed by the fact that she had orgasmed, not once, and not even twice. She was torn up over the notion that what she had experienced after their touching games stopped being consensual had still been pleasurable. She had brought herself to orgasm before with the bullet she had given him at his demand, but it had never been anything remotely close to the stars she had seen every time he had brought her to that point. It killed her inside to think that the first time a man had done anything that, under consensual circumstances, would have been remotely sexual, the circumstances had been anything but consensual. And, on top of that, there was a large part of her that thought she would never acheive that kind of orgasm during a consensual act. That frightened her the most. As she stepped out of the shower, she could not help but think that a part of her must have wanted it. A part of her, she reasoned, was a sick, twisted freak who liked being raped.

And, that set her off in a new series of tears.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two.

Small blessings meant that there were no visible bruises on Alex's body. She was still bleeding rectally, but a pad in her underwear concealed that. She pulled on a pair of old sweats and an old shirt before grabbing a trash bag and throwing her comforter, bed sheets, and pillows into the bag. She did the same with the clothes she had worn the previous night, her night slip, the towel she had used to dry herself with after the shower, and the clothes she had worn to clean everything up in. All of it, she was going to place in the dumpster in the alley behind her building. On the way home from work, she would stop by the furniture store and purchase a new bed. The people who delivered it would take the old mattress and box spring as well as the headboard. She had no problems with that as long as it was out of her home.

Dressed in a moderately conservative skirt suit, Alex stared at herself in the mirror. The darker beige of the suit made her entire person look very neutral. She blended in with everything, and that was precisely what she wanted in that moment. Her hair was down and straightened, not atypical, but wearing it down carried with it a new meaning for her. Alex pressed a hand to her stomach, fighting the tears that wanted to come. "You're a Cabot. You've got this," she coached herself, exhaling slowly. "It's just an act."

She carried the two garbage bags down the hall as she left, tossing them in the trash chute that led to the dumpster. "Okay. I'm okay," she whispered, shaking herself as she turned to walk back down the hall.

She walked the distance to the meeting, needing the air and ability to think in a less crowded area. The thought of taking the subway at the moment made her nauseous. She felt dirty enough as it was, broken enough without adding to the pain. Plus, it would give her a chance to figure out the whole walking while in pain issue so that she appeared, at least, to walk normally.

By the time she reached the Moris meeting, she was feeling significantly more confident about her abilities to cover up any tell tale signs of injury and she had managed to convince the majority of her brain to jump into prosecutor-politician mode, a skill she was very well versed in. Shaking Cragen's hand almost made her want to vomit, and a fleeting memory from the night before flew behind her eyes as he walked away such that she had to hurry to catch up with him. Fortunately, her mind was two steps ahead of her conscious ability, and she was keeping up with speaking, firing off in the typical Cabot fashion.

When he asked her who she was sleeping with, though, she froze, her mind conflicted between the present and the night prior. It was not so much that she was worried he would think she was sleeping with someone in exchange for the promotion because she had heard that rumor before. The fact of the matter was that she was a skilled prosecutor, even young, and she had earned it. She knew that. McCoy knew that. Everyone else could go to hell. Stumbling mentally, Alex just stood in the middle of the hall as the Captain walked away.

For most of the rest of the day, Alex hid away in her office, familiarizing herself with her new case load as well as the psych evaluations of each detective in the unit. As long as she sat in her chair in a particular manner, it did not hurt to sit. Every couple of hours, she went to the bathroom to change her pad, sometimes cry, and swish her mouth out with warm, soapy water. At some point, she ordered a new version of her old mattress and box spring as well as a new headboard that she thought was good enough to get her through the next few months while she pulled her brain back together, skipping the whole piece about having to go to the furniture store and just calling the store with her order and credit card number. It was due to be delivered that evening around eight. That was good enough for her. She doubted that she would be sleeping in the bedroom ever again, anyway, but the whole place needed to look normal if she had any hope of moving forward.

At six, she clocked out, leaving a note on the area secretary's desk that she had a doctor's appointment early in the morning and would be in by ten. Then, she went to the bar down the street from the police plaza. It was hardly the typical one that she went to, but it was a police bar, and that made her feel safer. The last time she had checked, she had forty missed calls from Peter and several text messages that she had not responded to including 'Last night was fun. Repeat tonight, or are you still recovering?' and 'Your promotion must be keeping you busy. Have a great day at work. Love you.' Each text made her sick because he was acting like last night had either not happened or been a very wanted encounter. What had been the halting text had been him sending her an image of his erect penis with a 'thinking of you' message. She had gotten that one while still at the bar. She had promptly thrown up in the restroom and then gone home.

That evening, she spent most of the night scrubbing the hard floors in her apartment with bleach and shampooing her carpets. She also bleached the walls and counters and scrubbed the couch with a cleaning agent. By three that morning, Alex had finally exhausted her body such that she fell asleep on the floor in the kitchen with a towel wrapped around her, still in the suit she had worn to work that day.

When she woke up, it was almost five, and her body was sore from falling asleep on the floor. Slowly, Alex uncurled from the towel, her fingers white and numb from gripping the cloth so tightly over night. From the attack, though, she was aware that her body was less in pain which considering how painful the previous day had been, she was baffled that it would dissipate so quickly. But, then, she figured, for the most part, the human body was designed for a lot of what she had experienced the night before. Just because she had not consented had not changed thousands of years of evolution. A man's penis was meant to penetrate a woman's vagina, and that was exactly what had happened. The muscles would accommodate and leave little trace. She was also bleeding less rectally, though showering hurt still.

By the time she made it to her doctor's office, she was well put together in a wallflower suit, her mask securely back in place as she checked in to see the physician's assistant. Her doctor was a man. Up until that point, such things had never bothered her. However, in light of the events of the past few days, Alex was not ready to reveal her most intimate secret to a man, not at that juncture. The PA, however, was a woman, and Alex felt a lot more comfortable with that.

"Good morning, Alex," the PA chirped as she walked into the room Alex had been escorted to. Alex was already sitting on the exam table knowing what the appointment would entail. She had made the appointment the day before, explaining to the medical assistant that she had been rather experimental sexually and needed to know if she had torn anything that would not heal on its own. The woman had not asked for anything further, merely scheduling her for the appointed time. "How have you been?"

"Great," Alex answered, forcing the lie through her teeth. "I just, um, I had sex for the first time last night, and things got a little crazy. I've been bleeding rectally since, and the pads keep it off my clothing, but I just want to make sure I shouldn't be more concerned."

"Okay, sure. What about vaginally?" the woman asked, jotting down notes.

Alex's stomach danced with nausea, and she thought she was going to throw up. "That bleeding seemed to have stopped on its own. I figure that the vaginal muscles are a little more built for that kind of thing."

Again, the woman nodded her head, writing down what Alex said. "That's true, they are. We'll take a peek, if that's okay with you, just to be certain. Is this a partner you intend to continue having intercourse with?" Alex shook her head. "Okay. Prior to you two having intercourse, were you both tested for STDs?"

Alex's face went sheet white. "God, no. I didn't even – I wasn't planning on – it was spur of the moment," she babbled, flushing. "I don't think he does, though."

"I'd still recommend getting tested in six months just to be certain, especially if you start having any flu like symptoms or aches that are not related to the flu. If it was spur of the moment, did you use protection?" On the bright side, the PA hardly sounded judgmental. It was just Alex's voice in her own head that was doing the judging. Sitting in the doctor's office, she thought she sounded like a whore. Peter had been right. He had turned her into a whore.

Slowly, Alex shook her head, counting on her fingers. "I guess I need a Plan B prescription, too," she said. "My period's due in two weeks. I don't want – I don't want a pregnancy."

"I can write that out for you," the PA replied. "You'll have to go to the pharmacy and pick it up immediately and begin taking it today. The sooner you take Plan B, the more effective it is."

"Right," Alex said, nodding her head, grateful she had advised that she would not be in until ten.

"Other than your rectum and vagina, are you experiencing pain?"

Alex nodded. "My stomach hurts, but I'm not sure if that's from having sex or something else. Like I said, um, it was a pretty crazy night."

"Alright, let's take a look, shall we?" the PA said, standing and retreiving a gown from one of the cabinets. "I'm going to step outside for about five minutes and get the ultrasound machine to check for internal bleeding. Go ahead and change into the gown for me. You can leave your bra on if you want, but I need your shirt, skirt, and underwear off."

Taking the gown, Alex nodded, waiting for the door to close before she stripped down. By the time the PA wheeled the portable ultrasound machine into the room, Alex was sitting back on the table, shivering.

"I'm sorry it's so cold in here. We'll try to make this quick, okay?"

"Yea, thanks," Alex murmured, lying back on the table. She lifted her feet and placed them in the stirrups as instructed, fighting the nausea and dizziness that arose from having her privates on display.

"I'm not going to lie, Alex," the PA finally said as she looked over Alex's genitalia region, "this is going to hurt. You're pretty badly bruised. How are you doing sitting?"

Alex shrugged, her eyes closed as she repeatedly counted backwards from ten to keep herself from losing her cool. A hand on her arm made her jump, and she looked over to see the PA sitting beside her. "What?"

"Was what happened to you consensual, Alex? It's okay to be honest. I won't tell anyone either way, but it could be important. If this wasn't consensual, me performing an examination could trigger a flashback."

Silently, Alex stared at the woman beside her. "What if it does?" she asked, suddenly afraid.

"Then, we'll deal with it, okay? I can ask one of the other female nurses to come in, too, if you want, and she can talk to you while I'm doing the exam."

Alex nodded. "Yea, that – that sounds great. Could you?"

"Sure," the woman said. "Let's cover you up while I go find someone, okay? Feet down." Alex complied, tucking the gown around her as she stared up at the bright lights of the doctor's office, blinking back tears. A few minutes later, a knock on the door made her sit up just enough to see the PA and a nurse come in. "Hi," Alex said, her voice suddenly softer than normal. She licked her lips, mentally preparing her resolve.

"Hi, Alex, I'm Mary. Jenna said that you wanted someone to talk to while she was doing a pelvic exam?"

Alex shook hands with Mary, making sure her grip was firm. "I would appreciate the distraction," Alex said, testing her voice. She felt small and vulnerable and exposed, but her predominant concern was in not appearing to be that way. Biting her lower lip, she watched the other two women. "I'm sorry to be a pain. I really am."

"You're not a pain, Alex," the PA said as she sat back down. "It's got to be something you're comfortable with. I am concerned that there may be more damage internally, so I would like to do the ultra sound and pelvic exam so that we know you're safe. I'll tell you what I'm doing every step of the way so that you aren't surprised by anything, and if anything hurts or makes you uncomfortable, don't hesitate to tell me."

As she nodded, Alex lay back, lifting her feet up into the stirrups again. Mary held out her hand in silence, and Alex looked over at her. "Thank you," she said, taking the nurse's hand. She gave it a light squeeze, pressing her lips into a fine line as Jenna began walking her through each step of the pelvic. Every so often, Alex's grip tightened on Mary's hand as Jenna did something. She cried out in pain when the PA inserted the speculum, shaking as she squeezed Mary's hand until her fingers were snow white. The nurse, for her part, never once complained or asked Alex to stop gripping so tightly.

"Okay, Alex," Jenna announced. "I'm all done with that part. You have some small tears in your vaginal tract, but it's nothing that won't heal on its own. Still, for that, I'll prescribe you an ointment to help prevent infection. You'll have to apply it twice daily, preferrably after you shower. Do you need a break before we go on?"

"No," Alex said, shaking her head as she let go of Mary's hand. "If I stop, I don't think I'll be able to start again."

"Fair," Jenna said, nodding. "I'm not going to worry about the rectal exam if you would agree to that. I'm looking at the pad you've ben lying on, and it hasn't accumlated a concerning amount of blood. Anal tears do tend to take longer to heal because you're likely to reopen them every time you have a bowel movement. If you can, take a gloved finger and apply ointment to prevent infection."

"That's fine," Alex said, a rush of relief overcoming her. "I'm really glad you don't have to do a rectal, actually."

"You don't have to tell me what happened, Alex, but I strongly recommend talking to somebody. Whoever did this, and whatever they did is not okay," the PA said.

"Yea," Alex murmured. "I will." She pulled her feet out of the stirrups and pulled the gown up, tucking it under her bra, shivering as Jenna applied the gel for the ultrasound.

"So, I'm just going to do a quick recording and then take it to the doctor to see if he has any concerns. If he does, do you want him or one of our female physicians to take a look?" Jenna asked as she moved the wand over Alex's stomach.

"A female," Alex said. "I'm sorry. I'm just not in a great place to have a man look at me. I know Doctor Phillips is a great guy and a good person, I just – I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Alex," Mary said. "It's your body and your personal space." Alex looked to the nurse, carefully watching her, still feeling so unlike herself. "It was a man, then?" Alex nodded. "He had no right to not respect you, Alex."

"I know," she said, biting her lip. "Thank you for letting me kill your hand."

"Not a problem. Do you have any friends or family you can confide in or who will be supprotive?" Mary asked.

For a moment, Alex considered what would happen if she told her parents. Assuming Peter had not already contacted them because she was ignoring his messages and phone calls, she doubted her parents would believe that Peter would have hurt her anyway. Until that night, he had been nothing but kind. She had not been prepared to accept it. If she had thought he would have been nearly so violent and sadistic, she would have thrown him out the moment he would not take no for an answer. As it was, she wanted to believe he was still safe, even when he was not.

Finally, she looked at Mary and shook her head. "No. I don't really have a lot of people I'm close to who would believe that he hurt me. For most of them, that would be akin to saying Jesus is a rapist." Alex sighed. It was, basically, the truth. He had charmed his way into Alex's life, tricked her into believing she loved him, and then broke something so deeply lodged in her core that she still had no idea the extent of the damage. But, she was far from the only one he had charmed. She thought about the previous Christmas. Her father, a conservative corporate attorney; her mother, a very liberal immigrations attorney; her uncle, a judge; and her other uncle, a backdoor politician and business man, had all been charmed by him. Even Alex's mother repeatedly teased her that she may have found 'the one.' For all that was worth, destroyed by a night of ownership and control. No one would want to believe he was that terrible. No one would want to believe that he preyed on the adoration and trust he garnished from others. More than that, she thought, what parent wanted to accept that their child had been sexually violated? And, if Peter defended himself by telling them that Alex had orgasmed multiple times – she could not take the idea of being seen as a freak by her family.

Pressing her lips together, Alex fought with the urge to cry. She still was not sure how much he preyed on her and how much about her own fantasies he had revealed to her. For someone like her, so deeply involved with victims rights, someone with the full intent to use her newfound position to propel her political career while still doing something for victims, it was embarrassing to think about the fact that no matter how badly she had not wanted to, her body had reacted to his touch. She had wanted him to leave, but her body had clearly wanted him to stay, and that was confusing and painful and placed a kind of shame over her head she had never before experienced.

The doctor determined that Alex was not likely bleeding internally, but she was advised that if the pain did not go away in a few days, to return. She got the whole speech about how what had happened was a physical violation of her body, that pain was normal and expected, but that if Alex had any further questions or concerns, that the office was available to answer her call.

By the time Alex got to work, she was just ready to dive head first into the open cases on her desk, all cases handed to her by the other SVU attorneys that belonged to the 16th precinct. It seemed, though, that the day had other plans because the moment she walked in, the unit secretary caught her. "Alex, before you go in-"

Turning, Alex looked at the woman. Clarissa Bender was only a few years older than Alex, but she had been with the DA's office since she was eighteen. It was an impressive feat for an eighteen year old to get in good with the DA's office. More, Alex had respect for the woman because she had stayed. Most eighteen year olds would have left after a year or two, not necessarily looking for a career. But, Clarissa had put herself through college with her salary and, if memory served, had two kids and a husband.

That last thought gave Alex a sharp pang in her chest. Clarissa had married when she was Alex's age, and while Alex had not expected to be married in her twenties, she had also not expected to have her life torn to pieces, either.

"Captain Cragen called. He asked me some questions about you, about your intentions, it seemed. He didn't say to call him back, but-"

"I will. Thank you, Clarissa. I'll, uh, I'll be in my office if you need anything."

Before she even sat down, Alex picked up the phone and dialed out to the precinct. She had Cragen's desk number on a sticky note on her computer, and it was proving handy, even on day two of her new assignment. He picked up on the third ring. "Cragen."  
"Captain, this is Alexandra Cabot," Alex said, the steele walls shutting her down, closing her off, and sliding gracefully into place. She had long been building the tracks that those walls ran on, but she had only recently been given the locks to seal them in place. She could feel the change as she slipped from her personal life into her professional one. It was almost frightening. Almost, except that she had been doing it most of her life. Her professional life was meant to be separate from her personal life. That she had a good reason to lock herself away now did not change anything except her resolve.

"Miss Cabot, what can I do for you?" his disembodied voice asked, a slightly patronizing tone to his voice.

"Alex," Alex corrected politely, resolved mostly to never allow anyone to call her Aly again. "And, I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch. Perhaps we need to discuss some concerns that may have arisen."

They agreed on a time and place, and Alex hung up the phone. Inhaling and exhaling slowly, she curled behind her desk in the closest thing to a comfortable position she could find in her straight backed chair. Out of habit, she checked her emails, finding a surprising one caught up in the medly of work emails and out of office notices. It was a short email from Abigail Carmichael. It was her job that Alex was replacing since Abbie had left the unit for a slightly more permanent position under the tutelage of Jack McCoy. It had never been a secret that Jack wanted her to follow in his footsteps as EADA with the hopes of maybe pushing her to a DA position, but she was officially his protege once more after spending a little over a year chasing rapists.

Biting her lip, Alex read over the short email. Abbie was offering advice and support if Alex wanted it. Although Abbie had not been assigned to one specific precinct, Alex knew she had caught several of the 16th's cases considering that most of her docket was filled with Abbie's former cases. It had actually been Abbie's idea to start the project, to try and ease the load off the prosecutors and free them up to be more useful to the detectives.

Sighing, Alex leaned back, flinching at the pain that ripped up her body. She was really just grateful to not need stitches, but that brought her back to the dilemma at hand. It was one thing to shut down at work, to close off and lock up and be nothing less than professional, but it was something else to go home at night with these cases in her mind knowing full well she had gotten off during her own rape. How much of her own humanity did that cost her to be trying to get justice for the victims in her cases when she was a sexual freak herself? It ate at her to think that she was lying to herself, saying she was in it for the victims' rights campaign and the political boost. What the hell was she supposed to tell Cragen? Could she still be a politician and an activist when she was just as dark and twisted and sick as the perpetrators?

The questions just kept hounding her. Every time she thought she dismissed one, another replaced it, more sinister and dark and judgmental than the last. Alex gripped the desk, breathing hard. Images flashed through her mind, the look on his face as he lay on top of her. She saw, in her head, as if in hyper detail, the droplet of sweat that had dripped from his eyebrow. It fell onto her cheek, and she swore she could feel it there, again. His breath was hot against her face, and she felt her throat constrict. It became a fight to breathe as she struggled to focus on the pinch of the desk under her hands, but the desk was disappearing, replaced with the soft cotton of her sheets as she gripped them, her nails digging into her skin.

The phone rang, and she jumped, looking around herself. She was under her desk with no recollection of how she got there, arms wrapped tight around her knees as she hugged them. She pressed her hands to her face feeling the wet of the tears as she caught her breath. Rubbing her face, she climbed out from under her desk and stared at her still ringing phone. Finally, she picked it up.

"Cabot."

"Hey, Alex, it's Amy with the Holden Foundation. Your mom said to give you a call. Are you still planning on the benefit?" the voice on the other end of the line asked.

"Uh, yea," Alex said. "Everything should be ready on my end. I just need a time and place to drop it all off. I, um, I won't be able to make it, personally, though. I'm sorry. I have a case at work that's demanding my full attention. I can't take the time off." She felt badly for lying, especially since it was a benefit for a child advocacy group that Alex and her family had worked with since Alex was a child herself. She remembered playing with some of the children in the group home run by the advocacy center, playing chase in the backyard. It had been her insistence as a child that had conjoled her family into buying a new playground for the home. Both sides of her family came from old money, so finding it in the budget was not difficult. As Alex aged, her parents had donated something every year that the group home needed. Alex had asked that to be her only birthday gift each year. And, when Alex had been old enough to begin making her own money, she had picked up the tradition. It was a tradition she still honored, each year on her birthday.

"Sure. I understand completely. I hope you put the guy away. I heard you're taking on the sex crimes cases now. You're mom sounded pretty proud of you. I know I am. You're a great attorney, and a great fit for the unit. Plus, if you can nail some of those guys good, you're a sure win for the DA position in the future."

Alex smiled softly. Amy was her mother's age and had known Alex all of her life. Even though she was something between a financial advisor and a charity event planner, to Alex she had always been something more like an aunt. Neither of her mother's brothers were married, and her father had been an only child much like Alex was, so it had been nice to have an adult woman in her life growing up that was not her mother but was also still really close with the family. "Thank you, Amy. I hope to do more than put a few rapisits behind bars."

"You will. Well, I'll get with John over here and see what times he's around for the drop off and I'll give you a call back hopefully by tomorrow."

"You bet. Thank you."

Alex hung up the phone, looking down at her hand. She was shaking, and for a few seconds, she just stared before opening and closing her fists until the tremor stopped. After a few minutes, she picked up the phone again.

"Carmichael," the woman on the other end answered after a few rings.

"It's Alex Cabot," Alex said, pressing a hand to her stomach as she felt her heart rate begin to pick up again. Breathing seemed to be a battle all on its own, and she had no idea why.

"Alex," the woman said, sounding excited. "I wasn't sure if I would hear from you. How are you liking the hot seat?"

"Well, I have a feeling the captain has already decided he doesn't like me," Alex confessed.

"Can you blame him? You've been assigned to babysit his unit. I'd hate you, too," Abbie said with a soft laugh. "Really, it was not my intent to have the program implimented the same time the Moris Commission decided that he had a rogue unit."

"He asked me who I was sleeping with, Abbie, as if I couldn't get promoted on my own merits," Alex grumbled.

"Then, prove him wrong, Alex," Abbie said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "You're a brilliant attorney. I wouldn't have written that letter if I didn't think so."

"I was wondering about that," Alex said with a laugh. "I thought you had something to do with it. You weren't just in my court room for my looks?" She teased the Assistant District Attorney with a smile on her lips. As one of the few people who knew that Abbie was bisexual, Alex often teased her about it in a private domain.

The Texan laughed. "I can't argue that I enjoyed the view, Alex," she said. "We've had this conversation before."

Alex laughed, shaking her head. Her laugh stopped short, though, and she sighed.

"I know that sound. How about we do lunch today and you can tell me what's going on in that pretty blond head of yours?"

"I've got a lunch date with the captain today, but, um, coffee at four?" Alex offered.

"Sounds like a date," Abbie replied. "I'll pick you up. I'm about to head into court. We've got the Gregarian Grand Jury today."

"Good luck," Alex said.

"Who needs luck? The guy practically confessed to going on a killing spree with the grill of his car. I'll see you in a bit."

The line went dead, and Alex hung up. Abbie did seem to have a knack for making Alex feel better at any given time. When Alex had initially been hired at the DA's office, Abbie had been on the fast track to be DA. Seated as one of the most senior ADAs for the prosecutor's office, though, hardly seemed enough for her. It was no secret that she had much bigger plans than that. She did not have the same political aspirations that Alex had. Abbie did not want a political chair even though she would have taken it. She wanted to prosecute federally, and she made no secrets about it.

Alex on the other hand was gunning for a position with the bench or a position as the governor. Either would have made her happy, and she was fast tracked to the bench, especially with an uncle who was a judge. She had lived in his court room during summer breaks as a child, even interning for him once she turned sixteen. She was a sure fit with speculation running the rumor mill that she would be one of the youngest attorneys to be appointed in the Great State of New York. The key was going to be keeping her numbers up in SVU, a challenge for any attorney. But, if she could do that, if she could prove herself a voice for victims, even if she did not lock in the bench, she would have a good, clear shot at the governor's seat. Both Jack and Abbie knew that, too. Abbie had straight told her that if she ever ran for the DA's position, she hoped to be able to appoint Alex as her second to propel her political career. It was not a position that Alex would ever turn down.

Grabbing her jacket, Alex headed out of the office for her lunch with the captain. She sincerely doubted she would be able to stomach much, but she was resolved to eat enough to pretend. In thinking about it, she did not think she had eaten since the previous morning when she had downed several glasses of water and a banana. That would probably explain the dizziness that she was feeling, but the idea of food just sickened her.

Despite the fact that the majority of their lunch Alex spent stuffing the images that kept popping up in her head down beneath her icy exterior, she was able to convice Cragen that her intentions were purely political and victims' rights based and that she did not have it out for his unit. He seemed to take it with a grain of salt but was at least willing to allow her to prove it. The amount of control, though, that it had taken to remain in control left her feeling exhausted and shakey when they split ways. She spent nearly an hour walking around the city grateful that she did not have anything major to prepare for any of her current cases given that so many of them had already been nicely gift wrapped by the other SVU prosecutors. That was going to be her grace as she eased in to the docket. Over lunch, Cragen had explained some of the details about their newest case, a murder of a defense contractor who had his penis lit on fire. It had been enough to make Alex grateful that they had finished eating while talking about Alex's motivations and not about the new case. Given that it was the only thing she had eaten in over twenty four hours, she was glad that the salad had stayed down as well.

Alex had refrained from saying anything, but she could think of someone whose penis she would have liked to light on fire. But, that thought had not stayed for too long. After all, she thought, she had still enjoyed what he had done to her. That obsessive thought stayed with her most of the afternoon, even after she returned to the DA's office. It distracted her from her work and left her lost in thought, the night replaying in her mind in clips and sound bytes until she could feel tears running down her cheeks.

"Alex?" Abbie's voice at her door purred as the door opened with a soft click. After a moment, the door closed again, and Alex blinked. She had wound up under her desk again, her face stained with tears.

Voices spoke softly outside of Alex's door, and she was fairly certain that she recognized Clarissa's voice, but she could not make out what anyone was saying. The door opened again. "Alex?" Abbie said again. "I know you're in here, Aly."

"Don't call me that," Alex barked, unable to will herself to move from under her desk. She squeezed her eyes shut as she saw him stroking her cheek, his eyes sad as he called her 'Aly Cub.' She had no idea when he had started calling her that, just that he had most of their relationship and she had found it endearing until that night.

"Okay," Abbie said as she crouched down to Alex's level. "Why are you under your desk, Alex?"

Blinking, Alex looked to the Texan prosecutor with wide eyes. "I – I," she stammered, flushing in embarrassment.

"You don't have to come out. It's small under there, and safe," Abbie said, her tone suggesting that she spent time hiding under her desk quite regularly. Alex knew that was not true, but in that moment, she had to appreciate that one of her bosses was not making it a point to make a specticle of her. Alex was apparently quite good at doing that herself. "Clarissa said she heard you crying earlier. Is everything okay?"

"Yea," Alex lied, "just one of the cases. I guess it got to me. I'm only human." She forced a small smile.

Abbie nodded. "Yea. These cases are rough," she said as she moved to a seated position, stretching her long legs out over the floor. "I had a hard time with them because I sometimes identified with the victims a little too strongly, especially the ones raped by their boyfriends."

Alex froze, her breath sticking in her lungs. "Why?" she asked, the word forced and soft. Alex's heart thundered in her head as she wondered if Abbie knew. It was a silly, paranoid thought, really, but she could not stop it. Abbie's words were just so peculiar.

"When I was in college, I was raped by my boyfriend. I didn't tell anyone. I just held it inside, and I thought I dealt with it. Working in this unit taught me that I had never dealt with it. It just kind of stayed there, dormant, I guess. But, when I caught a case of a woman who was sexually assaulted by her boyfriend, I just kind of fell apart." Abbie said with a sigh as she shook her head. "My point is, Alex, that these cases are rough, and, sometimes, they're even more difficult when someone has hurt us in a similar fashion. I'm here if you need to talk about it."

For several seconds, Alex stared at the inside of her desk, fighting a losing battle with the tears. She could hear him in her mind, taunting her, teasing her about how wet she was, how that must mean that she liked it. She had begged him not to rape her, and he had told her it was not rape. She remembered his hand on her neck, choking her, her body feeling like he was driving a red hot poker through her. A hand touched her arm, and she jerked, gasping and panting as Abbie's face came into view, concern washed over the darker skin of the other woman.

"Alex," Abbie said, her voice soft and low, "how long ago did he rape you?"

Alex stared at her, mouth open to deny it, and she shook her head. "I wasn't raped," she whispered.

Abbie pressed her lips together as she continued to watch Alex. Carefully, she reached her hand out, pushing Alex's hair behind her ear, and Alex nearly jumped through her desk. "No, please," Alex whispered, a hand covering her hair. "You can't tell anyone."

"How long ago?" Abbie asked again.

Blinking, Alex stared at her boss, her lips moving without sound. Finally, she found her voice. "Two days," she said, pressing her lips together. "I'm sorry. I – I can still do my job, Abbie, please."

"Alex, you have nothing to be sorry for. You've done nothing wrong. Did you report the assault?" Alex shook her head. "Do you want to?" Again, Alex shook her head indicating the negative. "Okay. Are you safe from him?"

"I think so," Alex said, nodding.

"Has he tried to contact you?" Abbie asked.

"Just texts and phone calls. I turned my phone off, though. I can't deal with them right now." Alex curled her arms around her head, burying her face. "Please, Abs, you can't tell anyone."

"I won't, Alex. I just want to make sure you're safe. Do you think he would come here?"

Alex stiffened. She had not considered that possibility. She turned wide eyes on Abbie. "He never visited me at work before," she said, her voice soft.

"But, he knows you work here?" Abbie replied. Alex nodded. "Okay. I'll let security know to call you before allowing any visitors back. I'll tell them it's because of a sensitive case you're working, no big deal. Is that okay?" Alex nodded. "Okay. What can I do to help you, Alex?"

"Nothing. I'm fine. I'll be fine," Alex said, raking her fingers through her hair. "I just, I need a moment."

"Okay," Abbie said, standing. Alex watched her shoes under her desk until they stopped. A moment later, she heard the sound of fabric on leather as Abbie sat down.

It took her a couple more minutes, but Alex finally managed to work up the will power to crawl out from under her desk. It hurt her stomach and her groin to do so, but she deliberately avoided whimpering as she stood, only a slight grimace giving her away.

"Have you been to the doctor?" Abbie asked.

"Yes," Alex answered. "They cleared me medically. I don't want to talk about this, Abbie. I really – I'm not ready to."

"Okay," Abbie said, nodding. "Are you still up for coffee?"

"Will it involve being normal?" Alex asked. It was proving difficult because, now, Abbie knew, but Alex was carefully working to slide her locks and doors back in place. The flashbacks kept bringing her walls crashing down. She was going to have to work on that, she knew.

"I'll tell you what, Alex. It won't involve work or this office or anything that's happened in the past couple of days if you don't want it to. We can go sit in a corner and talk about the latest piece of legislation or who the next governor should be if you want." Abbie pulled a face that told Alex she did not actually care that much even though she was heavily involved in the political goings on. Abbie had her hands about as deeply dug as Alex did and she was just as knowledgeable. Abbie cared for one reason, and one reason only.

"Thank you, Abbie," Alex murmured, pushing a small smile.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three.

At home, Alex stared at the painting on her living room wall, scotch in her hands. She needed something to kill the pain, and, in her experience, hard alcohols were great methods to kill just about anything. She had no intentions of getting drunk, not when she had court at eight am sharp on a motions hearing, but she needed enough to take off the edge, enough to read the motions filed by another attorney and plot how she was going to argue them.

Biting her lip, she shook her head as she stood there. The piece was _Susanna and the Elders_, a graphic image of a naked woman being leered at by two judgmental noble types. It was a common theme for artists of Gentileschi's time being both lewd and biblical, but Alex had always like the version before her. It was honest. The woman was not a perfect stick. She had a human body, not the ideal image as she often saw in the works of male artists. They tucked and trimmed the model's imperfections until she was the image of woman they had in their heads. Female artists, Alex had always thought, painted the imperfections. Alex liked that kind of reality. It was harsh, but so was reality. She was only just beginning to discover how harsh.

Draining the last of her drink, Alex set about setting up her work files on the kitchen table. She had barely gone into her bedroom since the attack, except to get clothes and other necessities, and she had not sat down on the couch or even on the floor at the coffee table unable to stay in either room for very long. For the most part, after work, she had spent her time in the kitchen or the dining room, really, the only 'safe' rooms in her home. And, she had gotten through the first two weeks of her new job without too much drama. On the bright side, she had not gotten fired for using the Grand Jury to get the child to talk about the other man who had victimized him. Not that Alex had initially intended to do that, but it had come up, and she had adapted, using the setting to obtain a name. She would rather put pedophiles behind bars than a kid who had killed the man who was abusing him. Fortuantely for her, he had named his abuser, and they had a trial slated in nine months, defense having waived speedy. She was looking forward to throwing that particular guy in prison.

But, until then, it was far from her only case, and she had to keep up on the others. Pouring herself another glass of scotch, she settled into the motions, making notes on places she intended to emphasize and argue more fully in orals. She was also guessing at what kinds of rebuttals defense would have and what kinds of issues the judge would bring up, making notes about what she wanted to say and how she intended to argue on a note pad.

Alex's sleep habits were still mostly terribly off. Some days, she would crash out when she got home, usually on her kitchen floor. Once, she had lain down in the bathtub with it empty, a rolled towel for a pillow and other towels over her. She had slept alright in there, but her body had hurt beyond words when she woke up a couple of hours later. Other days, she just would not sleep. Either way, she was unable to use a blanket, the feel of the cotton sheet against her body too much for her to handle. The towels were slightly more rough, and when she woke up from a nightmare or had a panic attack, their rough surface seemed to help her to remember where she was.

That night was not a night for sleep, and it was nearly four in the morning before her body wound down enough that her limbs actually felt so heavy that she had to stop working. Standing, Alex stretched, a sensation of dizziness slamming into her head. The room spun, and she stumbled to the kitchen, leaning heavily on the refrigerator door to keep herself up. She had not thought she had that much to drink, but apparently, she had drunk enough to make herself considerably dizzy.

Alex pulled a bottle of water from her fridge and sank to the floor, leaning against the cabinets as she downed the beverage.

Her phone started beeping, and she blinked, groggy and exhausted, reaching around her person for the offending piece of electronics. Not finding it, she was forced to her feet, picking up her glasses from the counter and her phone from the kitchen table where her paperwork was still laid out. Brain not fully functioning, Alex collected her papers and her files, tossing them in the attache she brought home from work.

She did not start truly working until the icy cold of the shower woke her up, a sharp sensation against her skin. Leaning forward against the glass of her shower door, Alex closed her eyes as her breath caught, her throat constricting. She did not even understand why she had been so jumpy over a mere shower, but she was, and that desperately upset her. Alex felt as though she was unable to get through the day without feeling inappropriately. Every movement felt like a knife. Every victory, a loss. It had been more than a week. She knew that was not a lot of time to process and deal with everything, but she was still having a hard time deciding where exactly she was with everything.

On one hand, Peter had raped her, violently raped her. On the other, she had no idea if she weren't some kind of pervert for having enjoyed it – or, not so much enjoyed, but orgasmed because of it. Surely, Alex thought, that meant that she had at least wanted it on some level. She was still learning so much about the responsibilitiies associated with her position. In all honesty, despite her previous activism, it occurred to her that until she was in that boat herself, she really had no idea the kinds of insecurities and questions and fears that a victim of sexual assault faced.

Her phone rang, and she jumped again, pressing her head against the warming glass of her shower door before reaching behind her and turning off the water. Peter's calls had become less frequent, and even her parents were calling less and less. In the first two days following the attack, Alex had ignored several calls from her mother and several more from Peter, going so far as to turn her phone off when she left work and not turn it on until she was in the safety of her office the following day. The problem was, it was her work cell that they were calling, and she could not very well change that number. The texts from Peter, at least, had stopped when she had changed her cell phone number, though she had needed to also change her home number to diminish the number of times Peter called in general.

"Cabot," she said, pressing the phone to her ear and exhaling as she regained her composure.

"Aly, it's your mother," the soft voice of Amelia Cabot rang through the other end of the line. Alex had to suppress a gag reaction to the nickname.

"Alex," she said automatically. "My name's Alex."

"Honey, you've been avoiding my calls. What's going on? We're worried about you. Your dad's worried." She sounded concerned, but Alex had listened to the previous messages she had left, too. Peter had talked to her parents, and that unnerved her. She had no idea what he had said, but she knew he had struck preemptively to set up his defense if she did ever feel safe enough to tell her parents what had happened.

"I'm fine," Alex said, focusing on her resolve. "Work has just been really busy."

"So busy you don't have time for your boyfriend?" Amelia asked. "Pete's worried, too, sweety. He says you haven't returned his phone calls and you changed your number."

"We're not dating anymore, Mom," Alex said. "We broke up more than a week ago. I'm not having this conversation right now. I need to get ready for work. I have motions at eight."

"Alright, baby girl. I love you, but we need to talk more later. Pete told me what happened, and I think you should reconsider," her mother said. Alex knew the woman was well intentioned, but as an attorney, Alex had thought she should know that there were two sides to every story.

Alex laughed darkly. "Then, he didn't tell you what happened," she bit, hanging up the phone in frustration. She turned it off and climbed back in the shower, turning the heat on as high as the building would allow.

By the time she got out, she was pink skinned, bleeding just a little where she had scrubbed so hard with the pouf that she had torn away the skin. It was hardly much blood, and she knew it would dissipate when she dried off, but the few tiny droplets that welled up made her heart hurt.

Patting herself dry, Alex wrapped the towel around her body before she cleaned the wall length mirror of steam. The mirror sat over a white, marble counter top, a sink at one end, the rest scattered with her make up, hair styling supplies, and everything else that she just stopped putting away after Peter. Normally, those items went in drawers and little wooden boxes cleverly arranged to keep Alex's life looking neat and tidy. But, when things stopped being neat and tidy, she lost it. There was just no motivation to keep her world tidy when no matter how much scrubbing she did, she could not get her house clean enough.

A knock on her apartment door made her heart race as she poured herself a cup of coffee in the kitchen, her grey suit covering every inch of her upper body. She still couldn't wear pants even though she wanted to. Any time the cloth brushed up against her thighs when she shifted, it stopped her heart as she swore she could feel his fingers touching her again.

When she could breathe again, Alex peeked through the peep hole, breathing a sigh of relief when she saw Abigail Carmichael standing there in her own suit, attache at her hip. She knew the doorman would not let just anyone up, and she suspected that Abbie had used her badge to gain access, but she did not mind. It was not Peter, and that had been her fear.

"Abbie," Alex said, opening the door. "Good morning. What can I do for you?"

Abbie handed over one of the two cups of coffee in her hand. "I figured you weren't sleeping, so I thought I would come by and ask if you wanted company on the way in today."

Taking her cup, Alex held the hot paper close to her chest. "Thank you," she said, biting her lower lip. "I'm still keeping up at work, Abbie. I promise."

"I know," the Texan answered. "That's not what I'm worried about. It's only been a couple of weeks, Alex, and you're pushing yourself harder than I've ever seen you push. I'm worried about you burning out. This unit moves fast, and I don't want you to feel like you're being dropped in the water without someone to back you up. I'm sure you're aware, but Liz and Nora have high expectations from you. And, I know your expectations of you are even higher. I just want to make sure you've got the support system to help you get through it."

Alex smiled softly. "Thank you, Abbie," she said, biting her lip. "This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Keeping my head together – it's, it's rough."

"I understand," Abbie said, waiting as Alex grabbed her own work and locked the door behind her. "Have you heard anything?"

Alex shook her head. "Not since I changed my number. He's mostly stopped calling my work cell, and he's never called the office. Do you think it's okay now? Or, almost, anyway? I can't imagine how much longer he plans to keep calling my work cell without getting answers."

"It's not over, Alex," Abbie said. "You have to give yourself a chance to heal. I just don't want to see you shipwreck before you give yourself the chance."

"What does that mean?" Alex asked, narrowing her eyes at the ADA.

Pressing her lips together, Abbie closed her eyes. "You're not sleeping well, Alex. I'm not surprised, but you're taking on secondary trauma from these cases as well. I'm not out to pull you off them, so don't look at me like that. I'm out to help you however I can. If you want to be on this unit, Alex, I want you there. In a week, you've done more to strap down that precinct than anyone else. You're a good fit. You're a good attorney. You're a good match for this unit. You have a passion and a knack. You're the last person I want to burn out."

Alex nodded. "So, what do I do?"

"Have you thought more about counseling?" Abbie asked.

"And say what?" Alex asked, frowning. "I don't even know what happened. How can I tell someone else?"

"You mean you don't remember?" Abbie asked.

Alex shook her head. "I remember every detail like it's still happening, Abs." She licked her lips, shaking her head. "But, I don't understand it."

Abbie nodded. "Don't try to understand it. Men like him, what they do, people like the ones you're prosecuting, Alex, we can't understand what they do. No matter how much psychology we delve into, what we learn about their awful childhoods does not help us understand what they do. Maybe why, but not what."

"You think Peter had an awful childhood?" Alex asked, pressing her lips together. She shook her head. "His family's like mine, old money doesn't even begin to cover it."

"Coming from a wealthy family doesn't mean that a child can't be abused," Abbie said, shaking her head. "But, that's not an excuse for the choices he made as an adult, Alex. He chose to do what he did to you. No one held a gun to his head."

"Yea," Alex said with a sigh. "I guess. Um, look, I really, I appreciate what you're doing for me, but I don't – I just want to forget, Abs. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry, Alex. Just, I'm here if you need me, okay?"

Alex nodded. "Thanks. I –"

Abbie smiled, resting her hand on Alex's arm. "Don't tell anyone, Alex, but you're my favorite ADA," she said with a wide grin.

Alex laughed, pressing her lips together. "Your secret's safe with me," Alex said.

With a smile and a nod, Abbie gave Alex's arm a warm squeeze. "As is yours with me," Abbie replied.

Recognizing the significance of that, Alex nodded. She took a sip from the coffee that Abbie had brought her, using the time to straighten out her thoughts. They walked for a little while in silence before Abbie pulled Alex into a small cafe. "Abs?" Alex questioned. "I have a hearing at eight."

"I know," Abbie said. "I'm sitting in it with you. Lewin wants a write up on how I think you're doing. Since I recommended you, apparently I get to babysit you. You're fine, by the way. Nothing to worry about. And, it's only six forty, Alex."

"Oh," Alex said, her voice soft. "I didn't realize it was still so early."

"When was the last time you slept, Alex?" Abbie asked, concern etching her face.

Alex shrugged. "I think I slept for an hour last night on the kitchen floor."

"Look, it's Friday," Abbie said. "No work to escape to over the weekend, so why don't you stay the weekend with me?"

"What? No. I couldn't -"

"Sure you can. Get out of that place for a while, just a few days. Give yourself a chance to look at a new set of walls, okay? Get some sleep. Give your sass a chance to recover. Go back on Monday with a little more sleep under your eyes and a little less bag." Abbie smiled. "Now, pick a bagel. Coffee doesn't count for breakfast, and I really want to write a stellar review on your progress in the unit."

After a few seconds, Alex nodded. "Okay," she said. "I appreciate it."

They talked softly over bagels as Alex gave Abbie the run down for the hearing that morning. Abbie gave Alex some pointers considering that she was the original prosecutor on the case. It was nice to have someone to just get lost in the case with, and Alex felt the tension slip from her shoulders just a little. For the first time since her assignment, Alex did not feel alone in her pursuits. The detectives were warming up to her, particularly since they seemed to be starting to realize that she had ties and could pull the strings the unit needed the most. But, they were still cautious and wary. After all, she was still there to tie the unit down, to report back to the Commission, and to babysit. What they had not yet learned was that Alex Cabot had her own agenda, and that did not involve tattling on perfectly workable detectives to a board that she felt could suck it.

In court, Abbie stayed mostly silent as Alex argued the motions that the other prosecutor had filed. Every so often, she would nod or jot something down, but it was relatively rare, and Alex did not concern herself with such activities. She knew she was good. That was all she needed.

As the defense counselor was making a point, though, Alex heard the door to the court room open and close softly. It was not unheard of for trials to have people in and out of the court room, and arraignment saw a lot of activity because it was often the first appearance for the defendant. But, other times were usually very quiet, so the opening and closing of the door was a little startling. Alex's breath caught in her throat as a familiar face gave her a smile before sitting down.

"Abbie," Alex whispered, "tap out."

Without missing a beat, Abbie looked over her shoulder at the man sitting in the back of the court room, and she understood. As Alex sank down into her chair, her supervisor stood up, taking over the argument. It earned her a strange look from Judge Lena Petrovsky, but neither she nor the defense attorney said anything.

Alex focused on her breathing, willing herself to not throw up. It was the first time she had seen Peter since he had raped her, and she had no idea how to cope with the issue. All she knew was that her body felt hot and it physically hurt to breathe. Sitting in her chair, she stared at the desk, focusing all of her will power on the pen in front of her. If sheer concentration could make something explode, both she and Abbie would have been covered in ink.

After a few minutes, Alex chanced a look over her shoulder, horrified to find Peter still sitting behind them, his eyes intently focused on her. When she looked back up again, though, it was the judge giving her a look of concern. The judge's eyes flicked to Peter and then back to Alex who was already halfway gone into panic-mode, and she held up a hand to the attorneys who were actively talking.

"Sir," Petrovsky addressed the man in the back of the court room, "is there anything we can help you with?"

"No, ma'am," Peter replied, flashing her a warm grin that made Alex's stomach churn when she saw it. "I'm just waiting for Miss Cabot."

Lena nodded. "If you're not a member of the DA's office, I would kindly ask that you wait outside the court room. Due to the nature of the case, this hearing is closed." Alex glanced to Abbie and the defense attorney, both of whom did not bat an eye. It made Alex wonder if it were really that obvious that she were uncomfortable with the man's presence.

"Of course, your honor," Peter said, his voice polite and warm, his body posture like that of someone who was genuine and trying to be good. In her seat, Alex shivered involuntarily. Still, she felt some of the tension relieved as she heard the door open and close, and the next time she looked back, Peter was gone.

A glance at the judge, however, told her that when other counsel was not present that she would have to do some explaining. How did she explain away the man who was her ex-boyfriend and rapist when she was still adamently confused as to whether or not a sexual assault had really occurred. She understood that, legally, it was rape. She had said no. He had used force. It fit the definition of first degree rape to a tee. But, there was still that grey area in her mind of the whole orgasm issue. She knew, two weeks out of the event, that she did not want what had happened to have happened. It had taken her some time to accept that every moment once she had said no had been against her consent and free will. But, she was still unable to account for the other problem she had faced, and, quite frankly, she was far too embarrassed about what had happened to do any research into the matter. Besides that, the last thing she wanted to find was some medical journal proclaiming that she was, indeed, a sexual deviant for enjoying being raped.

Lena issued her rulings on each motion as presented for the defense and for prosecution, but Alex had tuned her out. At the end, as Abbie was slowly packing the files, defense already gone, Alex felt a hand softly press on her shoulder. Nevertheless, she jumped, gasping as she stared into the eyes of the judge and law professor. Pressing her lips into a thin line, Alex offered what she hoped was a look of apology. "Who is he?" the judge asked, her voice soft.

"My ex," Alex answered, her voice tight and small. It was the only way she was controling herself in that moment. Otherwise, she feared that she would shake so hard she would throw up.

Lena only nodded. "Do you have a restraining order?" she asked. Alex shook her head. "Do you want one?"

Alex stared for a moment, blinking, before she looked to Abbie. The other attorney shrugged. "It's up to you, Alex."

"Y-yes," she said, nodding her head. "For domestic abuse, sexual assault." The last two words were soft, and she hung her head, licking her lips. "I can send in the text messages he sent me after I told him to stop contacting me."

"That's okay," Lena said as she walked back to her bench and picked up the phone. "Hey, Stephen, it's Lena Petrovsky. I'm in room 32 B right now. Can you bring me a blank application for a civil restraining order and a police officer? I'm going to need you to clerk for a quick session on the record. Thanks." The judge hung up and pulled up a chair from the defense table to the prosecution table. Abbie was already sitting beside Alex, a hand reassuringly covering one of Alex's.

"We'll get you set up with a temporary and have the officer serve him today if he's still out there. If you bring in the texts in two weeks, we can add those to the evidence. Other than telling him to discontinue contacting you, did you say anything else?"

Alex shook her head. "No. I changed my number about a week ago. He's been calling my parents since."

"I can't stop him from calling your parents, but I will make sure to include third party contact. Are your parents able to be supportive?"

Alex snickered, shaking her head. She jumped when the door to the back of the court house opened. Through that door was where jurors met and judge's chambers were kept.

"It's okay, Alex," Abbie's soft words drew Alex's attention to the Texan. "We're all right here, and we won't let anyone hurt you."

Alex flushed, hanging her head. The worst part about it was that her very well intentioned supervisor and a well intentioned judge were just making the entire process more difficult. She was ashamed, already, of so much. Every time she startled or jumped or cried out, she only felt more shame that she could not get herself in control over herself. It really was upsetting for someone like her who long prided herself on her ability to control her emotions and her self.

"Judge Petrovsky," the man who entered said, holding out a small packet of papers. Alex could only assume that he was Stephen from the phone call. The judge thanked him and offered the packet to Alex who began to fill out the pages. For the most part, it was a simple series of checking boxes. What reason did she have for applying? Alex checked domestic violence, sexual assault, and harrassment. Technically, the sexual assault fell under the domestic violence category because of the nature of her relationship with Peter.

The rest was basic, but writing. When was the last time he had physically injured her? When was the last time he had harrassed her? What was her address? What was his address? The typical necessities for a CRO. Within minutes, she had it completed, they went on record, and Petrovsky granted the temporary order. At that point, Stephen ducked out of the court room, Alex completely humiliated about having to admit to sexual assault not only on record but in front of a man she did not know, and returned a few minutes later with a police officer.

"Alex Cabot?" the officer asked her. Alex nodded. "I'm Mark Hamlin. Shall we go see if -" He paused, reading the name from the restraining order, and Alex could almost hear the contempt in his voice as he scanned what the order was for. "-Peter is still out there?"

"Thank you," Alex said, her voice soft. She followed the officer out, suddenly wanting someone between her and him if he was still out there, and Abbie followed behind her, a hand level with the small of her back, not quite touching but more than prepared to be comforting if needed.

"Aly Cub," Peter said as they walked out, him ignoring the police officer and the other prosecutor. Alex blanched, her hands trembling. She felt Abbie's hand move to rest on her back, and she took a step back into it. "We need to talk, honey."

"No," Alex said, "we don't. I threw you out of my apartment, Peter. I told you not to contact me. If you won't listen to me, maybe you'll listen to a court order." Her voice felt steadier than she thought it would be, but, in truth, she was angry. The court house had always been her sanctuary. What business did demons have in violating such sacred places?

"What are you talking about Aly? I love you," Peter protested, his eyes wide as if he suddenly realized why the police officer was with her. "What did you do, Aly? I know you got spooked, but that's normal, not criminal. We need to talk."

Hamlin held the paperwork out. "Peter Feldman, you have been served. You must stay at least 500 yards away from Alexandra Cabot, her home, and her place of work at all times. You also cannot communicate with her in any way including through third party communication," he said. "There's a court date in two weeks if you want to dispute it."

"Aly," Peter said.

The cop moved in front of Alex as she shuddered, moving closer to Abbie. "That means now, Mister Feldman," he said. "You need to vacate this court house unless you have an appointment with a court, or I'll make you an appointment with one."

"If that's how you want to play it, Aly, I'll be there at the contestment hearing, and I would be happy to explain to a judge what happened. I've never lifted a finger against you let alone raped you. You got spooked, and I get it, but this is taking it too far, Alex."

Hamlin cleared his throat. "One more word, Mister Feldman, and I'll be arresting you for violating a restraining order, am I understood?"

Peter sighed, shaking his head as he turned and walked out of the court house.

The officer turned and looked to Alex. "Are you okay, Miss Cabot?" he asked.

Still shaking and quite stunned, Alex nodded her head. "Yes," she said, though she hardly sounded it. "Thank you."

He nodded his head. "Don't hesitate to call 9-1-1 if you see him, okay?" he advised. "I didn't much care for the look in his eyes."  
"Thank you," Alex mumbled.

"Come on, Alex," Abbie said, rubbing her back gently. "Why don't you take the afternoon off? Pack yourself a bag, and I'll pick you up at four?"

Nodding slowly, Alex moved closer to Abbie. "That sounds fine. Do you mind if I bring case files over with me?"

"Not at all, Alex. Whatever you need to do whatever you need to do," Abbie said with a smile. "Call if you need anything in the mean time, okay?"

"Thank you, Abbie." Alex offered a small smile. She retreated quickly from the court house, nerves shaking her to the core and making her have to physically fight to not throw up. Alex ducked out of the street and down an alley, taking a short cut to the subway.

Footsteps down the alley with her made her jump, and she spun around quickly. Her eyes darted around the alley, but she saw no one. Shaking her head and chalking it up to the fact that she was feeling vulnerable and hearing things, Alex turned and continued to her home. Under any other circumstances, she would have insisted on staying at work, on finishing out her cases, but the encounter had shaken her, and it was everything she could do to blink back the memories.

By the time she arrived home, she was struggling to breathe and unable to focus at all. Shaking her head as she closed her apartment door behind her, Alex lost the battle with the impending panic attack, curling on the floor by her front door as she gripped her hair in her hands, half crying and half screaming. At some point, she went completely numb, unable to move or think. It felt like every time she blinked, it was a different portion of the night flashing through her mind. As soon as she could manage to stand up, she stumbled her way into the kitchen needing something, anything, to kill the pain.

Biting her lip, Alex poured herself a glass of whiskey, downing a couple of shots from the glass before deciding that it was silly to keep pouring alcohol into a cup. She just skipped the cup, sliding down the cabinets onto the tile that had become her bed since she could not be in her own bedroom for very long. Alex cried as she drank until she physically could not feel her legs, leaving more than half of the bottle empty and her head spinning.

"Alex," a voice over her said, a hand on her cheek. Alex moaned, trying to focus on the person in front of her but unable to do so. "Alex, it's Abbie and Rafael. How much have you had to drink?" Alex rolled her head. "Alex? Alex? Call 9-1-1, tell them we need a medic for an alcohol overdose."

"You got it," a male voice said.

"No," Alex said. "No. No." Alex pushed at Abbie's hands, unable to keep her head up, her tongue pressed against her teeth as she hissed. "Pete, stop." Alex's head drooped and she felt hands on her face, holding her face up. "No, no, no, no."

"Alex, it's me. It's Abbie Carmichael from the DA's office. Pete's not here. He's not going to be able to come here. He can't hurt you any more. Is the whiskey all you had to drink?" Alex nodded. "Was it full when you started?" Again, Alex nodded. "Okay. Alex, Rafael is calling for a medic. We're going to take you to the hospital, okay? You've had too much to drink. Can you tell me where you are?"

Alex pressed her lips together, her eyes heavy as she leaned against the cabinet. "I'm tired," she slurred.

"I know, Alex. It's okay to be tired. We're going to get you some help, okay? I'm not going to leave you." Abbie rubbed Alex's arm. "Alex, until we get to the hospital, I need you to try to stay awake. How often have you drank in the past?"

"I don't," Alex mumbled.

"Okay. So, this is your first time binge drinking?" Abbie asked. Alex nodded. "Okay. Keep trying to focus, Alex. What day of the week is it?" Abbie patted Alex's cheek. "Alex, what day of the week is it?"

"Monday," Alex said, her eyes distant and glazed.

"Monday. Okay. Where are you?" Abbie continued.

"My room," Alex slurred, her head snapping up and down as she looked at Abbie, eyes wide. Tears welled up in her eyes. "No, please."

"Alex, is someone hurting you right now?" Abbie asked.

"No," Alex said. "Yes. I cantell." Her words slurred worse and worse as she sat there, struggling to focus on the difference between reality and memory.

Two paramedics spilled into the apartment, and Alex's attention snapped from Abbie to the two strange men. She screamed, wrapping her arms around her shoulders as she cried, repeating the word 'no' over and over, striking at the medics. It was Abbie who reached in and grabbed Alex's hands, though, stopping her from hurting herself.

"Alex, it's Abbie. I need you to focus on me. Focus on my voice. Peter can't hurt you. He's not here. I am. I'm here. I'm not going to let him hurt you."

"Abth," Alex murmured.

"Yea, Abs," Abbie said, placing her hand on Alex's cheek and forcing her to continue to face her. "These guys are my friends. They're helping, right? Because you had a little too much to drink. You and I are going to the hospital so they can take care of you."

"Yea," Alex breathed. Her eyes fluttered closed, head drooping to the side as she lost consciousness.

When Alex woke up again, she was lying in the hospital, staring up at the ceiling with machines making noises around her. Sitting up, Alex looked around her, her head pounding and her body aching.

"Good morning," Abbie murmured from the corner.

"Ow," Alex whispered.

"Welcome back," Abbie said, still quiet. "You're at the hospital, Alex. You drank too much."

Alex nodded, rubbing her hands over her head. "It-urth," she slurred.

"You're still drunk," Abbie said with a small laugh. "You will be until five or six in the morning. Your blood alcohol was pretty high."

Again, Alex nodded. "Oh," she murmured, shaking her head and then wincing. She rubbed her temples. "Why're you-ere?"

"Because you were afraid. You were afraid of Peter hurting you, so I told you I wasn't going to leave you. I'm not the kind of person who goes back on my word, Alex. Besides, someone's going to have to make sure you make it home from here. When was the last time you slept? I mean, really slept, more than a few hours."

"Inunna," Alex mumbled. "Why?"

"You'e been out for nearly four hours, but the doctor said something about how sleep deprivation could intensify the effects of not only alcohol but the normal reactions to trauma. Why don't you lay back and get some sleep? I'll still be here if that's okay."

"Yea," Alex answered. "I'm sorry. I don't know why-"  
"It's not a big deal, Alex," Abbie interrupted. "After a trauma, we all handle things differently. I started smoking and running miles every day. We try to kill the pain in different ways. I think you should consider counseling sooner than later, though, because you can't do this again. If I hadn't already been planning on picking you up, who would have found you? If you died, Alex, it would have been late next week that anyone considered you a missing person and the detectives came over to find your body. I don't want to see you die, Alex. He doesn't deserve to take your life as well."

Rolling on her side, Alex pulled the hospital sheet over her body, clutching it tightly. It did not quite feel like the sheet on her bed, but she did not feel all that comfortable under it, either. "He already did," she mumbled.

Abbie did not say anything, but Alex noticed that she did not leave, either. Eventually, the alcohol kicked back in, and Alex drifted off into a fitful sleep.

By five, Alex was cognizant and itching to leave the ER. She was embarrassed for having drank so much that she required hospitalization and even more so that it was her boss who had found her. Abbie hardly seemed phased except that she had mentioned several times that Alex see a counselor. The nurse came in with a breathalyzer, and Alex blew just under the legal limit. She groaned in frustration.

"Can I go home?" Alex asked. "I swear to God, I'm not an alcoholic. I just – I had a bad day."

"I'll have the doctor check in with you," the nurse advised. "It'll be up to him whether or not you can leave before you're completely sober, but if you have someone willing to be with you, he might consider it."

Alex sighed, sinking into the chair she was sitting in. Once she was sober enough to stand and walk around, she had escaped the bed, unable to be in it. "I live alone," she murmured.

"You're staying with me this weekend, Alex," Abbie reminded her from the corner of the room. "She'll be safe at my house. I'll watch her."

The nurse nodded. "I'll let the doc know you're volunteering. Alex, you came very close to dying tonight. If you had been left alone all night, the alcohol would have shut down your liver and kidneys. You would have been dead by the morning. You got lucky, Alex, that someone found you. I know you've said many times that you're not an alcoholic, but if you drink this much again, you'll probably end up in the morgue."

"I know," Alex said, licking her lips as she sighed. "I'm grateful for the intervention, I am."

The nurse offered a skeptical look, and Alex understood. She probably heard it every day from frequent fliers through the hospital, alcoholics and drug addicts of all ages who swore that they would get help. But, Alex sincerely planned on figuring herself out.

As the other woman turned to leave, though, Alex called out, "Wait." She pressed a hand over her stomach, her lips in a thin line. "I'm late, my period. Um, did they run a pregnancy test when I came in?"

"It's standard for women your age, yes," the woman replied, flipping through the chart. "But, you're not pregnant, Alex."

A rush of relief flooded her, and she sank into the chair. "Thank God," she whispered, clenching her hand over her stomach. The sense of relief that she felt brought tears to her eyes, and she blinked them back as she exhaled heavily.

"Alex, if you want to talk to our on staff counselor about anything before you leave, let me know. I can set up a meeting, and she can refer you out to long term counseling, too." The skeptical look turned to a sad one as she frowned at Alex.

"I'll be alright," Alex said, pressing her lips together.

When the nurse left, Abbie turned to Alex. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

"I took Plan B, Abs. I just wasn't sure if it worked or not. He didn't, um, he didn't use protection, and I wasn't on birth control. I had never needed it before." Alex folded her hands over her stomach, blinking quickly.

Abbie frowned, her brow knitting. "Alex, were, were you a virgin?" she asked. Eyes squeezed shut, Alex nodded. "Alex, I'm sorry. What was the extent of your sexual experience before that?"

Pressing her lips together, Alex shrugged. "Kissing? Peter had rubbed his hands on my back and stomach, but never anywhere else. I told Peter I loved him the day he did it. I let him lay on me on the couch. I was okay until he started touching my breasts, and I told him to stop, that I wasn't prepared for that. He told me to trust him, that he wouldn't hurt me. I – I was terrified of having sex. I was so afraid of it hurting, and I let that get in the way. If I had just said yes, Abbie." Alex bit her lip, looking down. "None of this would have happened. If I had just said yes -"  
"You are under no obligation to say yes to anyone at any time, whether it's a kiss or having your body touched in any other way to straight up sex, Alex. The moment you say no is the moment your partner needs to stop, even if you've done the same thing before or you allowed or initiated the contact. The moment you say no, it stops. If he continues, Alex, it's criminal."

Holding her legs close to her, Alex stared forward. "I liked the feel of him on top of me, Abbie. I would have, I think, one day, had sex with him. He made me feel like a princess, Abs, and not the Ice Princess I am at work. I mean, like a real princess. He would pick me up after work and take me sailing just because. Or, we'd go have dinner at some new place or some hole in the wall. He would give me little presents. We'd go dancing, and he taught me how to fox trot and I taught him how to tango. He'd kiss the back of my neck and whisper to me about how beautiful he thought I was. He'd open the door for me when we went places. I mean, a real gentleman, Abs. If I had said yes, he'd still be a real gentleman."

Abbie shook her head. "I beg to differ, Alex. A real gentleman would have stopped when you said no. Regardless of how long you wanted to wait before having sex, Alex, a real gentleman would have waited for you to be ready."

"I guess," Alex mumbled, staring forward.

"You want to change how society views victims, Alex. That's why I wanted you to be the ADA for the 16th. Those detectives want the same thing. Benson, Stabler, Munch, that's what they're gunning for. That's why they're so out of control. To change the world, Alex, you have to change how you view what happens to you, too. He raped you. Every excuse you make for him to make yourself less of his victim and more of an accomplice, Alex, is an excuse you set up for a man who rapes another woman. If what happened to you had happened to a woman you did not know, would you take the case?"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four.

Screaming, Alex sat up, clutching the comforter against her as she stared around the unfamiliar room. Panting, she pushed her hair back from her face before slipping out of the unfamiliar bed, wrapping her arms around her.

"Alex?" Abbie said as she knocked on the open door of the bedroom. "Are you okay?" Alex nodded. "I'm going to turn on the lights." She did, and Alex blinked rapidly as the light invaded her vision.

Alex pushed back tears as she sank onto the bed. "I'm sorry, Abbie. I didn't mean to wake you up," she said.

"It's okay," Abbie said. "Can I sit next to you?" Alex nodded, and Abbie sat down beside the other attorney, holding her hand out. Alex tentatively took it, holding her hand gently. For several minutes, Abbie just sat next to Alex in silence. Alex was grateful for the unexpected support from her supervisor, but she had no idea what to say or do or even think. After a while, she leaned over and rested her head on Abbie's shoulder, the bronze Texan wrapping an arm around her. "You're safe here, Alex."

Nodding, Alex remained silent, her mind dancing. Finally, she licked her lips. "When does it stop?" she asked. "When do the nightmares and the memories stop?"

Abbie rubbed Alex's arm softly. "They don't," Abbie said. "But, they don't come as often. Eventually, you have regular dreams again. You can sleep through the night. You can go places without being reminded of him. You can lay in bed without feeling his breath on your neck. Sometimes, something happens, and the nightmare consumes a few nights. But, you find more reasons to keep going as time continues. You meet people, and when they kiss you, you realize that you're not stained and that it is okay to want better and have better because you deserve it. One day, you decide you're ready to be intimate, and maybe the first couple of times, you have flash backs, but he's gentle and understands. He lets you call the shots until the memories fade, and all you see when you're together in him. You don't see the rapist any more."

Alex smiled softly. "How long does that take?" she asked. "Because I'd like to stop seeing him every time I get out of the shower. The air from the fans at work feel like his breath on my face. Every time I lay down, I feel like he's nearby, that he's going to crawl on top of me."

"It's different for everyone, Alex," Abbie said. "You can't put a time limit on it. But, you can stay here any time you want."

Pressing her lips together, Alex nodded. "Thank you, Abbie."

"Hey, everyone needs someone and somewhere that's safe. I know you would prefer to stay at the office, but that's just not feasible." Abbie took Alex's hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. "It will be okay, Alex. One day at a time, okay?"

"Okay," Alex whispered, nodding.

Abbie stayed with Alex until she fell back asleep, carefully covering her with the comforter again before quietly sneaking out. It was Saturday evening, and Alex had not touched her work the previous day. In fact, she had mostly lain on the couch, still nursing feeling ill from the alcohol she

had consumed. Abbie did not mind. She made Alex a cup of peppermint tea and made sure she was comfortable. They did not talk about Alex's assault or the events leading up to her hospitalization because she had not wanted to. At that point, Abbie was letting Alex take the lead in conversations that did or might involve whatever emotions and questions that Alex was dealing with. Otherwise, they talked about politics and elections, history, art – which was more Alex's passion than Abbie's with the Texan finding herself learning more than she was actually discussing.

Alex woke up alone in the late morning, sun warm on the bed she was sleeping in. After the nightmare she had, she had no other nightmares through the night. Pulling on a sweatshirt and pair of jeans, Alex walked into the living room looking for her hostess. "Abs?" she called, when she did not see anyone.

"Kitchen," Abbie said, "I'll be right out. Do you want breakfast?"

Alex considered as much as she walked through the living room and through the kitchen door. "Can I help?" she asked, picking at a tea bag laid against a small saucer by the stove.

"Sure," Abbie said, nodding at a pepper sitting on a cutting board. "I'm making omlettes. Care to dice it?"

Alex nodded, picking up the nearby knife and cutting the yellow and red peppers still sitting on the counter. As she diced them, making little piles, Abbie picked them up, sprinkling some into the first omlette in the pan. When she was finished with her task, Alex watched Abbie cook while they talked about food and learning how to cook as children and teens. Abbie came from a middle class family, so she had learned from her mother. Alex had learned from a nanny, swearing up and down that she was convinced her mother had no idea how to make toast let alone an actual meal.

Abbie pulled some fruit out of the refrigerator, handing Alex the container. "There should be small bowls in the cabinet to your left. Would you mind?"

Alex found two little bowls and put fruit in each of them, following Abbie out of the kitchen and into the dining room. She set the bowls on the table, and Abbie handed her a fork and a spoon. "Dig in, Alex," she said. "God knows you probably haven't eaten much in the past two weeks."

"I'm actually hungry for once," Alex said with a soft sigh. "I appreciate it."

"What are friends for, Cabot?" Abbie said with a smile. "Give me just a second, and I'll be back. Do you want cream or sugar? It's Earl Grey."

Alex nodded. "Thanks," she said.

When Abbie returned, she had both cups of tea and a cream and sugar container that she sat on the table between their two spots. "I think that's about everything unless you have any special requests," she said as she sat down.

"This is amazing, Abbie. Thank you." As they ate, they continued to talk about whatever subject came up, and Alex was amazed that for the first time in two weeks, she felt like a normal human being again. She had to admit that it was a little strange to be having breakfast at her boss's house with the woman herself, but other than that, it was good.

"Do you have plans for the day?" Abbie asked. Alex shook her head. "I know I'm your boss, but how do you feel about a girl's day? Go get a mani-pedi, maybe get our hair done, just silly, ridiculous stuff."

"That actually sounds really good, Abbie," Alex said, nodding. "I was thinking about a hair cut." She smiled, her head down. "Just, a change of appearance."

"Sounds good," Abbie said.

They spent the better part of the late morning and early afternoon out. Alex had her hair cut shorter, and Abbie teased her about looking like she was in her thirties instead of her twenties. Alex had frowned and rolled her eyes, but their banter had all been in good fun. Once they had lunch and had their nails glossed and manicured, Alex suggested a small shopping trip citing the fact that she wanted to get new pajamas and home clothes so that she would stop falling asleep in her business suits. Abbie had been more than happy to take Alex shopping, both of them enjoying existing in a world where they were still young and they did not have the responsibilities on their shoulders that they had taken on. Abbie was thirty, five years older than Alex, but they were still young, and it was like therapy for both of them to just spend a day playing.

"I'm not putting it on, Abbie," Alex called over the changing room door. "No way in hell."

"Come on, Alex," Abbie pleaded. "It will be cute."

After a few minutes, Alex opened the door, her lips pursed as she placed a hand on her hip, glaring at Abbie.

"I was wrong," Abbie said, staring. "It's not cute. You look gorgeous." She blinked a couple of times for effect. "Stunning."

Alex licked her lips, letting her arms relax as she spun in the dress she was wearing, giving Abbie the full 360. The ruby red dress fit over her torso like a glove but fanned loose from her hips to her knees, puffing just a little as she twirled. The front of the dress came up halter style, covering her to her neck, long sleeves tight down her arms. The back, though, was open, fabric elegantly draped so that Alex's spine and shoulder blades were exposed. At her shoulder blades, a small gold coloured chain connected the fabric with a red crystal charm hanging in the back.

"You have a tattoo," Abbie said with a smirk as Alex turned forward again. "When did you get that?" Abbie wiggled her finger, indicating that Alex ought to turn around again.

In the middle of Alex's back sat a large blue and yellow rose, vines twisting around in a tribal style such that it looked like the rose was sitting on top of a macaw. "I was eighteen," Alex said, "in my freshman year at Columbia. I doodled it in the quad on lunch one day, and a friend of mine touched it up and volunteered to put it on me permanently. I agreed."

"It's unique. I don't see a lot of blue or yellow in roses in tattoos. Does it have a special meaning?"

Alex shrugged. "Not initially. It took me six months to agree to let her tattoo it on me, but I really liked the image. It made me feel like I was able to put something about me out there without being obvious. Really, it's just a matter of how it made me feel." Looking over her shoulder, Alex watched as Abbie looked at the details in the tattoo. Alex had had it touched up about a year previous, so the colours still popped. "Do you have any?"

"Yea," Abbie said. "There's one on my thigh."

"Inside or outside?" Alex asked.

Abbie laughed. "Inside," she admitted. She chewed her lower lip. "It's a black cat."

"On you?" Alex asked, brows raised. "That's a story I need to hear."

"Alright, alright," Abbie said. "Over coffee. By the way, you really do look stunning in that dress. You would steal the show at one of your family's charity events."

Alex laughed, flushing slightly. "I don't think that's the point at charity events."

"It is if you want to be remembered for governor," Abbie murmured with a warm smile.

"I want to be remembered for my wit and political platform, Abs, not how hot I look in red," Alex chided.

Abbie smiled. "Well, go change. As far as I'm concerned, you look great in any colour, but I'm a little bias." Abbie shrugged.

"God, we need to find you a girlfriend," Alex said with a laugh.

Shaking her head, Abbie shooed Alex back into the dressing room. "I've never lied about my attraction to you," Abbie advised. "You're still the one who opted to remain friends."

"Yea, I know," Alex mumbled. "You're a good friend. I can deal with a little teasing if you can." Abbie had been assigned Alex's mentor through the office's Baby DA program. Fresh out of law school and never having prosecuted before, Alex had agreed to be mentored by a more experienced ADA, and she had been partnered with Abbie who was on the general felony docket at that time. Alex had very quickly learned that Abbie was bisexual when Abbie admitted late one evening at the office that she found Alex to be extremely attractive and would have jumped at the chance to date her. After the unexpected confession, Abbie had offered to pair Alex with a different mentor and to discontinue speaking with her except professionally, apologizing profusely for crossing the professional line, but Alex had declined telling Abbie that she was probably the best person to be paired with and advising that the outburst had been in the spirit of friendship, not professionalism, therefore not crossing into the office's sexual harassment policy.

"Give a little, get a little," Abbie said as she shrugged. "You can always tell me when to back off and shut up, Alex. I will."

Alex nodded as she came out of the changing room, back in her own jeans and shirt. The dress was hung and draped over her arm. "I know, Abs," she said as she held the dress up. "I'll get it, but not because you drool when I wear it."

Abbie laughed. "Lovely," she said with a warm smile. "A girl can pretend." Alex rolled her eyes. She took the dress to the front and paid for it, arranging to have it dropped off at her apartment with the front desk.

"I could use a date in a couple of months for a charity dinner hosted by the Kiminsky firm. I'm not taking Peter," Alex said, leaning back just enough that Abbie knew she was serious and not joking around.

"I don't know if you're going to win any votes taking a woman to one of these things, Alex," Abbie cautioned. "I know you're straight, but perception is everything. You know that."

"I do," Alex answered. "But, there's nothing wrong with taking a friend to a charity dinner. It's for an environmental deal. To be honest, I'm not all that interested, but John Kiminsky is my father's friend. I have to go. I think the family will understand that I would prefer to bring a friend than a man."

Abbie nodded. "I'll check my calendar. Text me the details," she said. "I imagine I'll be free. For something like that, I'll make time."

Pressing her hands into her abdomen, Alex groaned, her brow furrowed.

"You okay?" Abbie asked, concerned.

Alex nodded. "I need to go to the restroom," she whispered. "I was two days late, but that doesn't seem to be the case any more."

Abbie laughed. "Well, congratulations, Alex. You're bleeding."

Alex narrowed her eyes. "As long as I'm not pregnant, I can get through this." Abbie reached out, her hand resting on Alex's shoulder. "I didn't mean that as terribly as it sounds. I don't know if I want kids or not, but I do know that I don't want them unless I'm in a loving, consensual relationship."

"Not a soul on this planet that can argue with that, Alex," Abbie said. "There's nothing wrong with being grateful for your period."

"The only one I'll ever be grateful for," Alex murmured, shaking her head. Abbie held the door open for Alex to step through. Alex darted off to the bathroom, and Abbie waited in line, laughing privately to herself. Genuinely, though, she was relieved because Alex was relieved. Plus, without her having reported the rape, if Alex was pregnant, unless she terminated the pregnancy, she would have to have Peter's consent to adopt the child out or have to fight him for custody if he decided that he wanted to parttake in raising a child. Really, it was just a lot less of a confusing headache to not be pregnant.

"You're deep in thought," Alex murmured several minutes later as they were waiting for their drink orders.

Abbie shook her head. "Just remembering," she murmured. Then, she put on a smile that Alex knew was forced because it was the same smile she had been forcing for the past two weeks. "It's not important."

"If you ever need to talk, Abs," Alex offered.

"Maybe, but not now," Abbie said. She gave Alex a small smile that was a little less forced to reassure her. "Let me worry about you now." She gave Alex's shoulder a squeeze. It was a familiar gesture, and Alex smiled. She appreciated it. For the past two weeks, she had been floundering, feeling incredibly alone in her world. She had no idea what to tell her parents, and there were not many other people she was comfortable telling. It had been humiliating enough telling the judge to get the restraining order. There was no way she was prepared to talk again in two weeks, not when Peter would be there.

In two weeks, she intended to drop the restraining order knowing full well that if she did not, Peter would follow through on his threats about telling the judge what had happened that night. She did not want to have to do that, but she knew it would happen. The only foreseeable means of preventing him from spilling her dirty secret was to not provide him with the opportunity. She hated it because she knew the moment the restraining order was lifted, he would hound her just to prove he could.

"Now who's deep in thought?" Abbie mused. "You keep getting this look on your face, Alex, like you're struggling with something big."

"Just zoning out," Alex answered as their drink order was called, and she stepped forward, picking up both cups. She handed one off to Abbie and smiled. "I guess it's just strange being anywhere, being here. Not here, but where I am, in my career, politically, personally. I feel like I'm pulled three different directions all at once. I have this amazing career that is interfering with my personal life or, maybe it's the other way. My personal life has started interfering with my work."

Abbie nodded. "Understandable. You've got a lot going on, Alex. You're brilliant, but I do understand if you want to step back and take a break. If you want to take a vacation or even put in for a different unit, Alex, I'll approve it. Donnelly and Lewin won't overrule me over it. SVU is hard. You wouldn't have to explain your own attack. No one would question that you didn't want to continue long term."

"But, I do," Alex protested. "I want to be in this unit, Abbie. I don't want to give it up, even if I can't shake the memories." Alex looped her arm through Abbie's as they sat beside each other, her head resting on Abbie's shoulder. "As long as I can push through my own flashbacks without endangering a case, you won't pull me, will you? You won't tell Liz?"

Abbie laughed. "You're not playing fair," she teased, combing Alex's soft blond hair with her fingers. "You know I can't say no when you get all cuddly." Abbie winked, and Alex laughed. "You're a terrible person, you know? You manipulate people when you play hardball, and you manipulate people when you get all cuddly and cute. What the hell am I going to do as your super?"

"Love me," Alex said, sitting up and slouching back in her chair with a long sigh.

"Uh oh," Abbie said.

"I'm dropping the RO," Alex murmured.

"Alex, you just got that. What's going on?" Abbie asked, twisting in her seat. "I know it's hard to talk about what happened, but did something happen that he could blackmail you with or something?" She reached out, and Alex flinched away, shaking her head. "You think he'll do something if you don't lift the order? Because he seemed really disinclined to challenge the idea of the order. I don't think he wants to go to jail." Abbie held her hand out, Alex slowly taking it, holding her hand tightly.

Shaking her head, Alex sighed. "No one wants to go to jail, Abs. At least, not people who have it better outside of the jail. Pete's a stock broker. He's got it far better outside of jail. Besides, I don't really want to testify, and he'd take it to trial, even if I had reported it then. As far as he was concerned, everything that happened was consensual."

"But, you told him you didn't want it, didn't you?" Abbie asked. Alex nodded. "Then, how is that even remotely consensual?"

"I, um, I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Alex murmured, rubbing her hands up and down her arms. She shuddered. "Can we leave? I think I'm going to throw up."

"Sure, Alex," Abbie said.

Alex stood up, and Abbie looped her arm through Alex's that time, guiding her out of the store and into the streets. Alex clung to Abbie's arm, and when Abbie pushed the door open to her apartment, walking Alex to the couch where she collapsed onto the couch and laid down. Abbie picked up a blanket and laid it over Alex. Squeezing her eyes shut, Alex curled her arms closer to her, shivering violently before her fight with the tears concluded with her the abject loser. Her lips pulled tight over her teeth and she sobbed, tears streaming down her face and pooling into the crevices in her face.

"Can I sit here?" Abbie asked, indicating the portion of the couch by Alex's stomach.

Still crying, Alex nodded. "I can't stop thinking, Abbie. I feel like I'm obsessing inappropriately about it all. The first thing I see when I wake up is his face, looming over me. It's the last thing I see before I sleep. The only thing that numbs it is the alcohol, and that scares the crap out of me."

Abbie tucked Alex's hair behind her ear, but Alex flinched. "Alex, do you feel safe at home?" she asked.

"No," she whispered, shaking her head. "I know that he can't get there, but my bed – I threw the bed away and all of the sheets and clothes, but it's still the same room." Sobbing, Alex covered her mouth with her hand. "I tried to scrub the floors, but I can't get the carpet in there clean enough. They're coming to replace it Monday. I'm planning on moving, but while I'm looking, it's still there."

"Okay, Alex," Abbie murmured, taking up her hand and stroking her fingers very softly. "Do you feel safer here?" Alex nodded. "Then, stay here. Until you find a new place, stay here. I've got a guest room. You're more than welcome. When you find a place, I'll even help you to move in."

"I can't," Alex said, shaking her head, eyes wide as she stared at Abbie. "If you knew how disgusting I was, you wouldn't want to touch me, let alone let me stay here."

"You're not disgusting," Abbie said. "What he did to you does not make you disgusting. It makes him disgusting. You're beautiful, Alex. More over, you're my friend. I want to make sure you know I'm here for you, that I'll do what I can to keep you safe. It may not be much, but it is what friends do."

Alex laughed softly, almost bitterly. "You're such a good person, Abs," she murmured.

Abbie just smiled in response. "No better than you, Alex," she murmured. "What can I do for you?"

"Kill me," Alex mumbled.

"You don't mean that," Abbie chided with a small frown. "Alex?"

Alex shook her head. "I don't," she said, "but I kind of wish I did."

"Why don't I fix you a cup of tea?" Abbie offered.

"Do you have anything stronger?" Alex asked, biting her lip. "I won't drink as much as last night, I promise."

With a small frown, Abbie nodded. "I have wine. That might help you unwind, too. I know you're not going to drink that much, Alex, but I still worry about you." Nevertheless, Abbie got up, and when she returned, she had two glasses of wine in her hands. She gave one to Alex who sat up, the blanket wrapped around her as she shivered.

"Can I sit by you?" Abbie asked.

Alex nodded. "You don't have to ask permission, Abbie."

Flashing Alex a broad, reassuring grin, Abbie leaned back. "I don't want to do anything that might spook you, Alex. You're under a considerable amount of pressure right now. You don't need me adding to it."

"On the contrary, Carmichael, you're relieving more pressure than you even realize," Alex said with a soft smile as she took a sip of the wine.

"I'm glad," Abbie murmured, sinking into the couch even further. "What do you like to watch?" She picked up the remote, making to hand it to Alex, but she refused. "Not a television fan?"

"I haven't owned a TV in years," Alex admitted. "I mostly read the news paper."

"That's right," Abbie said with a smile. "You're an art history major. What about the history channel? It's not all art, but some of it is. At least you can distract yourself by learning something."

Alex popped her brows. "Sounds fine to me. What do you like to watch?"

"Anything that doesn't have to do with work," Abbie admitted.

"So, no NCIS for you. Got it," Alex teased.

Abbie laughed, shaking her head. "Definitely not. Though, I would love an excuse to be able to Gibbs slap someone. The things they get away with in television crime dramas. It's unreal."

It was a genuine laugh that escaped Alex's mouth. "The shit we get away with," she mused, leaning up against the dark haired Texan again. "I bet they could make a crime drama out of this."

"Yea," Abbie agreed, "but who would be the lead character?"

"What do you mean?" Alex asked.

"Like, who would be the lead?"

Alex frowned. "Certainly not us. Probably Munch or something. You could make a soap opera out of that guy's life. A crime drama's not that far off."

Abbie laughed. "So, you've noticed, too?"

"He's got more conspiracy theories than anyone I've ever met. I mean, seriously, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a CIA spy come to sprinkle pesticides directly on his food while selling guns and ammunition to the Canadian government to use against Norway. I swear, some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth," Alex said, still snickering as she shook her head. "There are times when I just can't respond. I just kind of stand there and stare. What the hell am I supposed to say?"

Abbie shrugged. "Do you ever think he's right?" she asked.

"All the time," Alex admitted, her face turning more serious again as she shook her head.

Abbie nodded. "Me, too. Don't understimate him. He's getting intel from actual US spies."

"You think?" Alex asked, raising a brow. "I mean, I figured he had his connections because doors open for him almost as easily as they do for me, but I never thought -"  
"You didn't hear it from me."

"Of course not. What about Fin?" Alex asked.

"Who?" Abbie replied, confused.

Alex's brow furrowed. "He's a narc detective recently transfer – oh. He wasn't there until after you left. He's very serious, anyway. I like him, but I'm having a hard time reading his motives. He'll seem vulnerable one moment and then rock solid the next."

"Hm," Abbie mused, a finger to her lips as her mouth twisted into a wicked smile. "Reminds me of a blond I know."

Alex laughed. "I'm not that bad. Am I?"

"You tell me," Abbie said. "Is Jeffries still there?"

"No, Fin was her replacement. Sleeping with the suspect is a little bit of an unforgiveable offense. She went to vice, though, so maybe that'll suit her better." Abbie nodded. "Elliot and Olivia are still there. Elliot's very – he scares me, but I think it's just because of Pete." Alex's eyes went wide, and she spoke quickly to back track. "Not that I think he would ever do anything Pete did but because there's this violence simmering under his skin, like a wild rage. The wrong perp walks through that door, and I'm afraid Elliot would rightfully tear his throat out. He and I argue a lot."

"He'll grow on you," Abbie advised. "He'll lay down his life in a heartbeat protecting you, too, Alex. Don't ever forget that."

Alex nodded. "I'll try to keep that in mind."

"What about Benson?"

"She's interesting," Alex murmured. "She's hiding something. I don't know what, but it makes her think and react differently than the others. She's almost bleeding heart, but not quite. She's not that bad, but she definitely does not know when to let things go."

"She ask you for favours yet?" Alex nodded. "Use your discretion giving them, Alex, but you will earn her loyalty fast if you at least listen to her requests."

"I've noticed," Alex answered. She set her empty wine glass down on the little table to the side of the couch before curling back up against Abbie. "Why am I always so exhausted?"

Wrapping her arm around Alex, Abbie held her against her. "Because healing takes so much energy, Alex. And, you've had about six hours of sleep if you don't count your drunk stupor. If you want to sleep, go ahead and take a nap. I'll wake you up if anything exciting happens." Abbie offered a fond smile which Alex returned, her eyes fluttering closed.

When Alex woke back up, it was with a jolt. "Peter, no," she yelped, sitting up so quickly she fell off the couch with a loud thud. She looked around her, panting, her stomach muscles tight as the last remnants of her nightmare dissipated.

As she made to stand up, a hand by her cheek stopped her. "Peter?" she mewled, shutting her eyes tightly. "Please. Isn't it enough that I love you?"

"Alex, it's Abbie. Open your eyes," the voice above her said, and Alex felt someone crouch beside her. Slowly, she opened her eyes, finding Abbie squatting close beside her, lower lip tucked in her teeth, brown eyes shining with worry. "Hey. There you are."

Alex flushed, hanging her head. "I'm sorry, Abbie. I really can't get this sleeping thing down."

"It's okay, Alex," Abbie said. "I was kind of expecting nightmares this weekend. I wouldn't have offered for you to stay here if I wasn't willing to help you through them."

"How did you deal with them?" Alex asked.

Abbie pressed her lips together. "Not in a very healthy manner," she admitted. "In the six months after my rape, I had over eighty different sexual partners, mostly one night stands, in an attempt to gain back the control he took from me. I learned the hard way that doesn't work. Control is fleeting." She sighed softly. "I had nightmares almost every night. I woke up screaming. I scratched myself in my sleep. I started grinding my teeth."

Alex nodded. She was grinding hers, too, if the pain in her jaw was any indication. "How do you stop it?"

"With time, work, and a support system."

Biting her lip, Alex nodded. "I don't want to sound awkward, but would you just hold me?"

"Sure, Alex," Abbie said. "If that's what you need." Abbie helped Alex stand up before she collapsed on the couch, and Alex sat beside her, blanket still wrapped around her shoulders as she lay over Abbie, the Texan's arms around her. It was funny in some ways. Alex had always considered herself very conservative until she met Abbie and she learned what a conservative view point really was. Abbie viewed abortion as murder and the death penalty was no brainer. Alex was more liberal on the abortion view point, but she tended to agree with Abbie on the death penalty deal. It was there, and Alex was happy to go after death penalty cases when she felt like the murder was genuinely heinous enough.

When Alex woke next, Abbie was still curled around her, both women laid out on the couch, Abbie hugging the edge so that Alex would not fall off. Abbie's eyes were closed, and Alex watched her sleeping face. Every so often, her eye lids would flutter, and Alex could not help but marvel at how dainty and vulnerable someone like Abigail Carmichael looked in her sleep. It made Alex wonder if she looked peaceful, too. Or, did she still look like the Ice Queen, her expression and her features permanently hard?

Glancing up at the wall clock, Alex was surprised that it was gone midnight, both attorneys not only having slept through the remainder of the evening after Alex's nightmare, but well through the night. Alex frowned at her loss of time. She had been intending to get home since they both had to be in the office in a few hours. Other than feeling a little sore from the couch, though, it was the first time that Alex had felt rested when she woke.

Gently, Alex untangled herself from the Texan, climbing over her still sleeping form, the need to urinate overpowering her desire to let Abbie sleep longer. Her friend had been so accommodating and understanding, not once judging Alex or demanding anything from her. It was easy to feel comfortable in Abbie's apartment, and Alex wondered what it would be like to stay for just the couple of weeks it would probably take her to find a new place. On the bright side, it put her out of her own apartment where she was having such obvious difficulties. The building was still secure which meant that Peter would not be able to gain access without either Alex or Abbie allowing him up, and that was not about to happen. Abbie also knew what he looked like courtesy of him showing up to the court house and her being present when the restraining order was served. So, even if he used a fake name, she could stop him. The down side was that if Peter found out Alex was staying there, Alex worried that he would either try to hurt Abbie either physically or socially or that he would tell her what had happened the night he had raped her and Abbie would be repulsed.

For several minutes, Alex stood in the bathroom, staring at her reflection. She had used concealer to cover most of the bags, but with some sleep, she actually did look better. She figured that she would not need the make up to cover herself that day. That actually contented her just fine since she did not particularly care for wearing much makeup. Leaning forward, Alex opened her mouth, sticking her tongue out and using the mirror to peer inside her mouth. In a way, she figured that a part of her was looking for evidence even two weeks later, some sign that would be obvious to others that he had violated her in every which way possible. But, after two weeks, even the small tear in the corner of her mouth was healed as if it had never been there.

The part that was, hands down, the hardest for her to accept was the anal assault. If she had consented, she knew she was more than willing to try both oral and vaginal penetration. It made her curious, but she had wanted to reserve her satisfaction of curiosities until she was at least more ready. The one thing, though, she had never considered, had never wanted to consider was anal. That was something she would never have consented to, and it made her the sickest when she considered him taking that from her. With a scream filled with emotional hurt and primal anger, Alex hit the glass of the mirror with her hand repeatedly until it broke beneath her palm, slicing her hand open.

She did not notice the injury or the blood as she made to strike the object again, but a pair of arms looped around her waist and pulled her back. "Let me go," she shouted, struggling and very nearly breaking free. But, the hands attached were quicker than she was, and they grabbed her wrists. Alex twisted her hands, screaming primally, like a caged animal desperately trying to get free.

"Let me go," she demanded. "Please, don't do this. Please don't rape me." Alex struggled, her brain on over drive, lost in the realm of memory and fear. "Please, I don't want this. I don't want it." Alex started sobbing again, fighting Abbie. She broke loose, but that did not stop the fight, and she dug her nails into her arms, screaming. "Get him out of me. Get him out. I want him out." Her arms flailed about her, as if she were trying to push something or someone from her. She hit the counter with a loud thunk that made the hair on the back of Abbie's neck stand on end. Blood from the open wound on Alex's palm from the mirror smeared the counter and the walls, flecks of the stuff flying through the air and landing in a dainty arc across the unshattered portions of the mirror.

Abbie was finally able to regain control over Alex, and she pushed her backwards until they both stumbled into the shower, Abbie's body holding Alex against the wall, pinning her arms to her chest. Alex's eyes were squeezed shut as she screamed, trying to break free. Thinking quickly, Abbie turned the shower on cold, the shock making her body reverberate fiercely. Beneath her, Alex tensed up as well, her eyes flying open. As the fight washed out of her down the drain, Abbie eased up, her hands on the shower wall on either side of Alex's.

Slowly, Alex opened her eyes, cold water running down her face. As she raised her hands between them, the water turned pink, staining both Abbie and Alex's clothes with the blood. "You okay?" Abbie asked.

"I think so," Alex whispered, shivering. "What happened?"

"You freaked out. I heard you screaming, and when I came in, you were trying to smash the mirror with your hand," Abbie said as she reached over and turned off the water. "When I tried to stop you, you started fighting me. You were screaming about how you didn't want it. I'm sorry to drench you. It was the only thing I could think of."

Alex nodded. "Thank you," she whispered. "My hand hurts." She glanced down, the pink turning a deeper and deeper red as the water ran off her fingers leaving undiluted blood in its wake. Cringing, she closed her hand and clutched it to her chest.

"We should probably take you to the ER for that. Hands have a lot of nerve endings," Abbie said as she stepped out of the shower, allowing Alex the freedom to move again.

Instinctively, Alex reached out with her non-injured hand and pulled Abbie back to her, holding her close as she wrapped her arms around Abbie's neck, burying her face into the dark, wet hair of her friend.

"I got you," Abbie murmured, pulling Alex off the wall and closer to her. "It's okay, Alex. You're safe. He can't hurt you."

"Sometimes, it still feels like it's happening," Alex whispered as she clung tightly to her friend.

Abbie nodded. "I know, Alex. That'll go away in time, I promise you. Let's get you dry and to the hospital. Come on." Abbie grabbed a face cloth and held it over Alex's palm. "Squeeze the towel." Numb, Alex clutched the cloth, standing in the middle of the bathroom as Abbie wrapped a towel around her and lead her into her bedroom. It took Abbie only a few seconds to pull out a loose fitting shirt and some sweatpants from her drawer and lay them out on the bed.

"It doesn't matter if blood gets on these," she explained. "I don't want you to stain your nicer clothes. These are just weekend housework clothes." Alex nodded, allowing Abbie to towel dry her hair and gently pat down her back and legs, Abbie very deliberately bypassing Alex's rear.

"Keep your hand up above your heart, Alex," Abbie instructed. "I don't want you catching frost bite on the way to the hospital, but I don't want you to go into shock, either." Alex nodded, lifting her hand, but her vacant eyes told Abbie that she had disassociated from the incident. "Alex, do you want me to leave while you change?" Alex nodded again. "Are you going to be able to change?" Alex shook her head, tears dropping down her face. "Do you want me to help you?"

Again, Alex shook her head, trembling finely. She pressed her lips tightly together as Abbie improvised, grabbing the comforter off her bed and wrapping it around Alex. "Hold this," Abbie said, "with your good hand. I'm going to put something dry on, but the comforter should keep you warm." Alex nodded, and Abbie moved her so that she was sitting on the edge of her bed.

Abbie grabbed the clothes she had offered to Alex and changed in the bathroom as quickly as she could convince her body to move. She tied her wet hair back to keep it from sticking to her face and returned to her bedroom. "Alright," she said, "can you walk downstairs okay?"

Alex nodded, but Abbie still went to her side just in case, and when Alex discovered she was shaking too badly to walk very well, Abbie pulled Alex into her and helped her get out of the door and to the elevator. They rode down to the parking garage in silence, Abbie's hand over Alex's helping her to squeeze the cloth. The wash cloth was turning a dark red with the blood, and that made Abbie worry.

"Keep your hand up, Alex," Abbie cautioned again as she helped Alex into the passanger seat of the car. "Good. Squeeze tight. We'll be there in a few minutes, okay?" Abbie climbed into the driver's seat of her car and drove them to the nearest hospital.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five.

CONTENT WARNING – Possible triggers for sexual assault, suicide/self harm, and child abuse.

By the time Alex stumbled into the ER entrance, the blood from the wash cloth was dripping onto the duvet, and she was shaking like a leaf, her eyes completely glazed. Abbie was all but carrying her friend. "I need a wheelchair," she barked. "She's in shock."

Between Abbie and the desk nurse, Alex was placed in a wheelchair with Abbie holding her hand above her head as they walked back to the ER. "What happened?" the nurse asked Abbie as they went.

"She cut her hand," Abbie answered, intentionally remaining vague. Mute, Alex looked up at her, eyes glossy like she was not really in there.

"Why is she wet?" the nurse asked.

"She had a panic attack in the bathroom," Abbie answered. "The cold water helped snap her out of it, but she couldn't change into dry clothes, so I just wrapped her in the blanket."

"That probably saved her life," the nurse observed. "She's pretty far gone."

"Wait," Abbie said. "She may panic again if a man touches her. In this state, I don't know if she'll know the difference between what happened in her past and what's happening in the present."

The nurse nodded, gesturing to another woman in the room. "Help me lift her on the bed. We'll limit her contact with male staff until she's a little more together. We don't need to send her into a panic attack on top of it." They pulled the wet duvet from Alex's body and made short work of her clothes as Abbie crunched herself into a corner of the room, staring with wide eyes. That was the second time in forty eight hours she had been told Alex was lucky to be alive.

The nurses began wrapping Alex in warm blankets while a PA checked out her hand. "It's going to need stitches at the very least," she announced. "How are you two related?"

"She's a friend," Abbie said as she realized that the woman was talking to her.

"Are you okay with blood?" Abbie nodded. The PA gestured for her to stand beside her. "Talk to her. She's going to start coming out of the shock now that she's warming up, and I don't want her to fight me."

Abbie nodded. "Alex," she said, crouching down so that she was eye level with the other attorney. Abbie stroked Alex's cheek. "Hey, we're at the hospital, okay? I know you're a bit freaked out and probably kind of numb, huh? But, it's going to be okay." Turning, Abbie found a chair and pulled it close to Alex's bedside. As she turned, she got a glimpse of Alex's hand. It was torn deep, and Abbie felt her gag reflex churn as she realized what she was looking at was the torn muscle of Alex's hand. It made her wonder just how much blood was in her bathroom.

Reaching out, Abbie stroked the hair from Alex's forehead. While Abbie had always thought Alex looked more her age when she had longer hair, she looked very much like the politician she was with the shorter hair cut. It was much more regal and commanding, the loose blond curls gone. "I'm so sorry about all of this, Alex," she whispered. "If I could somehow prevent it, I would."

"I've applied a local anesthetic to her hand, so it'll just be her hand that's numb. She may still feel some pain," the PA advised Abbie who nodded. "Alex, I need you to try really hard not to move your hand, okay? Even if it hurts."

Alex made no move to respond, her head turned away from everyone as she stared at the wall. Finally, though, her eyes met Abbie's with recognition. "Abs?" she questioned.

"Yeah, Alex, it's me. Do you know where you are?" Abbie asked. Alex made to sit up, but Abbie placed a gentle but firm hand against her chest. "Don't sit up, okay? The doctor is fixing your hand."

"I'm at the hospital?" she asked. Abbie nodded. "I feel dizzy."

"That's normal," the PA said as she worked on her stitches. "You lost quite a bit of blood. We've got you on an IV to help replenish your fluids, but you may feel dizzy for several hours."

"Oh," Alex said almost absentmindedly. She looked to Abbie. "What happened?"

"You had a panic attack. Don't you remember?" Abbie asked. Alex shook her head. "Okay. We'll talk more if you want when the doc's done with your hand. How are you feeling?"

Alex nodded. "Not really here," she answered.

Abbie nodded, stroking Alex's hair.

With her non-injured hand, Alex reached over and twisted Abbie's hair in her fingers. "Why is your hair so wet? Is it raining outside?" she asked.

Laughing, Abbie shook her head. "No. No. I took a very unexpected shower this morning. So did you."

Alex blinked a couple of times. "I remember that," she said. "I was looking at the bags under my eyes in the mirror, and then the next thing I knew, I was in the shower." Alex's brow furrowed. "You pushed me in there?"

"Yes," Abbie said, the word slow. "You were hurting yourself. I was hoping the cold would help snap you out of it. It did, but it turns out it sped up the process of shock. I had no idea how badly injured your hand was. I'm so sorry."

Alex shook her head. "I'm okay because of you," Alex murmured. "Thank you. I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?" Alex reached over and touched Abbie's cheek where a small nail mark indicated she had been scratched. "Did I do that?"

"It's not a big deal," Abbie said, taking Alex's hand in her own and holding it. "You were afraid and you didn't know where you were or what was happening to you. I'm so sorry he did that to you."

Biting her lip, Alex nodded. "I'm sorry nonetheless," she whispered, gasping as the PA made the last sututre. "That one hurt."  
"Sorry," the woman said. "But, you're all done. I'll have one of the EMTs come in and wrap it for you and give you some clean bandages to take home. When the anethesia wears off, you'll experience mild to moderate pain. If it's severe, either return to the hospital or see your PCP as soon as possible. You may experience numbness or tingling. The glass didn't sever anything major, but it was still deep. There's definitely a lot of tissue healing to do, and that's going to be uncomfortable. Try not to bend your hand too much the first few days. Once you're comfortable moving your fingers, you can start working on your hand. Remember, anything that causes too much pain should be avoided."

Alex nodded, still a little dazed, but more in the trauma manner than the traumatic injury manner. "Where are my clothes?"

"They're really wet," Abbie advised. "I drove you here. Would you be okay in a pair of scrubs going home?"

Alex nodded. "Sure. Can I take a blanket with me?"

The PA laughed. "You can take them all if you really want," she joked. "When you get home, I recommend snuggling up and staying warm. You'll be here until that IV bag is at least empty, though, so I suggest getting comfortable."

"Sure," Alex mumbled. "Can I at least put the scrubs on? I feel a little weird lying naked in a bed." She tried for a smile, but all that came out was a lopsided look of sadness.

"You bet. I'll go get them."

"Thanks," Alex whispered, echoed by Abbie in a much more confident voice.

When they were alone, Abbie hovered her hand over Alex's. "Can I see? I want to watch the EMT bandage it in case you need help," she explained. Alex nodded, shifting her weight so that Abbie could take her hand. "Let me know if it hurts."

"It's still pretty numb," Alex said, biting her lip. "I don't think you'll hurt it much. I'm pretty good at doing that all by myself."

"Alex," Abbie said, her voice between chiding and cautioning. "Have you thought about writing down what happened? Just to get it out of your head and somewhere else. You can burn the paper after so no one else can read it. But it's – I'm worried." Abbie cradled Alex's hand in hers, her thumb running along Alex's. "You need some outlet, Alex, becuase trust me, internalizing everything is going to wind up with you in the morgue or some ICU hospital bed."

"Is that what happened to you, Abbie?" Alex asked, sitting herself up straighter. "What happened?"

Abbie's eyes fell as she sighed. "I found out a month after he raped me that I was pregnant," she whispered. "No one else could have been the father, and it wasn't like the baby could have happened during a previous, consensual encounter. We'd always used protection. My parents would have killed me if they found out I was pregnant before I graduated college, and I had no desire to keep the baby. I was going to go through the with pregnancy and put the baby up for adoption. Up until then, I didn't believe in abortions. He found out I was pregnant through the grapevine and told me that he wanted a paternity test because if it was his, he wanted to raise it. I was horrified to think an innocent child would be raised with such a brutal man. The worst part about it was that even if I had opted to not participate, he could have demanded child support from me and I would have had to continue contact with him. That, and I couldn't abandon a child. I had the abortion just before the cut off date."

Abbie bit her lip, absently tracing Alex's fingers as she slowly blinked. "It killed me inside, Alex. I thought I had done the worst thing known to man. I had killed a child, my child. But, I thought that it was better off dead. He called my parents when he found out and told them about the abortion. My mother refused to speak to me for over a year. When I went home that summer, my father slapped me and told me to get out of his house. It took nearly eighteen months before I worked up the courage to tell them about the rape. In that time, I slept with every man who asked me to. I exposed myself to so much danger. I let them do me rough if they wanted to even though it hurt and I didn't like it. I started cutting. That's what the cat tattoo covers, the scars from when I started cutting my legs so that it was less obvious. I chewed through my lip twice and needed stitches both times. I lost my sense of time and space and personhood. My roommate came home one day and found me in the bathtub, still fully dressed. I had taken an entire bottle of prescription sleep aids and sliced my wrists open. I wanted to die. I was so angry when I woke up in the hospital. I told them I wanted to be with my baby, the one I had killed. I was beside myself with grief and anger and hatred and fear. Oh, Alex, I was so afraid. It took me almost dying for my parents to realize I was probably telling the truth about being raped. My mom started talking to me again, and they got me the counseling I needed. I got my help almost at the cost of my life. You've now been hospitalized twice in two days. And, twice, I've been told you're lucky."

Alex reached over and pushed tears from Abbie's face. "I'm so sorry, Abbie," she whispered. "Come here." She sat up and scooted over on the bed, gesturing for Abbie to sit beside her. Hesitantly, Abbie climbed on the bed, and Alex wrapped her arm around her friend. Abbie lay her head on Alex's shoulder, resting an arm over Alex's stomach. Alex held her in silence, her own head resting on Abbie's.

Abbie rubbed the cloth of Alex's blanket between her fingers as she lay beside her. "I guess we never really get past the pain," she said, her voice soft. "Here I am talking about hope and getting better, but here I am, a fucking wreck myself." She laughed darkly.

Alex sushed Abbie, stroking her hair and pressing her face into her. "It's okay, Abbie. We're only human. We can be fucking wrecks together." Abbie snickered, balling up the cloth in her hand. "It's only funny because it's true."

"It's funny because I almost never hear you cuss," Abbie answered, looking up at Alex. "Thanks for not judging me."

Alex smiled. "You haven't judged me yet, Abs. And, there's nothing you've done or had done to you that I can judge you over. We're all human. I mean, I drank enough that if you hadn't made Rafey unlock my apartment door, I would have been dead. I'll make you a deal. There's a counseling program that the hospital social worker recommended to me yesterday. It's a group therapy that meets once each week, but we wouldn't have to go every week if we didn't want to. I'll go every time you go."

Brow furrowed, Abbie considered the deal. "Don't drop the RO," Abbie countered, "and we have a deal."

Alex laughed. "You're such an attorney," she said. Inhaling deeply and sighing, Alex shook her head. "I don't know about the RO, Abs. There's stuff that I – I don't know if I can handle arguing it in court. He can say anything, and it goes on the record."

"Do you think he would lie about something?" Abbie asked. "I mean, other than say he didn't hurt you?"

Alex shook her head. "No. That's the problem. He'd be very happy to tell the truth."

"About what?" Abbie pressed.

Biting her lip, Alex played with Abbie's hair. "When he raped me," Alex answered. Her throat felt tight, and she frowned. Abbie rubbed Alex's ribs as a quiet reminder that she was in the hospital, not at that night she was raped. Alex blinked rapidly as if she were coming out of some kind of trance. "I didn't think he would be so bold as to talk about it openly. He has a family reputation to uphold as well, but I guess if he's going down for something, I have to go down, too."

"You're not going down, Alex," Abbie said. "You've done nothing wrong."

Alex shook her head, pulling away from Abbie. "Maybe you shouldn't touch me." Abbie gave her a look somewhere between hurt and quizzical. "I'm dirty," Alex clarified, shrinking. "I'm just as guilty as Peter is in my rape."

"You said no, Alex," Abbie said. "This is not your fault."

Alex shook her head. "I said it, sure, but I didn't – I didn't." She clutched her hands around her stomach, wincing as her hand stretched out with its new stitches.

"You didn't say it?" Abbie queried. Alex was stock still, curled in a heap as far from Abbie as the bed would allow. "Alex, did you have an orgasm?"

Alex sobbed, shaking hard enough that the bed moved. "I couldn't stop," she whispered. "He touched me places and did things no one else has ever done. It didn't matter how much I said no, he would touch me, and I would – oh, God, it would feel good. I hated it. I felt sick and betrayed. I still don't know what's wrong with me. I must have wanted it."

"No," Abbie said, the word quick. "No, Alex. We're naturally wired for certain things to feel good. If he used your anatomy against you, that's still not consent. He made your body do things you didn't want it to by forcing you to have sexual intercourse. That's rape, Alex. That's the definition of rape."

"If I hadn't wanted it, then why – why were my sheets so soaked?" she asked, half yelling and half whispering. She still faced the wall opposite Abbie, arms wrapped around her body as she trembled.

"Did you say no or in any way indicate that you did not want to have sex with him, Alex?" Abbie asked, her voice firm.

"Yes," Alex said, nodding her head. "I begged him not to. I even told him what he was doing was rape, but he said that it wasn't because I was enjoying myself which was the whole purpose of sex."

"No," Abbie said. "That's not what defines an appropriate sexual encounter. Consent is a glaring part of what it means to have sex with someone, not be raped by them. Consent is the issue, not whether or not whatever myth associated with rape happened or did not happen. Consent has nothing to do with ejaculation or orgasm or pregnancy or STDs or anything outside of the ability of the person to decide whether or not they actively and consciously wanted to participate in a sexual act and whether or not they decided to do so. You have the ability to make that decision, Alex, and you made the decision not to. Not only that, but you verbalized your decision. That should have been the end of it. Anything that happened after that was because he chose not to honour the decision you made."

Alex did not move for several seconds, silent as she stared forward at the wall. Abbie left the bed and slipped out of the room, returning only a few seconds later to find that Alex had not moved except that she was now crying.

"Hey, Alex," Abbie said, crouching down in front of her. "I didn't leave. I want to prove something to you, maybe help you understand something, okay?" Abbie held out a cup of ice, and Alex eyed it suspiciously. "You want to be warm, right?"

"Yea," Alex answered.

"Do you want me to touch you with ice?" Abbie asked.

"No," Alex said, still watching Abbie with uncertainly.

With little more warning than that, Abbie plucked an ice cube from the cup and pressed it against Alex's shoulder drawing a gasp from the woman on the bed. "Abbie," Alex whined.

"Were you cold even though you didn't want to be?" Abbie asked, dropping the cube back in the cup. Pulling the blanket up over her shoulder where Abbie had placed the ice, Alex nodded. "Being cold was the result of me touching you with ice. Did you consent to me touching you with ice?"

Alex licked her lips. "No," she whispered.

"But, even after you told me you didn't want to be touched with ice, I still did, and your body became cold, right? You could not control that reaction from your body. Did that mean that you wanted to be cold because your body became cold?" Abbie said, watching Alex intently as she shook her head in the negative.

The understanding had already sunk in, but with Alex, it would take a few pushes to make it stay. Alex was too stubborn, too determined to blame herself for the attack, and Abbie understood that. In a way, if it were Alex's fault, it made her in control. Instead of having lost control, Alex could say she had just refused to assert it. Thus, if that were the case, the attack would have been her fault. But, it was not the case as Alex's control had been taken from her by force. The attack was not her fault, and Abbie had a feeling it was going to take time for Alex to stop blaming herself despite the work she did and the knowledge she held about sexual assault. Everything felt different when it was personal.

"So," Abbie continued, "even after you told Peter that you didn't want to have sex, he still forced you to have sex, and your body reacted. You couldn't control that reaction, Alex, any more than you could becoming cold when I touched you with the ice. In both scenarios, someone did something to you that you expressly told them not to do. In both scenarios, your body reacted to what they did, not what you did or did not do. A reaction to an action does not equate consent to the action taking place."

Alex nodded, unable to refute Abbie's statements with anything remotely logical. That did not mean that she still did not somehow feel party to the blame, but it did give her something to consider. In her short career with the DA's office to that point, she had never run across a case where the victim had complained of having orgasmed during a rape. But, then, she had spent two weeks in SVU and had experienced her own assault the day before she transferred units. Alex was very knowledgeable about victim's rights laws and statutes pertaining to criminal offenses and civil restraints. However, she was not nearly as familiar with the psychology behind the assaults either for the victims or the perpetrators. It was part of her draw to the squad room, though. She always seemed to learn something new about how people thought and reacted and why they did what they did. She would be remiss to argue that a lot of that draw did not come from her desires to understand herself and her own reactions and fears as she sought to either normalize them or confirm that she was, indeed, the freak that she saw herself as.

"Alex," Abbie whispered after a few minutes. "Are you in there?" She gently moved Alex's hair back before resting her hand on Alex's shoulder. "I'm sorry for startling you, and for doing something you told me not to, Alex. I want you to know that."

Blinking Alex started at Abbie. "I understand your purpose, Abbie," she answered. "It doesn't feel like it's true, but you make sense."

"Your ability to be logical is being interrupted by your emotions, Alex," Abbie said with a soft smile. "That's perfectly normal. Your emotions will agree with your logical reasoning eventually. Just give it time."

"It's been two weeks," Alex scoffed.

"That's not much time," Abbie said. "I can't tell you how much time it'll take, Alex. It's different for everyone, but it could be months and it could be years. You can't rush healing. You can't put a time cap on it or an expectation, that will just hold you back in the long run. Okay?"

Alex nodded, but her facial expression and her eyes did not match her acquiesscence.

A knock at the door drew her attention, and Abbie waved the EMT and a nurse in. "Something for you to wear home, Alex," the nurse said, holding out the scrubs. "They're one size fits all, so you might need to tie them really tight. But, otherwise, this'll get you home. I hope you get some rest and feel better."

Alex nodded. "Thank you," she murmured, watching as the nurse left the scrubs on the counter in the corner.

"Let's see that hand," the EMT said, and Alex tentatively handed her hand to him. Her other hand wrapped in Abbie's, squeezing tight. "I'm Adam, by the way."

"Alex," Alex murmured. "It hurts."

"I'll be gentle, I promise." He carefully examined her hand before uncapping a bottle he had brought in with him. "We're sending this home with you. It's an antibiotic ointment. Put some on every time you change bandages and after every shower, okay?"

"Okay," Alex mumbled.

The EMT continued to instruct her on how to care for the wound and the stitches and then showed her how to wrap it to keep it secure with a splint to discourage her from trying to move her hand too much and open the stitches back up. Alex listened intently, nodding to indicate her understanding. When he finished, he gave her back her hand and sat back on the stool he had pulled over. "Any questions?"

"No," Alex said, shaking her head. "Thank you."

"Alright. Well, feel better, then. It's been good to meet you, but I hope that I don't see you again anytime soon." He chuckled softly at his own joke. Alex smiled faintly. Abbie's smile was a tad more encouraging.

"I'm going to go get a candy bar or something," Abbie said. "Want something?"

Alex shook her head.

"A Snickers bar, got it," Abbie mused as she stood, following the EMT out. As Abbie had obviously intended, Alex took that time to change into the loaner scrubs. She struggled with the pants because of the inability to use both of her hands to their full capacity, but she eventually managed to get them on. The nurse was right, though. They were going to need to be tied tightly.

Tying the pants as tight as she could, Alex picked up the gown, popping the snaps open on the arm with IV in it. She managed to get the cloth up and over her shoulders, but she was unable to tie it in the back, and she hoped that Abbie would not mind tying it for her.

While she waited, Alex sat on the edge of the hospital bed, her lower lip between her teeth as she considered her life until that point. How she had wound up in the hospital room with fresh stitches and fresh tears was absolutely beyond her. She tried to think of where she went wrong, as if it would be one specific incident as opposed to a series of poor decisions. But, then, she really could not think of any poor decisions she had made. All of her life, Alex had contended that regardless of a person's personal choices, no one else had the right to injure another person. She stood up in court for drug addicts who had been beaten by their dealers, prostitutes who were kidnapped or beaten or raped, mentally ill who had been targeted, persons targeted for their gender or sex or race or religion, not because it was her job but because she really believed that no thing that differentiated two people was a reason for one person to harm another. She was being a hypocrite to be so scrutinizing of herself when she demanded that other people not question such things in others. Yes, she knew how it changed a case, but that did not mean that she could not fight for it.

Abbie returned a few minutes later with a Snickers bar in hand, offering it out to Alex. "Thanks," Alex murmured. "Would you do me a favor?"

"Sure," Abbie said, and Alex turned around, indicating with a general wave of her hand the ties that were still undone at her back. Abbie made short work of them, tying them securely, though a little more loosely than Alex would have liked.

Alex wrapped one of the blankets around her and slipped on the pair of socks the nurse had brought in as well. "Are you okay to wait just inside the doors while I go get the car?" Abbie asked, her lips pressed thin as she examined Alex's utter lack of clothing. She appeared to be somehow disarming in a thin cotton outfit, no matter how dark and commanding her glare was. Abbie could not help but to smile at how vulnerable the younger woman appeared to be in that moment. It was somehow humanizing.

Nodding, Alex followed Abbie as far as the hospital doors before sitting down on a small bench near the security desk, trying to make herself seem small and unexceptional. She barely noticed when Abbie walked back in until the Texan lightly touched her arm. Abbie smiled at Alex. "Come on, let's get you home. Do you want to stay with me again tonight?" Abbie asked.

"No," Alex answered, shaking her head. "I need to not be a burden on others. Besides, I don't have any court appropriate clothes at your place."

"That's easily remedied, but it's up to you. And, Alex, trust me, you're not a burden on anyone, least of all me. I just want to make sure that whatever you do and wherever you're spending the night, you're safe and you feel safe. That's all."

Alex leaned in to Abbie as she walked, more for the comfort than for anything else. "I'll be okay," Alex murmured. "The doorman knows not to let anyone up."

"Alright. Why don't I take you straight to your place, then? I'll bring you your clothes in the morning to work? You look exhausted, and I don't want to keep you up any longer than necessary."

"I should clean the mess in your bathroom," Alex protested.

Abbie shook her head. "No. You should get some sleep. I'll clean it up when I get home. You need to get some rest."

"Thank you, Abbie," Alex murmured.

But, that night, sleep did not come easy. She tried to lay in her new bed with her new pillows and new sheets, but she could not get comfortable. She would open her eyes and stare at the ceiling, her body remembering things she only wanted to forget. When she turned to her side, it did not matter if she were staring at the wall or the bathroom door, she still had memories.

Finally, around ten, she crawled out of the bed and took up residence in the kitchen with a case file and her computer. When her heater kicked on at two, though, she could no longer sit still, the warm air blowing from the vent feeling too much like his breath on her neck. She resorted to her more recent habit of sitting on the kitchen floor with a bottle of whiskey, curled up in the corner. Alex drank until she fell asleep sometime around five. When her alarm went off at six, she was cognizant just long enough to call in sick to work, citing the injury to her hand and pain medication as her reason, though the truth was that she did not want to see Abbie again so soon. Her head hurt, her hand hurt, and she had done the one thing Abbie had asked her not to do – drink.

Most of the morning, she spent curled at her kitchen table, her head out of it, though she did not fall back asleep once her alarm woke her up. She was just out of it, her movements jerky and slow and her brain not very with it. A phone call at eleven startled her, and she checked the number.

"Mom?" she said as she answered, her words sounding only slightly slurred which was a major progress.

"Alex, your father and I are in the city this afternoon. We were hoping you would like to come out for coffee?" Amelia said, her voice firm. Alex immediately recognized that it was not a question but a demand, and she acquiesced.

"I'm off work today, so you name the time, Mom," Alex murmured into the phone, her head throbbing.

"How about two, then? Unless you want to meet earlier for lunch? Your father and I are planning on eating at that little Italian cafe you brought us to. George, what's it called?"

Alex sighed. "Mario's, Mom," she answered knowing full well her father probably would neither know nor be paying that much attention. If he was driving, he would keep his attention on the road.

"That's right. Mario's. Since you're off today, why don't you come out to lunch? We'll be there in an hour. Your dad made reservations, but we can always add one more."

"Sure, Mom," Alex said, not really liking the idea, but the tone in her mother's voice was very clear. It was not an offer to be negotiated. Alex would be going to lunch. "I'll let you go. I need to get ready, anyway."

Groaning, Alex pushed herself away from the table and tossed the empty liquor bottle in the trash can. She stumbled slightly as she walked, but it was more a case of getting her sea legs back under her than her actually still being drunk. Early morning hours had been pretty bad, but she was at least moderately alright by the time she got out of the shower. Alex brushed her teeth and changed into a pair of slacks and a button down blouse. With the new hair cut, she found that doing her hair was even easier, and she was out of the door within forty five minutes.

It was a twenty minute walk to the cafe.

By the time Alex arrived, her parents were already seated, and her mother was sipping wine. Amelia caught Alex's eyes from the entrance and waved her over. Sighing, Alex decided that since she had been seen, there was no chance of backing out, and she walked over, sitting down beside her father.

"Hi, Mom, Dad," Alex murmured, leaning over and giving her father the customary half hug they always shared whenever they saw each other. Alex did not touch her mother. They were friendly but they had never been close, and Alex saw no reason to change a system that worked. That aside, Alex was still uncomfortable with what Peter had told Amelia. It was true that Alex did not know exactly what had been said, but knowing Peter and given the verbal cues from her mother, she could do more than speculate.

"Hey, baby girl," George Cabot intoned with a warm smile. "We've missed you. Are you planning on coming up for Thanksgiving?"

"Yes," Alex said. "Do you know who else is coming, yet?"

"Both of your uncles will be there," Amelia answered. "My aunt is coming over, and so are your grandparents. Henry's seeing someone, so she might be coming along, too. I think he said her name was Sarah. Bill's bringing Adam and Lucy. They're both slated for termination, so they won't be able to spend Thanksgiving with their parents." Bill was a foster parent in the state and had been since Alex was a child. Most of the kids in his custody did not stay more than a few months, either moving on to reunification or adoption, but Alex was sure that they were in good hands during the months they spent with him. A lot of the time, human services, when safe, arranged for parents or guardians to spend Thanksgiving with the children. Unless it was a case they knew would end in termination of parental rights or a case where the children were not safe with their custodians even for a day.

"How long has he had them?" Alex asked.

"Adam's been there about two weeks, and Lucy's been there for almost a year. Her's was a pretty tough case, I guess," Amelia explained.

"How old?" Alex asked.

Amelia pursed her lips. "I think Adam is eight weeks now and Lucy is ten."

"Eight weeks," Alex repeated, shaking her head. "What happened?"

"Social services got a call from the hospital. Adam was brought in with rectal bleeding. Turns out, he had a foreign object shoved up his rectum. Mom is going to sign her parental rights over to the state. Really, a sad case, but at least it was caught early." Amelia shook her head, clucking her tongue. Alex nodded in agreement, not wanting to consider what would have happened to the child if the abuse had been more long term. Six weeks of it was bad enough. "Lucy's a little easier, I think. Her parents just took off one day and left her at an after school program. It was a week before her parents contacted the school. A few months later, she was returned to their care, but they left her in a McDonald's play place after that. According to Bill, it's been an uphill battle. She's been returned to the parents a total of three times, and just abandoned shortly thereafter. I guess the parents say it's because they want to teach her to be a good child, but Bill can't find any behavioural faults in her unless you count being ten a problem."

Alex scoffed. "Some parents do," she murmured, shaking her head. "It'll be fun to have kids around this Thanksgiving, anyway." Alex picked at the napkin wrapping her silverware as she considered the sad situation of both children.

George pointed to Alex's hand. "What'd you do, kid?" he asked.

Pressing her lips together, Alex shrugged. "I slipped in the bathroom," she lied. "I hit my hand on the mirror when I went to steady myself."

"Ouch," Amelia said, sucking in her breath sharply. "How many stitches?"

"Twelve," Alex answered. "It was deeper than it was long, but it still spans my entire palm." Sheepishly, she shrugged, looking around the moderately crowded restarant. She was not exactly hungry, so she had no idea how to go about the whole having lunch business. Then again, she knew she needed to eat, so she figured she would plead oatmeal saying she was still feeling off from the medication the night before.

"Aly?" a familiar voice queried from nearby, and her head snapped to the voice, watching Peter as he stood by the table. Alex suddenly understood the fourth place setting. "I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'll go."

"No, stay," Amelia said, gesturing to the seat beside her. "You two need to be around each other."

"No," Alex said, her voice firm, her eyes dark. "One of us has to go." She reached over and picked up her bag, slinging it over her shoulder as she went. "I'll see you at Thanksgiving unless you're inviting Peter, in which case, I won't." Venom left her lips in her words as she walked out of the cafe, her father hot on her heels.

Outside the doors, George grabbed his daughter's arm, pulling her back to him. "Alex, what's going on?" he asked.

"I have a restraining order against Peter," Alex said. "He can't be within 500 feet, and he can't give you guys messages to pass on."

George nodded. "What happened?" he asked, knowing full well that evidence indicating danger or harrassment had to exist for a judge to grant a civil restraining order.

Balling her hands into fists, Alex pressed her lips together and stared into the street for several long seconds. "It's not important," she finally said. "I'm just going home."

"Wait, Alex, don't be mad at your mother for this. She's trying to be helpful. You and Peter seemed so happy and so in love. I know something bad had to happen for you to get a restraining order, but she didn't know."

"What did he tell you guys about why we split up?" Alex asked.

George pressed a hand lightly to Alex's shoulder blades, guiding her to a bench a few feet away. Alex sat beside her father, very careful to not touch him herself, though she would hardly complain if he showed her a little paternal comfort and attention. She badly needed someone to tell her it was going to be alright. Abbie tried, but she needed someone she could believe, and Abbie was still hurting from an attack almost ten years prior. "He told us that he was really sorry, that he did not know you were still a virgin. He said you two had had sex, and then you freaked out. He was asking us if we thought there was a way to make it up to you." He gave Alex a strange look. "To be honest, Aly, I thought you had lost your virginity in high school."

Alex shook her head. "No," she said. "And, I wouldn't have had sex with him that night except that he kept forcing the issue. At first, it was verbally, telling me he wasn't going to hurt me. But, when I kept saying no, he dropped me on the bed and climbed on top of me." She licked her lips, staring into space. It vaguely occurred to her that Peter walked out of the restaurant, looked right at her, and then left the area. She just kind of stared after him as if in shock all over again.

"Alex, you didn't to anything to lead him on, make him think that was what you wanted him to do?" George asked.

Alex looked at her father, horrified. "You mean did I kiss my boyfriend?" she asked. "Of course I did. Did I let him into my house? Yes. He had been there regularly. Did I let him touch my fully clothed body? Sure. I'm an adult woman. But, I also said no. I told him I did not want him to take my clothes off. I told him I didn't want him to touch my breasts or my genitalia. I told him that I did not want to have sex. I told him I did not want him to rape me."

"But, you didn't hit him or try to get away?" her father pressed.

Blinking, Alex stood up. "I can't believe you," she snapped. "I just told you my ex-boyfriend raped me, and you're trying to figure out how it's my fault?" She kept her voice low and controled, but the amount of rage in it was clear. "I've barely slept in two weeks. I've bought a brand new bed because the old one was dirty thanks to him. I can't even sleep in there because it's the same room. I'm looking at buying an entirely new place to live. I've scrubbed myself until I've bled. I have panic attacks. I have screaming fits in the middle of the night. I break down crying uncontrollably at the worst possible times. I spent the last two weeks terrified that I might be pregnant because when he raped me, he didn't use protection and because I wasn't planning on having sex, I wasn't on the pill. In two weeks, I have to go in and get tested for STDs and then again in five months. I have a judge and a coworker who want to see him prosecuted because of how he violated me. I had to use medication to treat lacerations in my vaginal and rectal walls because of him. I've endured phone calls and text messages from him asking me when he's going to be able to do it again. He has sent me photographs of his erect penis telling me how thinking about raping me turns him on. And, you have the nerve to ask me if any of this is my fault?"

Alex glared at her father as she spoke, not giving him the opportunity to interrupt or speak before she continued. "Let me make this perfectly clear. What he did to me is not my fault. He made the choice, not me. He chose to rape me. He chose to hurt me. He chose it. Him. It doesn't matter how long we dated or that I intended, one day, to have sex with him. It does not matter how many times we kissed or cuddled. It would not have even mattered if we had sex before then. All that matters is that that night, I said no and he did not stop." Alex pressed her lips together tightly as she shook her head. "I'm not, by the way. I'm not pregnant."

Still tense with anger, Alex left her father standing outside of the cafe and went to the only place she knew to go to work off that much rage.

"Alex, I thought you were out today," Clarissa said as Alex walked in to her office, tossing her purse on the couch.

"I started feeling better," Alex lied. "It's just the pain medication was messing with my head." She offered a friendly smile to her secretary. In reality, her hand was throbbing in pain, but she was using that to distract herself.

Clarissa nodded. "Well, your timing is excellent. Detective Benson just called. They have a suspect at the station who is asking to talk to you. She said they're hoping to get another suspect by plea bargaining him out."

"Okay," Alex said, grabbing her brown attache from the cabinet behind her desk. She kept a spare outfit, spare jacket, and the brown attache in there for when she forgot something at home or if something happened. "Thanks, Clarissa."

Quickly, Alex grabbed a handful of forms that she might need in a plea negotiation and tossed them in the attache as she dialed the detective's desk number from memory.

"Benson," Olivia said on the phone.

"It's Alex," Alex said. "I was out this morning, but I'm in now. Did you still want me to come down?"

"Yes," Olivia said, "we were just about to send him over to Riker's for booking, but we'll hold off if you can come in. We'd really like to nail the other guy, Alex. He's a slime ball."

"They all are," Alex murmured, still hot from her discussion with her father and still shaken from seeing Peter. "I'll be there in ten."

"Great. Thanks, counselor."

Alex hung up the phone, chewing at her lip. She glanced down at her hand which felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing her, and she swore she could feel every pull of the stitches. Still, it was better than nothing, she thought, in regards to the fact that the pain seemed to be displacing her anger a little more. She might not have been calming down, but she could hardly lose her temper if bolts of painful electricity kept skirting down her arm every time she flexed her fingers, and they were still burning from having made a fist earlier.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six.

CONTENT WARNING – Possible triggers for child abuse and sexual assault; Graphic sexual assault

"Man One, and I recommend that your client only does ten years, less good behaviour," Alex said as she crossed one leg over the other, leaning back in the chair in the interrogation room. She was watching the suspect, but speaking to the defense attorney. Olivia and Elliot flanked her, both watching the defendant should he make a move. Walking into the squad room, Alex had known that Elliot was just itching at a chance to hit the defendant, and Olivia was not too far behind. When they had explained that the man in interrogation was responsible for the death of a child, Alex found that she could not blame them. But, like them, she agreed that it was better to get the unknown perpetrator as well, the one who had kidnapped and raped the boy before brutally torturing and killing him in the basement of the current detainee's home.

"Man One?" the defense attorney repeated. "Alex, come on. Jeremy wasn't even in the house when the boy was killed."

"But, he knew what his partner was doing, and he failed to call the police," Alex said, pursing her lips.

"I would have been killed," the man argued. Jeremy Jennings, street name "JJ" for obvious reasons, was a small time drug runner for one of the many gangs working the streets of New York. He had never been picked up for much before and had managed to find himself entangled in his current mess because he had obtained a van and allowed the other party to stay in his basement once the other man had kidnapped the kid.

"You are an accessory to a heinous crime, Mister Jennings. They'll do a lot worse to you in prison if I charge you with Murder One, Sexual Enticement of a Child, Rape One of a Child, Kidnapping One, and Child Welfare Endangerment."

"I didn't do the kid," Jeremy yelled, smacking his fist on the table. Alex visibly tensed but, by some miracle, she did not jump.

"I can prove you're just as responsible for the child's rape as your partner, even if you never laid a finger on the boy," Alex said, each word heavily intoned. "You knew the boy was there. You helped to kidnap him. You helped to store him. It was your home in which he was imprisoned. You helped to give access to the boy. You knew about the rape, and you did nothing. That makes you just as guilty as the man who raped him. Even rapists and murderers don't like kiddie rapists, JJ. You're looking at spending the rest of your life with your hands tightly behind your back, assuming that the other inmates don't just outright kill you. And, the best part is, I already have your confession when you waived Miranda the first time. So -"

"Alright, Alex," the defense attorney said. "I think you've made your point. Ten minutes."

"Ten minutes, and then I need an answer, or the deal goes off the table," Alex said, her eyes hard as she looked at Jeremy. Standing, she exited the room with the two detectives.

"Think he'll take it?" Dan asked as he switched off the recording device.

Alex nodded. "He'll take it. He'd rather go down as a killer than a child rapist. I think he knows I'm not bluffing."

"That's good," Olivia said as she breathed a long sigh of relief. "I want to get this guy, Alex. I really do."

"Yea, well, the last thing I want to read about is another kid attacked in the same manner. This reads like a nightmare. I can't even begin to imagine the pain Ryan endured." Shaking her head, Alex crossed her arms as she stared through the one way into the interrogation room. She was thinking about Ryan who was dead, the ME already having released his body back to his greiving parents. She was also thinking about Adam, her uncle's foster son who had been tormented already at only two months old. "People who hurt kids make me sick."

"That makes all of us, counselor," the captain said as he tucked his hands into his pockets, rocking back on his feet. "I want a crack at the guy who did the planning, though. Will the evidence stick?"

"Unless you haven't told me something, I can get warrants from judges who hate me and would rather see me burn in hell," Alex said, the analogy not at all inaccurate and certainly descriptive of the strength of their case. There were, after all, a handful of judges that did not like her, often for the same reasons that other judges did like her. "All I need is a name."

"We've told you everything," Elliot said, his arms crossed tight over his chest. Alex had the feeling that he was struggling to keep his anger in on this one. Ryan Crossing was eight years old, and, if Alex remembered correctly, that put him at the same age as Elliot's twins, one of whom was a boy. She imagined that having children the unit had to be that much more difficult to work. How could a parent not see something bad happening to their child when they saw terrible things happen to other children on a daily basis? Alex decided there that for as long as she worked in the unit, she would not become a parent.

Alex nodded, watching Jennings through the window, lower lip caught between her teeth. For several seconds, she just stood there in silence. The case was pretty much open and shut. If they got a name, they could tie that to the DNA found inside the boy's rectum, and since it was a homicide, Alex did not have to worry about preparing a victim to testify. The majority of people she called would be professionals. It would remove a lot of the secondary trauma that witnesses and victims often experienced when they had to testify. It did not make it worth the homicide, but it made it easier for her when she really did not want to offer a plea bargain to the perpetrator.

A hand on her back made Alex jump, twisting as she swung out, almost catching Olivia's arm, her eyes wide, breath caught in her throat, preparing for a struggle. As soon as she realized it was Olivia, Alex relaxed, but for that split second, she had seemed to be in a different place.

"Whoa," Olivia said. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. It's been ten minutes."

Alex nodded, smoothing her hands over her slacks just a little. They still felt awkward, but she had wanted something that covered her more than the dresses and skirt suits she had been wearing. "Shall we?" she mused.

The detectives followed her back into the interrogation room. It was a feeling she had gotten accustomed to, but it always made her feel like she had her own body guards whenever she talked to defendants. It was useful because, already, she had been swiped at by a suspect. It was a lot different from the general felony docket, though she had no idea why. When non-violent petty offenses did more time behind bars than rape offenses, she had no idea why suspects of sexual assault and abuse behaved more like their life was over than other people. She supposed it might have been the stigma of the offense, though. Or, perhaps, it had to do with being found out.

"What did your client decide?" Alex asked as she sat down.

"I'll take the plea," Jeremy said.

Alex nodded. "You understand that the plea only is effective if you give me the right name. If it's not him, I'll prosecute you for the whole gambit of charges including Obstruction and False Reporting."

Jeremy nodded. "It's him. I swear it. They call him Rico on the street, but his real name is Tony Rodriguez."

"And, where can we find Mister Rodriguez?" Alex asked, jotting information down while still looking poised and icy.

"He works off Alphabet City, by the bakery you picked me up at. Mostly slinging small stuff, but he's always on the look out for a ride to jack to take to the shop." Alex's eye brows popped as if she were surprised, but, in reality, she was far from it. "If he ain't there, he's at the shop."

"Where's that?" Elliot asked, leaning on the table. Alex flicked her hand a little, a silent measure of telling the detective to not become too intimidating. She wanted him compliant.

"Corner of 13th and Broadway. It looks like an abandoned warehouse. You ain't gonna charge me with the kiddie rape, are you?"

"As long as what you say is true, Mister Jennings, I'll honor my end of the deal," Alex said, her words chosen carefully. She did not want to say he would not be charged because the question was too broad. If they discovered he was in on the assault of another child, she would be more than happy to charge him with that assault. She just needed to know, first.

Knowing he had been beat, the defense attorney nodded to his client. Alex stepped out to draft a quick arrest warrant and made a phone call over to Lena Petrovsky to secure a judge's signature. Alex emailed the warrant over to Lena who faxed it back, signed and ready to go. Other than that, Alex spent a good thirty minutes nitpicking over the vernacular of the plea deal with the other attorney in the interrogation room while Jennings cooled his heels in holding. It was a quick process, really, just time consuming as the lawyers did what they knew how to do best. In the end, though, they were both satisfied, and Alex ducked out to type up a warrant compelling DNA from Rodriguez.

For the remainder of the afternoon, Alex moved quickly through her paperwork and case files, drafting the necessary motions and reading defense responses or defense initiated motions to determine how to proceed. It was a very dry job, really, but she enjoyed it. In so many ways, she liked seeing the doors slam on bad people, and participating in that process was personally rewarding.

By the time she wound up home, she was physically and mentally exhausted. It hurt to move, and she just kind of slid down the back of her door and stayed there for several minutes. In truth, she probably would have stayed all night, but a knock on the door made her stand up. She was really starting to loathe interruptions.

Assuming it was either Daniel or Abbie, Alex opened the door, her mouth dropping open when she realized who was standing there. "How'd you get up here?" Alex asked, her voice shaking.

"Danny let me in," Peter answered.

Alex shook her head. "There's a restraining order in place, Peter. Please, leave, and I won't call the police."

"You're not going to call the police anyway, Alex," Peter sneered. From his tone and the slight slur to his voice, Alex could only assume he was drunk. "I talked to my lawyer. There's this thing called false reporting, and if you tell the police the lies you've told to everyone else, you can get charged."

"There's a restraining order, Peter," Alex said, her voice firm even though her stomach was doing sommersaults. "You're currently in violation of it. That's not false reporting."

Peter laughed. "Ah, about that restraining order and everything you've been telling people including your parents," he said. "It's a lie, Aly, which makes it slander, and when the judge drops the restraining order, you can bet I'm suing you."

"You raped me, Peter," Alex said, cautiously bending down to her bag, fully intending to call the police. "You held me down on the bed, and you raped me."

"I can't believe you told your father I raped you," he said, stepping forward suddenly. Alex fell to the ground, startled from her crouch, and crawled back as he continued forward until he slammed the door behind him. Pressed up against the couch, Alex clung to her phone, dialing 9-1-1. "Your dad believes me, though. He said you started working in the sex crimes area of your office, so I get it now, too. You see rape everywhere, but, Aly, you can't rape the willing. And, you were willing. I've been with a handful of women in my time, and no one has ever come that hard. You were like a goddamn fire hydrant."

Faintly, Alex heard the 9-1-1 operator answer the phone, and as Peter reached forward to swipe at her, Alex crawled back. "Help," she yelped. "My ex-boyfriend is attacking me. My name's Alexandra Cabot, I live at one nine-" Peter leaned over her and wrenched the phone from her hands, hanging up and throwing the phone away from the both of them.

"No, see, Alex," Peter sneered, "I figure if you want to be raped, if you want to tell everyone you've been raped, we'll see how you really like it."

Eyes wide, Alex scrambled away from him. He was between her and the door way out, but not between her and the kitchen door, and her first instinct was to go for a knife. She pulled one out of the drawer just as he was coming in to the kitchen, and she turned with the sharp object in her hand just as something came down over her head, and she lost consciousness.

She woke up a few seconds later to Peter dragging her body across the floor to the middle of the kitchen. "Pete?" she mewled.

He glanced down at her, and she realized he had something in his hand. It looked like a bottle of vodka, and he pressed it to his lips, taking a long gulp. As she noticed it, though, he brought it to her lips. "I noticed all the whiskey is gone," he snarled. "Five bottles in two weeks? My, you've been on quite the binge."

Alex refused to open her mouth, so he grabbed her face and forced her jaw open. Alex clawed at his arms to try and get him to let her go, but she quickly started coughing and sputtering as the burning liquid filled her mouth and had little place else to go.

"Swallow it, Aly," he said, lifting her up by her face until she was sitting, using his knee to hold herself up because if she just went limp, she swore it felt like her neck would break. Having no choice, Alex swallowed as she tried to gain enough leverage to spit the alcohol out. "Ah, ah, ah, all of it, Aly girl. That's it." He pulled the bottle from her lips, and she spat out the rest of the vodka in her mouth, her shirt soaked. Laughing, Peter emptied the rest of the bottle over Alex's head before he pushed her down and climbed atop her.

"No, Peter, please, get off," Alex said, squirming until she could get her hands between them. She tried to push him from her, but even drunk, he was much stronger than she was.

He grabbed her face with one hand and made her look at him. She tried to not meet his eyes, but he just shook her head, growling until she did. "I loved you, and this is the thanks I get? You're costing me everything, you whore. You want to be the victim? Fine. You can be the victim." He pulled her blouse off with both of his hands, popping several buttons in the process.

"No. Stop. Peter, stop it. I'm -" Alex hesitated, staring up at him in panic. "I'm on my period, Peter."

He shrugged. "I think we both know there's more than one place I can fuck you, and since you enjoy both so much, I really don't think it's gunna matter."

Alex shook her head. "But, I don't," she whispered. "Please, Peter, don't do this again. Please, Pete."

He slapped her. "You whore. You fucking cost me my goddamn job. You and your lies with that goddamn restraining order."

Alex opened her mouth to protest, but he just slapped her again. Grabbing her hair, Peter angled her head so that she was looking up at him. "You're a whore, Alexandra, and a liar, and when I'm done with you, no one is ever going to want you again."

Alex whimpered, her whole body tightening with fear. He reached down and tugged at her pants, unable to get the button undone as quickly as he wanted to. With a frustrated growl, he ripped her pants, pushing them over her hips. She struggled, pressing her body closer to the floor, the words 'please, no' a mantra on her lips. Finally, he grabbed her by the hips and yanked the fabric from her body at the same time he flipped her over.

"Get on all fours, bitch," he snapped, grabbing her hair again and pulling hard until she complied. "Good. Move, and I'll beat you until you wish you were dead, and then I'll fuck you anyway."

Alex dropped her head as the pressure from him pulling her hair was relieved. She had no doubt that he would have gone through with his threat. As far as she was concerned, she was not even familiar with the man tormenting her. She whimpered hearing him undo his pants, but she screamed when he penetrated her anus, the driness of flesh on flesh feeling like she was being torn open. She swore she could feel her skin tearing. Her arms buckled, and she dropped as he began to thrust, trembling as she tried to dig her nails into the tile floor.

At one point, he slowed just enough that she was able to get her arms under her and try to crawl away. He only laughed, grabbing her hips and pulling her against him. Reaching forward, Alex still clawed her way up the cabinets towards the counter top, eventually managing to cling to it as she tried everything in her power to pull away from Peter.

"I forgot," he panted behind her. "You like it this way, don't you? That's okay. It's better for me, this way, too." He laughed, the sound dying away to hard grunting. "I forget what it's like the first few times a girl is fucked. The shock and the cluelessness of it all. The first is always the best, though."

She felt relief shake through her as he pulled himself out of her, but she tensed against as she felt him up against her, jabbing at her vagina. "Peter, please, don't," she begged.

"I don't care about a little blood, Aly. It makes up for how dry you are this time," he murmured as he pulled her hips away from the cabinet, smashing her face into the door with his other hand. He held her face steady as he pushed himself hard into her. "You're almost as tight as you were two weeks ago, Alex. What's the matter? A whore like you can't find enough men to fawn over you now that you've been broken?"

It was not long before he ejaculated, pulling out of her once he had gone limp. "Oh, God. Even though you weren't coming like a whore, you're just as good a fuck the second time around as you were the first." Peter grabbed Alex's face and pulled her to him, kissing her softly before he dropped her back against the floor. She whimpered as she curled on the floor, watching him from her position as he cleaned himself of her blood, dropping the paper towels he used on her body.

Twitching, Alex looked up at him. He looked down before crouching over her with a smile. He pet her face softly. "You know, you'll always see me in every man you fuck from now on. You'll compare the way every man's dick feels inside of you to how I felt. And, when you come, you'll see me in the back of your mind. You never forget your first fuck or the first time you orgasmed during sex. You'll never forget me. I'm part of you forever." He smiled, tucking her hair behind her ear. "You can bet that I'll never forget you, either. You're a real beauty, Aly."

Alex wanted to reach up and hit him and scratch him and hurt him because he had hurt her, but she found that she could not do it. She barely had the strength to lift her hands let alone actually take a swing. Once he was gone, she just lay on the floor, numb. There was a ringing in her ears that said the blow to her head had probably caused some kind of damage.

She was still on the floor when the sun rose in the morning, bright and warm against her face. Her legs were caked with dried blood, some menstrual, some from the tears she could feel every time she breathed. They had been so close to being healed, but he had reopened them and made new ones with his violence against her.

From somewhere in the living room, her phone rang, but she had no energy to move to go to it. It rang several more times without Alex answering the call, and the sun had moved past the kitchen by the time a pounding on her door made her aware that someone in particular was probably trying to call. If she had to hazard a guess, Alex would say it was either Abbie calling because she had not shown up for work nor had she called in or it was the detectives for the same reason.

"Alex," she heard through the door as the pounding subsided. "Alex, it's Olivia and John. We're worried about you. You didn't come in to work. Abbie's with us. She's pretty worried. Can we come in?" Alex felt her heart fall to pieces, but she could barely move to try to cover herself up. She succeeded in rolling on her side and tucking her legs up, the pull against her skin making her wince as the dried blood acted like a glue between her and the tile. A throb pulsated over her body, and she knew she was dealing with more injuries than she had intitially thought.

After a few seconds, Alex heard the lock turn and the door open.

"Alex?" Abbie called out. The swinging door from the dining room to the kitchen kept Alex visually isolated until they pushed it open, so she did not respond, too consumed by fear – fear of him and fear of being found so dehumanized and helpless. "Alex, it's Abbie. Have you been drinking? Sweetie, please make a noise or something."

"Check the bedroom," she heard John say.

"She won't be in there," Abbie murmured, and Alex heard footsteps by the door. Part of her prayed that Abbie didn't open it. "It smells like rust and alcohol. God, Alex, what happened, what have you done?" Alex knew Abbie was worried about Alex getting drunk and hurting herself. They had already had that conversation.

"Abbie, what are you talking about?" Olivia asked, concern lacing her voice. "Do you think she would hurt herself?"

"I don't know," Abbie answered. "She's been under a lot of pressure lately."

"Abbie?" Alex finally mewled. "Abbie?"

"Wait," Abbie said. Slowly, Abbie pushed the door open to the kitchen, her eyes meeting Alex's before scanning her body quickly. "Oh, God. Call an ambulance. Get me a blanket."

"Abs," Alex mewled again, shaking as she started to cry.

"What happened, Alex?" Abbie asked. "What happened?" The Texan crouched beside Alex as Olivia stepped in, carrying a blanket. Abbie took it and gently wrapped it around Alex's body, her touch delicate but only making Alex cry harder. "There's alcohol in your hair." Abbie sniffed at her fingers as she drew them away from Alex's face. "Honey, what happened in here?"

"D-Daniel," she stammered. "Pete-Peter. Up. L-l-let."

"Daniel let Peter up?" Abbie asked. Alex nodded. "Fuck. That RO is still in place, right?" Again, Alex nodded. "I'm prosecuting him, Alex. This is twice he's hurt you, and he obviously has no respect for you or the law. I'm filing, personally. Where do you keep your copy?"

"Wallet," Alex said, her voice weak.

"Olivia, find Alex's wallet. Inside is a temporary restraining order she took out against a man named Peter. His last name and address should be on there. Send two units to pick him up for violation of a restraining order. I'll start adding more charges once I figure out what's been going on."

"You got it," Olivia said, disappearing from the kitchen, the door swinging shut behind her.

Abbie leaned close to Alex. "Alex, did Peter do this?" She touched her fingers to the side of Alex's head, coming away with dark blood, thick and sticky as if it were almost dry.

"Yes," Alex whispered, watching Abbie's fingers carefully.

Abbie nodded. "Tell them to hold him on first degree assault. I may or may not amend that to attempted murder. Whatever the case, that bastard doesn't walk out of the precinct today."

"Gotcha," John called. "We found a restraining order against Peter Feldman. Is that him?"

Alex nodded faintly, and Abbie called the affirmative. "Alex, I know you're on your period, too, but did he rape you?" Again, Alex nodded, a fresh wave of tears spilling over her. "I'm so sorry, Alex. Help is on the way."

Olivia ducked back in. "Alex, the medics are almost here. You're going to be okay. Can you tell me anything he touched? I want CSU to get in here and collect evidence as soon as possible." Alex shook her head, looking up at Abbie with shame and hurt in her eyes. Apparently, Olivia saw. "Alex, you have nothing to be ashamed about, but this guy hurt you. I want to put him where he belongs."

"Those papertowels and the vodka bottle," Abbie said. "And, the knife on the floor and probably the pan on the stove. Alex, were you cooking last night?" Alex shook her head. "Definitely the pan on the stove."

Olivia picked up the papertowels that were bloody and set them on the counter so that the EMTs did not trample those and ruin evidence. Everything else, she left for pictures to be taken before they were moved. "Alex, did he rape you?"

Alex stayed mute, though her eyes closed. After a few seconds, she shook her head.

"It seems pretty sexual to me," Olivia tried. "Your shirt is torn up, your pants are ripped, your bra and underwear are off, there's blood between your legs. And, the restraining order cites sexual assault and battery as the reason you asked for it. Alex, everything right now screams sexual assault. If he raped you, tell me so that Abbie can put him away on it."

Blinking back tears, Alex finally nodded. "He raped me," she whispered. "I – I – I tried to tell – tell him that I was o-on my period, but that didn't s-st-stop him." Alex pressed her hands over her face, humiliated.

Abbie picked up Alex's injured hand and examined the bandage, effectively distracting Alex with a small press on intentional pain. She barely pressed, though, and the blood welled up as though it had been simmering ust below the bandage, bubbling for a while, wating for the chance to soak through the bandage. "Oh, Alex, you ripped a stitch." Abbie frowned and rubbed her hand again around the wound. "We'll get the doctors to restitch it. No big deal."

Two EMTs rushed in through the door, and Abbie let go of Alex's hand. "I'm still here, Alex," Abbie reassured Alex as she whimpered. "I'm not going anywhere, okay? You're not alone."

"Bring the backboard in," one of the EMTs shouted, and another EMT came through the door.

"No," Alex panicked. "No, please."

"Wait," Olivia said. "Do you have to put her on the backboard?"

"She's got a head injury. Unless we know her spine -"  
"She's had the injury for several hours and has been alright, but she was also raped. I don't think strapping her to a backboard is going to get you a lot of compliance at this juncture. If she has a spinal injury and she fights you, it'll just make it worse. Can you run without?"

The medics looked a little nervous, but one of them nodded. "Sure. Alex, can you stand up?"

Alex shook her head. "I tried," she said. "My legs-"

"Can you move your legs?"

Alex wiggled her feet to prove that she could. "I just -" She moved her knees closer to her chest and cried out in pain.

"Okay, don't move. Where did that hurt?" one medic said as he crouched over her, moving the blanket off her midriff exposing a spattering of what was already turning into dark purple bruises. Alex gestured to one particular bruise where her stomach met her pelvic region, and the medic nodded. "You might have internal bleeding, Alex. It's going to hurt, but if you don't want to be backboarded, we need you to stand. We can help you, though."

Alex nodded, staring beyond him to the other prosecutor in the room. Abbie was watching with sad, quiet eyes, and in the moment that her eyes caught Alex's, she stepped forward. "Can Olivia and I help her up?" she asked, gesturing to the other female in the room.

"Sure," the medic said, clearly understanding of the sensitive situation Alex had found herself in. "Is that okay, Alex?"

Alex nodded and Olivia and Abbie moved to help her get her feet under her. As she stood, she placed most of her weight against the two women helping her. Her legs felt numb and jelly like, and she had a hard time keeping her feet under her.

"Okay, Alex, take a step backwards," Abbie instructed, and Alex shuffled her feet back, her teeth ground together, fingers wrapped in the fabric of Abbie's and Olivia's shirts. Carefully, the two darker skinned women helped Alex to sit on the gurney before Olivia bent and lifted Alex's legs.

"There you go," Olivia murmured, tucking the blanket around Alex again. "Alex, can I ride with you to the hospital?"

Alex nodded. "I don't want to be alone," she murmured. Though she would not meet Olivia's eyes, she would also not let go of her hand.

"I won't leave you unless you tell me to go, okay, Alex? When was the incident in the restraining order?" Olivia asked as she hopped into the back of the ambulance and sat in the seat by Alex's head.

Alex licked her lips. "Two – two weeks ago," she said, "the day before -" She hugged her arms, shuddering. "The day before I started with SVU."

Olivia pressed her lips together to keep her mouth from hanging open. "Is that why you didn't file a report?" Olivia asked. Alex nodded. "Let me take the report now. Your apartment is in the 5th, but if you want, we can take the report."

"I don't want to press criminal charges," Alex murmured. "I was going to drop the restraining order at the hearing. I had no idea it would cost him his job. He was just angry because I got him fired. He was a stock broker, a damn good one."

"I saw his address," Olivia said. Alex shivered.

"Can I put a blood pressure cuff on you, Alex?" the medic in the bus asked. Alex nodded, holding out her arm. It tightened around her arm, and she flinched.

"It's okay, Alex," Olivia murmured, giving Alex's hand a squeeze. "I'm still here." Biting her lower lip, Alex blinked back tears. "Can you tell me what happened this time?"

"You know, I never really wanted to be on this side of a victim interview," Alex said, trying to smile but failing miserably. She wrapped an arm across her chest, squeezing her own shoulder, digging her nails in. Jumping, she released her own arm, holding her hands out in front of her. "I clawed at him. I think I got skin."

"Okay," Olivia said, "that's good. We'll collect what's under your nails at the hospital. Walk me through what happened, though, okay? Did he rape you today or yesterday?"

"Last night," Alex said, blinking as though she were coming out of a trance. "I got home from work, and I was sitting on the floor. He knocked, and I opened the door thinking it was Daniel. I didn't even check. Peter was standing there, and he was drunk. He called me a liar. I just kind of froze. I told him that there was a restraining order and that he was in violation. I called 9-1-1, but before I could give them my address, he snatched the phone out of my hands. I ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife, and he hit me over the head with something. The next thing I knew, he was dragging me across the kitchen, yelling about how if I wanted to be a rape victim, he would rape me."

Shaking, Alex started crying, her face tight and teeth gritted as she whined. "Olivia," she whimpered. "Oh, God. Why?" As the medics unloaded her from the back of the ambulance and wheeled her into a room in the emergency department, Alex hung her head and cried, her hands still out in front of her.

"Alex, we need to move you over to the bed," a nurse said in the hospital as the medics talked to the doctor and Olivia tried to get Alex's attention.

"Don't touch me," Alex yelled as someone tapped her arm. She swung out before recoiling, her hands over her head. "Oh, God. Oh, won't he leave me alone?"

"Alex, Alex, look at me," Olivia said. Alex could feel her close, as she looked up, just enough that Olivia would know she was paying attention. "Okay, we need to move you over to the other bed, okay? I need to collect the sheets from the gurney and the blanket for evidence. Okay?" Alex nodded. "Okay. Let's get you moved over. Okay? We want to preserve the evidence, right?" Again, Alex nodded. "We want to nail this guy. Abbie wants to prosecute him. I really want to arrest him. We're going to do this by the books so even you couldn't find a hole in prosecution, Alex. First and foremost, we want to take care of you."

Again, Alex nodded. "Yea," Alex whispered, blinking. "Help me?"

"Sure, Alex," Olivia said. "Can a nurse help you, too? You're pretty badly injured, and if it's just me moving you, I'm worried about hurting you more."

"Thank you," Alex whispered as Olivia leaned over the bed. Alex wrapped an arm around Olivia's neck, and the detective held Alex by her torso and just under her thighs. With the nurse on the other side of the prosecutor, they lifted her up onto the bed, a large pad under her body to catch evidence as it fell. Olivia gave Alex a heartbroken look. It was difficult to see strangers as victims, but to see her friend and coworker as a victim was that much more heart wrenching. Alex yelped as Olivia set her down. "It hurts."

"I know, Alex. I'm so sorry." Olivia licked her lips, pressing them together. "We got him on rape. We'll get through your medical exam, and while the nurse is doing the rape kit, do you think you can tell me what happened after you woke up in the kitchen?"

"Okay," she murmured, nodding. "Yea."

"Alex, I'm Doctor Bradford," the woman in front of her said as Olivia stepped back, still holding Alex's hand. "I'm going to give you a medical exam, alright? The medics said you had some bruising on your stomach and torso. Can I see?"

Nodding, Alex moved the blanket from her body so that the doctor could see the marks. "It hurts to breathe," Alex said.

"Alright," the doctor said. "You're pretty bruised up. Was all of this from the attack?" Alex nodded. "I'm going to press on your stomach. You tell me how much it hurts." Again, Alex nodded, her hands covering her breasts as she stretched herself out. She felt tears well in her eyes as Olivia respectfully looked to the side, her eyes fixed on the wall.

As the doctor pressed into her stomach, Alex let out a range of whimpers and yelps until the doctor pushed on her lower abdomen. Alex recoiled violently, a half scream, half cry sounding helplessly from her lips. The sound of pain even made Olivia flinch as Alex's hand tightened around hers.

"Alex, are you pregnant?"

Alex shook her head. "No. I was tested this weekend, it's negative. Plus, I'm on my period."

Turning to a nurse, the doctor barked, "I need an ultra sound, now. Put the OR on standby for possible internal bleeding. By the time I confirm it, I want them ready to go."

"Yes, ma'am," the nurse said, ducking out to make the necessary phone call and retreive the ultra sound equipment.

"What is it?" Olivia asked, her brow knit.

"The bruise to her pelvic area is darker purple than it should be if the injuries occurred within the last twenty four hours. It suggests a heavy, constant blood flow. Plus, her blood pressure is eighty over sixty. It probably spiked when the trauma occurred, but it's dropped now because her heart might not have enough blood to be pumping through her system. Do you hear how she's slurring her words? Her skin is clammy and cool. Some of that blood may be menstrual, but not all of it. If she's bleeding as badly as I think she is, another hour, and she'll be dead. I'm surprised she's still conscious and coherent. Most people would be neither. I'm guessing every sound has spiked her adrenaline since the attack. It's probably the only reason she's alive."

"Alex," Abbie exclaimed, pushing through the doors. "Alex."

"Abbie," Alex mewled. "I'm sorry. I should have listened. I should have stayed."

"No, Alex. No, no. This isn't your fault. You have every right to be in your own home and expect to be safe. He takes full responsibility for this, you hold no burden, Alex." Abbie moved beside Alex, and the younger attorney slipped her hand from the detective's, taking residence with Abbie's hand, seeking the security she felt with her familiar friend. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Okay? We're going to get him. We'll take him off the street, and he won't be able to hurt you. I'm charging him with attempted murder and rape one, Alex."

Alex chewed at her lip, shifting in her seat as much as she could considering her minimal mobilization. She nodded, her eye lids drooping. "Imtie-" she murmured, drifting off.

"You're safe, Alex," Abbie whispered as staff around her moved like a whirlwind. Olivia stood back a little ways, watching both attorneys, Alex's hand sandwiched between both of Abbie's hands.

When Alex woke back up, she was groggy, her mouth dry and her body entirely numb. "Hey," Abbie whispered. "You're up."

"Hi," she said, her voice hoarse.

"Don't talk too much," Abbie said, rubbing Alex's hand. "They said the breathing tube might have caused some tension in your vocal chords. When the nurse comes in, we can ask for water." She smiled softly. "How are you feeling?"

"Confused," Alex admitted. "I feel like crying. What happened?"

"What do you remember?" Abbie asked.

Licking her lips, Alex shook her head. "Peter. He was behind me, inside me. The countertop was in my face." Alex closed her eyes against the memory. "After that, it's fuzzy. It's like I remember the sun and not being able to move. I remember – I remember it got really hot and then really, really cold. You were there, and Olivia. Olivia – Olivia picked me up. What happened?"

"Do you remember if you passed out at all or if Peter was hitting or kicking you?"

"I was unconscious. He hit me over the head. I woke up on the floor. I was so afraid, Abs." Alex looked away from Abbie, staring at the wall. "What happened?"

Abbie rubbed her thumb up and down Alex's fingers. "Blunt force trauma to your abdomen caused internal bleeding. Your spleen was ruptured, and there was a tear in your uterus from a fracture of your pelivc bone. I guess they removed some pieces of bone floating around. The surgeon removed your spleen and sutured your uterus. They stitched your hand back up, too. That's three times in a week, Alex. Three times a doctor has told me you've almost died. You've almost drank yourself to death, gone into shock, and then been beaten to death. What he did to you isn't your fault, Alex, but you are the one paying the consequences. And, they are real, tangible consequences, Alex. Please, reconsider my offer."

Alex shook her head. "It's going to look odd if the victim is living with the prosecutor," she murmured. "How long have I been out?"

"A little over a day. The detectives picked Peter up this morning. He was out on a binge drink. He was arrested for a drunk and disorderly in Jersey. They were more than happy to ship him over to us for this. Their DA is willing to drop their misdemeanor as part of a plea deal if I offer him one."

"Okay," Alex murmured. "I don't want to talk about this right now."

"Okay," Abbie agreed.

"When can I take a shower?"

Abbie frowned. "I don't know. Are you okay if I go let everyone know you're awake? I'll ask a nurse to come in, too."

Pressing her lips, Alex nodded her head. "Who's here?"

"The whole gang," Abbie answered. "Benson hasn't left since you lost consciousness in the ER. Cragen came in shortly after. He's been glued to the waiting room. Munch, Tutuola, and Stabler have been taking shifts, and by that, I mean, they're only leaving for new calls. And, even then, that's under duress. They'd all be in here, but I wasn't sure if you would be overwhelmed."

"Why did you stay in here?" Alex blurted without thinking.

Abbie shrugged. "I guess I thought you would appreciate a woman and a familiar one. You let go of Olivia's hand for mine in the ER room, do you remember?" Alex nodded. "Olivia said I should wait."

"I'm sorry," Alex mumbled. "You shouldn't have to."

"I don't have to," Abbie said, her voice firm but gentle. "I want to. Let me go get that nurse. Do you want any of the detectives to come back here?" Abbie bit the inside of her lip, her brow furrowed.

For a moment, Alex paused, but she eventually shook her head. "No. I barely know them, and I don't want their looks of pity. I hate that."

"Okay," Abbie said, squeezing Alex's shoulder as she stood. "I'll be right back."

Alex watched her walk out of the room, leaving her in silence. Suddenly, though, even the silence seemed loud. She could hear the beeping from the machine monitoring her heart rate and the gentle hum of the oxygen in her nose. From outside of her room, she swore she heard the footsteps of nurses as they walked the corridors. The low conversations seemed impossibly loud. She screamed as the air conditioning kicked on. As she laid back on the bed, her body screaming in pain, she cried. The sobs only brought more pain, and her heart monitor flew off the radar. Gasping and screaming with pain, Alex writhed on the bed, kicking at the sheets.

"No, no, no," she yelped. "Stop. Stop." She tremored violently, twisting in the bed as she bit down on the pillow, she flexed her fingers into fists as she squirmed. "Stop."

There was a warmth that coursed through her body, and she suddenly felt limp and gone. After a few seconds, her body went slack, and she was aware of people turning her back onto her back. There was no way she could fight it even though she did not want any one's hands on her body. She tried to speak, but it came out as more of an incoherent slur. "Mmm, mm," she murmured.

"Oh, no. What happened?" Abbie asked as she stepped back into the room.

"She had a panick attack," one of the nurses answered. "We gave her Ativan. If she opens her stitches on that gut wound, she's gonna be in a lot more pain than she is now."

Carefully, Abbie squeezed beteween two staff members and picked up Alex's hand, curling their fingers together. "I've got you, Alex. I've got you." Alex hummed, her fingers wiggling, though she could not make them squeeze Abbie's fingers. "The gang says hi. They're out there now. They were really glad to hear you're awake." Alex stared up at Abbie, blinking the long slow blinks of someone who was not really all there. "Oh, Alex." Abbie offered a soft smile. "You know, you look so innocent when you're drugged. Those frown lines go away, and that tension just kind of rolls away from your face. You look just like you walked in from Harvard, thinking you had all this experience and knowledge because you shadowed your uncle and you graduated top three percent. The look you gave me your first violent case when you walked out of the court room – you were so shaken. I didn't think you could be so pale, but there you were, whiter than a ghost. I thought you were going to pass out, and it wasn't even that graphic of a crime. Do you remember?"

Slowly, forcefully, Alex nodded.

"You know what I think, Alex?" Abbie murmured as she stroked her thumb along Alex's cheek. "I think, in so many ways, you're still just as innocent. You act like this big bad prosecutor because you have all these wonderful ambitions, but you're still surprised by the hurt the world procurs. Despite your cynicism, I think you want to see the good in the world. And, I hope to God you always see the good. Don't lose that, Cabot."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven.

"You really don't have to let me stay," Alex said as Abbie closed the door behind them, wheeling Alex's suitcase to the couch. "I should stay in my home."

"No," Abbie said. "He may be on remand, so he can't hurt you, but you can still hurt you. And, you need help taking care of those stitches. I can help with that. Plus, you're going to be dealing with a lot, and not just physically healing. You slept here. You didn't sleep at your home. If nothing else, someone is here when you wake up screaming."

Alex forced a smile. "Thank you, Abbie," she murmured. "I'll pay you back, cover some bills. Whatever."

"No," Abbie said again, "you won't. You will take care of your needs and your needs only. Now, you've been told you need to rest the vast majority of each day, up and down for trips to the doctor and bathroom only. I suggest you either curl up on the couch or in the bed." Abbie gave Alex a stern look. "Or, do I need to get a court order, counselor?"

For a moment, Alex genuinely laughed. "Alright, alright. I'll comply," she murmured. She was still a little stiff when she walked, and she half hobbled and half limped over to the couch where Abbie helped her to sit down and swing her legs up onto the cushions.

As Alex leaned over to take off her shoes, Abbie swatted softly at the back of her hand. "No. The doctor said you couldn't bend that much. Not until the stitches heal." Carefully, Abbie unlaced and removed Alex's shoes, setting them beside the door. "Doc said to take your antibiotics and anti-inflammatories when you got home. Do you want a pain pill?" Alex shook her head. "Don't bother being brave around me, Cabot."

After a few seconds, Alex noded. "Okay," she murmured, "because it feels like I'm being torn open from the inside."

"You have to eat something, too, Alex," Abbie advised. "Want me to make you some toast?"

"Not really," Alex murmured. "I'm not hungry."

Abbie shook her head. "I'm making you a protein shake, then. You still need nutrients, and I will be giving them to you some how." Abbie grabbed a blanket from a nearby closet and draped it over Alex, crouching down so she was eye level. "Hey, remember, I've seen you scream and cry. I've seen you hurt. And, I've seen you survive. You have nothing to prove to me. There's no need to put on this face, okay?" Abbie gently stroked Alex's cheek as the blond blinked rapidly, holding back her tears. "It's okay to cry."

"I don't want to keep crying," Alex whispered. "If I keep crying, then it means it's all still real."

"It is real, Alex. No amount of pretending is going to change that," Abbie advised, pushing a tear away with her thumb. "What he said to you, Alex, it's not true. He didn't break you. He didn't ruin you. He didn't make you undesireable to others. From where I'm sitting, Alex, you're still beautiful and perfect. You are hurting, though, and it's human nature to cry when you hurt. It's okay to cry, Alex. I won't tell anyone outside this apartment. I promise."

Pressing her lips together, Alex nodded. She sat up, scooting over. "Sit with me?" Alex whispered.

"Of course, Alex, anything you need." Abbie sat beside Alex, letting Alex determine how close she wanted to be. It was Alex who scooted over, coiling into Abbie's body. Within seconds, she was sobbing, clutching her hands over Abbie's shirt. "Shh, Alex. Shh, I've got you." Abbie wrapped her arms around the other woman and held her, combing her fingers through her hair. "There you go, Alex."

"Why me?" Alex asked. "I mean, why spend two years dating me and pretending to be sweet and kind and perfect if he just wanted violence?"

"I don't know if we'll be able to answer that, Alex," Abbie answered. "He got angry. He lost control."

"I rejected him. He wanted to have sex, and I rejected him. It made him angry. He kept telling me he didn't want to hurt me, but the violence only increased the more I kept telling him that I did not want him to touch me."

"No, Alex. Don't you dare walk that route. This is not your fault. You have a right to reject any and all sexual advances made against you, or just some, or none. But just because you reject someone does not give them the right to take what they want by force."

"Save me your speech. I've given it. I've heard it."

"And, you clearly need to hear it again because you still don't believe it. You can self blame and hate yourself all you want, Alex, but when I hear you say it or even think you're thinking it, I'm going to remind you that it's not your fault. He's the monster. He's the twisted one. Not you." Abbie rubbed Alex's arm, Alex still coiled tightly into her.

Alex played with Abbie's shirt. "Abbie, you can't bring up the previous rape," she whispered. "I don't want the detectives to know about the details."

"Alex, there's nothing wrong with what happened. It's not unheard of to experience arousal or even orgasm during an assault. It's a physiological response that you're no more in control of than breathing."

Alex shook her head. "I can hold my breath. I couldn't stop what he did to me, what he made my body do. The last thing I need to is to be labeled as a crusader because I lost control. It's one thing to be a victim in my own field, Abbie. We understand, as a society, that sexual assault happens. We may be loathe to admit it, but we know it happens. Society doesn't believe that if people orgasm, it's still rape. Orgasm is akin to consent. Even I'm struggling with this, Abs, and I'm the prosecutor who is submerged in this field. I know it was rape, but I don't know why I responded. How can I excpect anyone else to understand?"

"I'm taking tomorrow off to prep your case. Nora's already approved it. No one but you and me and Olivia know where you're staying, so that's not going to be an issue. Peter can't harass you here, and his attorney doesn't know. Neither does Nora. I told her we were meeting for coffee, but I'm hoping you'll endulge me and go to the clinc with me."

"Clinic?" Alex asked, her brow furrowed. "Oh, God. Do I need testing?"

"No. No," Abbie said. "They did an STD test on Peter at the prison. He's negative for everything. You're clean."

Alex exhaled slowly. "Oh, thank God. I didn't know if I could wait another week to test."

"I want to take you to the clinic to talk to a friend of mine. She's a doctor, but her first degree is in human physiology. I want you to talk to her specifically about that aspect of what happened that night and then let her explain to you about human reaction. Please? Consider it a personal favour, Alex."

Shaking her head, Alex leaned away from Abbie. "I don't think I can."

"Please, Alex. You said you didn't want the detectives to know the details, but your argument was that the public shouldn't know. You're more concerned about the detectives knowing about it. Why?"

Alex tightened into a small ball, whimpering as she did so.

"Okay," Abbie murmured. "Okay. Lay out, Alex. You're going to tear a stitch in that position. Lay down. Let me get you some tea and your pills."

Alex nodded. She stretched out slowly, her arms still wrapped around her as she lay down. Abbie put the blanket over her again, tucking Alex in gently.

A few minutes later, Abbie returned with a handful of pills. Alex sat up enough to take them and drink some tea before she laid beack down, her hands tucked under her head. "Talk to me," Alex said, her voice soft. "About anything. I just can't deal with the silence."

Abbie nodded. "This is the last case I'll prosecute for the DA," Abbie said. Alex furrowed her brow. "I took a job offer from the feds to prosecute federally under the condition that I could still see your case through. They called me yesterday. In two weeks, I'm officially a federal prosecutor, but Nora already deputized me to prosecute your case."

"Congratulations," Alex said with a broad smile. "I know that's been the direction you've wanted for a while. I had no idea you'd division?"

"I'll be staying in New York, mostly working white collar cases. It'll be an interesting transition." Abbie smiled. "Are you okay with this being my last case?"

"I appreciate it," Alex said. "It means a lot to me that it's not being passed to someone else in the DA's office."

"Do you want the 5th to investigate?" Abbie asked.

After a few moments, Alex shrugged. "I mean, Olivia's already seen me naked. She knows now that he raped me twice. Munch saw the crime scene. Fin and Elliot probably saw pictures. Cragen knows. Even if I ask for another set of detectives, these ones already know. If they're going to judge me or pity me, Abbie, they already do."

"They don't pity you or judge you, Alex," Abbie said. She sat beside Alex's knees, petting Alex's calf with her thumb. "I'll tell you what, Alex, we'll hit up the clinic tomorrow and then go to lunch and maybe go see a movie?"

Alex laughed. "I don't go see movies," she laughed.

"Well, what do you do? I'm driving blind here, Cabot, help me out." Abbie gave Alex a soft smile, and Alex looked up at Abbie with sleepy eyes. "What would you do if it weren't a weekday?"

Biting her lip, Alex considered Abbie's offer. Despite the fact that they had gotten their nails done barely forty eight hours before Alex was attacked, they were shredded from her clawing at the floor and the counter. The stay at the hospital had not helped, either. She held her hands out, and Abbie took her fingers, critically examining her nails. "What do you think?"

"Looks like we could go for another manicure," Abbie murmured. "How long is Lewin kicking you out of the office?"

"Until I can walk without looking like a cripple," Alex said with a frown. "Unless the detectives arrest someone, I'm allowed to work from home. Clarissa already agreed to email me everything. Do you know who's handling everything on the case?"

"Just me and Nora, Alex," Abbie answered. "She wanted to keep this out of the media circus for as long as humanly possible. You know once those blood hounds get wind that a sex crimes prosecutor is a victim of rape, they'll be all over it, especially considering your status and your political connections. Plus, the more people that we make aware of it, the more accusations are going to fly against you making this a political stunt."

"He raped me and left me to die on the kitchen floor of my apartment, Abs. How can that be a political stunt?" Alex asked, withdrawing her hands from Abbie's and curling them to her chest.

"People talk, Alex. That's all. You and I both know that. It doesn't make it true, but I want to protect you for as long as possible in this, okay?"

Alex nodded. "Yeah, okay. I appreciate it."

"So, nails will only take about an hour, maybe two depending on how fancy you want to go. You okay coming back here after? You do need your rest."

"I don't want to be in any apartment if I don't have to be," Alex murmured.

"Understandable. How about we play it by ear? If you're exhausted or hurting, we'll come back. If you're still doing okay, we'll go sit in the park or something equally as not active." Abbie smiled softly. "You don't need to keep up your rough exterior around me, Alex. I know better, and I'm not judging or pitying."

"I know," Alex murmured, but she turned her head as she spoke, and Abbie pressed her lips together. It was clear that Alex was having a difficult time in trusting. While she had allowed Abbie to help her and to take care of her, it was clear that she still did not totally have confidence that people would not judge her. Abbie suspected that her knowledge of the first assault was more than sufficient for Alex to be nervous around her or believe that Abbie might judge her. It was only natural, and Abbie could find no fault in Alex for it.

Licking her lips, Abbie stood up, but Alex's hand caught her wrist, pulling her closer. "Please don't go," she said. "I'm don't mean to be cruel. I'm sorry."

"You're not being cruel, Alex. You're being honest. And, you're being critical of yourself. I can't blame you for thinking other people are being just as critical of you. It's human nature, Alex. I'll sit with you for as long as you want me to."

"Thank you," Alex said. Abbie gently brushed her short locks from her face. "I can't tell you how appreciative I am to have had your support these past few weeks. I guess I never expected to feel so – so vulnerable."

Abbie only smiled, continuing to curl Alex's hair behind her ear until the soothing motion had Alex's eyes fluttering to the response of a combination of pain medication and knowledge that she was safe and secure in a place with a woman who would not hurt her but who had, indeed, gone out of her way to ensure Alex's safety.

"Alex," Abbie whispered, shaking Alex softly. "Alex, wake up. You're having a nightmare." Gasping, Alex shot up, her hands out in front of her as she clutched for reality. "Shh, shh, shh. You're safe. You were having a nightmare."

Pressing her hands over her chest, Alex focused on her breathing for several seconds before she looked to Abbie. "It felt real, like it was happening all over again," she breathed, shaking.

"Can I hug you?" Abbie asked.

Alex nodded, wrapping her arms around the other woman. "I could feel him in me again, like he was here. It felt like I was being torn." Alex clutched her fingers around Abbie's night shirt.

"He won't get you again, Alex," Abbie murmured. "You're here. He's in prison. He can't get you." Abbie rubbed Alex's back, holding her until the shaking and sobbing subsided. Alex rested her cheek against Abbie's chest as the Texan continued to hold her. "Let's get you into a proper bed, Alex, before you hurt yourself on this little couch."

Nodding, Alex let Abbie help her to stand and walk to the guest bedroom. "Stay?" Alex asked. "At least until I fall back asleep? I don't want to be alone."

"Sure," Abbie murmured, pulling back the covers so Alex could crawl in. Abbie lay down on top of the covers between Alex and the door, as if protecting her from intruders. Hesitantly, she rested a hand on Alex's arm. "Is this okay?"

"Yea," Alex murmured, her own hand covering Abbie's. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I can't stop crying."

"It's okay," Abbie said. "It's normal."

Alex nodded, cuddling closer to Abbie, the fingers of her hand holding on to Abbie's shirt, the other hand remained over Abbie's hand on her arm. She pressed her face down into the pillow, whimpering. "Thank you for letting me stay with you."

"Of course, Alex. That's what friends are for. Take a few deep breaths, close your eyes, and try to sleep. I'll be here if you need something." Abbie stroked Alex's hair until she fell asleep, her fingers twisted, one hand on Abbie's shirt and the other hand clinging to the bed sheet.

Carefully, Abbie pried Alex's fingers off her and slipped out of the bed. She tucked Alex in and went to her own room, though it was some time before she slept as she listened to Alex whine and yelp in her sleep, but the other woman never did cry out or seem to wake up, and Abbie did not want to wake her by going back into her room.

It was a little while later that Abbie woke to a thud in Alex's room. Tossing back her sheets, she ran into the guest bedroom to find Alex tangled in the sheets, her eyes closed as she tried valiantly but failed to rid herself of the invading cloth.

"Alex," Abbie murmured, crouching beside her. "Alex, wake up." Abbie reached out, touching Alex's arm. The blond jumped, screaming as her eyes opened, and she began screaming unstoppably. "Alex? Alex? Are you awake? Focus on me. Look at me."

After several seconds, Alex lay back down, her eyes closed, no longer flighting the blankets or screaming. Silence overwhelmed the apartment, and Abbie sighed. She curled on the floor beside Alex, pulling an edge of the blanket over her. "I've got you, Cabot."

Abbie stayed with Alex until the morning when Alex woke up, the sun too warm on her face. Rubbing her face, she rolled over, right into the other attorney who was still asleep, one arm carelessly draped over Alex's body. Without wiggling or moving, Alex watched Abbie sleep for a while, the Texan falling into that vulnerable state that Alex had seen her in before while sleeping. Carefully, Alex reached out, her finger tips just touching Abbie's lips. She felt the other woman's breath warm on her skin, and she found it strange that the ingrained thought in her head was of safety. As she continued to rub her finger along Abbie's bottom lip, the carnal monster that she had met with and contended with in the past three weeks settled. All of the rage and fear and grief she had felt, that she had lost control of, felt like it quieted. The roar of the beast became a low rumble, and she was so fascinated by the sensation of quiet and control over the thoughts in her own head that she did not notice when Abbie opened her eyes, the Texan watching the native New Yorker with interest.

When she did notice, she started, withdrawing her hand and coiling it against her chest. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Why?" Abbie asked. "You looked calmer than I've seen you in days. What do you need most, Alex? Right now."

For several minutes, Alex remained quiet, her hands tucked tightly to her chest. Abbie reached out and gently pried Alex's fingers from their clenched state. Alex wrapped her fingers around Abbie's when the other attorney would not let her grip anything else. Finally, Alex relaxed her fingers and rested her hand on Abbie's cheek. "I need to not feel dirty, to know that I'm not used up and thrown out."

Abbie smiled, rubbing her thumb over Alex's cheek. "You're not dirty, Alex. And, you've certainly not been thrown out. You're here, Alex, and I want you here. You're my friend, and you deserve so much more than what you've been given in terms of relationships."

Alex ran her thumb over Abbie's lips. "I don't know. I think this is karma's way of catching up to me."

"No one deserves to go through what you've been through, Alex," Abbie protested, "no matter what wrongs you think you committed. No one deserves to be raped." Abbie smiled as she pushed Alex's hair back behind her ear. "Besides, I can't think of anything you did so wrong that this is your karma. I think he's just a bad person, Alex, and he doesn't deserve someone as amazing as you."

Using her thumb and index finger, Alex hooked Abbie's lower lip, gently pulling it away from her teeth. Abbie's mouth opened in compliance, and Alex rubbed the pad of her thumb over the tops of Abbie's teeth. After a second, Abbie closed her lips around Alex's finger, her tongue licking once over the small nub of flesh in her mouth.

Sighing, Alex pulled her thumb back, tracing Abbie's lip again. "You make me feel safe, Abs," Alex murmured. "How do you do that?"

Abbie smiled, barely suppressing a small giggle. "Maybe I've got a certain set of skills that only work on you, Alex," she teased, taking Alex's hand in hers and lacing their fingers together before she brushed the backs of Alex's knuckles across her lips.

"How soon is too soon to want the good back?" Alex asked as Abbie released her hand and Alex rolled onto her back.

"I'm not sure I understand," Abbie said, her words slow and cautious, unsure where Alex was headed.

Alex sighed. "I mean, I loved him. I still think I love who I thought he was. Maybe not him, but the kind of person I believed him to be. I want that back. I want to be held and tickled, to have someone pick my hand up in the middle of the street while we're walking and lace their fingers in mine. I want to be surprised with flowers. I want to go on bike rides through the city just because it's a way to spend time together. I want to laugh. I want to be caught off guard by a kiss or a whisper telling me I look gorgeous even though I've just rolled out of bed and I haven't even done my make up. I want the phone calls that last until the early morning. I want to sit on roof tops and watch the sun set and then get up early the next morning and watch it rise again. I want the text messages in the middle of my work day. I want to feel like I'm special to someone. And, I don't feel like I'll ever be that again."

"You will," Abbie said. "I promise, Alex. You will. And, so much more. I think when you find the right person, there isn't anything about yourself that you conceal from them. You just can't help it. I don't think it's an instant bond or a trust that is built over night, but I think that you gradually open yourself up, and once you're open to them, you can't close back up. They know your secrets, and they love you because of everything about you. The person who dismisses your secrets, Alex, isn't the right person. But, I think we fool ourselves into thinking someone who loves us despite our darkness is the right person. It's not, you know? It's the person who loves us because of our darkness and because of our light and because of everything we are as a whole. And, I really do think you'll find him."

Alex smiled faintly. "Who knew you were such a hopeless romantic," she teased.

"No more than you, apparently," Abbie replied. "I get it, though. You want someone to treat you like the princess you are."

"I don't need a knight, though," Alex said with a sigh. "He let me be independent, and I guess that's where I hung myself because I didn't realize he didn't like that." She sighed more heavily as she shook her head.

Abbie smiled. "It's a balance, I'm sure. He's got to let you be just independent enough that you have your freedoms, but protective enough that you feel safe in his arms. Hard to find a guy like that, I suppose," Abbie said with a wistful sigh.

"You think I have unrealistic expectations?" Alex asked.

"Nope," Abbie answered, offering Alex a grin as she looked at her. "How's your hand and stomach?"

"Throbbing," Alex murmured. "I was hoping to avoid getting up or even moving at this point. I didn't realize I would have a heart in my abdomen as well." She pushed a small smile as she rolled on her side to look at Abbie. Slowly, she reached forward, placing her fingers lightly on Abbie's cheek. When Abbie did not move, Alex pushed her fingers back over Abbie's ear, her fingers brushing Abbie's dark hair. Abbie still did not move, and Alex danced her fingers down Abbie's neck and over her shoulder.

"What are your expectations?" Alex asked as her fingers moved down Abbie's arm, making small, circular patterns along her skin. Since Abbie neither moved nor protested, Alex did not remove her hand, her fingers still drawing tiny circles by her elbow.

Abbie propped her head up in a hand, shrugging with one shoulder. "I guess I'm holding out for someone who'll be happy to see me when I get home from the office. If they want to compete with me politically, that's fine as long as they're okay helping me to celebrate my victories and want to include me in theirs as well. I want to be with someone who is okay with the fact that I want to be able to take time off and go see the world or just go home for a few days. I want hugs and cuddles and up all nights watching movies. I want someone who will drink hot chocolate with me in the winter and kiss me in the rain. I want someone I can just spend time with just because and go on vacations with and take to galas and events, but I also want someone to be silly with me and accept the fact that sometimes, I'm not proper, that I cry and scream and throw temper tantrums, that I come with a past and have a future, that sometimes I get drunk and need someone to hold my hair back while I throw up in the toilet, that I dress up really well and love showing off and showing my partner off. I want someone who will hold me when I'm about to break but who will trust me enough to crawl into my arms when they're cracking, too. I guess I want someone who is a friend and companion as well as a partner and a lover."

Using the hand that was propping her head, Abbie reached forward, playing with a lock of Alex's hair. "See? We're both ridiculously, hopelessly romantic," she mused, grinning softly. "Let's get you some pain pills, shall we? It's about time for an antibiotic, too."

"Yes, Warden," Alex teased, withdrawing her hand from Abbie's arm, paling slightly as she realized she was still touching her. "Sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for," Abbie said, giving her locks one last twirl before releasing Alex. She stood up, offering her hand out to help Alex stand. The blond attorney took her coworker and roommate's hand, standing gingerly, gasping as she tried to put her feet under her. She cried out, clutching Abbie's arm and hand. "I got you. I got you. You alright?"

"Yea," Alex said, leaning against Abbie.

Abbie held Alex gently by her waist, and Alex clutched at Abbie as the Texan helped her to the couch. Slowly, Alex sank on the couch with Abbie's help. "You good?" Abbie asked.

"Yes, thank you," Alex murmured, tucking her legs up under her. "My stomach feels numb now that I've stood up."

"I don't know if that's a good thing, Alex," Abbie said, shaking her head. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"Your omlettes are pretty good," Alex mused with a cheeky grin. "If you're up for cooking."

Abbie laughed. "Only because you're weak as a kitten," Abbie answered. "Otherwise, I'd make you go cook your own." She winked, picking up the blanket Alex had curled up in previously and laid it over Alex's body. Abbie handed Alex the remote for the television and disappeared into the kitchen.

Alex turned on the morning news and cuddled up under the blanket, watching the news anchor discuss the weather for the upcoming week. Abbie returned with a handful of pills and a glass of orange juice, Alex taking the medication before handing the glass back with a small smile. "If I didn't know any better, counselor, I'd say you enjoy taking care of me."

"Someone's got to, Alex," Abbie murmured, chewing her lip. Hesitantly, she reached out again, stroking Alex's hair back from her face. "Until you're feeling better, Alex, I'll take care of you." Abbie twisted the hair in her fingers, using the backs of her fingers to stroke Alex's cheek. "You deserve at least that."

Blinking slowly, Alex looked up at Abbie, her eyes wide, soft, and innocent. Her hard exterior had come from being bred into a political society and prepared through her formal and informal education to move towards a political career as well as her current career as a prosecutor. Underneath her power and politics, though, Alex did not have the comprehension in certain, more intimate projects in life. Alex's stomach twisted, a sensation ripling through her body that was not unfamiliar, only unfamiliar as a response to a woman's touch.

Abbie had to recognize the look, though, because she withdrew her hand. "I'm sorry, Alex," Abbie murmured. "I didn't mean to."

Alex pressed her lips together. "Not your fault," Alex replied. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have – I shouldn't have."

"Can I sit?" Abbie asked, gesturing to the spot on the couch. Alex nodded, staring at her hands in her lap. "You told me last week that your sexual experimentation was minimal, at best."

"I'm not so incompetent that I don't understand sexual attraction, Abbie. Don't treat me like a child on this." Alex ground her teeth together. "I shouldn't have reacted."

Abbie shook her head. "Alex, that's not what I meant to do," she said. "I know you're intelligent. You're the only person in the DA's office with a bar score higher than mine. Don't think I forget. I meant only that the reaction is normal to touch, even if it was an unwanted reaction. I won't do it again. I'm sorry. I'm the only one who should be apologizing."

Frustrated, Alex balled her hand against her chest. "Stop, Abbie. Stop. It's not your fault."

"Alex," Abbie said as she furrowed her brow, "are you attracted to me?"

Biting her lip, Alex looked away. "I should go home."

"Why? You don't have to leave, Alex. I offered you to stay here as long as you want. You said yourself that there's no clean space in your apartment. He violated you in the bedroom and the kitchen. At least you're sleeping here. You're eating, too. When was the last time you ate when you were at your place, Alex? Was it when I made you eat? Because, you've lost weight, a lot of it. I've never hidden the fact that I find you to be an attractive woman. It's never been a secret that if you were interested in women and you were interested in me, I would not hesitate to take you out. You're amazing and talented and beautiful. But, I've never expected you to be attracted to me. I've always assumed you were straight because you only talk about boyfriends, but that doesn't mean that you're straight. However, your reaction to my touch doesn't mean that you aren't. You don't even have to tell me whether or not you're attracted to me, but if you are or if you aren't, you set the boundary to where you want me. I'm not going to do anything you don't want, Alex, but I need to know where my stopping point is. Where do I stop being your friend because I don't want to be your demon."

Hesitating, Alex bit her lip. "What if I don't want you to stop?" Alex asked, her voice low and quiet as she twisted her hands in her lap.

Abbie nodded. "I'll keep my hands to myself, Alex," she said. "You have no idea how flattered I am that you don't want to stop, but I question whether or not now is a good time for either of us to pursue what it means to not stop."

Licking her lower lip, Alex stared absently at the coffee table in front of her. "Right," she murmured. "I should know better. You're prosecuting the case. You realize that you know more intimate details about my life right now than anyone? That scares me. What scares me more is that I can't even trust myself. I don't know if I want you to stop or if I don't. I don't think I do, but I orgasmed when I was raped, Abbie. I'm so afraid that I'm broken. I'm so afraid that it won't matter who touches me, that I'll have that reaction every time, and I'm afraid of being hurt again. I want to be normal, and I want to be okay, but the fact of the matter is that I'm not."

"You will be, Alex," Abbie reassured her. "You're not broken. You're healing, and that will take time, but you can do it. And, you're beautiful and amazing. If, when you feel like you're in control over your body again and that you're ready for a relationship, you decide that you want to try a relationship with me, we'll address it then. In the mean time, while you're figuring out your boundaries and your coping mechanisms, it would be wrong of me to take advantage of you in any way."

Alex shrugged, picking at the skin on the sides of her nails. "I'm dirty, anyway, Abs. You wouldn't really want to touch me, even if you thought it was proper. I know you don't think of me that way, but you really should."

Sighing, Abbie uncurled from the couch and stood in front of Alex, her hands resting lightly on Alex's knees so that their faces were level and only a few inches apart. "Can I prove to you that I don't think you're dirty or damaged, that at any other time, you telling me to not stop would be the highlight of my week? I want you to feel safe and secure and like you're the good person I know you to be. I don't want you to look back at our friendship and think about all the ways you were still hurting while you were trying to push yourself to be in a relationship."

"What are you going to do to me?" Alex mewled, suddenly feeling small and powerless before a woman who seemed so in control over her thoughts and emotions. Normally, Alex was guided by logic, but in so many of those days the previous weeks, she felt out of sorts, like she was no longer herself.

Abbie leaned closer to Alex until Alex could see the finer colors streaking through Abbie's eyes, the ambers and even a few streaks of grey that darted through the middles. "Kiss you," Abbie whispered. Alex's eyes fluttered closed as she nodded, and a moment later, Abbie's warm lips were pressed against hers. On instinct, Alex's lips parted, wanting, hoping for more from Abbie, and the Texan did not disappoint, drawing Alex's tongue inside her mouth and sucking gently.

Alex curled her arms around Abbie's neck, keeping her close, her tongue exploring Abbie's mouth until the other woman pushed her tongue back, gently invading her mouth, running her tongue over Alex's teeth and lips. Pouring want into her, Abbie was gentle but firm in her position, catching Alex's lower lip lightly in her teeth before releasing her.

"Wow," Alex breathed, slouching back into the couch. "I've never been kissed like that." Her heart thundered in her chest in a way that it had never done with Peter, and Alex realized that it was something innate. In a way, Alex felt like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Abbie to hurt or abandon her, but at the same time, she could not see it happening. The compassionate but sturdy prosecutor just was not that way.

Abbie, for her part, could not help but smile. She reached forward, twisting Alex's hair between her fingers. "I've wanted to do that for the past two years," she murmured. "Thank you. Alex, I hope you understand what I mean. It's not what happened to you that's making me want to wait. It's that I want you to be prepared for something. I don't want you to feel pressured or rushed or that you have to mentally be somewhere you're not. Take your time, and if you decide you don't want to stop, then we won't. We'll see where this path leads us, but not yet."

Nodding, Alex wrapped her arms around Abbie, holding her closer, Abbie avoiding putting any weight on Alex's body. Eventually, Abbie curled back up on the couch and pulled Alex close to her, holding her until Alex's breathing became heavy, the pain pills working their magic and putting Alex gracefully to sleep.

It left Abbie with a few hours to herself to think and consider not only the case she was prosecuting but the position she was in. While Alex was her friend and coworker, she was also the victim in the case she was prosecuting. Ethically, she should not have kissed her or even entertained the idea of a mutual attraction between them. It was one thing as coworkers, but something else entirely as prosecutor and victim, the kind of psychological power Abbie had over Alex being unfair. Not that Abbie thought that Alex would view it that way, she did have to consider, too, the fact that Abbie was the first safe person who took an interest in Alex. She had mentored her at the DA's office, she was amoung her supervisory staff, and she had been there when Alex had needed to know that someone would not hurt her. It was an immense psychological power. She worried, mostly, that Alex would eventually realize that and feel like she had reacted not because of a genuine attraction but out of a sense of gratitude and need to give Abbie back for what Abbie had given her in a way that she knew Abbie would be interested in.

Biting her lip, Abbie stroked her fingers through Alex's hair as she sat on the couch, watching the blond woman on her lap. As she sat there, watching Alex's eyes flutter through the cycles of REM sleep, she could physically feel the other woman's body relaxing, the tension in her shoulders relaxing for the first time since Abbie found out about the rape. Moaning in her sleep, Alex stretched an arm out, wrapping it around Abbie's waist, pulling their bodies closer as she nuzzled her face into Abbie's stomach as if she were a pillow. "Dun leaf ee," Alex murmured, still out cold, her words slurred as she babbled in her sleep.

Sighing, Abbie rested her fingers on Alex's hand. "I won't, Princess. I'm still right here," she murmured. "I won't leave, and I'll keep waiting. I wouldn't mind seeing if you want to stay." Absently, she traced Alex's lips with the fingers of her other hand, and Alex's fingers squeezed tighter over hers. Abbie smiled. "Wishful thoughts, though." Gently, she rested her hand on Alex's shoulder, careful to just be the human pillow she had become as she watched the news with a mute sort of fascination.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Quietly, Alex sat in the back of the court room, her lower lip tucked between her teeth. It was just gone six, and she had another hour before the court room started to crowd with people waiting for their cases to be called. She just needed the sanctuary, and the court room had taken on an almost church like quality for her. Depsite the ass chewings she got from judges on a semi-regular basis, it was there that she felt the most at peace, the most absolved. She did her penance in the court rooms. She fought battles others were unwilling to engage in. And, in a few hours, she had to face the very real possibility that she would be fighting the biggest battle of her legal career.

She had to be grateful for all the support she had received from Nora Lewin. It was no small blessing that the DA had stood up for her. Not only that, but the nature of Alex's case had been sealed to the other prosecutors with Nora telling them only that Alex was out due to a non-work related injury and that she would be working from home, only making appearances in court or going to the station as needed by the detectives. She had gotten a handful of text messages and phone calls wishing her a speedy recovery, but very few people in the office asked her what had happened. Maybe it was because they knew Abbie was prosecuting a case where Alex was listed as the vitim. She was glad that her coworkers respected her privacy.

"Hey, Cabot," Fin Tutuola said as he walked in the court room. "Carmichael told me you'd be here." Alex offered him a small smile. Despite her injuries and emotional state outside of the presence of the court, she had handled the two appearances that week professionally and without incident, but that day, she was in court for herself in the civil matter pertaining to the restraining order she had taken out against Peter.

"I don't think I want anyone in here when I'm arguing the RO, Fin," Alex said. "I appreciate that you came down, but -"

"No problem, then," the African American said. "We'll wait out there until it's done. You come get us after."

Alex nodded. "I can do that." She sighed, staring up at the judge's bench. "I can't tell you how many times I've argued something in front of a judge either in chambers or open court, but I've never been this nervous, not even with my first case."

Fin scoffed. "Yea. It's always tough when it's personal. You'll be alright. You've got us. We got your back, no matter what happens at this hearing, alright?"

"Yea," Alex mused. "Thanks. That really means a lot to me."

For the next hour and a half, Alex just sat and zoned out, Fin in the pew behind her. He did not say anything else, and she appreciated his silent support more than she could ever express. At some point, both Olivia and Elliot joined him, Olivia sitting in the same pew as Alex and Elliot in the one in front. Eventually, Abbie filed in, her box of case files in tow behind her.

"You ready, Alex?" she asked. Alex jumped as Abbie touched her shoulder. "It's nerve wracking, huh?"

"Yea," Alex said. "It's just strange. I can't get my head around it. And, I don't like what's going to happen. He's not barred from saying anything." She blinked rapidly, trying to avoid tears. "Maybe I should just drop it."

"That's up to you, Alex," Abbie said as she shooed Olivia out of the pew and slid in beside Alex. "I can't make you keep it. There is one in the criminal proceeding, but there's no guarantee that's going to be permanent. This one will be, and Petrovsky is going to grant it. She won't fall for his little game or for him embarrassing you. She knows how predators think, and we both know she does not tolerate dirty tactics."

Alex smiled lightly. "She almost had me censured."

"You're lucky. She likes you. I would have been censured," Abbie said with a soft smile. "Do you want me to wait outside with the detectives when this starts?"

Alex shook her head. "No. Stay. At least this way, you can kick me if there's an argument I'm missing."

"Alright," Abbie answered. "You have all of us here for you, Alex. I know you've heard the spiel before, but try to focus on me. He's probably going to try to distract you and distress you. Just focus on me. Petrovsky's ordered the court room clear as a favor to me, so there won't be anyone else, okay?" Abbie reached into her tote box and pulled out a file. "Here's all the text messages he sent you in the past month and a half, including the one you sent to him asking him to stop. I had Nora pull your work phone history, too, and I've highlighted every time his number called your phone in the past month. It'll be alright. He's not winning this, Alex."

Alex stared at the papers. "Thank you, Abbie," she whispered.

They all looked up as the door opened, two men walking in, both familiar to the attorneys, both strangers to the detectives. "Miss Carmichael," the older, rounder man said with a plastic smile that told the detectives that he was an attorney, "what a pleasure."

"David," Abbie said, not even bothering with formalities. "I'd love to say the same, but I'm not in the habit of lying."

"Too bad your victim is," David said with a frown, shaking his head as he looked at Alex. "I understand, Miss Cabot, that you've been having a lot more fun than your court room demeanor would suggest."

Alex gave him an icy glare. "If you call being raped fun, David, then you're the one with problems," she snapped. Abbie put a hand over Alex's arm, shaking her head.

"If you're entire plan this hearing is to taunt your client's victim, David, then I certainly know what to expect from you at trial," Abbie bit. "It was a slam dunk case before, but if you're just going to make it easy on me -"

Alex felt her heart thudding in her chest so loud that she could barely hear the exchange. David had no remark back from that, him and Peter merely walking to the front of the room, Peter sitting down while David unpacked some paperwork. Alex's fingers gripped Abbie's hand, her nails digging in to the other woman's palm. "What the hell paperwork could he possibly have?" she whispered.

"It's a scare tactic, Alex. Don't forget. Don't let it work," Abbie coached, but Alex found that she could barely breathe. She was too focused on the sensation of being pressed into the counter, into her bed, the invasion of her body. It felt like both attacks were happening at once, and she had no idea how to process it. Shuddering, she squeezed her eyes closed, her hands finding Abbie's arms and holding her. After a moment, Abbie pulled the other prosecutor to her, covering her eyes with her hand as she held her face to her chest.

"It's me, Alex," Abbie whispered. "It's just me. No one else is touching you. No one is hurting you. No one can hurt you." For the past week, every panic attack Alex had had in the apartment with Abbie present, those words had become Abbie's mantra to her. Some days, it worked better than others. That day, it worked to help Alex calm down and focus, and after several seconds, she nodded her head.

"You sure you don't want us to stay?" Fin asked.

Alex shook her head. "I'll meet you guys outside," she said, sitting up and pushing the stray hairs from her face. Her voice was quiet, sullen, and very much not like the outspoken prosecutor they had come to know in the few weeks she had been working with them, and Alex saw them exchange a glance. She did not, however, know enough about them to be able to interpret the look.

As Petrovsky entered, the detectives ducked out, the judge calling the restraining order case. Abbie gave Alex's hand a soft squeeze, nodding her head before Alex walked up to the unoccupied table. Despite having been at that table so many times before, Alex felt small in that moment. Her stomach had a knot in it that she could not shake, and she really just wanted to go home and curl up in the shower.

"Alexandra Cabot, petitioner," Alex said, surprised at how clear her voice was considering how shaken up she felt.

"David Saunders for respondent Peter Feldman," David said.

"Miss Cabot, you requested the restraining order. Why don't you tell me about that?" Lena said, looking at Alex with a small, reassuring smile.

Alex nodded. "Approximately one month ago, I was sexually assaulted by my then boyfriend, Peter Feldman. Despite the fact that I begged him to not assault me, he penetrated me vaginally, orally, and anally with his penis, after which he left my apartment. I told him to never return. For several days after the assault, I received multiple phone calls and text messages a day where Peter said he had enjoyed raping me and looked forward to doing it again. Some of these text messages included images of an erect penis. Initially, I ignored his calls and texts hoping that they would stop. When it became clear to me that he would continue to text and call me, I texted him requesting that he cease all communication with me. Peter still continued to text and call me so often that I had to change my personal number to avoid his continued harassment. Nevertheless, he continued to call my work cell phone and leave disturbing voicemails until he was served with a temprorary restraining order two weeks ago."

Alex shuffled through the papers. "I have copies of the text messages for the court."

Lena nodded. "Approach," she murmured. Alex walked up to her, handing her the papers that Abbie had brought in. On her way back to the table, she handed another copy to David. As she stood back at the table, she closed her eyes, focusing on her breathing. She might be okay if she could pretend this was for a case she was working, not for her own case. "Continue when you are ready."

"Approximately a week ago, I answered a knock on my door. Peter was standing outside of my door drunk and yelling about how he had not raped me. I advised him of the restraining order and asked him to leave. He refused, entering my apartment and striking me. I tried to call 9-1-1, but he snatched the phone out of my hand and hung up before I could leave an address. I have transcripts from the very short call, if it would please the court."

"Please," Lena said, holding her hand out. Again, Alex passed a copy to the judge and a copy to David. "Continue."

"At that point, I ran into the kitchen to grab a knife to defend myself. Before I could, Peter had hit me in the head, and I passed out. When I woke up, I was lying on the kitchen floor. Peter then shoved a bottle in my mouth and forced me to drink alcohol despite my coughing and sputtering. He told me that he had not raped me the first time, but if I wanted to be raped, he would. He proceeded to sexually assault me a second time, penetrating me anally and vaginally. He proceeded to abuse my body in such a manner than when he dropped me, I could not feel my legs nor could I move for almost twenty four hours when I was found by coworkers who had come over to check on me."

It was at that point which Alex realized she had been shaking so badly as she spoke that she was actually leaning against the back of the chair to keep herself from collapsing. Abbie had moved closer to Alex, sitting in the pew behind her, and Alex was vaguely aware that the raven haired attorney was touching her, though just barely.

"Do you need a break, Miss Cabot?" the judge asked. Alex shook her head, reaching back and taking Abbie's hand on her leg and grasped it tightly for a moment before letting it go. She blinked back tears, as she looked up. She had known it would be a tough emotional battle for her. She just had not been prepared for how tough. "Mister Saunders, then, if you would like to speak for Mister Feldman."

"My client would like to tell his version of events. Miss Cabot obtained a restraining order under false pretenses which caused my client to lose his job. This has caused a great deal of stress on my client, and while he regrets that he went to Miss Cabot's apartment, it was merely to ask her to drop the order."

"So, Mister Feldman did not rape her?"

"In neither instance," David said.

The judge nodded. "Go ahead, Mister Feldman."

Peter glanced to Alex. "I'm really sorry that Alex is having such a hard time, first of all. I really do love her. We were dating for almost two years. The night a month ago, we were spending some time together on the yacht, and she told me she loved me. It was the first time she had said that, and I was delighted. After that, things got pretty heavy between us. At one point, we were both swimming nude. When we got out, Aly lay with me under the blanket. I took her home shortly after because she was still cold. Things remained sexual between us. We had sex. I'll admit, it was a little rougher than I'm used to. Aly seemed to be enjoying herself. I had no idea she was a virgin, and, admittedly, I was a little more rough with her than I would have been otherwise. I think that scared her, to be honest. I didn't find out until after she asked for the restraining order that she was a virgin. I can't blame her for being afraid. We were pretty wild, and with no sexual experience, I can see how she would have been frightened. But, truth be told, and it's kind of embarrassing, but she was insatiable that night. She even had me choke her while we were having anal sex. It was a little strange for me, but I went with it. I just thought she was experimental. I'm guilty of bad judgment in how we had sex, but it was never less than consensual."

Alex had collapsed into the chair, her knuckles white against the table as she stared forward, teeth gritted. Tears streamed down Alex's cheeks, and she had to wipe away the snot running over her lips as he talked. She knew he would argue consent, but hearing him say it and having to relive it at the same time was more than she was prepared to handle.

Abbie left the pew behind Alex and pulled up a chair beside her, stroking Alex's hair back as she passed her a tissue. Alex looked up at the judge, mouthing an apology.

"Court will recess for ten minutes. Miss Cabot, will that be enough time?"

"Thank you," Alex squeaked, nodding. She looked at Abbie and whispered. "I'm going to throw up."

"Okay," Abbie said, standing and grabbing a small trash bin from near the court reporter's desk. As she gave the bin to Alex, the blond attorney threw up. She shivered as she continued to vomit until her stomach was empty. "There you go. It's okay. Would you feel better if a detective was in here with you?"

Alex nodded, but she would not let go of Abbie's wrist so the attorney could get Olivia. "Hey, I'll stay. Just let me call her. David, can you and Peter please step out. Be a decent human being for once." Petrovsky had already left, so there was little need to watch their tongues as they snapped at each other.

"Wonderful theatrics," David said, rolling his eyes. "I hope you'll do better than this on cross, Miss Cabot."

"Enough," Abbie snarled as she tucked her phone back in her pocket.

"Alex, it's Olivia," a voice from nearby murmured softly. "I'm going to touch your shoulder, okay?" Olivia ran her hands over Alex's shoulders, gesturing for her to stand up. With Abbie on one side and Olivia on the other, Alex walked out of the court room and into a nearby office, grateful for the space as Olivia pulled out a chair and Abbie sat her down in it.

"Talk to me, Alex," Abbie murmured, crouching down in front of Alex, her hands softly on Alex's knees. "Where are you? What's going on in your head?"

"He lied," Alex said, her mouth tight as she tried desperately not to cry.

"We knew he would, Alex," Abbie said, stroking her fingers over Alex's knees. "Petrovsky won't let him lie his way out of this, Alex. She knows people like him lie and say that rape is consensual. She's got the text messages and the phone calls, Alex. No one can deny that those are excessive in nature."

Alex nodded, wrapping her arms around herself. "I just didn't expect it to impact me like this."

"Alex, he brutalized you. There's nothing wrong with breaking down and being afraid." Abbie stood up, leaning so that she could catch Alex's chin with her fingers. "I'll be in there with you."

"I want to drop the RO," Alex murmured. "I can't listen to him talk about the second rape, telling Petrovsky that that was also consensual."

"He can say whatever he wants about the first attack, Alex. We believe you. We know you didn't want it. But, the second attack, honey, we have medical evidence proving your side of the story. There are photographs of your bruises, charts of the lacerations. Your spleen was ruptured, and he's left you in a position where you can't have children, Alex. Petrovsky isn't going to take that lightly."

Alex's grip on her body tightened. "He gets to take everything from me. Why?"

"Olivia," Abbie murmured, glancing at the door. "Can you let the judge know it'll be another couple of minutes?" Olivia nodded ducking out. Abbie sat in a chair beside Alex and picked up her hands. "Alex, you're still a Cabot. He didn't take that away from you. Tell Petrovsky what he did. I can use this in the criminal prosecution against him, Alex." Abbie leaned close, her lips just barely touching Alex's ear. "Give me something I can nail him with."

Alex stared at Abbie, eyes wide before she nodded. She pushed the remnants of her tears from her face and stood up. "Okay. I'll try."

"That's my girl," Abbie mused, smile on her face. "Just like in Baby DA school, huh?"

Alex forced a smile as she nodded. She returned back to the court room, standing at the plaintiff's table. She licked her lips, closing her eyes as she exhaled slowly.

"Are you ready, Miss Cabot?" the judge asked, her voice kinder with Alex than it had ever been.

"As I'll ever be," Alex answered, rubbing her arms.

"Alright, then, I believe we left off with Mister Feldman's argument that the encounter was consensual but rough?" Lena said. "Miss Cabot?"

"Far from it, your Honour," Alex answered. "I went to the doctor shortly after despite not filing a police report or having a rape kit done. The vaginal and anal tearing required medical treatment. I was lucky to not need stitches, that time. The second time, I required several rectal stitches as well as emergency surgery for a ruptured spleen and torn uterus from the physical assault. The doctors told me as well as the detectives that if they had waited another hour before going looking for me, they would have found a corpse."

"That was not my fault, Aly. You were fine when I left you that night," Peter replied, his eyes looking so sad. "You were half asleep. I just figured I should leave. We both know it was a mistake. A drunken mistake, but that did not equate rape. I'm sorry you're so disturbed by what we did, but it was consensual."

"When did I tell you I was a virgin?" Alex asked. "Was it our third date? You remember what you told me? You told me you would wait until I was ready."

"Well, yea, but you wanted to have sex that night."

Alex glared at him. "Because that's what no means, right? That's what me begging you not to rape me means, that I want it?"

"Enough," Lena warned.

Peter did not stop, though. "It doesn't matter what you said, Alex. Your body did all the talking. Do you have any idea how many orgasms you had? The bed was soaked, Aly. Everytime I thought you wouldn't be able to come again, you did. But, it was all consensual, Alex. You wouldn't have orgasmed like that if you hadn't wanted it."

"But, I said no. I said no a month ago. And, I said no a week ago. You hit me on the head in my kitchen. How did that equate to consent?" Alex pressed. "Your prints are on the pan you hit me with, a pan I didn't buy until after we stopped dating. You left bloody paper towels on me, on my kitchen floor. I begged you not to because I was on my period. You did it anyway, and the internal bleeding left me immobile on the floor. You had taken away my cell phone. I couldn't even call for medical help. How are you not a danger to me? How are you not a danger to every woman?"

"Alex," Peter said, anger tinting his voice.

"Peter," David said, his hand on his client's chest. "Sit down."

"I would take the advice of your attorney, Mister Feldmen. I'm granting the permanent restraining order. It's clear to me that you don't respect Alex's personal space or the law. You walked through a retraining order and put Miss Cabot in the hospital. That's enough for me," Petrovsky said.

David gave Alex a dark look, and the blond attorney took a half step back, wanting to conceal herself from him. Really, she wanted to get away from everyone in the court room. Alex looked up to the judge. Lena's eyes were uncharacteristically soft and sad. Alex hated it. Swallowing as best she could, Alex stood on shaky legs, willing herself to be stronger than she was. It was a tactic that could only work for so long. She had been reduced to a crying, sobbing mess in her court, and she hated Peter with every fiber of her being that he could do that to her. She hated herself for falling prey.

When all was said and done, though, the signed order of protection in Alex's hands, a copy already served to Peter, all Alex wanted was to shower. Abbie waited in the court room with Alex until Peter and David left. Their absence made the detectives come into the court room. Olivia bit her lip as she watched Alex sitting in a chair at the plaintiff's table, her body stiff and rigid. Abbie nodded.

"Hey, Alex," Olivia said, walking up to her and sitting beside her. "This part's over, okay? Do you have somewhere to stay?"

"Yes," Alex answered, still staring forward. "I have a friend I can stay with until he calms down."

"It's going to be a while. He was pretty pissed leaving."

"I know," Alex whispered. "And, none of it matters. I still have to live with the nightmare and the consequences."

Olivia nodded. "Abbie said you couldn't have children now."

Alex nodded, her hand resting on her stomach. "That's how badly he broke me," Alex answered. "He took away my ability to chose whether or not to have sex. He's scarred that aspect of me. That will always be there. He's also deprived me of the ability to carry my own children when I do decide to become a mother. I always imagined being pregnant, what it would be like. I thought about what it would be like to be with a man who loved me and wanted to be a father. You know how many kids I wanted?" Alex's eyes remained focused on the bench. Olivia stayed silent for several seconds, waiting for Alex to continue. "I wanted two. I didn't care if they were boys or girls. I didn't want my children to grow up the only child, but I never thought I could handle more than two." She smiled. "It was the best compromise I could think of. Now, I can't even do that. My parents don't believe that he raped me, and now it's on public record what he did to me."

"But, we've got him admitting to you not consenting, Alex," Abbie said. "That's incredible I'll get him on the rape charge, Alex. And, if I've got him there, then I've got him on the attempted murder." She gave Alex's shoulder a soft squeeze. "You did good, Cabot. You did really good."

"Thank you, Abbie," Alex murmured. "Thanks for being in here with me."

"No problem. How about I drive you home to pick up some things for your friend's place? Nora's still not letting you touch your office, so you're stuck. Although, if you want, I can bring things to you after work?"

"Actually, can you grab the Helmont case file? It should be on my desk unless Clarissa put it away. Then, you might have to ask her."

"You got it," Abbie said. "And, hey, do me a favour? Leave your phone on. If he calls, I want to know immediately. I'm pretty sure there's no shortage of detective willing to go pick him up if he does. If an unknown number calls you, answer it, Alex. I want as much ammo as I can get on this bastard." Abbie shook her head, sighing. "I still have no idea how he wound up talking a judge into giving him a bail. Scorio is a bleeding heart gypsy, though."

Alex smiled. "It's okay. I think it's easier now that I'm not alone in this," she murmured. "I promise to call if he tries to contact me in any way." She turned and gave a small smile to Olivia. "I'll call one of you directly, if you want."

"Give us the address to where you're staying. That way, if something happens, and you can't say where you are, we'll at least have a decent idea."

Alex pressed her lips together, eyes downcast. "I, uh, that address has to stay out of my case file under all circumstances," she whispered.

Olivia's eyes narrowed as she glanced at Abbie who was biting her lip. "Uh huh. Nevermind. If he shows up while you're having dinner with Abbie, discussing work related matters, you let me know," she said. She gave Alex a gentle smile. "And, wherever you're staying, Alex, is no business but ours and only because we want to keep you safe from him."

Surprised, not by the detective's ability to be a detective but by the detective's willingness to bend the rules, Alex nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Olivia."

The detective merely smiled. "I'm more concerned about your safety. With him out on bail, and one of his reactions to you pulling a restraining order being to nearly beat you to death – Alex, we've barely started training you to be our prosecutor. We can't start all over again with a newbie." Olivia offered a warm, genuine smile, but there was a serious look to her as well that told Alex that she really was concerned, out of more than just her job description. That, more than anything, took Alex by surprise. She barely knew the detectives, having only worked with them for a month, several days out of that time with Alex out of the office, but the real concern she was receiving from all of them told her that she had a lot more to learn about their characters than she had initially judged them by – particularly with Elliot.

"Glad to know I mean so much to you," Alex teased. "If you need anything, go ahead and call me. Just because the DA kicked me out of my office doesn't mean she kicked me off my cases. The doctor said I should be okay to go back to work next week sometime. She just wants to check stitches and make sure that sitting for that long is not going to be damaging. I can't really lie down in my office." She could. She had a couch pushed up against one of the walls, but lying down most of the day doing her work would just be awkward. It was easier to do exactly that on Abbie's couch. At least there, if she needed to walk around or stretch it would not look strange.

Abbie drove Alex back to her apartment to pick up more clothes, particularly work clothes since Alex was hoping to be cleared to return to the office by the following week. It was really driving Alex insane to not be in her office working on her cases. Really, the problem was that it left her too much time to think about her case, to think about what had happened to her in a few short weeks. Her life had been turned upsidedown, and she had been damaged in such a way that she had no experience in coping. There was just too much time to focus on the devestation.

Abbie left Alex curled on the couch having taken her medication including a recently added sleeping pill since Alex's sleeping habits all but disappeared once she was no longer taking pain medication. Abbie left a glass of water and Alex's cell phone both within easy reach of the other woman before darting back to work for a one o'clock hearing in another matter.

It was almost five before Alex woke up again, her body drenched in a cool sweat, nails gripping the pillow. As she sat up, the blanket slid down over her body, and she jumped, her heart already racing like a hunted animal. Looking around her, she figured out what had woken her so suddenly. Her phone was vibrating on the coffee table, and the soft buzz had drifted into her dreams. Without even thinking, she picked it up.

"Cabot," she mumbled, assuming it would be either a detective or Abbie.

"You're a bitch, you know that?" came the soft voice on the other end of the line. She could tell he was drunk because of the way he was talking, and she felt her heart stop in her throat.

"Don't call me again, Pete. You're not supposed to," Alex said, hanging up the phone.

Almost immediately, it began to ring again, and Alex glanced at the blocked number. Her anger flared, and she picked up. "Cabot," she barked.

"Come downstairs," Peter said. "I just want to talk. I can't believe you're doing this to me."

"I'm doing this to you? You raped me, you bastard," Alex snapped. "I begged you not to, and you did it anyway. Not just once, but twice. Where are you?"

"Outside your apartment. I miss you, Aly. I'm really sorry I hurt you. I just want you back."

"No, Peter. I'm hanging up. If you call again, I'm calling the police," she snapped, hanging up her phone again.

She was just about to lay back down when her phone rang again. "Please come down, Aly," Peter intoned the moment she answered the phone.

"I'm calling the police." She hung up and was just about to call Olivia when her phone rang again. "Leave me alone," she snapped, her heart hammering in her throat. "Please, just leave me alone." Alex broke, a sob hitching that last syllable.

"Whoa, Princess, hang on. It's just me. What's going on?" Abbie's voice was tender through the phone, but there was a mark of concern laced in.

Alex swallowed, watching her hand shake on her knee. "I'm sorry, Abbie. I thought you were him," she murmured.

"Has he called?"

"I was just about to call Olivia. He's drunk and says he's outside my apartment," Alex answered, wrapping the blanket tighter around herself.

"Okay. You're okay, Alex. Go ahead and call Olivia and let her know. They've got my blessing to go pick him up. I'll call Petrovsky when I'm done here and see about getting bail revoked. I wanted to call and find out if you wanted me to pick up anything specific for dinner."

Alex thought about that for a moment. "I'm not that hungry," she finally answered.

"You still need to eat. Your choice, Alex," Abbie said, "but you are eating something."

"Chinese, then. Something with beef and noodles," Alex answered. "Thank you, Abbie."

"Anytime, Alex. Be safe. Call Olivia, and then call me if he calls back again, okay? You're doing alright?"

"Yea," Alex breathed.

When they hung up, Alex called Olivia after checking her phone. While she had been talking to Abbie, she had missed two calls, both from blocked numbers. Alex licked her lips and sighed.

"Benson," came the calm voice on the other side of the line. It contradicted everything Alex felt inside. She was a mess, and she could feel the chaos bubbling up to the surface again.

"Liv, it's Alex," Alex breathed. "He called. At least five times, but my phone's already beeping to indicate someone on the line."

"Okay," Olivia said. "Have you talked to Abbie?"

"Yes. She's okay if you want to go pick him up. He told me he was outside my apartment. I'm – I'm not really sure if he means mine or Abbie's. I really have no idea what he's capable of. I never expected any of this."

"Okay. Okay. But, you're safe now, right?"

"Yes," Alex said. "He needs an elevator card and a key to get in, and I'm not opening the door. Abbie can get in herself when she gets home."

"Okay. Great plan. El and I will swing by your apartment and see if he's there. We'll talk to the doorman, too, and see if he tried to go in."

"Thanks, Liv," Alex said, the butterflies in her stomach settling considerably. "Could you let me know what you find?"

"Absolutely. Call if he calls back and says anything, okay? Otherwise, just don't answer for now. I'll swing by later and grab your phone so that we can trace the blocked numbers. Hopefully Scorio will reverse his decision on bail."

"I hope," Alex muttered. She hung up with Olivia and curled on the couch, watching the front door almost expectantly. In truth, she did expect him to beat on Abbie's front door. She expected him to come in and hurt her again. He had no regard for her personal space or her wishes. He had no regard for the law. It was hardly believable that he had ever once been so charming. It made her wonder how she had not seen through what was so clearly an act. She wondered how she could have been so foolish.

And she found her thoughts drifting to Abbie, the woman who had stepped in and taken command while Alex was feeling powerless. But, instead of making Alex feel like an invalid, Abbie toed that line. At least, in the month since Alex had told Abbie about what had happened to her, she had toed the line. Alex could have chosen to remain living in her own apartment, and Abbie would have supported it. The choices Alex made, Abbie had long made it clear to her friend that she would support her. However, Alex was just as grateful that Abbie was nudging her in considerably healthier directions. Alex was not so out of it to not realize that she would be dead of an alcohol overdose in her own home. She could barely tolerate Abbie's. Just the thought of going to her place was enough to drive her to want to drink. Though, Abbie had mysteriously emptied the house of booze. It had been shameful for Alex that she had actually gone looking. That had been a big eye opener for her. When the first thing she went for under that level of stress was alcohol, then she knew she had a problem.

Nevertheless, her thoughts migrated to her interactions with Abbie since the rape and before comparing the two. Abbie really never had concealed her attraction since slipping while Alex was a Baby DA. While she had not made any displays of affection or pushed the idea on Alex, she had never retracted her attraction. And, when they had gone out places, and Alex had been hit on by unwanted men, Abbie was always to the rescue, wrapping an arm around Alex's hip and pulled her possessively lose, often daring the men to challenge her. Alex had even been comfortable lying her head against Abbie's shoulder and blowing air against her cheek and her neck as if in affection.

There was also that kiss. Alex remembered the feel of Abbie's breath against her mouth right before she had kissed her. The weight of her against Alex's legs, balancing herself while she leaned over Alex's body had not been frightening. She had thought that with the more recent weight of Peter against her legs, Abbie leaning on her would have been terrifying, but it was not. The taste of Abbie, though, was what got to her. She had not realized that women kissed so differently from men. Abbie had been soft, even when her kiss had been demanding. Her lips between Alex's had been different. Without facial hair or stubble from a morning shave, it had felt different against her own lips. Absently, Alex rubbed her fingers over her lips.

She lay back on the couch, chewing on her lip. She rubbed her arm, shivering, but she did not want to move. Her stomach twisted in knots, but she found herself thinking more about Abbie than she was about Peter. It was an interesting change considering the past month, she had been more than just a little obsessed. For just a little while, it felt like the images of everything Peter had done to her were pushed back. They still hurt. Her body still hurt. Sitting still hurt. Despite the fact that her body was healing, sometimes, the sutures still hurt. But, then, she had to think, too, about the good. Since the detectives had found out, she had a support system in them that had surprised her. Fin called to check up on her, to make sure she was doing okay. Twice when he had called, he had put her on speaker and the other detectives had been there. Olivia had volunteered to be with Alex for the court process if she had wanted someone with a badge to sit between her and Peter. They had all shown up to her protection order hearing. And, Abbie had been fantastic. Most nights, Alex had nightmares, and Abbie had been there, had sat beside her, and had even held her until she fell back asleep. She had been that warm sense of safety, someone Alex had physically been able to hold on to. Abbie's warm body against hers was a contrast to Peter's, even before Peter was violent towards her. But, it was the unique curve of a woman's body that helped Alex to know that Peter did not have her. Her memories of him were strong, but they were just memories with Abbie holding her tight.

The door opened slowly sometime later. "Hey, Alex," Abbie's soft voice came through. "Olivia and Elliot are here."

Alex sat up. "You want my phone," she said, picking up her work cell and holding it out. Olivia held out an evidence bag, and Alex dropped the device inside. "Did you pick him up?"

Elliot shook his head. "We checked your apartment complex and Abbie's. He wasn't at either location. The doorman at your place said he hadn't seen him, but he promised to keep an eye out and call the police if he did see Peter. And tell the other guys to keep an eye, too. The guy's pretty fond of you. Um, Rafael."

"Yea," Alex said. "He's been there as long as I have. Longer, but -" Alex shrugged. "He's really nice. They all are. I'm gunna miss them when I move. It's hard to find a place where the concierge treat it more than just a job. They were all genuinely interested in us. Peter used to leave me little presents with them when we started dating. Teddy bears, flowers, bottles of wine. Even Rafael thought that we were the cutest couple, that we would get married. I guess I'm not the only one who was taken off guard by his charm."

"This isn't your fault, Alex," Olivia said. "This was his choice. Peter's a high functioning sociopath. He knows how to make people trust him and like him."

Alex shook her head. "He's not. The night he raped me the second time, he was drunk. When he called tonight, he was drunk. He's not a predator in that manner. He's a predator, yes, but – he needs to get drunk to deal with what he's done. I mean, really, the night he raped me, the, the first time, he was tipsy. We had both been drinking, but we weren't drunk. I probably shouldn't have had so much, though. Maye I would have been more firm and fought back instead of just rolling over and letting him do what he wanted."

Olivia pressed her lips together. "I want you to respond to yourself." Alex's brow furrowed. Olivia gestured to the couch, and Alex nodded, the detective sitting down beside her, facing her with her elbows resting on her knees. "Pretend that a victim said what you just said. She walked into your office to discuss testimony, and she's sitting across your desk, and she says 'If I hadn't drunk as much, I would have been able to stop it.'"

Alex licked her lips, glancing from Olivia up to Elliot and Abbie who were still standing nearby and then down to her knees where she fiddled with her fingers. "I'd probably tell her that that wouldn't have stopped him from trying. Even if she had fought or run or screamed louder, that it wasn't guaranteed to stop him. That he made the choice to rape her. At some point, he decided he was going to force sex on her. At no point did she ever make the decision to be raped. The important part is that, whatever she did, she survived and she told the police."

Nodding her head, Olivia covered Alex's fidgeting hands with one of her own. "Now, tell that to yourself," she instructed.

Tears welled up in Alex's eyes. "It's not my fault," she said, her voice quiet and strained. "But, Olivia, I'm a prosecutor; I should know better."

Abbie sat on the other side of Alex, wrapping her arms softly around Alex's waist and resting her head on Alex's shoulder. "No, Alex. Just because you knew what to call what he did to you does not mean that you are less of a target for men like him. It doesn't mean that you have fewer protections from the law or that there are more expectations on you to somehow know that a man is planning on raping you or that you should somehow prevent it. The fact that you are a prosecutor has no bearing on the fact that you were raped, Alex."

Alex rested her hands on Abbie's arm for a moment before she balled up the fabric of her sleeve between her fingers, shaking her head. "If people like us aren't somehow immune, how are we supposed to help people?"

"By doing what we do anyway," Elliot said. "By taking one more perv off the street so he's in a place where he can't hurt other women. You're doing the right thing, Alex, by helping us go after him. We'll get him. Abbie will put him behind bars. And, while he's there, Alex, he won't be able to hurt you or anyone else."

"He'll get eighteen months for raping me," Alex said, shaking her head. "I doubt that's really going to stop him."

"Don't forget the attempted murder, Alex," Abbie said, gently. "He left here knowing you were without medical care and knowing that you had no access to a phone. He had hit you over the head. There was forethought and planning in that, Alex. Even if it was just a second before. And, you know what, if I can't prove premeditation, I still have him on attempted manslaughter. I know he'll only do eight to ten for it, but it's something, Alex. It's a start. I'll take it. To give you eight years of peace, I'll take it."

Chewing at her lip, Alex shrugged. "I think I just want to go shower," she mumbled.

"Sure," Abbie said, releasing her temporary flatmate. "Let me know if you need anything."

With a small nod, Alex got up, disappearing into the guest room. After a few seconds, she heard the front door open and close, and she reappeared with a pair of pajamas in her hand, the detectives having vacated the apartment.

"Alex," Abbie said, twisting on the couch. "Come here really quickly."

Still hugging her pajamas, Alex sat beside Abbie. She stared at the dark haired woman, her eyes blinking slowly. Abbie reached forward and gently wiped a stray tear from her cheek. "Hey, I want you to know that I care about you. I'm worried about you. I'm sorry for bombarding you. I'm sure the last thing you wanted to think about tonight was Peter. And, I want you to know that anything you need, any amount of space or distraction or referrals or whatever that you need, you can ask me for. I'll do my best to provide it to you."

Alex blinked for several seconds before she wiped her own face and set her pajamas down on the coffee table. Quietly, she curled her legs beside her and leaned against Abbie, the other woman lifting her arm so that Alex could lay against her. Abbie lowered her arm slowly around Alex, her fingers resting along Alex's arm. "Just hold me," Alex whispered. "Maybe if you tell me enough, I'll believe that I'm worth something."

Abbie pushed Alex's bangs back with her fingers. Gently, she pressed a kiss against Alex's forehead. "You're worth more than something, Alex," she murmured. "You're worth everything."

Alex's sob wracked her body, her fingers tightening on Abbie's shirt.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine.

"Alex," Clarissa said as she poked her head into Alex's office. "Nora's on the war path. She just walked into Elizabeth's office. I suggest you hide."

Staring at the unit secretary, Alex's eyes went wide as she paled. She knew exactly why Nora was pissed, too. Alex had just filed to go after a woman with the death penalty. The good part about working as a prosecutor for the New York District Attorney was that she had a lot of freedom in her cases. The bad part was that she had bosses who either threw her under the bus, took her cases, or force filed her cases for her in some instances. "I've been back a week, and, already, Mommy is pissed," Alex joked as she stood. "You're sure it's for my case?"

Clarissa nodded. "I didn't catch much before Donnelly shut her door, but Nora said something about reproductive choices and setting women's rights back. I'm guessing that's you."

Pressing her lips together, Alex nodded. "Alright. Well, wish me luck."

"I'll call the morgue," Clarissa said.

Alex smiled. Leave it to the other woman to know just what to say to perk her up. As if on cue, Alex's phone rang. "That's probably Liz. Thanks for the heads up." Alex picked up the phone. "Hi, Liz," she said.

"Cabot," Liz said, her voice tense.

"Right. Lewin's in your office about my case. I'm on my way," Alex murmured. As she hung up, she sighed. As much as she respected Nora for her position, she also had a hard time with the woman because of their conflicting political views.

Alex ducked out of her office and hurried down the hall, avoiding the wide eyed stare she got from one of the other attorneys. It was his way of letting her know just how screwed she was, but Alex took it in stride. As long as she was consistent in her own political moves, one day, she hoped to stand a chance in the political realm.

"You asked to see me?" she questioned as she pushed open Liz's office door.

Liz gestured quickly for Alex to enter the room and shut the door. Nora was not so merciful. "What's this about charging a woman with murder for an abortion?"

"It was performed at twenty nine weeks, Nora," Alex argued, pushing the door shut behind her. "I have an ME who will testify that the baby took a breath outside the womb, and a witness who said she heard the baby cry. She went to an abortion clinic, and they gave her an abortion. She participated in the murder of her child."

"Fine, so where are the charging documents charging the doctor and the nurse who performed the abortion?" Nora barked.

"I haven't filed any yet."

"Why not?"

Alex bit her lip. "Because the detectives are investigating the doctor for other illegally performed abortions. They're trying to find the women he gave those abortions to, and they're running up against unstackable odds. These are mostly women who sought him to have a very late term abortion, and I doubt any of them are going to confess to murdering their children. But, the nurse said it was not the first baby that she heard cry before it died. Those babies had a real good chance at survival outside of the womb with medical intervention – or, better yet, if their mothers had either gotten an abortion earlier in the pregnancy or chosen to give the baby up for adoption after it was born. That doctor is only in business because there is a market demand for his so-called services."

"And, the nurse?"

Alex sighed. "I gave her immunity in the murder charges. I have her cooperation through the trials, but as soon as she's done testifying, I'm going to charge her with facilitating an illegal abortion. If she really had problems with what the good doctor was doing, she could have quit the clinic or reported him to the medical board and the police. She's not innocent by any means, but I'm not getting her cooperation by charging her."

For a moment, Nora looked taken aback. Even Liz seemed shocked. "I have had a lot of free time on my hands to plan on how I want to execute this, Nora. For once, please just trust my judgment," Alex said, her voice soft.

Nora nodded. "Next time you come up with an elaborate scheme, Alex, tell me so I can back you. Please," she intoned.

"Sure," Alex said, exhaling slowly as she looked at Liz who looked just as relieved as Alex felt.

"How are you doing?" Nora continued.

Alex licked her lips. "I've been better, but I've been worse."

"Alright," Nora said.

When the DA Elect left, Alex sighed, sliding into a chair near Liz's desk. "That was almost a blood bath," she murmured.

"You're telling me. Why didn't you even tell me what you were doing? That would have been some awesome courtesy. I am your boss."

Alex pressed her lips together. "Sorry about that," she said. "I've been so caught up in all of this at home. I just kind of forgot there were other people in the office."

Liz nodded. "I don't know what's going on. Nora and Abbie have your case under cloak and daggar, and that's fine by me. But, you are taking time for yourself, right?"

"Yes," Alex answered. "Lauren and Ben took a couple of cases from me to lighten my load. They're smaller cases that are going to plead out anyway. First time, non-violent offenses. Still, it's one less thing for me to think about."

"If you need someone to handle other cases, Alex, let me know. I can reassign them. And, if you need a few days completely off, I don't mind handling the duty phone for the sixteenth," Liz offered.

"I appreciate that, Liz, but I don't mind the calls at night or on the weekends. They're a welcome distraction from spending my time worrying about the impending trial."

Liz offered a sincere smile. "Do you know if it's going to be closed?"

"Yes," Alex said. "The judge ruled on that shortly after Abbie filed. Not only are all hearings closed but the trial, if it comes to it, will be as well. Scorio's going to be the trial judge, though, and we both know he favours defense. The fact that the victim in the case is a prosecutor is just going to make Abbie's job all the more difficult."

"Perhaps," Liz said. "But, even he can't ignore the evidence. As long as the investigation and presentation is performed within the scope of the law, Abbie will be fine."

"I know," Alex answered. "I have faith in her. It's a jury that I worry about." Alex was grateful that Liz was her immediate supervisor. She had left things up to Alex in what and how much she could handle. She had never once asked Alex what had happened to her. And, more than that, as far as Alex could tell, she had not participated in the rumor mill. Given the secrecy in the case and the fact that Nora herself was handling it, some very interesting rumors had started. Most of them involved physical violence and ranged the gambit from felony assault due to Alex's position to rape to attempted murder to domestic violence. Alex had even had one ballsy attorney ask her if it was a kidnapping case. Alex had concocted a pretty monotone response, even when the rumors were close to the truth, about how there was a gag order in place and even Alex could not talk about the case.

"I can see why you want your own case load to focus on," Liz said, steering the subject away, something for which Alex was grateful. "Let me know if there's anything I can do."

"Thanks, Liz. You're not as bad as they say you are," she teased with a wink before she excused herself from her supervisor's office.

Fortunately for her, most of the rest of her day was spent sequestered in her office where she caught up on paperwork. Despite having done the minimum amount of work from Abbie's kitchen table, Alex had found her mind wandering too much to really be all that useful at her job. She had been prescribed sleeping medication which left her out cold from about eight in the evening until about noon the following day. The doctor had offered to write her a script for a lower dose, but Alex had declined on the logic that, at least while sleeping, it was less time to think. Most days, she was still barely keeping her food down.

Abbie had brought new charges against Peter for violating the restraining order and calling Alex. Since then, Alex had gotten a handful of hang up calls that turned out to be from pay phones, but Scorio would not revoke bail, so Alex lived in terror from every phone call she received until Nora had changed Alex's work number, updating the list that went out to the ADAs as well as the police departments. Alex had given the detectives the new number, and with a new phone number for her personal cell phone and a new number for work, Alex had been able to breathe easier knowing that the next phone call would not be from him. She was just grateful that he seemed to know better than to email her.

The circle around her was tightening, and it was in a good way. The detectives still called her from time to time, and Olivia had dropped by in the early afternoons a few times just to see how Alex was doing and if she needed anything. Alex had been grateful for the company. Occassionally, she would venture outside, but it was a lot more difficult to want to just go out when she knew her attacker was still out there. She did not drive often before, but she drove everywhere she went then. Abbie had requested a second spot in the parking garage below the complex, and Alex had happily shelled out the two hudred dollars to rent it for the month. It meant that not only did she not have to walk outside, but when she did park, her car was not in the open for everyone to see. Peter knew her make and model. It was bad enough, Alex thought, that he could easily follow her back to Abbie's from work.

Once Alex had been cleared to return back to work, the detectives all regularly stopped in, bringing her coffee or questions that she could have just as easily answered over the phone. She understood what they were doing, though. If Peter was watching the DA's office, he would be seeing a lot of law enforcement in and out throughout the day. Alex was also fairly certain that one of the detectives followed her back to Abbie's to make sure she got in because one of the unmarked crown vics was a regular image in her rear view mirror. None of the detectives admitted to it, but they, equally, did not seem concerned, either. On the advice of everyone, Alex did not stay late. At the insistance of Liz, who seemed a lot more intuitive than Alex realized, Alex was generally kicked out of the office around four forty.

Unless Abbie was with her, Alex did not go grocery shopping. She was worried about Peter being at the store. Abbie and Alex had not lived all that far apart, and it was likely that, if Peter was looking for her, he would start in the areas where he knew she had friends. That was mostly area by income, but Abbie lived in just such an area. So, Alex was cautious. She hated that she had to be. She hated that it was her lifestyle that was changing because of him, but she did it anyway. She would rather be afraid and alive than dead and bold.

Alex left at her usual time, with her usual brief case and case load in tow. She checked the rear view a handful of times, seeing the maroon crown vic so characteristic of the detectives just enough that she knew they were letting her know they were tailing her. At the entrance to the parking garage, Alex swiped her access card, pausing for a moment just under the roll down door, and she watched the crown vic stop just beyond the door. Deciding to be grateful, Alex held her hand out of her window and waved before driving down the ramp. By the time she peeked out of Abbie's living room window which overlooked the street, the car was gone.

A little while later, Alex woke to her arm being stroked, her name a soft whisper. "There you are," Abbie said with a warm smile. "I was starting to think you'd taken a pill. Why don't you get out of your office suit and go curl up in bed?"

Groggy, Alex stared at Abbie. "If I do that, I'll be up all night, even with a pill. Can I help you with anything?" she asked.

"No," Abbie answered. "By the time you go change, dinner will be ready. It's not fancy, just lasagna and toast and a salad."

"Not fancy my ass," Alex mumbled. She took in the woman in front of her. At some point while Alex had been napping, she had arrived home and changed, likely showering as well because that was what Abbie did when she got home from work. As far as Alex could tell, Abbie was enjoying her work at the AUSA's office. Her new role seemed to suit her. Alex could appreciate the fire that had returned to her eyes, something that had sorely been fading as the years wore on at the DA's office.

"Go change," Abbie scolded.

Alex laughed, but she went to her room to put on clothes that did not have to be dry cleaned. Truth be told, she often felt much better having changed into something looser and less form fitting. Alex had always erred on the side of conservatism in her outfits, the rape making her more determined to cover more skin, but with the loose shirt and track pants, she felt much more comfortable.

Leaving her clothes in a heap by the door, Alex snuck into the kitchen, sliding up behind Abbie as she broke lettuce leaves into two bowls for a salad. Careful and quiet, Alex wrapped her arms around Abbie's middle. She felt the other woman tense for just a moment, but when Alex pressed her lips to the back of Abbie's neck, she felt her relax into the soft embrace.

Abbie rested a hand on Alex's arm. "You could frighten a girl to death doing that, Lex," Abbie murmured. "What's gotten you all affectionate and cuddly?"

Alex smiled against Abbie's neck. "Nothing special," she murmured. "You're too sweet to me."

"Oh?" Abbie laughed. "You think being woken up and ordered to change clothes is sweet? You can stay as long as you want."

Abbie tried to step away, but Alex's arms tightened around her middle. "I meant for last night," she aswered. "The last thing I remember was falling asleep on the couch. I woke up in a bed this morning. You didn't have to do that."

"I thought, for sure, I woke you up when I lifted you. You gasped," Abbie mused, trailing her fingers over Alex's arm.

Alex smiled, pressing her lips to Abbie's neck again. "I did," she whispered. Alex felt Abbie freeze. "Don't be so tense. I know you do it every time I fall asleep with you." Alex relaxed her grip on Abbie, and the darker skinned woman turned in her arms, surprise mixed with hesitation on her face. Alex moved her hands to rest on Abbie's hips, taking a small step back to really be able to watch her face. "I told you, Abs, I didn't think I wanted to stop. I've been here for three weeks now, and that hasn't changed. Sometimes, when I wake up and you're combing my hair, I have to will myself to stay still because I know that, right before you get up and leave, you're going to kiss my temple, and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't do it if you knew I was awake."

"I'm sorry, Alex," Abbie murmured. "I shouldn't have done it. I should have asked."

"I'm not sorry, Abbie," Alex replied. "I'm not. If I didn't like it, I would have said something. I'm not so broken that I wouldn't tell you to stop."

Abbie nodded as if she understood, but her eyes told a different story. Sighing, Alex pressed her thumb up to Abbie's lips. Alex's eyes darted between Abbie's eyes and her mouth until Abbie opened her mouth, her lips just barely parting. Closing the distance between them, Alex pressed her lips first to her own thumb and then to Abbie's mouth as she slid her thumb from between them. Abbie hesitated a moment, but when she wrapped her arms around Alex's neck, the blond knew she had hit her mark.

It was Alex's turn to dominate a kiss, and she ran her tongue over Abbie's lips, pressing at the space between them just enough that Abbie knew. Slowly, Abbie's mouth opened, and Alex ran her tongue over Abbie's teeth. As the kiss deepened, Alex pushed Abbie back to the counter, picking her up by her hips. Abbie complied, jumping the tiniest bit to help Alex lift, her rear sliding over the counter, her own legs wrapping around Alex's hips and drawing her closer. As Alex nibbled at Abbie's lower lip, the dark haired attorney let out a soft sigh, evidently feeling content with the make out session.

Feeling daring, Alex broke the kiss, her mouth latching on to Abbie's jaw, peppering tiny kisses and nibbles along the bone until Abbie tipped her head back, giving Alex access to what she was really seeking. Alex's kisses dropped to trail Abbie's neck, from her jaw to her collar bone. As she worked her way back up, though, she made her way to the middle where she caught Abbie's jugular between her lips and sucked, raking her teeth just the slightest over Abbie's evidently sensative skin. The moan Abbie released vibrated against Alex's mouth and tongue, and Abbie's nails along her upper spine made Alex involuntarily shiver.

It was that shivering, though, that made Alex jump back. She recoiled against the refridgerator, her hands tucked to her chest, eyes wide. She whimpered when she felt a hand stroke her face. "Alex?" Abbie's voice sounded distant and faded. Without warning, Alex's nostrils filled with the scent of blood, rich and warm and rusty. It was intermingled by the scent of sex and fear, and she slid down the fridge, her hands covering her head as she sobbed.

"Alex," Abbie repeated, her voice low and close to Alex's body still. "Talk to me, honey. What are you seeing?"

"Blood," Alex whispered. "Oh, God, there's blood. It's all over the bedsheets. And it hurts. It feels like I'm on fire from the inside." Alex sobbed, whining into her hands as she struggled with the fine line between reality and memory.

"Okay, Alex. Listen to me. You're in my kitchen. It's Abbie. It's just you and me. No one else is here. No one's inside of you. No one is bleeding." Alex felt something cold in her hand, and something forced her fingers around it. Gradually, she became aware of the water dripping into her lap, and Abbie's presence seemed more solid than distant.

As Alex's eyes focused, she saw Abbie's soft smile. "There you are," Abbie murmured. "Do you know where you are?"

Alex nodded. "Your house," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I -" Alex bit her lip.

"You got turned on," Abbie said when Alex did not finish. "It's okay, Alex. It's okay to be turned on, and it's okay to be afraid."

Blinking, Alex nodded, though her focus had been drawn to the ice cube in her hand. "How did you-"

Abbie smiled. "It used to help me when I would have really bad panic attacks. I was hoping it would help you, too."

"It did," Alex murmured, still staring at the melting cube as though she had no idea what she was supposed to do with it now that it had worked its magic. Abbie picked it up and threw it in the sink, crouching back down to Alex's height. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Lex. You've done nothing wrong," Abbie murmured, stroking Alex's hair back.

Alex shook her head. "Now, you see how broken I am. Maybe we shouldn't -" Alex bit her lip, shaking her head, but she refused to continue.

"Alex, I fully respect whatever decision you make, but I don't see you as being broken. Hurt, yes, but not broken. And, certainly, still worthy of affection. Would you believe me if I said that I still wanted to kiss you?"

Alex laughed. "Why would you want to do that?"

"Because, I know you are more than what you see yourself as. And, what I see you as is a beautiful, cunning, and enchanting woman, Alex. Your smile is infectious. Your drive is admirable. Your passion is amazing. I've watched you for almost two years as you've blossomed into this amazing prosecutor, but that skill and that intellect has been there all along. And, Alex, that's what attracted me in the first place. Somebody else's actions don't change that about you. They don't make you less attractive or less worthy. And, I still want to kiss you."

"I'm afraid to feel good, afraid of what that means," Alex whispered.

Abbie smiled. "It means that you're not the twisted freak that you think you are. It means that it's not rape that turns you on because you sucking my neck, Alex, that was all you. You were in charge. You had control. If nothing else, it proves that you are a normal human being with a normal sex drive and normal sexual fantasies."

With a soft smile, Alex flushed. "Thank you, Abbie."

"Does that mean you'll let me kiss you?" Abbie asked. Alex nodded. She tensed for a moment, but as Abbie's fingers traced her lips, she began to relax. Abbie had not hurt her. Abbie had supported her and helped her and not judged her. And, as Abbie's fingers danced to Alex's cheeks, tracing her ears and her hair line, Alex found herself anticipating being kissed. When Abbie's lips met hers, they were soft and gentle and easy. There was no force and no drive. It was just soft and chaste and reassuring, and Alex melted beneath Abbie, the dark haired woman curling about her and holding her as they leaned against the fridge, sprawled out on the kitchen floor.

Alex grazed her fingers through Abbie's hair, twisting the lightly curled locks through her fingers. She glanced down at the woman practically lying in her lap and pressed her lips together, suppressing a wild grin. "You have docket tomorrow," she mumbled.

"And?" Abbie said, her voice suspect.

"That is one hell of a hickey, Carmichael," Alex teased. "You think Judge Randall isn't going to notice? Ooh, and your first trial in federal court, too." Alex traced the dark red mark with her fingers.

"Oh, God. I hope not," Abbie lamented.

"Hey, sit up a moment," Alex said. Abbie complied, and Alex stood up, grabbing a spoon from the drawer. She set it in the freezer before moving to stand over Abbie so that one foot was on either side of her hips.

Abbie watched Alex, legs out, leaning back on her elbows, careful not to touch her crush as she squatted down leaving Abbie face to not quite face with Alex's breasts. "Well, hello," Abbie said. "What brings you two down here on such a lovely day?"

Alex laughed, dropping to her knees and leaning over Abbie. One finger hooked under Abbie's chin, Alex kissed her softly. "I like this," she whispered.

Abbie offered a cheeky grin. "My kitchen floor?" she asked.

Alex smiled. "Kissing you," she answered. "It's different than kissing a man."

"It is," Abbie agreed. "Women are something else entirely. We're soft and warm and vulnerable, but we're also indestructible. And, uh, you in particular, you taste like lemon when I kiss you."

Alex flushed. "It was the only Chapstick flavour they hadn't sold out of, and I hate Carmex," she whined.

"Mm," Abbie hummed. "Well, I like it. Somehow, it suits you."

Alex smiled, pressing a light kiss to the corner of Abbie's mouth. "I'm not sure whether or not that's a compliment, counselor."

"Maybe I'm just trying to make you my lemonade," Abbie teased as she wrapped her arms around Alex's waist and leaned back, taking Alex with her. Alex stopped herself from lying on top of Abbie, crouched on all fours above her as Abbie lay down on the kitchen floor, her arms looped around Alex's neck. "If I didn't know any better, Lex, I would say you were a closet top."  
Shaking her head, Alex laughed. "I have no idea what you're talking about," she said, completely honest in her words. "I told you, I'm still naive."

"I know," Abbie murmured. "It's okay. I'll tell you some other time."  
Alex leaned down and kissed Abbie softly. "That spoon should be cold," she murmured. "Don't move."

Abbie nodded as Alex stood up, reaching into the freezer. When she knelt back down, she very lightly placed her weight on Abbie's hips, twirling the spoon between her fingers. "I read about this once. Does it work?"

"Sort of," Abbie said with a small smile. She stretched her neck out and let Alex press the cold spoon against her skin. "Do you ever feel like kids?"

"I thought that was the point," Alex said, lifting the spoon. "Well, it's less red."

"I'll take what I can get," Abbie mused. "I suppose I'll have to see how bad it is in the morning before I decide how much make up I'm going to need throughout the day. I can tell this is going to be dangerous territories with you."

"Why is that?" Alex asked, mildly worried.

Abbie smiled, though, and Alex knew it was okay. "Because, I like you, Alex. And, I like it when you kiss me, too."

"I'll stop leaving hickies where they'll get noticed," Alex promised. "You just have to agree to the same."

"Done," Abbie murmured. "If wearing long sleeves counts as not being noticed, is that okay?"

Alex considered as much, not really sure what Abbie had in mind. With little other information, Alex shrugged. "Sure. But, if scarves or turtle necks are needed, then it's off limits."

"I'll stipulate to that," Abbie mused with a soft grin. "Now, dinner is getting cold. Let me up so that we can both eat something."

Alex slid off Abbie with an absent smile as she considered what had just transpired. While she had never thought of herself as straight, she realized she had just made the surest leap into bisexuality that could possibly be made, especially making out with her housemate. She worried about her attraction to Abbie, though. She was in no position, emotionally, to tell if it was because she was actually attracted to her former supervisor or if it had something to do with the fact that Abbie was supportive and caring and right there. She had been the rebound girl herself, and even though she did not consider her situation a rebound situation, she knew how much it hurt to be that girl. She did not want to do that to Abbie.

Still, Abbie had made her position in the matter perfectly clear, and there weren't many secrets between her and Alex. At least, not on Alex's part about the rapes which, at that point, was probably the biggest thing between her and Abbie. Alex considered what it would mean, too, to date a woman as a Cabot. Her mother probably would not care too much that Abbie was a woman, but her father would definitely mind. It would be one thing to take a friend as her date to a charity fundraiser. It would be another entirely to date the woman. Not that he would protest much, but he would remind her that she had a great deal of political potential and that society was not accepting of homosexual relationship. And, that was where he would take issue.

"Hey, Abs," Alex murmured as she twisted in Abbie's arms as they lay in bed, Alex almost asleep, emotionally exhausted from the day.

"Yea?" Abbie asked after a moment when Alex did not continue.

"Stay with me," Alex murmured, curling tighter against Abbie.

Abbie stroked Alex's hair, working her fingers through the small knots that had developed. "Of course, Lexie," Abbie murmured. "I've got you."

It did not take Alex long to fall asleep. There was something about knowing that her nightmares could not get her that made it easier to sleep. The lavendar and mint scent of Abbie's shampoo covered the memory of blood and rust and salt and semen. Even the pillows and the blankets of the guest bed had a minty scent to them courtesy of the fact that Alex had used Abbie's shampoo on several occasions just to feel comfortable.

In her sleep, Alex wrapped herself around Abbie, coiling closer into her so that Abbie had to roll onto her back to stop Alex from cuddling so close that she pushed her off. At one point, Abbie woke up to Alex whimpering and shuddering. "No, please," Alex whined in her sleep.

"It's okay, Alex," Abbie murmured, sleep still thick on her tongue. She wrapped her arms around Alex, rubbing her back gently. "No one's here."

Alex yelped, bolting out of Abbie arms, sitting up in the bed, her eyes wide. She stared forward for several seconds, her chest rising and falling rapidly before she screamed. Abbie held on to Alex, stroking her cheek and trying to get her to calm down, but when nothing elicited a response from the blond, Abbie realized that she was still sleeping. She waved her hand in front of Alex's face, but she did not even blink. After a moment, Alex's body slumped, and her head drooped on the pillow, silence covering the room again.

Sighing, Abbie pressed a chaste kiss to Alex's forehead. Alex twitched in her sleep, but Abbie would have sworn she saw her smile as well. Gently, Abbie traced Alex's palm with her fingers until Alex closed her own fingers around Abbie's. "You're such a beautiful woman, Alex," Abbie murmured. "He tried to steal it from you. I won't – I won't let him."

Alex twisted in her sleep, turning into Abbie. Eventually, Abbie fell back to sleep, her body still wrapped around Alex's body when she woke up the next morning to something tickling her nose and mouth. As she blinked awake, she found herself looking through strands of her own hair at grey eyes that held a sparkle to them she had not seen before. "Well," she mused, "look who woke up in a good mood."

Alex just smiled, biting her lower lip almost seductively. "You stayed."

"Um, yea. Is that okay?" Abbie asked.

Nodding, Alex replaced Abbie's hair against her mouth with her lips. "I asked you to," Alex answered. She bit her own lower lip before capturing Abbie's lip between her teeth. "I'm grateful for it. You're, um, you're cute sleeping."

Abbie laughed. "Counselor, I think you're flirting."

Alex smiled. "Maybe," she mused, picking up the clump of hair she had been playing with and tickling Abbie's nose.

"Oh?" Abbie teased, wrapping her arms around Alex and pulling her on top of her. Laughing, Alex nestled between Abbie's legs, propping herself up above her. "You're so incredible." Abbie reached up and brushed Alex's hair back, twirling it between her fingers.

Leaning over, Alex pressed her lips against Abbie's gently a couple of times, deepening the kiss on the third time. Abbie sucked Alex's tongue into her mouth, arcing herself up to keep her contact close with Alex. After a moment, Abbie moved her mouth to Alex's ear lobe, taking the skin between her teeth and sucking gently. Alex groaned. "Abbie," she whispered. Abbie's tongue flicked over the lobe, and Alex's mouth dropped open as she whined. "Abbie."  
Abbie released Alex's ear, kissing her mouth once more. "You okay?" Abbie asked.

Alex nodded. "Yea," she murmured, licking her lips. She kissed Abbie's lips, using her fingers to raise Abbie's chin, giving her access to her neck, peppering it with kisses. "That hickey isn't too bad. You might just need a little makeup."

With a laugh, Abbie nipped at Alex's nose. "Then, I guess you better let me up so I can go do that. I have a trial that starts in three hours. And, you have a motions hearing in six. You'll let me know how it goes?"

"Of course," Alex teased. It was one of Abbie's old cases, one that the prosecutor had been attached to and loathe to leave. Alex knew the only reason Abbie had not stayed with the case was because she was the one who was picking it up. Sitting up, Alex watched Abbie for a few seconds. "Thank you."

"What for?"

"Just being," Alex answered as she stood up.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: I haven't done an AN in this story, yet. I didn't realize it. I apologize. I feel like I should definitely reach out to everyone reading this fic. First, it is a heavy topic, and I want to reiterate what I mentioned initially - if it triggers you in any way, please do not hesitate to reach out for positive, supportive assistance, whatever that means for you. Second, I did not expect nearly so many people to be reading an Abbie/Alex fiction as there are. Thank you. Be honest, is this a ship that people will generally follow? If so, I'll write more of them. I'm certainly not opposed. Abbie is a dynamic character, and I would not mind playing with her. If not, and you're reading just because it's me writing, then you have no idea just how flattered I am. Really, I am stunned and warmed by how many people are continuously reading any of my works. And, I am grateful to the patience exhibited by so many as I struggle with my muse in some of those same works. As always, thank you for reading. Thank you for reviewing. Your honest feedback is helpful. DMAA**

Chapter 10

Licking her lips, Alex watched opposing counsel do her song and dance around the courtroom, the defendant answering her questions calmly. It was all too easy. She loved it when defendants lied to their defense counsel about alibis and excuses and events. People genuinely thought they were helping their case, but when they failed to keep their lies straight, it was her job to catch them in their net of lies. And, really, she enjoyed doing it.

"So, Mister King," Alex said as she stood up and smoothed her skirt down, playing with the buttons on her jacket, catching the man's attention. He stared at her stomach, and she recognized the lust in his eyes. But, she was just his type: tall, thin, and blond. Still, the darkness in his eyes as he looked at her made her heart race in the worst possible way. "Your testimony is that yea, okay, you had sex with Mina Gutierrez, but it was totally consensual?"

"Yea, that's what I'm sayin'," he said, and Alex knew that he was biting his tongue to not call her a bitch.

"Do you remember the first time you talked to police?"

"Sure, I guess." He shrugged.

"Do you remember if you talked about Mina Gutierrez?"

Again, he shrugged. "Yea, I suppose."

Nodding her head, Alex picked up the written script of the recorded interview. "Can you read the highlighted portion of People's Exhibit D?" She handed him the paper and tapped the portion she wanted him to read.

She watched his face fall when he read it over.

"Mister King, would you please read it aloud for the jury? The part where you were talking to Detective Benson," Alex pressed.

"Uh, 'Yea, I don't know any bitches by that name. I haven't had sex in weeks. You offering?'" He frowned and shook his head. "That's not what I meant by that."

"Oh?" Alex asked. "So, you didn't mean to tell Detective Benson that you didn't know Mina or that you hadn't had sex even though your sperm was found inside of Mina just one day prior? What about Lisa Taylor and Stephanie Robinson? Did you have sex with them that same week? Or, does what you did to them not count as sex to you? Maybe you hadn't had sex in weeks. Maybe you just raped several women in a handful of days."

"Look, bitch," he snarled, practically leaping out of his seat causing Alex to jump backward. "I did them, and I'd do you, too, if given the chance."

Alex blinked, bringing her composure back to a professional level. "What if I said no?" she asked, pulling her glasses from her face and nibbling on the ear piece.

"Fuck you, bitch."

Nodding, Alex pushed her glasses back on her face. "No further questions."

As soon as the court room was clear, Alex set her briefcase back down and sat down, sighing. Her stomach was twisted, and her heart was still racing as she chewed at her lip. Having a known rapist tell her that he would happily rape her if given the opportunity was more than a little unnerving.

"You doing alright, counselor?" a soft voice asked.

Alex looked up to find both Munch and Fin in the court room with her, Fin closer to her than Munch, but both looking concerned. "Yes, thank you," Alex mumbled, tucking her fist against her stomach.

"He's a creep, but you got him," Fin said as he sat down near Alex. "There ain't no way a jury's letting him off what he did to those three women." Tentatively, he placed a hand on Alex's shoulder, the blond attorney covering his hand with her own. She wrapped her fingers around Fin's, squeezing tightly. Fin squeezed her shoulder. "You got this, Teflon. You've already proven yourself in this court hundreds of times over."

"It's been two months," Alex whispered. "When do I have to stop proving myself in my own life?"

"It hasn't been two months, Alex," Munch reminded her. "Not since the second attack. You're back on your feet here, but you have to give yourself time in your private life as well. The progress you've made is phenomenal, but that doesn't mean you need to push yourself. How about we give you a ride home?"

"I brought my own car. Thank you, though." Alex shook her head, chewing at her lip. "I have errands to run, anyway."

"Sure thing, Cabot," Fin mumbled, releasing her shoulder as the attorney stood up, collecting her belongings. Both Fin and Munch remained silent, but they walked her to her car back at the DA's office, something she was grateful for. And, moreover, she knew that they would follow her back to Abbie's to make sure she got home safely.

They did, and she pulled her car into the garage, waving at them as they drove past. That time, for the first time, Fin stuck his hand out of the window and waved back. Alex had no idea why, but that made her feel strangely better.

By the time Abbie was home from her office twenty minutes later, Alex had commandeered the larger of the two bathrooms which was attached to Abbie's bedroom, her hair supplies and makeup everywhere. The door was partially cracked, and Abbie knocked before pushing it open and sliding behind Alex, wrapping her arms around Alex's waist. "Hey, Lexie," Abbie murmured as Alex set the straightener down. "I have something for you."

"Oh?" Alex teased, watching Abbie's eyes in the mirror since the proximity to her body would not allow her to turn around.

"Mmhm," Abbie mused, pressing a soft kiss into Alex's neck before opening her fist at Alex's abdomen and holding the tiny treasure out. Alex's eyes darted down to the tennis bracelet splayed out over Abbie's fingers before she delicately picked it up and twisted it between her fingers.

It was a white gold piece with deep red rubies and pink sapphires strung along without a predictable pattern. "Oh, my God, Abs," she breathed. "It's beautiful. You didn't -"

"I figure it's about the only time you're ever going to let me get you something nice, so I thought I would take advantage of the occasion. Try it on, please?" Abbie mewled, picking the bracelet back up and draping it over Alex' wrist before clasping it.

Alex shook her wrist so the bracelet fell naturally against her skin with its weight as she marveled at the piece. "It's really stunning, Abbie. Thank you." She looked back to Abbie's eyes in the mirror before she twisted around in Abbie's arms and looped her own arms around Abbie's neck. "I have the best girlfriend ever," she murmured into Abbie's ear.

"Damn right you do," Abbie replied, lifting Alex and setting her gently on the sink as she kissed her. "Now, do I get my bathroom back to get ready?"

Smiling, Alex pulled Abbie closer, wrapping her legs around the Texan's hips. With a sultry look, she shook her head and bit her lower lip. Abbie laughed, kissing Alex tightly once more, her tongue running along Alex's warm lips. When Alex opened her mouth in response though, Abbie pulled away, smiling. Alex pouted, giving Abbie wide eyes, her lips just barely parted.

"That," Abbie murmured, running her finger along Alex's lower lip. "That space, right there, yea, it kills me." Alex smiled, her tongue chasing Abbie's finger. "Oh, yea, and that. But, don't think that you're going to break me, Cabot. You get your kiss when I get my bathroom back."

"Then, I guess you're going to have to wait," Alex teased, unwrapping her legs from Abbie and sliding off the counter. "Now, shoo. I still have to finish my hair and make up and change."

Alex made quick work of her hair, straightening the lot. Her hair was getting longer, but it was still much shorter than she had ever had it before. Doing anything with it but leaving it down was proving difficult. Her make up was both subtle and bright with a pale pink and grey eye shadow and ruby red lips, just a hint of blush, and mascara to make her eyes pop.

Satisfied, Alex relinquished control over Abbie's bathroom for the sanctuary of her own room where she changed into the red dress she had purchased a month and a half prior, the charm in the back bouncing between her shoulder blades. With a pair of red heels to match and a small white purse with a gold chain, Alex examined herself in the mirror. She shook the new tennis bracelet down, enjoying the way it felt on her wrist knowing that, for the most part, she was enjoying it because of where the gift came from. That Abbie had gone out of her way to find it meant something to Alex, and, despite their barely a month dating status, she felt very close to the Texan. Perhaps it was because they were already living together and had been since before Alex had admitted to returning many of Abbie's emotional sentiments. Or, perhaps it had something to do with their long time friendship.

When she finally stepped from her own room, Abbie was in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water. "What do you think?" Alex asked

Abbie stopped mid-gulp and set the glass down. "Wow," she breathed, staring at Alex over the counter. "I mean. Wow. Alex. God, you make that dress look good."

Alex smiled. "Are you ready?"

"Yea," Abbie said, grabbing her own handbag and darting around the kitchen counter into the living room.

Alex stopped as she looked Abbie over. "Damn it, Carmichael," she whistled. "You better be coming home with me tonight because I can tell you right now, someone's going to try to convince you otherwise."

"Where else would I go?" Abbie murmured. Tan near the beginning of fall, Abbie's dark skin stood in warm, rich contrast against the silver of her dress. With her hair down in curls, she looked nothing like the strict prosecutor Alex knew her to be. In fact, she almost looked gentle. Really, as she slowly blinked, she looked more like a sex symbol than anything, and Alex was very well versed in those. Art and its history had been drafted full of them. The dress was a strapless number, and Abbie's black shawl fell into the crooks of her arms, draped across her back. A black stripe up the side of the dress drew Alex's attention to a slit cut up her leg that Alex could guarantee was going to get attention but erred on the side of caution more than provocation. Complete with black heels and a black clutch, Abbie smiled as she stepped close to Alex, her lips almost brushing the other woman's. "You see something you like?"

Alex just smiled, shaking her head as she looped her arm in Abbie's kissing her cheek. Laughing softly, she reached up and pushed the lipstick smudge from Abbie's skin. "Maybe," she murmured, releasing Abbie's arm and trotting down the hall. As a Cabot, Alex could be equal parts grace and goof in a pair of heels and an expensive dress. Once they reached the public venue, she would be straight backed and proper. When it was just Abbie, Abbie who knew her at her worst and still cared for her, she felt more comfortable goofing off and slouching just a little.

Laughing as she shook her head, Abbie locked up behind them, catching up with Alex at the elevator. "So, what's the run down for this gathering?" she asked as they both stepped into the elevator, each becoming almost rigid in their roles.

"Joan Kiminsky runs a financial advisement firm specializing in the one percent clients," Alex explained. "Her husband, John, is a corporate litigator who spends most of his time in DC. He's flying back tonight specifically for the event, but he'll be out on the first flight tomorrow morning. He's a known flirt, so if you want to tease a little, he'd appreciate it." Alex winked. "Oh, and Joan doesn't mind. I'll explain why when we get there if it's not self evident." Alex gave a coy smile.

"Just a heads up, Lewin was invited. It's an environmental fundraiser, not a criminal law related one, so she might or might not be there. McCoy already said he'll be there. Andrew Dryden and his wife Leslie will likely be there, and you can pretty much guarantee Chris Hemmingway will be there. We all know he's got several felony warrants, mostly for property damage related crimes. It's one night we keep our mouths shut as prosecutors. It's kind of an unspoken deal. Don't say anything. Celia and Kammy Wright will be in. They're almost identical. Whatever you do, don't call either of them Miss Wright, and if you can't tell the difference, just shy away from names. Celia has a small freckle by her left eye if you need to tell the difference. I know half of the senate committee will be there, but I never know which half. They're always all invited."

They climbed into the back of a cab that had been called by the front desk already, and Alex leaned forward to give the man the address. Sighing, she leaned back into the seat. "I'll introduce you to some of the powers that be in the environmental world. If you don't know them already, take their names. You're an AUSA. You can almost bet within a few months, you'll have half of them owing you some major favours, and not for looking the other way. Oh, and, before we get there -" Alex stopped talking and pressed her mouth to Abbie's, opening her mouth and deepening the kiss. She sucked on Abbie's tongue in her mouth, folding her own around Abbie's as she drew the woman closer to her. Pulling back, Alex smiled briefly. "I gave you your bathroom back."

Abbie smiled and laughed before reaching out and rubbing her finger over Alex's lips. "We're wearing the same colour lipstick now," she mused.

"Oh well," Alex mused, reaching into her bag and pulling out a compact mirror. She fixed her smeared lipstick before passing the mirror to Abbie. "I doubt anyone will notice, anyway." She smiled, leaning over Abbie just enough to be able to press her lips to the top of Abbie's chest leaving behind a subtly shimmering mark that said she had been claimed. As Alex sat up, admiring her mark, she smiled faintly.

Abbie, for her part, was doing her best to keep her breathing under control. "Definitely a natural top," she mused, her eyes darting from Alex to the cabbie who was intermittently watching them.

"You keep saying that, but you won't tell me what it means," Alex whined.

Abbie laughed. "I'm surprised you haven't researched it by now," she teased. "I'll tell you when we get home."

"I'm holding you to it," Alex intoned with a small huff. She leaned back in the seat, and they chattered about evironmental politics for the remainder of the cab ride.

They slipped in to the event largely unnoticed, and Alex reached out and touched Abbie's wrist. "I forgot to tell you that my parents are also going to be here," she murmured. "When I told my father about the rape, he blamed me. I haven't spoken to him since."

Nodding, Abbie gave Alex's hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm here for you, Alex, in whatever capacity you want me to be," she said. "Even if that means that we avoid them. I'm not letting you do this on your own." Abbie rubbed her thumb over the back of Alex's hand. "You're not alone, Princess."

Alex smiled. "Thank you, Abs," she murmured, giving the Texan's hand a hard squeeze before dropping her fingers and picking up two glasses of wine, handing one to Abbie.

"It's an art gallery," Abbie said as she glanced around. "You didn't tell me that."

Alex laughed. "I'm sorry. Yes, it's an art gallery and a dinner. I'm sure there's a silent auction somewhere. Just trinkets, tickets for sporting events, signed paraphernalia, whatever. It's different each gala. Joan's got several athletes and musicians as clients to her firm, and they're all the more happy to donate for the cause."

They meandered. True to her word, Alex introduced Abbie to several political powerhouses while fielding compliments about her own garb and political promotions. Really, she seemed as if she were in her element, and Abbie was almost content to just sit back and watch. In the past few weeks, Alex had opened herself up to Abbie in a way that, Abbie speculated, Alex had not done before. It was the kind of cracking open that could not be done before one's parents. Nor, she thought, could it be done prior to having one's entire trust betrayed, and Alex had had such a thing happen to her quite viciously.

"Alex," an older man said as he walked up to where Alex and Abbie had their heads together with a congressman and an investor discussing the merits and draw backs of fracking both in the long term and immediate futures. Alex turned to look at him, and Abbie watched her stiffen in response. "Can we have a moment?"

Alex smiled, nodding softly. "Excuse me a moment," she said to her companions, her eyes focusing on Abbie for a second longer than necessary, indicating for her to stay with present company while also communicating that she knew she was entering into dangerous emotional territory. Abbie nodded, the warm smile never fading.

Alex followed the man out of the main room of the gallery to a second room where they sat on a bench in the middle of the empty room. "You have to know I haven't been trying to avoid you," he began.

"I know," Alex said. "Truth be told, it's better that you didn't call. I wouldn't have answered any way. I suppose you heard that the restraining order was upheld by a second judge?"

"Yes," he answered. "Peter said the DA is prosecuting him, too." Alex nodded slowly. "What kind of evidence are we talking?"

Alex bit her lip. "Law enforcement officers found me on the floor of my kitchen. He had beaten me so badly that I was bleeding internally. The doctors said that another hour, and I would have been a corpse. I got lucky. When he first came in, I tried to call the police, and he took my phone and broke it, Daddy. And, when he was done, he left me so badly broken as well that I couldn't even move to save my own life. Abbie charged him with attempted murder."

"Do you think she'll be able to prove it?" he asked.

"Do you think that he did it?" Alex asked. "Do you think he tried to hurt me? Or do you think it was some kind of accident? Or do you think I'm lying about it being him at all?"

Her father shook his head. "Alex, that's not what I meant, and you know it. I'm trying to understand how such a sweet boy suddenly turned."

Alex chuckled darkly. "I don't know if you'll ever understand it," she said, shaking her head. "I don't know why you would want to. Why do you need to know more than the fact that he hurt me? He nearly killed me, Daddy, and you haven't once said that you're glad I'm okay or asked me how I'm doing mentally or even hugged me and told me it'll be alright. Don't you get that? I'm your daughter. You're supposed to believe me, not question me. You realize he's attacked me twice, now. I have no idea why the violence has been out of nowhere. Maybe I didn't notice the subtle signals, the ones that should have told me he was going to break. I've spent two months agonizing over it, thinking I somehow did something wrong, that I sent him the signal that it was okay to be so violent with me as to make me bleed like that."

"He attacked you twice?" George Cabot asked, his brow raised.

Alex nodded. "It's the second attack that he's being prosecuted for. He came over to my apartment, drunk. He was pissed off about the restraining order. He said he lost his job because of it." Alex shook her head. "There was so much blood on the kitchen floor. When he was kicking me, he perforated my uterus. I can't have children any more." Alex blinked rapidly, forcing the tears back.

George shook his head. "I just – I have such a difficult time seeing him do something like that. I know you wouldn't lie, Aly, but it just doesn't fit with this idea of who he was. I just want to understand."

Frustrated and trying not to cry, Alex closed her eyes, counting slowly. A hand touched Alex's shoulder, but Alex knew from the feel that it was not her father's hand. She covered the Texan's warm hand with her own, squeezing it softly. "Are you okay?" Abbie whispered. Alex started to nod but then shook her head. Biting the inside of her cheek, Abbie stepped around so that she was in front of both Cabots. "Mister Cabot, my name's Abigail Carmichael. I'm prosecuting Peter for what he did to your daughter."

The older man nodded. "Do you think you'll win your case?"

"I do," Abbie said, confidence unwavering in her voice. "I believe that he needs to pay for what he did to Alex and that prison is a very appropriate place for him." Alex stared at Abbie, her lower lip tucked between her teeth in a show of vulnerability and grief. Abbie rubbed her thumb over Alex's shoulder. "I'm so sorry that he has put you and your family through this."

Alex knew Abbie was very carefully placing blame on Peter, making it abundantly clear that it was his fault for what happened, not Alex's and not her father's. She appreciated the subtlety.

"I just don't understand," George said. "He was such a sweet man. Aly's mother and I genuinely thought that they would get married. What happened?"

Abbie shook her head. "I'm not sure, sir," she answered. "All I know is that men like that, who rape, do so for the sense of power they gain over their victims and their own lives. A victim in no way holds responsibility. Peter chose to rape Alex, and that's all that matters as far as the case is concerned."

George still looked dubious. "Miss Carmichael, I've worked in civil litigation my entire life," he said, his words soft but firm. Abbie could tell that he was accustomed to getting his way simply because of the power he wielded. Despite the distance that society had moved in equalizing women under the law, they still had a lot of catching up to do in the good old boys club. Alex and Abbie fought for their power and reputation every step of the way, often having to be twice as good as a man to gain half of the respect. Under her hand, Abbie felt Alex stiffen. "I don't know much about the criminal element, but surely a rapist is a nasty, vile man all the way around. I don't understand how he could be so sweet. There's no way he could have been provoked?" He cast a furtive glance at Alex, and Abbie felt her body trembling under her touch.

Abbie shook her head. "A rapist rapes when he feels that his control has been lost. Often times, this occurs as a result of rejection, and not necessarily by the woman he defiles. A rapist may perceive his control to be lost if he loses his job, is passed up for a promotion at work, is turned down for a date, or even if someone gets in front of him in a line at the supermarket. The smallest acts can act as the trigger, but, ultimately, it is the decision of the rapist to commit the act."

"So, Aly saying she didn't want to have sex with him could have been enough. Or, her getting the restraining order that caused Peter to lose his job?" he asked.

Abbie blinked, glancing apologetically at Alex.

"I'm still here," Alex said through gritted teeth.

Abbie shook her head. "I think you're missing the point, sir," she said. "Peter chose to rape Alex. A normal man, when his partner tells him that she doesn't want to have sex accepts that and moves on. A normal man doesn't beat and violate his partner or cause her to feel afraid enough of him that she turns to the court for help and safety. A normal man does not beat a woman almost to death and then leave her on the floor to die a long, slow, painful death. Despite appearances, you only saw Peter when he was in control."

"But, if he's a rapist, then there's other victims. Surely, he's lost a job or been turned down before."

"There probably are. On average, a single rapist has over one hundred victims throughout his or her lifetime, likely more. Rape is one of the most under reported crimes in the nation, in part because the victims of the crime are often more closely scrutinized than the perpetrator. It makes victims less likely to come forward and, when they do, they often find themselves disbelieved, ridiculed, and even blamed by family, friends, and anyone associated with the case."

"But -" George began.

Abbie cut him off. "No. With all due respect, sir, there are no 'buts.' The victim in the attack is not at fault regardless of the relationship between the attacker and his victim. Alex did nothing to bring this on. She has every right to tell anyone that she does not want to have sex with them and to expect that her wishes regarding her own body will be honored and respected. Her rights are not diminished because she is in a relationship. Nor are they diminished because she is a woman. Peter committed a heinous crime, of which, the victim was your daughter. I strongly suggest you man up and be the father she needs right now or stay away from her because your attitude of blame and ridicule are more damaging and hurtful. For all intents and purposes, sir, you are kicking your own daughter while she is down. And, Alex does not deserve that kind of cruelty."

Alex stared at Abbie, her eyes wide. She glanced back to her father, swallowing. "I would prefer it if you and mom did not approach me or speak with me the rest of the evening," Alex said. "Abbie's right. If you're just going to try to find ways to blame me for this, then I don't want anything to do with you. When you realize that this is Peter's fault and his fault alone, you have my number." Alex stood, walking away, Abbie protectively behind her, following her.

"I'm sorry, Alex," Abbie whispered.

"I'm not," Alex said. "Thank you." There was just enough of a quiver to her voice that she side stepped into the bathroom as she walked by, Abbie slipping in with her, locking the door behind them both. "I can't believe what he said back there." She shook her head. "It's my fault I was raped because I didn't consent, and then it's my fault I was attacked again, and it's my fault that Pete lost his job." She sighed, leaning over the sink, her stomach in knots.

"It's not your fault, Alex," Abbie murmured, rubbing her back.

"Thank you," Alex murmured. "You stood up for me against my father." She laughed. "Not many people would do that."

Abbie smiled, giving Alex a quick peck on the cheek. "Hey, I don't care if he's the Pope, no one gets to treat you like that."

Smiling, Alex twisted so that she was leaning back against the counter, Abbie's body close to hers. Abbie's skin was darker than Alex's naturally, though the ease with which the federal prosecutor tanned while Alex had to fight for any other color besides white was apparent as Alex spread her fingers over Abbie's shoulder. Alex trailed her fingers over Abbie's collar bone and down to the lipstick mark still barely visible against her skin. Only at the right angle of light was it caught. Alex's fingers touched the mark, smearing it just a little.

"What's wrong?" Abbie asked. Alex shook her head. "Talk to me, honey."

"I keep wishing the nightmare weren't real, but, then, I'd still be with him, and I'm just starting to realize that even though I thought I was happy with him, I wasn't. The entire time, there was still this ache in my soul. Maybe that's why I turned him down sexually, why I was never quite ready. I can't help but think that I strung him along in other ways. It was politically convenient for us to be together. It made sense. A Feldman and a Cabot. We're both old money." Alex shrugged. "That's what I get, I guess."

"It doesn't mean you deserve to be violated, Alex," Abbie said, reaching over and pushing away a stray tear. "Your political or social status is not an excuse to abuse you, no matter where on the spectrum you fall. Like anyone else, Alex, you deserve to be respected and loved for who you are."

Alex smiled. "You keep saying that."

"I told you," Abbie reminded her, raking her fingers through Alex's hair, "I'm going to keep saying it until you realize that it's the truth." Alex searched her eyes as if looking for the lie behind everything. When she found nothing, she leaned forward, her head tucked under Abbie's chin. The Texan wrapped her arms around Alex. "I've got you, honey."

Nodding, Alex pulled away. "We should go rejoin everyone," she murmured. "Not that they'll miss us, but I don't want to be rude."

Abbie nodded. "Can I kiss you, first?" she asked.

Stiffening, Alex shook her head, pressing herself sharply back against the counter. "No," she whispered, but her eyes were not watching Abbie. She wrapped her arms around her chest as she blinked, her mind racing erratically. Abbie took a small step back but did not go far as she made a mental note to not ask that question again any time soon. After a few seconds, Alex's flickering eyes landed on Abbie, focusing. "I'm sorry, he -"

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Alex," Abbie murmured. "And, you don't owe me an explanation."

Alex bit her lip, nodding. Reaching out, she grabbed Abbie's wrist, pulling it to her chest. She cradled Abbie's hand between her own, hesitating a moment before bringing Abbie's fingers to her lips and pressing a soft kiss against her skin. "You have no idea how happy I am you sent me that email. You have been everything I have needed through all of this, including the stark reminder that I am human."

"Why else have friends?" Abbie mused, surprised when Alex pressed her mouth against hers. She enjoyed the feeling of being wanted by the blond as well as the fact that Alex clearly felt safe around Abbie. The Texan could not explain the desire to protect Alex, only that it was a long held one, ever since Alex stepped foot in her office, a Baby DA full of spit and fire and vinegar and an innate vulnerability that Abbie had never been able to put her finger on. Of course, in meeting Alex's father that night, she could understand it. Strong, independent, and driven, Alex had been softened for her father's sake, the older attorney clearly not fond of his daughter acting out of turn. That Alex had been so ready to bite her tongue told Abbie that she had made it a goal in her life to make her father proud of her. The fact that he seemed to have trouble believing Alex had produced genuine hurt in Alex. Abbie knew she was not accustomed to it, and it broke her heart a little to think that Alex probably had no idea about her father's opinions on sexual assault until she had been a victim herself. More, it angered her that he was willing to believe that his daughter had somehow caused her own rape and near death experience.

Alex smiled, kissing Abbie's cheek. "Thank you, Abs," she murmured as she twisted out of the Texan's arms and lead the way out of the bathroom.

They rejoined the small crowd in the gallery, picking up as if they had never stepped away. Abbie marveled at Alex's ability to compartmentalize. Most women she knew could do it, but the phenomenal control Alex had over her reactions was frightening. It was as though she had not just symbolically thrown her parents out of her life.

By the time they got home, Abbie was exhausted. She had talked to more strangers that night than she thought she had in her entire life, and all of them were wealthy or powerful, many of them both. Abbie had been hit on by John Kiminsky, and she had taken the coquettish remarks in stride, often returning with some of her own while still making it clear that she considered herself off the market. The man had unabashedly hit on Alex, as well, though he had held a little more tact with her after Alex gently reminded him that when she was two, she had thrown up on his favorite tie. It was hard to see a person as a sexual being while imagining them as a child without being a pedophile. Abbie had recognized Alex's technique and had held a private chuckle over it.

To her surprise, Abbie had also been hit on by Joan Kiminsky, apparently openly bisexual and openly poly-amorous if the fact that one of the fire fighters from that year's calendar was publicly her date to the dinner. Abbie was in no place to judge despite being more than a little shocked and thrown from her comfort zone. New York was certainly a lot more liberal than her native Texas. Then again, she figured that was why she stayed. Despite her cynicism and conservatism, Abbie was a little more liberal than most of her family.

"What did you think?" Alex asked as she sat down on the couch in the living room, having changed into pajamas, blue slippers replacing her red heels.

Abbie sighed, handing Alex a cup of tea. "I think I'm very ready for bed. I never had the political aspirations that you do, Cabot. I don't know how you keep up." She shook her head, sitting down beside the blond and wrapping an arm loosely around her middle.

Leaning into Abbie, Alex drew tiny patterns on her thigh with her fingers. "Stay with me tonight," Alex mused. "Please? After what happened with Daddy, I just -"

As Alex trailed off, Abbie's grip tightened, becoming more protective over the woman. "I was wondering when you were going to let that impact you," she mused. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Alex shrugged. "My father was under the same delusion that I was, that Peter's this perfect guy. He had a great job. He owns several properties, cars. He even owns a yacht. His credit history is perfect. He has no criminal history, not even an arrest – at least, not until now. By all accounts, he's squeaky. And, on top of that, he courted me. He didn't just date me, Abbie. He planned wonderful dates. He asked my parents' permission to ask me out. He gifted them and courted them as much as he did me. My father even approved of him staying over some nights if we got home late and he was tired or the weather was bad. He slept on the couch. Hell, Abs, he used to tuck me in some nights. He was, by every account, a gentleman. I can't blame my father for having a hard time believing that he raped me. I have a hard time. I keep thinking back to that night about everything I did up until that point, how I must have egged him on or made him think it was okay, but I know I didn't. I know the fault it with him, but I was just so stunned it was impossible to imagine. Despite my job, Abs, it didn't really sink in that it was his fault until the second attack. When he left me for dead, that's when I realized he knew exactly what he did."

Abbie said nothing as she held Alex, her thumb rubbing up and down her arm. Finally, when it seemed that Alex had nothing more to add, Abbie looked down. "You know, Alex, that still doesn't mean he should treat you the way he does."

Alex chewed at her lower lip. "I guess that's just how he's always been," she admitted. "I mean, he's a good father. He just has a hard time believing that situations exist that can extend beyond his control. That's the curse of being a very good attorney." She shrugged. "Come to bed with me. Please? I just want to be held."

"Yea," Abbie said, "okay."

Alex curled her hands around Abbie's pulling her off the couch and behind her into the bedroom where she just stood in the middle of the room, staring at the wall. Her hands were still tight around Abbie's hands, but she was immobile.

"Hey, baby," Abbie murmured, shaking Alex's hands. "Hey, baby. Come back to me." Alex ripped her hands away from Abbie, pushing the Texan backwards. Startled, Abbie fell to the floor. She stayed down, watching Alex from the ground, trying to determine whether or not it was safe to get up – not because Alex hurt her but because she did not want to frighten Alex. It was clear the blond was in a negative place. Her eyes were glazed, and she was just absently standing there, like her memories were somewhere else.

Alex scratched at her arms, having no where else to put her hands. Scratches down her arms swelled with blood, and Abbie stood up. She pulled Alex's hands away from her arms. "You're hurting yourself, Alex," Abbie murmured, wrapping her fingers around Alex's wrists, stopping her from continuing to claw herself.

Alex screamed as she tried to break Abbie's hold but the Texan would not let go. It was a wordless scream, and she tried to strike at Abbie. When the darker skinned woman let go and stepped back, Alex's movements became more frenzied and violent as she hit herself as if trying to push something off of her.

"Stop," Abbie said, grabbing Alex from behind and wrapping her arms tightly around her. "Stop. Alex, you're hurting yourself." She grabbed Alex's hands and held them against her chest, curling her fingers around Alex's.

"No. No. Let me go," Alex yelped, twisting in Abbie's arms.

"I've got you, Alex. It's me. It's Abbie, sweetheart. No one can hurt you here. You're safe," Abbie said, fighting over Alex's screams to get through to her. "Alex. Alex. It's okay, Alex. I've got you."

Twisting and turning, Alex continued to scream. She tried to scratch at Abbie, her eyes tightly shut. She devolved into a sobbing mess, her body going limp. Abbie supported Alex's weight as she lowered her onto the floor, avoiding the bed. The floor of the bedroom was carpeted, and the harsh fabric rubbed at Alex's arms and legs as she twisted.

"There you go," Abbie murmured. "Shh. Look at me, Alex. Look at me, baby. Open your eyes and look at me." She stroked Alex's cheek until the blond opened her eyes and looked up at her, her mouth slightly open. She still looked afraid, but she seemed to be in the present. "Hey, baby. You came back."

"Abbie," Alex murmured, holding on to the Texan.

A knock on the door made Alex jump, and she screamed. "Shh, shh, it's okay, baby," Abbie said. "It's probably just one of the neighbors worried about you. Okay? I'll be right back. I promise." Abbie pressed a soft kiss into Alex's temple.

Opening the door, Abbie sighed as she saw the familiar uniforms of the NYPD. "Can I help you?" she asked, leaning on the door.

"Abbie?" Alex questioned as she walked out of her bedroom, a robe wrapped tightly around her. "Who is it?"

"The police, Lex," Abbie answered.

"We had a call about a woman screaming from this area," one of the officers said. "Is everything okay here?"

Alex nodded. "I'm grabbing our badges," she explained as she reached forward opening the drawer beside the door and pulling out both badges. "She's an AUSA. I'm an ADA." Alex held out both badges for the officers. "We're okay. I'm sorry."

"What happened?" the officer asked. "Reports came in that the screaming went on for maybe a good ten minutes."

Alex looked down before glancing sideways at Abbie. "I, um, I had a nightmare about one of my cases. I work special victims and I have a child serial homicide on my docket." Alex pressed her lips together, shaking her head. "I didn't mean to, but I just couldn't stop screaming."

"Child deaths can be rough. As long as you're alright, we'll let you both get back to sleep. Thank you," the officer said, handing back the badges.

Alex tucked the badges back in the drawer as Abbie shut and locked the door. "I'm sorry, Abbie."

Abbie shrugged. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Lex," Abbie said, holding an arm out tentatively. Alex stepped forward, and Abbie embraced Alex, holding her softly. "I'm here. I've got you. I'm not going anywhere, baby. You can cry, you can scream, and you can hit. I don't care if the police come out a hundred times a night, Alex. I'm not going anywhere, and you still have nothing to be sorry for."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven.

Alex chewed at the ear piece for her glasses as she watched the interview in front of her. Elliot and Fin were circling the suspect like vultures, talking to him. They put pressure on him with the ease and expertise of people who had been doing just that for far too long. Biting her lower lip, Alex nodded. "I can get a warrant off that," she said. "He hasn't quite confessed, but he did give us enough to get in his apartment. I'll have it within the hour if you want to send Benson and Munch out there to start."

"Sounds like a plan, counselor," the captain agreed, nodding his head to the two detectives who were also watching. "What's the scope?"

"Anywhere in the apartment small enough to hide a six inch blade," Alex said. "I'd say you're pretty well open. I'll call when I have the warrant in my hand. You're clear to enter at that point. I'll send an investigator by with the warrant." She nodded, turning as she picked up her bag.

Olivia caught up to her at the elevator. "Counselor, wait," the detective called. "I – Emily Jenkin's mother stopped by. She said Emily made this for you." She held out a folded piece of paper.

Carefully, Alex took it and unfolded it, smiling as she looked at it. In large, purple letters at the top in a child's handwritting was scrawled "To: Alex From: Emily." It was a pitcure of a horse and a barn and a girl riding the horse. Emily's case had been one that Alex had picked up. It was pendng trial when Alex caught it, and she had taken it to court, dominating defense. She remembered that Emily had talked with her about horses a lot. The girl had enjoyed going to camp every summer and riding them. Her summers had been distrubed when her stepfather had been arrested. Her mother had not made enough to pay for the camp with the stepfather incarcerated and a divorce pending. It had killed Alex that not only had the little girl been molested by her stepfather, a man she had not even known was not her real father until the disclosure, but the one thing she looked forward to every year had been stripped from her as well.

That year, the child had gone to summer camp based on an anonymous donation to the camp on behalf of the child that not only covered the child's fare but that of two other children as well. The camp had extended those two spots to two children from the inner city based on a drug free poster drawing contest that the camp had also been randomly donated the money to host.

"What you did for her and those other two kids," Olivia said, "it means a lot."

"I didn't -" Alex said, shaking her head. "I didn't do anything."  
"I know," Olivia said. "Emily doesn't. Neither does her mother. Don't worry. She said she had a fun time at camp. According to her mom, she wanted to thank you for helping to make her feel safe again." Olivia smiled. "You're a good person, Alex. You're a good prosecutor. But, you went above and beyond for this case."

Alex smiled softly. "I really should get your warrant. Thank you for passing this on." Alex waited for the elevator doors to close before she tucked the drawing into her attache. She figured that she would hang on to it in a drawer in her office. There was no telling when the _pick me up_ would be useful, and she had not been lying to the police when she had told them she was working a string of child homicides. The trial was slated for the end of the month, and she really was having nightmares about the photographs.

The rest of the afternoon, Alex spent in her office. She gave the warrant to an investigator to deliver to the detectives at the apartment. Other than that, she had more paperwork than she knew what to do with, and it was useful to stay distracted. It was almost eight o'clock when a knock on her door made her look up.

"Hey, baby," Abbie murmured, leaning against the door. "Can I come in?"

"Yea," Alex said, setting down her pen and standing. Abbie leaned over the desk and gave Alex a quick kiss, tracing her fingers down Alex's arm. "What time is it?"

Abbie smiled. "Late enough that if you weren't here, I was going to have the detectives put a BOLO out for you. I'm just glad you're married to your work and not out elsewhere."

"You mean drinking," Alex murmured.

Abbie shook her head. "I want you to be safe, Lex, that's all."

"Peter's back in jail until the trial. The only person I'm not safe from is me, and that's with the drinking." Alex sighed. "Since I moved in with you, Abs, I haven't."

"I know, baby," Abbie said. "You've been amazing not drinking to cope. But, you need a coping skill that's not diving drastically into work. Why don't you and I go out tonight? Nothing fancy, just dinner and a movie, but I haven't gotten to take you out on a date in a month."

"We've only been together a month," Alex said, shaking her head as she laughed.

"And, unless you think taking me to a charity event counts as a date, we've never actually been out," Abbie said with a laugh.

Alex bit her lip. "Do you think that's wise?" she asked. "I mean, what if Peter's having me followed or something because of the trial? Or someone sees us and tells him?"

"Alex, if that scumbag is having you followed, then he already knows you live with me, and his attorney has not filed anything. And, two friends grabbing dinner and a movie is not so unusual."

"That kind of defeats the purpose of a date," Alex pointed out, chewing at the tip of her pen.

Abbie laughed as she sank into the couch opposite Alex's desk. "Alright, alright," Abbie conceded. "It's not a date, but something to give us both a break from these cases, including yours, baby."

Sighing, Alex closed her open case file and tossed it to the edge of her desk. "I could use a good break right now," Alex murmured. "These are more overwhelming than I thought they would be. I'm so glad to be here, Abbie, don't get me wrong, but it's more pressure than I thought it would be."

Nodding, Abbie slouched back into the couch. "You're dealing with an unbelievable amount of pressure, Alex, more than most attorneys in this unit. At least, not all at once. You deserve a break, you need to focus on your own justice for at least one night."

Alex quietly moved to the couch beside Abbie, leaning over the Texan as she sat on her knees. "I have my own justice, Abs," she murmured. "This. My job, my ability to go after other men like him and put them away – he can't take that from me. And, you. You know what he did, and that hasn't made you recoil from me. You liked me before he destroyed me, and, at least as far as I can tell, you still like me."

Abbie smiled softly, her hands on Alex's hips as she pulled her closer. "I would say I definitely still like you," Abbie murmured, pulling Alex down on her and kissing her softly. Abbie pulled Alex between her legs, wrapping her legs around Alex's, enjoying the weight of the blond on top of her.

With a smile, Alex pulled away from the kiss, watching Abbie's face intently.

"What is it, Alex?" Abbie asked, reaching up and tucking some of Alex's hair behind her ear. Immediately, it fell back down, coaxed by gravity to tickle Abbie's face.

Alex pressed her lips against Abbie's but did not offer anything deeper. She pressed a soft kiss against the corner of Abbie's mouth before sliding one leg over Abbie's and sitting back, her thigh pressed firmly between Abbie's legs. "Do you ever want to do something, but you're not sure it's the right thing to do?" she asked.

"What are you overthinking, baby?" Abbie asked, tracing small circles on Alex's stomach over her clothing. Alex looked down at her, a small sigh breathy on her lips. Abbie smiled, shaking her head. "Alright, yes. I have. But, you know what, when I did it, I was well rewarded."

"Oh?" Alex asked.

Abbie nodded. "Yes." Abbie traced her fingers over Alex's face. "What ever it is, Alex, you have to trust your gut. If your gut instinct is to go for it, then go for it." She ran her thumb over Alex's lips. "Talk to me, baby girl. You look deep in thought."

In response, Alex traced her fingers over the buttons on Abbie's blouse. Carefully, she unbuttoned them, starting from the lowest button and working her way up until she had an easy ability to push the cloth to the side, exposing Abbie's stomach. She ran her hands over the warm expanse of her skin, dipping her fingers down her sides, playing at the tops of her hip bones. "Do you think that if someone's first time is forcibly taken from them, it still counts as their first time?"

Abbie shook her head, eyes on Alex's hand as she wondered how serious their conversation was about to be. "No, baby girl. I don't think it does. I think that's something that you can only give because it's not a physical part of you, it's an emotional attachment, a part of you that has to make the very deliberate and specific decision to have sex with someone. It's about making yourself vulnerable in a way that no one can possibly force you to be that way."

Running her fingertips over Abbie's stomach, Alex began to draw flowers around Abbie's navel. "Even if the person who was forced has an orgasm because of what he does?"

Abbie ran her hands over Alex's arms. "Even if she has an orgasm. There are two kinds of orgasm, baby. There's the physical one that is a neurological response, the one that a rape victim might experience. But, there's also a mental one, the kind of feeling you get in your soul when you place that level of trust in your partner to expose yourself. That kind of orgasm starts somewhere deep, deep inside of you, and it's what leaves you feeling satisfied emotionally."

Swallowing, Alex focused on her fingers as she finished unbuttoning Abbie's blouse, exposing her torso almost completely. She watched Abbie's chest rise and fall with every breath she took. She traced her fingers along Abbie's breasts where her skin met her bra, a white number with pink roses. "Have you ever had that kind of orgasm?" Alex asked.

Abbie pressed her lips together. "I've come close," she answered. "The problem with sleeping with men is that men seldom care about the emotional satisfaction of the woman they're with. Don't get me wrong, Alex, I've had plenty of physical orgasms. Those are relatively easy to attain."

Nodding slowly, Alex continued her physical exploration of Abbie's stomach and the portions of her chest not covered by the material of her bra. "Will you teach me?"

"Teach you what, exactly?" Abbie asked, suspicion in her voice.

Alex licked her lips. "To have sex?" Alex asked.

Smiling, Abbie gently ran her fingers through Alex's hair before plucking one hand from her torso and twisting their fingers together. "Now?" Alex nodded. "Why do you want to have sex now?" Alex did not answer, shrugging with one shoulder, her lower lip tucked between her teeth. "Do you think having sex will put you back in control of your body?"

"I guess," Alex softly whispered. She sat up, leaning back. "You don't want to?"

Abbie sat up as well, holding Alex close. "It's not that I don't want to, Lexie. I would absolutely have sex with you. You're beautiful and intelligent and compassionate, and I am sexually attracted to you. But, I want you to be ready when – if – we do. I don't want you to feel like you have to have sex with me or have sex with anyone just to feel in control. You are in control of your body, Alex. If we ever have sex, I want it to be because of a desire, not a compulsion."

After a few moments of silence, Alex nodded, shifting her weight against Abbie so that she was no longer pressed against her sex. Instead, Alex rested her head against Abbie's shoulder, her hand wrapped loosely at Abbie's hip. "When did you start feeling clean?" she asked.

Abbie shook her head. "Not for a long time. I thought sleeping with other people would make me feel in control and prove to myself that I was clean and worthy of affection, but it did the opposite. I was out of control, and it just made me feel more and more disgusting, like I wasn't worthy of affection, like I was nothing more than a whore. It wasn't until I stopped doing that that I realized having sex with people to feel clean again wasn't doing anything helpful. Even when they weren't strangers, even when it was my next boyfriend, I wasn't ready, and I hurt myself more."

Rubbing her hand over Abbie's stomach, Alex nodded. "How did you know you were ready?" Alex asked, sucking on her lower lip as she played with Abbie's skin. "I mean – I just, I feel like -"  
"I understand," Abbie murmured, rubbing Alex's back. "It took some time to figure out. I would think I was ready, and I would have a flashback when he held my breasts. Sometimes, the flashbacks would be as simple as someone kissing me." Abbie rested her hand on Alex's, holding it against her hip. "Sometimes, I still have them."

Surprised, Alex looked up at Abbie. "It really never goes away, then," she mused, sighing. "I was kind of hoping that was a lie they told people to not rush themselves." She shrugged, sitting up. "So, that movie?"

Abbie smiled, standing. She pulled Alex up to her, resting a hand on her hip. She laced the fingers of her other hand with Alex's, humming softly. Following Abbie's lead, Alex moved her feet, slowly dancing with Abbie to the tune she was humming. Carefully, Alex rested her head against Abbie's shoulder, enjoying the feel of their bodies pressed together. Gradually, Abbie dropped Alex's hand and rested both hands on her hips, exhaling softly as Alex wrapped her arms around her neck, stepping closer, their bodies flush and warm.

After a few measures, Abbie stopped humming and slowed their dance to a stop, holding Alex close to her. "Don't forget dinner," Abbie murmured.

Alex kissed her girlfriend, soft and gentle as she played with her hair between her fingers. "And dinner," she whispered, "because I want to hear all about your day. Your jury should have come back by now."

"It did," Abbie murmured, "and I'll tell you all about it over chicken katsu and sushi off of sixth." She stepped back, buttoning her blouse and tucking it back into her slacks.

"Deal," Alex said with a warm smile. "I love chicken katsu."

"I know," Abbie teased. "You and your chicken nuggets."

Alex shook her head. "It is not a nugget," she protested.

"It is a fancy, Japanese nugget, Alex," Abbie said. She picked up Alex's briefcase and pulled it over her shoulder, reaching out and squeezing Alex's hand. "Admit it. It is a fancy, breaded, Japanese nugget."

"Whatever," Alex murmured, following Abbie out of her office. She carefully avoided touching Abbie despite wanting to because of the security cameras. She had not been kidding earlier. If Peter was having her watched to try and get dirt on her for the trial, she did not want to give him anything, and the security cameras in the DA were not immune from subpoena.

Mustering her graces, Alex rode with Abbie to the restaurant as they continued their debate over whether or not chicken katsu was a fancy chicken nugget. Eventually, Alex conceded to Abbie that they were nuggets as she playfully pouted, pretending to give Abbie the cold shoulder over it.

"You're such a little kid, you know that, Lexie?" Abbie teased as she held the door open for Alex to get out of the car. She gave Alex a quick kiss that had the district prosecutor smiling. "What?"

"You just called me a little kid before you kissed me like a grown woman," she teased with a wide grin.

Abbie laughed. "You did not just call me a paedophile," she gasped. "I mean, I know I'm older than you, Lex, but I'm not that much older. By this age, five years is not that significant a difference."

Alex shook her head. "You're too easy," she said with a broad smile.

Abbie shoved her softly before catching her around the waist and pulling her close. "I don't see it," she murmured, earning herself a baffled look from the blond. "They say you're this high class bitch, but I just don't see it. Not since I've seen you in private." Abbie smiled gently, rubbing her thumb over Alex's lower lip. "It just kind of – it ruins the illusion, I guess."

Frowning, Alex shook her head. "I've spent most of my life trying to live up to this idea of what I'm supposed to be. Despite everything that's happened, spending these last few weeks with you have been the closest thing to not having expectations I think I've ever experienced. I don't have to be a Cabot. I can just be a – an Alex." Alex sighed, sounding exhausted.

"I like Alex," Abbie mused. "Alex is good." Abbie kissed her. "And corny." She kissed her again, punctuating each statment with a kiss. "And sweet. And soft. And cute. And beautiful."

Arms wrapped around her own torso, Alex smiled, a color rising in her cheeks. Biting her lower lip, she shook her head. "I'm not," she whispered.

"Hey," Abbie murmured, closing her fingers around Alex's hands and pulling them from her body. "You are, but not because I say you are. It's because it's true. You're beautiful. Anyone can see that, Alex, and it's not just your looks. You're a beautiful person. Look at what you do for work, what you take home with you at the end of the night. You bring good things into this world, Alex, and it takes a particular kind of soul to face down what you do every day." Abbie wrapped an arm around Alex and guided her into the restaurant.

Alex remained non-verbal as they sat down in a booth. Abbie rubbed her fingers over Alex's fingers. "I got a guilty verdict," she said. "All counts. It was a white collar issue." She smiled gently, lacing her fingers in Alex's. "Wanna hear about my amazing closing statement?"

Laughing, Alex nodded. "Yes, but after we put in our order. For the first time, I'm hungry."

"Good," Abbie murmured. "It's about time you complained of hunger."

Abbie recounted her adventurous white collar trial in federal court which amounted to about twenty minutes of conversation until Alex began asking more in depth questions. "Are you planning a future as a federal prosecutor?" Abbie inquired, tipping her head to the side and giving Alex a strange look as if she could not quite believe that Alex would do such a thing – though, no one could put anything past Alexandra.

Shaking her head, Alex leaned back. "I plan on being the governor by the time I'm qualified to be a federal prosecutor," she said.

Laughing, Abbie pushed a piece of sushi on her plate. "So, I'm dating the future governor of New York. That's awesome." Carefully, Abbie picked up the piece of sushi and dropped it on Alexandra's plate. "It's good. Try it."

Later, as Alex flopped across her bed in Abbie's apartment, staring up at the ceiling, she considered where she was and where she was planning on going. It was a different path than the one she had thought she would be on at her age with her experience. Yes, she had planned on SVU. No, she had not planned on being in a gay relationship, let alone one with the woman who was also prosecuting the man who raped her twice and left her for dead. In politics, she knew it was going to come out. Usually, when things went awry in her life, she was able to turn to her parents, but they had abandoned her in the situation. Her father had been outspoken – he might have believed Alex except that he believed Peter more. And, her mother's silence had spoken volumes. She had no idea how to fix the problem, but she did know that once the case trickled into the circles in which she ran, it would very much become a problem. And, it was the grace of propriety that had kept the case from those very circles. Alex had been genuinely surprised that the defense attorneys were not bringing it up in court yet, accusing Alex of legal blindness due to her own case.

The silence in that arena would have surprised her, but Nora and Abbie had been handling everything so discretely that there were times Alex even questioned whether or not the trauma had happened. If it were not for the detectives and Abbie checking in with her about it and Abbie and her going to group therapy every other week or so, Alex would have questioned as to whether or not the trauma really had happened. Sometimes, the memories did not even quite seem real.

A knock on the door made Alex look back to the door. "Come in," she said.

Abbie slipped through the door and closed it behind her, leaning back, her hands behind her. "Hey, baby," she murmrued.

Sitting up, Alex gestured to Abbie to sit with her on the bed. The brunette did, resting her head on Alex's shoulder. Alex looped her arm around Abbie's waist, her fingers playing with Abbie's shirt. "Thank you for tonight," Alex murmured.

"Thank you," Abbie replied. "I'm glad you agreed to go out. I know it's not a real date, but you deserve to be taken out. I'm happy to just go out as friends for now. Maybe one day, when the case is closed, you'll let me take you out on a proper date."

Alex smiled. "That sounds good," she answered. She slid her hand up along Abbie's body, stroking the ends of her hair and twisting them between her fingers. "I'd like to dress up for you."

Laughing, Abbie turned her head, kissing Alex's cheek quickly. "Never dress up for me," she murmured. She nuzzled at Alex's neck, blowing cool air against her skin.

After a few seconds, Abbie uncurled herself from the bed and looked over Alex's dresser. She picked up the hair brush. "Can I?" she asked, holding out the brush. Alex's brow furrowed. "Sit on the bed, all the way." Alex adjusted herself on the bed, crossing her legs.

Kneeling behind Alex, Abbie ran the brush through Alex's hair. Alex flinched as Abbie ran the brush through hair above her ear, and the brunette stopped. "Are you okay?" she asked softly.

"Yes," Alex answered. "Keep going. I didn't mean to flinch. I just – I wasn't expecting it."

"Alright," Abbie said. "Tell me if you want me to stop." Alex nodded. Abbie began brushing Alex's hair again, the fingers of her other hand trailing down Alex's back in time with the brush. As she brushed Alex's hair, Abbie noticed that Alex's shoulders relaxed, the tensions seeming to roll off her. When Alex seemed more relaxed than she had in weeks, and Abbie set down the brush. Gently, Abbie braided Alex's hair, taking the hairtie from her own ponytail and tightening it at the end of the braid.

Abbie continued to move her hands over Alex's back, rubbing her shoulders and down her spine. Alex hummed in pleasure, her head lolling forward, arms slack in her lap. "Come on," Abbie murmured, encouraging Alex to lay on her stomach on the bed. As Alex laid down, she pulled her pillow against her face, her eyes still closed as Abbie continued to rub her back. Carefully, Abbie rubbed Alex's arms to her fingers as well as Alex's legs from just above her knees to her toes. By the time she was finished, Alex was still, her breathing even and light.

Standing, Abbie went to leave, but Alex reached out, her fingers brushing Abbie's. "Stay with me," Alex whispered.

"I thought you were sleeping," Abbie said, her voice just above a whisper. Alex closed her eyes and sighed. Abbie pulled the comforter from under Alex and covered her with it, turning off the light before sliding under the fabric with her. Alex twisted on the bed and coiled against Abbie.

"Tell me a story," Alex whispered.

"What kind of story?" Abbie asked.

Alex chuckled. "Any kind," she murmured.

Stroking Alex's hair, Abbie started telling Alex about her freshman year in high school in Texas. She was about half way through telling Alex about her first high school party when she realized that Alex was asleep against her chest. "Fine, Princess," Abbie murmured. "See if I tell you any more stories."

When Abbie woke up, she was alone, but she could hear a shower running. Alex's cell phone alarm was going off, and Abbie groaned as she reached over and turned it off. Pushing the covers back, Abbie headed back to her room, pulling out clothes for the day before heading into the kitchen. She would normally have showered, but as she had gone into her room, she had realized that Alex was showering in her shower. It had made her chuckle, but she figured that she could make breakfast before showering. At the very least, they could eat something before heading into work.

Abbie made waffles, and Alex stepped from Abbie's room, her towel wrapped around her body just as Abbie was setting syrup on the table. "Shower thief," Abbie teased.

Alex shrugged, a small, uncertain smile on her lips. "I'm going to go get dressed," she said.

Biting her lower lip, Abbie nodded. "Alright. Let me shower, and then we'll have breakfast."

It was nearly eleven when Alex knocked at a familiar office door. The man in the office turned, puzzled. But, that expression vanished into smiles when he realized who was standing there. "Aly," he said, a wide grin on his face. "Long time no see."

"Alex," Alex corrected automatically. She cringed once she realized what she had done. "It's good to see you, Uncle Bill. Can I come in?"

The judge nodded, gesturing for Alex to enter as he stood up. "Yes, yes. How are you?"

Alex smiled. "I'm doing well," she said, though she stepped out of the way of his hug. It was automatic, but it was more telling than her words.

"No, you aren't," he said, frowning. "You've never flinched from a hug. What's going on?"

"I work in sex crimes, remember?" she chided with a smile.

"I remember. I signed that warrant for you," he teased back.

Alex nodded. "Thank you."

Bill glanced at the clock above his desk. "Do you have time for some lunch, kiddo? My treat. We can go to that Italian place you like."

Grinning broadly, Alex nodded. "Lunch with my uncle? That sounds amazing. You can tell me all about your adventures in foster parenting."

"You'll have to swing by the house one day to meet the two living with me now. Lucy is amazing. She's so bright. She really reminds me of you in her personality." He grinned, and Alex could see the absolute love he had in regards to both of those children in his custody. "The little boy, Adam, is a special treat. He has a hard time being touched, but he's starting to come around. Oh, Aly, you will fall in love with these two."

Alex smiled gently. "I'm sure I would," she said, surpressing the sudden urge to vomit. She knew why it had cropped up. The nickname 'Aly' still deeply disturbed her. It was the nickname Peter had so often used, and he had used it the nights he had raped her. Still, she could not correct her uncle without explaining why she no longer went by that nickname.

Nevertheless, the judge could see the troubled expression on her face. "Hey, tell me what's wrong?" he intoned, pulling the door closed behind him and walking with Alex down the hall to the elevator.

"Peter and I broke up," Alex answered. "I just kinda stopped going by Aly after."

Bill nodded. "He hurt you," the judge said. When Alex opened her mouth to protest, Bill shook his head. "The only reason to stop going by a common nickname, Alex, is if someone who used that nickname that you trusted hurt you. Besides, you've always been an open book. You don't have to tell me what happened. I'm just glad to hear that you split from him, okay?"

Alex smiled softly. "Thank you, Uncle Bill," Alex murmured. "Am I really that easy to read?"

"Sometimes," the judge said with a laugh. "I apologize now if I slip up and call you Aly, honey. I don't mean to. It's going to be a hard habit to break. Is Alex still okay?"

"Yes," Alex answered. "Thank you. You have no idea what it means to have your support, even vaguely."

The judge shook his head. "You're my niece, Alex. You'll always have my support. Now, I think I hear a nice salad and some chicken alfredo calling my name, how about you?"

Alex smiled, looping her arm through the arm of her mother's brother and resting her head against his shoulder while they walked from the court house down to the restaurant. "How are you, Mom, and Uncle Henry so different from each other?"

Bill laughed, deep and warm. "Trust me, Alex, you would not want to have to put up with three of any one of us. Are you and your mother not talking again?"

"That seems to be one of the recurring communication tactics between us, doesn't it?" Alex mused rhetorically. "Hey, Uncle Bill, can I ask you a question?"

"You just did," the judge replied. Alex always marveled at his sense of humor. Neither her mother nor her other uncle had one, but Bill seemed to have enough to share. "In all seriousness, though, what's on your mind?"

Alex sighed, stopping on the sidewalk. She released his arm and took a step away. "You know how you used to tell me throughout high school that if I planned on having sex to use a condom?"

The man nodded, eying Alex suspiciously. "You're not pregnant, are you?" he asked.

"No," Alex said, shaking her head quickly. "No. No. Nothing like that. But, um, you used to always say something else, too, something about if I ever found myself in a situation where a condom would be sort of, well, useless to still play it safe."

"Is that why Peter hurt you?" the judge asked. "Because you like women?"

Again, Alex shook her head. "No. No. That's not – I still like men."

"But, you like women as well," the judge said. It was a statement, not a question, as if he had known before Alex had.

Alex pressed her lips together. "I started dating this amazing woman," she said, nodding her head. "I'm just worried."

The judge nodded. "I wondered when you were going to come out to yourself," he said, smiling softly. Alex blinked slowly, staring at her uncle until he laughed. "I've known since you were twelve and you were spending the summer with my intern. She was a 2L, remember?"

Alex flushed. "Lauren," she said, biting her lower lip.

"You used to watch her walk out of the court room like you were going to trip over her heels, Alex," he said, laughing. "I kept wondering if you were going to start drooling. You kept your composure pretty well, though, didn't you?"

"I just kind of figured I wanted to have an idea of what I would be growing up," Alex said with a shrug. "I love my mother, but she never really did explain growing up to me. Lauren explained more in that summer than my mother had, well, ever."

Bill laughed. "If that's not the truth," he said. "Nevertheless, in some ways, though, Alex, you are your mother's daughter."

Alex furrowed her brow. "My mom's bisexual?" she asked, both shocked and not at the same time. Someone like Amelia who had such a free idea of what it meant to love someone seemed the perfect candidate for bisexuality – at least, according to the stereotypes. But, then, she could be so cold and distant, too. It seemed that Alex and Amelia were always in conflict over something – Alex saw cheating as wrong, Amelia did not; Alex was pro-death penalty, Amelia was not. It had led to some very heated debates at the breakfast table and sometimes days, if not weeks, of the two not talking to each other. Yet, sexuality was never something that had been expressly discussed. She had always known her mother would not have minded Alex being something other than heterosexual, but it made sense that her father was concerned that Alex would be something other than heterosexual. To play the politics, despite Amelia's wavering faithfulness, they had always been this perfect, straight couple. "Actually, that makes my childhood make a lot more sense. I always thought my father was telling her to be discrete because she was having an affair with her boss. Considering how often her boss' wife was over, I would say the affair was with her, not him."

"I think that's best to be kept to yourself, Alexandra," Bill said, a slight note of warning to his voice. He meant that he did not think it would be wise if Alex went to her mother and started asking questions or making statements. Alex nodded her agreement. "Good. Then, why don't you tell me what's got you so worried about this mysterious woman."

Alex smiled. "She's not really that mysterious. I mean, she is, but now that I'm getting to know her personally, the illusion's kind of gone."

Bill chuckled. "I'm sure she says the same about you," he teased.

"Actually," Alex mused, chewing at her cheek. "But, I guess I'm pretty high maintenance right now. Not demanding, not quite, but I'm struggling with some personal issues, and I'm afraid she's going to wake up one morning and realize that I'm too messed up and she shouldn't have to deal with me, and then she's just going to walk out."

The judge nodded sagely. "This has to do with what Peter did to you?" he asked.

"Kind of," Alex answered, twisting her seat belt in her fingers. "Mostly."

"Does she know?" Alex nodded. "And, what does she say?"

Alex sighed. "When she was in college, she dated a man who did something very similar to her. She's been my absolute rock. She knows how to bring me out of panic attacks; every court date, she's been there; if I wake up screaming, she comes into my room and holds me."

"You're living together?" Bill clarified, surprised.

Alex nodded. "I was having a difficult time being in my apartment. Plus, I wasn't allowed in for a few days because it was a crime scene. She let me stay with her, but when they released the apartment, I couldn't go back. It's up on the market. I don't think I can live there again. When it sells and I find myself a new place, I'll be on my own again."

"Alright," the judge said, pulling into the alley behind the Italian restaurant and tucking the car in a makeshift parking spot. "How long have you known her?"

"I met her shortly after graduating law school," Alex said. "We've been decent friends. I wouldn't say close."

He nodded. "I have a feeling that if she's going anywhere, it's not going to be because you're dealing with what happened to you, Alex. You don't start dating friends after traumatic events without a deep connection. Maybe some people do, but not you. You don't have that kind of personality." He gave her a wide grin and squeezed her shoulder.

"Thanks, Uncle Bill," Alex murmured. Just then, her stomach chose to rumble, and she laughed. "It's only just started doing that again. I wasn't getting hungry there for a while."

"You're feeling safe again," he remarked.

Alex bit her lip, her hand over her stomach. Despite everything, she had to admit, she felt the most cared for and protected in her current situation than she had for years. Between Abbie and the detectives, she felt safe and supported. It really felt like she belonged. And, Alex loved feeling like she had finally found her niche. There was so much more that she wanted to do, but she really could see herself in SVU for a while. "I guess I am," she said, nodding her head. "He's in jail, you know. So, he can't get me. But, then, I also – I don't know how to describe it." She shrugged, shaking her head. "SVU is a good unit. It's a good fit. I like it."

"Good," Bill said. "I'm glad. I thought you were going to go mad on the misdemeanor docket."

Alex laughed. "I'm pretty sure I did," she admitted. "Just, don't tell Nora. She might put me back there just for laughs."

Alex's uncle just smiled, as if he were saving that tidbit for later.

After lunch, Alex went back to her office to finish paperwork on a few cases and prepare for a hearing the following day. Only a couple of months into the job, and her arguments were becoming almost second nature. It made for a much easier work experience. The time she spent with her uncle, although she did not disclose much information into what Peter had put her through, had been sorely needed if for nothing other than the fact that she had, at least, one family member who supported and believed her. And, Bill Hermann had met Peter Feldman on multiple occasions. He had been amoung those in Alex's family who had believed that she and Peter were an amazingly in sync couple. While he had never teased her about getting married, he had never denied it, either. Still, all it had taken was for Alex to say he had hurt her, and that had been where he had drawn his line. No ifs. No buts. Just pure, unadulterated belief. And, Alex had really needed to hear someone close to her say that.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve.

Sighing, Alex stared at the case file in front of her. The words were blurring, but she needed to get through the file for a hearing the following day. For the past two days, she had been putting it off due to headaches and nausea, but by day three, those symptoms were no better, and Alex was done with waiting for them go away. No amount of Ibuprofen had helped, and she did not want to take more for fear of over dosing.

Groaning, Alex rubbed her temples, slouching in her chair. Finally, she shook her head, picking up her phone. Even the sound of pushing buttons seemed too loud. "Abs, it's Alex," she murmured into the phone. "Can you pick me up from work? I don't think I'll make it to the subway."

"Sure, honey. Are you still feeling off?"

Hand on her head, Alex grunted. "I'm having a hard time seeing," she admitted.

"Then, I'm not only picking you up, but I'm taking you to the doctor, Alex," Abbie chided. "When did this start?"

Alex shifted in her seat, Abbie's voice too loud in her ear. It just made her head pulsate, and she resisted the urge to crawl under her desk for the darkness. Her office was almost dark already, and she had been reading by a desk lamp. "Oh, God, maybe yesterday?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Abbie asked, sounding irritated. "I'm coming by. Are you going to wait outside for me?"

"No," Alex mumbled. "Too bright."

"Have you ever had migraine headaches?" Abbie asked.

"No," she murmured. She shivered, her hands shaking so badly that she dropped her phone. Picking it up put her leaning against her desk on the floor, stabbing pain through her head. "Abs, I'm sick. I hurt."

Abbie's voice was soft but still too loud. Alex wanted to scream. "I know, baby. I know. I'm on the way. Close your eyes, okay?" Alex whimpered. "I'm a few minutes out, Alex. Keep your eyes closed. I'll just come in, alright?"

"Yea," Alex murmured. She blinked rapidly, trying to focus. "Why am I sick?"

"Because you haven't taken care of yourself. You're working from before I wake up until almost before I go to bed. You've barely eaten in two weeks."

"I told you," Alex snapped, the pain in her head making her angry, "I have no idea why I haven't been hungry again, but I'm not hungry. Leave me alone about it." Alex groaned, curling herself tighter into the fetal position, whimpering intermittently for several seconds before falling silent as she huddled against her desk. "Ow. Abs. It hurts."

"Where?"

"My head. My stomach," Alex whispered, shaking.

Abbie sighed. "Lexie, baby, listen to me. I need you to focus on me. Listen to me. I know it hurts, but try to focus on my voice. I'm pulling into the parking garage."

"Okay," Alex said, reaching up and pulling herself standing against her desk. "Oh, God." She leaned over and threw up into the trash can next to her desk before stumbling to the couch. Alex did not make it any further as she curled on the couch, her eyes rolling into the back of her head.

"Alex," Abbie said, shaking her softly. "Alex, come on, wake up, baby girl."

Groaning, Alex blinked. Her vision was still blurred, and the darkness was settling in at the edges of her vision, but she could make out Abbie leaning over her. "Abs," she whispered, holding her arms up and wrapping them around Abbie's neck.

"I've got you, baby girl," Abbie murmured, scooping Alex up and holding her against her chest while Alex got her feet underneath her. "Can you walk?" Alex just huddled against Abbie. "Honey, I'm taking you to the hospital. If you can't walk, then I'm going to call for paramedics."

"Just go slow," Alex whispered, her fingers white around Abbie's shirt. "I – I threw up. In the trash."

"I know," Abbie said. "I heard you do it. Don't worry about that right now, though. Just focus on putting one foot in front of the other."

Alex nodded, shuffling along with Abbie, one hand tight against her hip, the other hand entangled in her shirt. "I'm sorry, Abbie," she mewled. "I'm so sorry."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Alex. You're sick. You can't help that," Abbie assured her. "We're going to go get you better, though, okay? Is this why you've been avoiding me at home, because you're sick?"

Blinking rapidly, Alex was unable to conceal the tears. She shook her head as she tried to let go of Abbie in the elevator.

"No, Lex," Abbie said, reaching for Alex as the blond fell, her head thunking against the back of the elevator. She moaned, and Abbie hit the emergency stop button as the door opened. She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and dialed 9-1-1. "My name's Abbie Carmichael. I'm at the New York District Attorney's office. Alex Cabot fell and hit her head. She's unconscious."

Abbie stayed on the phone with the dispatcher, holding Alex's head in her lap until she heard the medics banging on the front door. "I'll be right back, Alex. I'm going to let the medics in." Abbie hung up the phone and laid Alex's head gently against the floor.

Abbie danced around, her thumb in her mouth as she gnawed on the sides of her nail, while the medics backboarded and collared Alex, putting her on a gurney all while checking her vitals, pupillary reaction, and airway. One of the medics asked Abbie what had happened prior to her passing out, and Abbie explained that she was picking her up to take her to the ER for a blinding headache.

When the medics loaded Alex into the back of the bus, Abbie watched them drive off before turning to stare at the lobby of the DA's office. Trash from the medics littered the floor, and Abbie bit her lip. She picked up a few of the bigger pieces, but it would take, she figured, a broom and dust pan to get some of the smaller pieces up. Sending a quick text to Nora, Abbie explained the mess, apologized, and said that she was going to the hospital with Alex. Not quite satisfied, Abbie pulled her car out of the parking lot and headed towards the hospital.

A flash of her AUSA badge got her into the hospital ward pretty easily. The implication that Alex might be a federal witness was just enough that Abbie did not really have to explain much. Alex was awake when Abbie stepped into the ER room, and she looked up at the dark haired woman with a kind of absent emotional pain in her eyes that Abbie had not seen in her friend. "Baby girl, what happened?" Abbie asked, her voice hushed as she pulled a chair up to Alex's side, stroking her hair.

Alex turned to the nurse who was drawing blood and shrugged, refusing to meet Abbie's eyes. "I don't know. I'm just sick. I'm sorry."

Abbie's brow furrowed. "Alex, did you take something? Have you been taking something? It's okay to tell me if you have, and the staff is going to find out anyway when they run a tox screen."

"No," Alex said, shaking her head. "I swear. Just my normal medications. I took some aspirin for a headache yesterday, but that's about it."

The nurse stopped, watching Alex carefully. "Did you take more again, today?" he asked.

"Yea," Alex answered. "Why?"

"How much did you take?" he asked.

Alex shrugged. "I don't know. Two pills each time, maybe twice both days," she answered, pressing her lips together. "Why?"

"Acute aspirin poisoning," he said. "But, if you only took that much, you should be okay. You don't have a salicylate allergy, do you?"

Alex shook her head. "Not that I know of. I've never not been able to eat or drink or touch anything." She shifted uncomfortably, her hand over her stomach. "God, I hurt."

"When's the last time you ate?" the nurse asked suddenly.

"Yesterda-" Alex cut herself off, shaking her head. "Maybe Monday. Yea, Monday. Abbie made pancakes. I mean, I had a couple of snacks here and there, nuts, um, peanuts."

Abbie stared at her girlfriend, her eyes wide. "Alex, that wasn't this Monday. That was last Monday. You haven't eaten in almost two weeks?" Abbie exhaled in disbelief. "You didn't feel hungry all this time? Honey, I wish you had said something." She rested her hand on Alex's arm, but the blond jumped, gasping.

"I'll let the doctor know. It may help to start by getting some nutrients in you. That might be a lot of the problem. If you've been taking your anxiety medication on an empty stomach as well as aspirin, then you're in for a world of problems. I'll have Doc Iverson stop in as soon as she can." The nurse nodded his head softly. "In the mean time, I'll send these to the lab. Do you want me to get you another blanket?"

"Yes, please," Alex whispered, suddenly feeling too small to still be human. Pressing her lips together, she looked to Abbie who had been her rock through everything. "I'm really sorry, Abs. I got caught up. I didn't notice."

Abbie stroked her fingers down Alex's arm. "I know we're doing those weekly group meetings, honey, but maybe it's time to see an individual counselor on a weekly basis. I know you really don't want to, but I can't help but think it'll help. If nothing else, Alex, it'll give you someone else to talk to."

"I know," Alex murmured. "I had an appointment yesterday. Linda. She's really nice, but I just don't know. I can't even open up in group, and you're there. I don't think I can do the whole one on one thing, yet. I'm still swallowing the fact that my boss knows so many gruesome details. I don't even want to think about the detectives knowing."

Abbie pressed her lips together. "Do you think you can keep food down?" she asked, lacing her fingers in Alex's. "I mean real food, Alex."

"I guess. I just don't feel hungry. Or, when I do, it's in the middle of meetings and such, and I think I'll eat something after, but, then, I'm not hungry, so I forget."

Abbie nodded. "Did Peter make a big deal out of food?" she asked, her brow knit with curiosity.

"Not really. I mean, he would tell me that ice cream makes you fat or something if I suggested going out for dessert after a movie or something, but he didn't ever suggest I shouldn't eat it or that I needed to lose weight. Why?"

Abbie licked her lips. "I'm starting to think your relationship with Peter was far more abusive for far longer than you realized."

Shaking her head, Alex shrugged. "He never hurt me before that night, Abs. I swear."

"He never hurt you physically. Emotionally, he beat on you. If you could see the emotional damage he caused, Alex, your face would be black and blue." Abbie gently played with Alex's hair. "He doesn't deserve to dictate to you about what you do and don't put in your body. He may never have said anything, but he's put ideas in your head about food, about books, about art, about a lot of things, and I think that's why you get nervous about certain subjects. Like, how you push high carb foods away from your vegetables on your plate or how you hide those beautiful paintings in the back of your closest that are mildly sexual but the one with the scorned, vulnerable woman is front and center."

Alex offered a long, slow blink. She did not see what Abbie saw, but she also knew she was looking from inside herself. Still, she wanted to think that she would have noticed emotional manipulation. She wanted to think she would be smarter than that, but she was coming to learn that it was not about how smart a woman was. With the right kind of wear down, any woman could become a victim of abuse. And, he had worn her down. He had said all the right things, and when he said the wrong thing or Alex got upset about something, she became the one that needed to loosen up. Her mother's liberalism had not helped when it combated Alex's conservatism. Amelia Cabot did not understand her daughter's desire to remain sexually independent until after she was certain she had found the person she wanted to remain with. As such, when such topics came up, Alex had not had the maternal support that most women had. And, of course, there was no going to her father about such matters.

That lack of trust with her parents had made it difficult for her to seek support on emotional matters as well. They would often support Peter without realizing that was what they were doing. He spun slightly different accounts from her memory, and Alex had always just assumed that it was her memory which was at fault. She had begun to believe that if it was not law related, she just had a difficult time remembering it. She knew her intellect had to have its limitations, and when she had started on a felony docket, she had learned that there were a great many limitations. Remembering what transpired between her and Peter just seemed to be amoung those. As far as she was concerned, though, it still was not abuse.

"I just – I have a bad memory, that's all," Alex murmured, shaking her head. "I have a hard time remembering what happened."

"That's crap," Abbie answered. "And, you know it, Alex. Think about before you met Peter. Did you have a bad memory, then?" Alex shook her head. "And, now? Do we ever disagree on sequence of events?" Again, Alex shook her head. "So, your bad memory is related directly to Peter. That hardly sounds like the problem is your memory."

Alex shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. "I thought I was going crazy. I had a great boyfriend and a great job and a great life. I wanted to be happy. I thought I was happy, but the more time I've spent with you, the more I've realized that happy was the last thing I was."

"Do you think you'll become unattractive to people if you stop eating because of the weight you'll lose?" Abbie asked, her words slow and careful.

Alex started at her. "No," she said, but the word was a little too forceful. Even Alex did not believe herself, and that was a daunting thought. Sighing, she leaned back in her bed, arms wrapped around herself. "Maybe. Peter used to say he didn't like women who were all bones."

Nodding, Abbie rested her head on Alex's shoulder, holding her hand on Alex's thigh. "You're perfect, Alex, however you want to look. You're beautiful and perfect." Carefully, Abbie tipped her head up and kissed Alex's cheek.

"Lay down with me?" Alex asked, scooting over and tugging Abbie's hand. The brunette complied, crawling into the hospital bed with the other woman, holding her against her as she stroked her blond hair. Eventually, Alex drifted into sleep.

She was still out cold when the doctor returned, and Abbie gave the man a soft smile. "It's okay," Abbie whispered. "Come in."

"I don't want to wake her," the doctor said. "I'll just come back later."

Abbie shook her head. "Despite appearances, I'm prosecuting a case she's a victim in. Before the defense can drum up an 'Alex is a drug addict' story, can you at least tell me that she's clean of drugs?"

"She's clean of narcotics. Do you know if she's had any recent surgeries?" he asked.

Abbie nodded. "She was attacked, and the assault ruptured her uterine lining. She was cut open and stitched back together."

The doctor nodded, hooking a bag to Alex's IV pole and attaching the drip to the line already in her arm. "Has she been acting strangely lately or complaining of any aches or pains?"

Sighing, Abbie sat up. "I guess. She's been complaining mostly of headaches and abdominal cramping, but her period starts in a couple of days. We both brushed it off to that. I didn't realize she wasn't eating at all on top of it, so now that I know she was starving herself, it makes sense that her stomach would hurt. As far as strange behaviour, I don't know. She was brutally attacked twice by a man she thought she loved and then told by her parents that she was lying even with medical evidence backing her story. She has panick attacks, periods where she struggles to gain her breath, she says her vision goes out, she has blind fits of rage or sobbing. I'm not surprised by any of it. How is she supposed to behave after something like that?"

The doctor nodded. "Thanks for letting me know. They could be symptoms of more than just rape trauma syndrome or PTSD. Go ahead and hit the call button when she wakes up, please?"

"Sure," Abbie whispered, cuddling back up against Alex. In her sleep, Alex moaned, her fingers closing tightly around Abbie's shirt. Of every person Abbie had ever dated, not a single one had so openly trusted Abbie the way that Alex did. Despite her political aspirations and her hardness in court, Alexandra Cabot was really just naive and vulnerable, searching for someone who would protect her. Which, in all honesty, had thrown Abbie for a loop when she had realized the stark vulnerablity came from more than just the attack. In fact, she speculated, it was part of what had attracted a predator like Peter to her in the first place.

Alex woke up a few hours later, groggy, sore, and looking like she had been through hell. Abbie was curled in the chair beside the bed, a case file spread over her lap as she watched the blond woman run her hands through her tangled hair. Blinking, Alex watched Abbie as if she were about to fall asleep again. "I'm hungry," she murmured.

"Then, the antibiotics are working," Abbie mused.

Alex furrowed her brow. "For what?"

Abbie shrugged. "The doctor couldn't tell me. But, he didn't seem surprised that you've been pretty out of it." Tucking her notes away, Abbie closed the case file and set it on the table-tray. Gently, she reached over and picked up Alex's hand, cupping it in her own. "You know you can tell me anything, right, Alex? I know we haven't dated long, but we've known each other for years. You can trust me to keep your secrets."

Smiling softly, Alex nodded. "I know, Abs," she murmured. "But, I really am hungry."

Sitting back, Abbie laughed. "I'll let the nurses know. While you were out of it, they moved you up to the ICU, just so you know where in the hospital you are." Abbie left the room leaving Alex alone to ponder her situation as she stared at the IV pole with the bags hanging from it.

"Miss Cabot, glad to see you awake," a friendly woman in her mid to late forties beamed as she pushed open the curtains, Abbie behind her like a gentle giant, a head and half a torso taller than the nurse. "We'll just give you a quick once over. The doctor should be by shortly to check you over, and Miss Carmichael tells me you're hungry?"

Alex nodded. "Very."

"That's good. Once we get the okay from the doc, I'll get you a menu, and we'll order you something up from the kitchen."

"Thanks," Alex murmured, flushing softly. "What's wrong with me?"

"That's a question the doc'll answer, okay?" The nurse busied herself checking Alex's vitals. "I do need to ask you some questions one on one, though, is that alright?"

"I'll go get cocoa," Abbie answered, smiling reassuringly. She stepped out again, and Alex eyed the nurse suspiciously.

"Are you two dating?" the nurse asked. Alex nodded. "Are you sexually active?"

"Not really," Alex said. "I mean, we kiss, yes, but my ex-boyfriend literally left me for dead after raping me. I'm not exactly ready for -" Alex stared down at her hands, blinking rapidly even though she was not sure she had it in her to cry.

The nurse nodded. "I understand. Is everything okay at home now, though?"

"Yea," Alex said, smile crossing her lips. "It's beyond okay. Abbie's really great to me."

"You feel safe?"

Alex nodded. "I'm not in any danger from her. Why?"

"When they did the ultrasound, they found recent perferations to your uterus and abdominal lining. It would have been consistant with being repeatedly kicked. We just wanted to make sure you were safe."

Sage, Alex nodded. "My ex, his abuse did some internal damage, but they stitched me up. I have the scab to prove it."

"We saw that, too. It looked surgical. I'm sorry for what happened to you. If you need to talk to anyone, we can arrange to have a social worker come in and talk with you," the nurse offered.

Alex shook her head. "I appreciate it, but I'm okay. If you see Abbie out there, would you tell her it's safe to come back inside?"

"You got it," the nurse answered, taking her clip board with her as she left the room. It left Alex alone for a few minutes, and she zoned out, starting at the wall, wondering what had happened to her life to leave her sitting in the ICU with an IV antibiotic and staff asking questions about abuse and her previous surgery. In truth, she felt small, unimportant, and, in so many ways, as if she could never recover. A part of herself felt lost, stripped away from her all too suddenly, and while she was not desperate to get that back, she did not like what it had been replaced with, either.

As Alex fought the urge to simultaneously vomit and cry, a soft knock on the door drew her attention, and she looked up to see a skinny man in a long white coat. He has some distinct, Asian features, and the smile he gave her seemed fake, but she had the odd sense that he would, at least, not bull shit with her. "Alex? I'm Doctor Zheng. Glad to see you're awake. Shall we check you out and get you something to eat?"

"That would be nice," Alex murmured. "What happened?"

The doctor stepped forward, rechecking Alex's lung and heart sounds before answering. "Your surgical point internally got infected. Abbie told me you were taking antibiotics for it before, but they didn't get everything, apparently."

"I guess," Alex murmured. "So, I was septic?"

"Not quite, but you were right on that threshold. Another day or two, and you would have been."

Alex nodded. "I stopped drinking about two weeks ago. Would that have had anything to do with it?"

"Possibly. But, that's not a green light to drink. While you're body is still healing, at least, I would stay away from alcohol. It makes your blood harder to clot, and that's not good while you're healing from that kind of surgery."

Again, Alex nodded. "I didn't plan on it. I don't have a lot of control over how much I drink, and, in the past, I've had too much to drink. It was terrifying, and I don't plan on being back in that situation again." Alex bit her lip wondering where Abbie was. The Texan had surely gotten her cocoa by then, even if she had walked all the way to the cafeteria to get it. "Where's Abbie?"

"She's outside," the doctor answered. "She's been worried about you. I can't blame her. We tried to get her to go home this morning since you were sleeping pretty soundly, but she declined. I guess she called you out of work, too, because you had four police officers wanting to check in on you throughout the day."

Alex smiled softly. "Really? That's sweet of them."

"I told them you'd give them a call when you were ready for more visitors. You were out of it, and I didn't want them to wake you up. That Olivia woman is fiesty. She wouldn't leave without a status update. Abbie finally got her to calm down."

Laughing, Alex covered her mouth with her hand as she glanced down. "That's Olivia," she said. "When do I get to go home?"

"I'm afraid you're here through the weekend," the doctor said, shaking his head. "Especially since you were unresponsive to the first batch of antibiotics, we want to make sure this batch is good and through your system before letting you back out there. We don't want this infection to stick around."

A knock on the door drew Alex's attention away from the doctor. "Mind if I come back?" Abbie asked, her Southern accent sliding out and making Alex smile even though she knew it meant that Abbie was nervous and uncertain about something.

"Please," the doctor said, gesturing to the chair. "I was just explaining to Alex that we'll be keeping her for observation over the weekend."

Abbie nodded. "Okay. Alex, are you okay with that?"

"Not really, but if prevents another several days of feeling like this, I'll deal with it," Alex quipped with a grumble. She really was not thrilled to be stuck in the hospital, but she was medically savvy enough to understand that sepsis was very deadly and that her own refusal to deal with everything had likely aided in the degradation of her body from infection. If she had been honest and attentive to herself and had brought her concerns up to her doctor when she had initially had them, she would have avoided the trip all together. As it was, she had not wanted to admit that the problem might be serious, and, truthfully, she had not wanted to admit to Abbie that she was having the kinds of problems that she was having.

Abbie smiled. "What a trooper," she teased.

Pursing her lips, Alex resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at Abbie, but the reality was that she was still very juvenile. Despite her upbringing and the manner in which she conducted herself in public, in the privacy of the night on a yacht, she had been willing to jump into the freezing harbour in nothing but her underwear and bra. Some days, she still wished that, at the age of twenty five, she could go out and go clubbing or at least do questionable things that did not quite bridge into illegal activity. One such thing might be sticking her tongue out at her predecessor and girlfriend. But, years of nothing less than training as a Cabot had set her up that such an action was highly unlikely.

When the doctor left, Abbie looked to Alex, her eyes sad as she looked her over. "I know," Alex murmured. "I know. I need to stop doing this shit to myself."

"This wasn't your fault, Alex," Abbie murmured, picking up Alex's hand. "I don't know -" She hesitated, licking her lips. "I know we haven't been together long, but you've been my friend for years. I like you, Alex, and I don't know what I would do if you died. Sepsis can kill you. I'm glad it was caught before it became too dangerous, but I'm scared that your silence in this matter is more of a detriment. Having met your father, Alex, I understand your need to keep yourself private and not involve others in your personal affairs. And, if that's what you want, I fully support that. But, at the same time, I want you to know that you don't have to take on the world alone any more. I have no idea what the good parts of your relationship with Peter were like or what he used to justify his negative behaviours, but I want you to know that, with me, there's no judgment. If you need help, I will be here to provide it. And, if I can't, I'll help you find someone who can."

Alex flinched gently. "He said I was too clingy," Alex whispered. "That I wanted other people to solve my problems too often."

"Having worked with you professionally longer than he and you dated, Alex, I can attest to the fact that that's simply not true. You are far from clingy. You do your work alone, and you do it well. You're loathe to involve others. And, in this relationship, you've been anything but clingy. You've got a lot on your plate right now, Alex, and I would have thought you would have wanted to lean on me more than you have been, and that would be okay if that were the case. It's also okay that you don't need to lean on me as much. As your friend, Alex, I'm here in whatever capacity you need me to be. As your girlfriend, my concern and love for you as a friend comes before any romantic relationship we have." Abbie laced her fingers between Alex's and squeezed lightly.

Alex shook her head. "I know I'm clingy. I try not to be. But, it feels so much better having someone to hold me while I sleep. I have fewer nightmares. And, being close to you on the couch, knowing you'll answer the phone when I call or, if you're in court, call me back. I like those things. I shouldn't."

Pressing her lips together, Abbie smiled that smile of someone trying not to laugh. "Honey, that's not clingy," she said, brushing Alex's fingers across her lips. "That's a relationship. You're supposed to like cuddling with me and being comfortable calling me, and I'm supposed to like cuddling with you and answering my phone when you call. And, I do. It's okay to be vulnerable around the person you're dating. You're supposed to be able to trust me to help you and care for you and care about you."

"Do you?" Alex asked. Abbie's brow knit in confusion. "Trust me. Do you trust me?"

"With my life," Abbie answered, truth resonating in every word. "You know things about me that no one else does. I trust you with my secrets. I've told you about my history and my fears, and you haven't flinched. You've supported me. I trust you, Alex, because that is the kind of person you are. And, I hope that I'm that for you, too."

Alex scooted over on the bed, patting the small space beside her. Abbie slid into place, laying back against the pillow. Alex relaxed back as well, her head resting in the soft spot on Abbie's shoulder. Carefully, Alex draped an arm over Abbie's stomach, her fingers curling around her hip. She pressed her lips to Abbie's neck. "I'm going to be honest," she whispered. "I want to trust you, but the last person I trusted -" Alex trailed off, closing her eyes and drooping her head, her skin rising with a flush. "I'm sorry, Abbie."

For a few slow seconds, Abbie remained silent, stroking her fingers through Alex's hospital-tangled hair. "You have nothing to be sorry about, Alex. You're absolutely right. You trusted him, and he hurt you. He continues to hurt you even though he's not here any more." Carefully, Abbie ran her thumb over Alex's cheek and down her jaw line, pulling Alex's face up as she leaned over. "Look at me, honey."

Patiently, Abbie waited until Alex's eyes met and held hers, Alex's breath uneven against Abbie's neck. Abbie brought Alex's hand to her lips, brushing the backs of her fingers. "You don't owe him anything. You didn't. You never have. You don't owe anyone. You especially don't owe me anything. I hope that I will be able to prove myself worthy of your trust, but your hesitations, your fears, these are not faults on you. You have every right to not trust anyone. But, if you let me try, maybe I can be good enough for you to trust me."

Alex smiled softly, blinking rapidly. The Texan who was normally so quick to judge and to fault people, who took the blame when no one else would, and who had a talent for making people feel and seem like the lowest of the low had done nothing but softly and cautiously try to build Alexandra up, from the day Alex had contacted her, overwhelmed and drowning in her new unit. Cuddling up tightly against Abbie, Alex exhaled slowly, forcing her tense body to relax.

In some ways, she had absolutely expected that Abbie would lash out at her. It had nothing to do with her history with Abbie and everything to do with her history in relationships. It occurred to her how seldom it was that she genuinely spoke out. Alex had been an outspoken child courtesy of her mother's liberalism and parenting style, believing that Alex should be able to say what she wanted to say. On the flip side, though, her father had been very domineering. He had liked an outspoken Alex as long as she behaved demurely in the home. And, that was what Alex had done. So, in personal relationships, she had learned, rather than be scolded by her father, to be demure. And, when she had entered the dating world, that had translated moderately well, especially since the men she had been interested in had never taken true interest in a powerhouse of a young woman. Alex had even been told, by her mother no less, that unless she learned to curb her tongue, she would be single for a very long time.

Then, Peter had come along, and she had thought he liked that about her. She had thought he had encouraged her willfull, stubborn nature and her intellect, but as Abbie had pointed out, the abuse Alex had survived had not been primarily physical in nature. He had manipulated her. The more she recounted the days, weeks, and months she had spent dating the stock broker, the more her hindsight became clear. Whenever she had practiced her opening arguments, he had tweaked them, slowly convincing her that she needed to use him as a sounding board. She had become stressed and even manic when he was not available before a trial. His gaslighting her, making her feel forgetful and crazy had only increased her dependency on him. Some days, she would swear to something only to have Peter, the only witness, tell her she must have forgotten. He had always seemed so certain. Abbie was right, though, her forgetfulness had cropped up once she began dating Peter. She had a mind like a diamond all through college.

Eventually, Alex realized she was crying; soft, wet tears tripped down her cheeks and into Abbie's shirt. And, Abbie was saying nothing, just watching the blond attorney as she silently cried, fingers gently untangling the knots in her hair. Abbie smiled as she realized Alex knew she was being watched. Tentatively, Alex wiped at her tears, biting her lower lip as if she were embarrassed.

"It's okay, Alex," Abbie whispered, rubbing her thumb over Alex's lower lip, pulling it free from her teeth. "I'll do everything in my power to protect you."

Try though she might, Alex could not stop the tears. Abbie just brushed them gently aside. "I'm sorry," Alex whispered, her voice catching in her throat. "I can't make them stop."

"Then, let them come, Alex," Abbie murmured. "There is no shame in crying."

"I don't want to cry," Alex said, a stubborn tint returning to her still soft voice.

Abbie smiled, shaking her head. "Why not?" she asked.

Alex swallowed the lump forming in her throat. Still, her fingers tightened on Abbie's hip, and she pressed herself closer, wanting to feel the sense of safety and comfort that Abbie seemed to always be able to give her. "Because I cry too much," she finally forced.

Sighing, Abbie adjusted the blanket over Alex. "There's no such thing," she said. "You cry just as much as you need to cry to feel better, and that's never too much. Honey, this is your body and your brain's way of saying it's hurting. It wants safety and comfort and kindness. It wants to know that there's light on the other side of all of this terrible darkness. You've been hurt, and your brain's just getting rid of all of that extra pain and emotion at the same time it's looking for things and places and people who make it remember that there's still good in this world. There's still a safety net and comfort and that you're cared for."

Alex just cried harder. "Shut up and hold me," she whispered, and Abbie pulled her closer, stroking her hair and humming. "And, stop being so fucking perfect." Alex let out a half-sob, half-hiccup, her body shaking.

As Alex cursed, though, Abbie just smiled. Maybe, she thought, she was getting somewhere with the blond. Her vulnerable, sweet, confused, hurting, tough as nails Alex. After being her mentor through the Baby DA program and remaining her friend and mentor within the DA's office, Abbie had thought that Alex could not surprise her any more, not in who she was. But, it turned out, Alex had been able to do just that. She claimed to not trust herself to trust others, but it had to take a lot of trust, Abbie thought, to be so openly vulnerable when, in the past, it seemed like many of Alex's vulnerabilities had been abused or dismissed by the very people charged with protecting her.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: So, you guys are awesome and so good for the ego. Thank you for the reads and the reviews. I am glad that, even if you would not have normally enjoyed an Abbie-Alex pairing that you are enjoying this one so far. **

Chapter Thirteen

CONTENT WARNING - Mild sexual intimacy (near the end)

Alex crossed her legs as she pulled a file closer to her. She had been released from the hospital and relegated to a split work life. At Nora's insistence, though likely more from Abbie's persuasion of Nora, Alex was working mostly from home, other attorneys on the SVU docket handling the minor issues in her cases. Major court dates and trials would still be Alex's, but Nora had her on semi-leave until she was cleared by the doctor. Her weekend in the ICU had turned into six days, and she was not happy about it. Complications from the first round of antibiotics had left her stuck on a second type. Eating had been a daily battle, though, because the medicine had made it difficult to swallow anything, including water.

While Alex had come to respect Nora more than she had as a mere colleague in the profession and superior in the office, Alex knew that the primary reason was because Peter was still refusing a plea deal. It would not due to have Alex hospitalized or dead of infection, although, if she were dead, it would raise the charges from attempted second degree murder to a completed offense. It would stick Peter in prison for a lot longer, but Alex was not in a position where she found her demise to be the best option. She still felt that she had so much to live for. There were goals she had that she would accomplish if only because she really wanted it.

Her phone rang, startling her. Heart pounding in her throat, Alex pressed the speaker to her ear. "This is Alex," she said.

"Alex, it's Elliot," the familiar male detective chirped on the other end of the line. "How are you doing?"

"I feel like I live in the ICU," she quipped, sighing. "I've been banned from my office again. I'm starting to think they don't want me around in Sex Crimes." She was only teasing, of course. Both Liz and Nora had made it clear they liked her in Special Victims. She was really the only one in the unit with the political drive to swallow the pill that came with the unit. It was why she was catching a lot of blame in the unit, and she knew it. Of course, Lena aside, none of the judges knew about the case, either. Everything was sealed at the request of the DA and granted by the judge. Even the defense attorney seemed to understand just how bad it would be for his client if things went public. Alex may have been seen as an Ice Queen, but the Cabot family was known in the political sector for its pull. If Peter decided to take Alex head on in the public eye, Alex knew the blood hounds would go to politicians her family had helped on campaign. And, because victim's rights were becoming a bigger and bigger deal in the voter's eye, Alex knew every single one of them up for re-election would back a Cabot before they backed a Feldman. Peter might have come from old money, but his family did not have the pull Alex's did.

Elliot chuckled. "Would it make you feel better if I said we wanted you?"

"Mmm," Alex hummed. "What do you need from me?"

That time, Elliot genuinely laughed. "Would you be able to come in? We have a defense attorney looking to make a deal."

"Which case?" Alex asked, unaware of any warrants that had gone out from her end recently – that did not necessarily mean much. Sometimes, it took weeks to catch the perpetrator after the warrant was signed, and they did have several outstanding warrants for prime suspects in a variety of cases.

"Tollie," Elliot said. "Perp walked in this morning with You'll-Never-Guess-Who as counsel." Alex could hear the irritation in his voice. Heck, she could practically hear the eye roll.

"Langan," she mumbled, biting her lower lip. "Maybe I won't plea on the case just to spite him."

"I'm okay with that," the detective quipped.

Alex sighed. "If only I could do that. Give me twenty minutes. I'm coming from home."

"Right," he teased, "would that be a two bedroom apartment?"

Scoffing, Alex shook her head. "I'm surprised, detective. Do you think me not a lady?"

"It's not you I'm worried about," Elliot answered. "Don't forget, I worked with Abbie, too. She gets what she wants, too."

Taken aback, Alex froze, her lower lip between her teeth. She understood the innuendo, but she quickly recovered, pretending that she did not. "Maybe that's why she's a federal prosecutor now," Alex said as she made a mental note to talk to Abbie about the more subtle signs each woman was apparently giving off.

"Uh huh. I'm sure." The background noises faded away with the click of a door, and Elliot's voice was softer. "Hey, look, none of us are saying it's a bad thing. You deserve to be with someone who'll protect you, and Abbie will murder anyone who goes near you."

Alex flushed, grateful that the conversation was happening over the phone and he could not see it. Closing her eyes, Alex sighed. "I'll be down in twenty minutes, Elliot. I appreciate it."

Hanging up, Alex stood up, stretching her body out. She was sore from her stint in the ICU where she was not allowed to walk around except with a nurse. And, as the least critical patient in the ward, Alex had tried to not bother the nursing staff too much. Apparently, Alex's hip still showed signs of the fracture from the second attack, and the staff had not been comfortable with her walking around with an infection while still injured. Because Abbie and Alex were about the same size, the staff had not permitted Abbie to walk Alex around, either, lest Alex fall and take Abbie down with her.

Pulling on slacks and a sweater, Alex headed down to the precinct. She did not have the file on her, but Tollie rang a familiar bell in her head. Alex knew the evidence in that case the same way she knew the evidence in her own. Jazz Tollie was pinned down and raped by her boyfriend in an alley outside of a nightclub. They had been partying that night, and her boyfriend had wanted her to give him a blow job. Jazz had told him no in about ten times as many words, but according to the bar tender who was nearby when the conversation took place, it was clear that she wanted nothing to do with the man she was with or his penis. That was enough for Alex.

Finding Edward Truman, however, had been another story. The first issue was, of course, that Edward Truman was not his real name. They had been dating for only two weeks, but it did leave a bad taste in Alex's mouth. It turned out, his name was Edward Klick. At least he had not changed his first name. He had been a pain to track, and Alex had been glad that the detectives had that job and not her. She had no idea where to start on those kinds of things.

"Mister Langan, so good to see you," Alex said as she sat down across the metal table from the defense counselor and his client. "So glad you brought your client by-" She flipped open her calendar. "Two months after the warrant went out."

"My client has been hassled by police several times in the jurisdiction where he is living. It's too far for extradition. He just wants to clear all of this up."

Alex nodded. "Impressive," she said, looking at Klick pointedly. "You've been contacted by police how many times in the last two months?"

"Don't answer that," Langan said as Edward opened his mouth. "Alex, you know as well as I do that it doesn't matter."

"Actually, it does," Alex said, licking her lips softly. "Every time your client was stopped by the police, just goes to show how dedicated he is to disobedience to the law, suspicious behaviour, poor choices. Do you remember Jazz? You lied to her about your name. Did you intend to hurt her the entire time you with her? Is that why you lied, because you didn't want to be found later if you had to force her to have sex – or, did you lie because you thought if you knocked her up that she wouldn't be able to find you?"

"That bitch -" Edward snapped, standing and lunging over the table at Alex. The blond attorney stood as well, jumping backwards as her chair fell. Both Langan and Detective Stabler held Klick back. Olivia pushed Alex back to the wall, standing between the attorney and the defendant, her hands up. Edward shrugged his shoulders, holding his hands up.

Nodding, Alex stepped to the side of Olivia, her brows popping. "Excellent display of self control," she mumbled, using anger to conceal the fact that she was more than a little frightened by the lunge.

"Alex," Trevor said, "can was chat – counsel to counsel?"

Suspicious, Alex nodded, the two of them stepping out of the interview room. They both lowered their voices, and Trevor stepped closer to her, his hand on her arm. It took everything Alex had not to pull away in disgust. They had been a failed relationship in their undergraduate years, and she had no intentions of a repeat performance despite the fact that Trevor had never disguised his continued interest in her. "Alex, come on. I think we both know what's happening here," he purred.

"We do?" Alex asked, clearly annoyed. "Enlighten me."

"This is about what happened to you. Look, I turned down your ex when he told me who the victim in the case was, but that doesn't mean you can take it out on other people. I'm really sorry for what happened between you two, whatever it was, but -"

Alex's mouth dropped as she pulled away, not even trying to hide the contempt on her face. "Are you kidding me right now?" she hissed. "My ex came to you looking for a defense counselor, and you didn't have the professional courtesy to tell me you turned him away? Trevor -"

"Look, I didn't know what it was about. He asked me about the restraining order, by the way, the civil one. I was originally going to take it until I saw your name on the plaintiff's end of the matter. You and I have a long history, Alex, stemming from before law school. I was a bit hurt that you didn't trust me to help you when he hurt you. And, I get your anger at him. You have every right to be angry, but that does not mean that you get to take it out on everyone else's ex-boyfriend."

"Violent ex-boyfriend," Alex stubbornly corrected. "And, I'm not taking anything out on your client. He cannot control himself. He cannot control his anger. He has two domestic violence assault convictions already with other women. And, that night, when Jazz said no, he dragged her into the back alley and he forced himself on her anyway. So, unless you can offer me a lucrative plea, Trevor, we're done here."

Turning on her heel, Alex began to walk off. She was stopped in her tracks, though, when Trevor called out, loudly enough for the uniformed officers to hear, "Did he rape you, Alex? Is that why you're out to get Eddie, because you can't go after the man who violated you?"

Wanting to vomit, Alex turned around, her hand connecting with Trevor's cheek before she could stop herself. She was shocked. Even Trevor looked shocked, his lips slightly parted. "Oh, my God," he breathed, his hand covering the red on his cheek. "He did. Alex, I'm so sorry." He pressed his lips together. "Maybe for your own health, you should take a break from this unit. I don't want to see you spiral out of control."

Alex stared at Trevor, her eyes hard, but it was Olivia who spoke. "Your client's being booked. Maybe you should leave. You can meet with him again in lockup tomorrow if you must."

As Trevor left, Alex disappeared the opposite direction, towards the locker rooms, thoroughly humiliated in front of several precinct officers who had not known the prosecutor had even been the victim of a crime let alone a more recent victim of a sexual assault.

Rubbing her cheeks, Alex focused her energy on not crying as she bit hard at her cheek. Her heart was thudding in her chest. In a matter of seconds, she was fighting to breathe as she shook, sliding down the locker onto the floor. The door opened, and she jumped, her eyes wide, breaths coming in pants. Eventually, she succumbed to the tears, gasping as she grabbed shoulders, trembling. "Alex," Olivia's soft voice carried over her sobs.

As a hand touched her knee, Alex yelped and drew away. "Go away," she mumbled.

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere," Olivia said, crouching down to Alex's height. "You're stuck with me. I care about you, Alex. You're not shaking me."

Biting her lower lip, Alex looked at Olivia. Her hands were still shaking, and breathing hurt. "I – I want to go home," Alex whispered.

"Do you want me to call Abbie?" Olivia asked.

Alex shook her head. "No. Abbie's in court today. I'll be fine. I'm just going to walk."

"No," Olivia said, shaking her head. "Alex, let me drive you."

Squeezing her eyes shut, Alex shook her head fiercely. "No," she whispered. "No, I can't."

"Alex," Olivia murmured. "Then, I'm just going to follow you all the way home. You may as well let me drive. Heck, you can drive." Olivia smiled warmly. "You can't tell me Alexandra Cabot hasn't ever wanted to drive a police cruiser before?"

Shaking her head, Alex sighed. "Actually, it never occurred to me," she admitted. "But, I guess I'll take the ride to avoid the lecture."

Olivia grinned. "Abbie's got you on a tight leash?"

"I don't blame her," Alex admitted. "I've nearly died as many times in as many weeks. I can't seem to stay healthy. My mental health is on a downward spiral. If I could, I'd be in the bar right now. I just want to drink until I forget all of this shit ever happened." Sucking her lower lip into her mouth, Alex stared down at her hands in her lap as she pulled at a stray string. "I mean – Why me? I tried to be so good, the child any parent could want. I did well in school. I'm good at my job. I try to be a good person. I know I'm not perfect. I have tons of flaws, but I didn't think any of them were bad enough to deserve this. I want my choices back. I want control of my life back. I'm twenty five. I'm supposed to be figuring out love and marriage and children. I'm supposed to figure out my future. I wanted to go into politics. I wanted kids." She choked on her sobs. "My own kids."

Olivia sat down beside Alex, scooting up beside her. "I get that, Alex," Olivia said, her voice soft. "The things he did to you, they aren't right and they aren't fair. The courts can't punish him in a way that gets you back what he took from you. There's no justice in the courts when it comes to this kind of thing. I wish there was. But, the only justice you're going to find is the justice you give yourself. It's not the life you imagined living, and I'm so sorry. But, it's still your life. You still have so much of it to live and love. It's okay to grieve for what you've lost, but don't make your life about grieving. Make it about living." Olivia paused, licking her lips. "I think Abbie's falling for you. And, I'll tell you what, in these last three months, I've seen a lot worth falling for. And, let's be honest – I think you're falling for her, too."

"She's my safety net," Alex admitted, pushing the remaining tears from her face. "I'd probably be dead without her."

"Probably?" Olivia said, shaking her head. "Alex, you have no idea how forceful she can be. You have no idea how worried she can be. I mean, she called and couldn't get a hold of you, so she called every single one of us frantic, demanding we break into your apartment. You could have had the flu for all we knew, but she – she was so worried. She would have kicked down your door with or without us. Abbie's cared about you for a long time, Lex, which is impressive because the entire time she was with this unit, I didn't think she could really care about anyone. I mean – we were taking bets on whether or not she was a socio-path. And, then, she just sort of spills out over you, and it was like – oh, we get it. I hope you see it. And, I hope that that is enough to keep you fighting right now."

"Really?" Alex murmured, tilting her head back against the locker as she sighed. "So, it's obvious we're together?"

"Kinda," Olivia answered. "Why do you sound so upset about that?"

Alex shrugged. "It's not like Abbie comes in here, Olivia. You don't see us interacting, but you still know we're together. She's prosecuting my ex for what he did to me. It's unethical for her to be in a relationship with me. She could lose her license. If the defense finds out and calls her out at trial -"

"I don't think they have any idea, Alex," Olivia chided. "Don't forget, Abbie charged us with listening to his phone calls. Obviously, we don't know what he's saying to his lawyer, but to his friends and family, we absolutely do. But, you forget, Alex, we know Abbie. And, in the three months you've been with this unit, we've come to know you, too. You really don't strike any of us as the kind of person to put up with a roommate if something weren't going on."

Nodding, Alex stood up. "I'm sorry," she mumbled. "With the trial in a few weeks, I'm just nervous."

"You have every right to be, Alex," Olivia said. "Just don't forget that as nerve wracking as it all is, you have people in this squad who support you. We're here for you, even when we're hard on you. If you need something, let us know."

"Thank you," Alex mumbled.

Carefully, Olivia slid her arm through Alex's holding her forearm gently. "Let's get you home, counselor. It's been a day."

"Tell me about it," Alex mumbled, following Olivia's lead and heading out of the locker room.

At the door, they separated, and Olivia grabbed her keys and her coat from the desk. "I'll be back soon," she told Elliot, her partner.

He nodded. "Hey, Cabot." Alex turned, acknowledging the detective with a look. "I underestimated you. You got Langan good."

Alex flushed and looked down. She was not really about physical violence. Despite her beliefs on the death penalty, she also did not believe in physically assaulting someone if it could absolutely be avoided. There were times when she wanted to punch someone, but she had never followed through until that day when she slapped a defense attorney in the middle of a precinct filled with police. Hurriedly, Alex followed Olivia out of the precinct and to the parking garage. If he had been anything other than a defense attorney and he had done anything other than call her out the way he had, she might have been walking out of there with a misdemeanor assault ticket.

Olivia used Alex's key card to gain access to the apartment building's garage. One of the things Alex had been very careful about was being seen entering and exiting the building. When she left or came in on foot, she usually took the fire stairs and used a key security had given her so that the alarm did not set off. Security at the building had been more than happy to help out once Abbie had explained the situation briefly, and Alex had been grateful. Abbie seemed less concerned that a defense investigator might be following her around, but Alex was still paranoid about it. When Alex drove, she only entered and exited her vehicle once it was in the apartment garage or the DA garage, either way, in total private. And, she had made a habit of wearing sunglasses and hats while driving. The car was also registered in Abbie's name despite the fact that Abbie kept calling Alex paranoid for having her do that since Peter was still incarcerated. Still, it made Alex feel just a little more safe, and that was important at that juncture.

Alex fell asleep on the couch, emotionally drained and physically exhausted. She had tossed and turned a lot the night before resulting in very little sleep, and it was catching up to her in the early afternoon hours.

She awoke to a soft kiss brushing against her lips. It was no longer an unfamiliar way to wake up and certainly not an unwanted way to wake up. Alex smiled softly as she looked up at Abbie.

"Good morning," Abbie whispered.

"Good morning," Alex murmured back. "You're home early?"

"It's almost seven. I'm actually running late." Abbie pointed to a bag on the coffee table though. "I picked up Chinese. I tried calling, but when you didn't answer, I figured you were wading through case files."

"Just exhausted," Alex mumbled. "I slapped Langan today."

Abbie's eye brows popped. "It's about time someone did," she quipped. "What did he do?"

"Turned Peter away on the restraining order because I was the victim," Alex grumbled, tucking her legs under her as Abbie handed her a carton and a pair of chopsticks. She had been doing better eating since being admitted to the hospital a few days prior with another infection. Some days were still more of a fight than others, but Abbie was a constant reminder to consume food. The biggest fight, Alex was beginning to realize was her overall attitude towards food. When she had told Abbie that Peter had repeatedly told her that he did not like women who were "too skinny," a part of her seemed to believe that if she lost weight, he would not be interested in harassing her any longer. While he had not while he had been in jail, her memories still existed in that place, and the broken record in her head was proving difficult to change.

Alex had also been keeping Abbie up to date with every sniffle, stomach ache, and hot flash. In part, Alex believed Abbie when she said she would kill her for neglecting herself again. In part, Alex was afraid of slipping into that destructive place again and actually dying.

Settling in with her carton, Abbie gave Alex a confused look. "I thought that would be a good thing? I mean, at least he's got some decorum."

Alex fixed Abbie with a hard look. "He then proceeded to announce to the entire precinct that I had been raped and accused me of being too traumatized to prosecute for the unit." She stared into the box of beef lo mein, stabbing at it with a chop stick. "Every cop in the vicinity heard, Abs. They all stared at me. I – it was humiliating. These are officers who are supposed to trust my judgment and my ability in prosecuting the criminals they bring in. And, now, they don't."

"He deserved a lot more than a slap," Abbie said, "but don't sell yourself short with the officers. You have done nothing shy of working miracles in that unit these past three months, Alex. You have proven you can keep your head on in these trials and these cases. No one thought you were any more self serving than any other prosecutor before. And, I really don't think it's the cops you're going to get complaints from if you're a little too hard on your deals."

Alex smiled. "This is why you need to be my official pep-talk person."

Laughing, Abbie leaned over and kissed the blond. "I am your official pep-talk person," she teased. "You just need to cash in on my services a lot more."

"Oh, you think?" Alex giggled. Abbie nodded. "Well, you are the expert."

Their food was forgotten on the coffee table as Alex pulled Abbie closer, the brunette sliding between Alex's legs, their mouths kissing and sucking and nipping at the other's. Alex felt undeniably safe around Abbie, and it was that safety that allowed her to open up while simultaneously holding her back. He had been safe. But, Abbie was – she was a different kind of safe. Alex could not quite describe it.

She knew, too, there was some thrill in their relationship being significantly more secretive than her previous relationship. Her parents did not know. If they did, they would be very disappointed – not because it was a lesbian relationship but because a lesbian relationship seriously impacted her political career. It was not discussed at work. No one asked her how her girlfriend was the way they had asked her how her boyfriend was. Though her uncle knew she was seeing a woman, there was no friendly teasing from anyone in her family about the potential for marriage. That created a different kind of intimacy for Alex, one that said that their relationship was all theirs, that they did not have to share it with the rest of the world.

Carefully, Alex slid her hands down Abbie's arms, her fingers unsnapping her wristwatch and sliding it from her hand. Freed of her watch, Abbie moved her own hand up, her fingers tangling in Alex's hair, tugging her head back down to the arm of the couch as she pushed herself closer, sandwiching Alex. Despite her involvement in the kiss and the distinct lack of air that was making her head rush, Alex did her best to focus on the buttons under her fingers. They never took it further, but Alex, it turned out, had a bit of a fetish for having Abbie's skin under her hands.

The fact that Alex was still awkward meant that she had the curiosity of a high schooler, the intensity of a woman, and the skills of an IT virgin. Abbie did not mind in the least. She usually took charge, and she was happy to pepper kisses over Alex's mouth, jaw, and neck, leaving tiny hickies just below Alex's collar bone. Alex moaned as Abbie sucked on the sensitive flesh right in the middle of her collar, her nails dragging up Abbie's skin.

Shuddering, the federal prosecutor bit down lightly, and Alex gasped, squeaking in pleasure. "Abbie," Alex whined as the named woman nibbled a line up to Alex's ear, playing with the lobe with her tongue.

"Oh, Christ, Abbie." Alex jerked her head to the side, one hand resting on her stomach between them as the electrical impulse that had shot through her faded into a light tingle.

Concerned, Abbie adjusted so that she was looking down into Alex's eyes. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yea," Alex mumbled, "fine. I just – I don't know. It was like, for a second, my whole body was on fire."

"Is that -" Abbie said, each word slow.

"Good," Alex interrupted. "Yea. Yea, it felt good. It was just a little weird, that's all. I mean – things feel good with you always, but that – I don't know. It was different."

Abbie smiled, tiny and mysterious. "Want me to do it again?" she asked, a slight grin forming on her lips.

For several seconds, Alex watched Abbie's eyes, her own eyes darting about Abbie's face. Then, she nodded. "Yea," she breathed."Please."

Abbie dropped her head so that her breath was hot on Alex's cheek. Slowly, deliberately, she brushed her lips over the skin along Alex's jaw, her hot breath hitting Alex's ear. The blond groaned, her eyes fluttering shut of their own accord. Abbie moved away just enough to run her flattened tongue over the bend in Alex's jaw up to her ear, enclosing the lobe in her mouth. She curled her tongue around Alex's ear lobe and sucked gently.

Beneath her, Alex bucked, the entire motion involuntary, as she gasped, a deep, desperate moan breaking from her lips. Alex's fingers tightened on Abbie's back, holding them together as Abbie played with the flesh in her mouth until Alex's breaths were alternating moans and gasps between pants. Abbie discretely but deliberately slid so that one thigh was pressed at the mound between Alex's legs, the blonde attorney still fully clothed. Alex did not seem to notice or did not care, her body still wiggling and twitching beneath Abbie's. "A- A- Abs- Abbie," Alex whimpered.

Abbie nearly pulled away, but Alex's hands were tight on her back, keeping her body close to hers. Alex's body went rigid, her entire body clinging to Abbie, shaking. The blond could do little more than pant, her breaths short and frantic. She whimpered, her head dropping back, lips parted, eye lids fluttering. Carefully, Abbie kissed her way from Alex's ear to her mouth, tiny, opened mouthed pecks. Alex responded with an opened mouth kiss of her own, taking Abbie's tongue in her mouth and sucking gently.

When they parted, though, and Abbie sat up, Alex sat up, her arms huddled around herself. Alex's eyes glistened, and Abbie was not sure if she ought to stay close or give Alex some space. Fortunately, Alex made the choice for her as she leaned against the brunette, pressing her face into Abbie's chest. The unmistakeable sound of a sob hiccuped from Alex, and Abbie wrapped a protective arm around her. "Are you okay?" Abbie asked, worried she may have crossed that line they were both terrified of crossing.

Alex nodded, but the hot tears down her cheeks said something different.

"Alex," Abbie said. "Talk to me. If that was too much, I'm sorry. If I did something wrong, I'm sorry, too. Talk to me, baby girl. Let me know."

For several seconds, Alex just huddled and cried in Abbie's arms. "Nothing's wrong," she whispered. "I wanted it. I wanted it to happen."

Abbie understood. She pet Alex's hair, pressing a kiss into her temple. "Baby girl," she murmured, "it will take time to heal. And, you deserve the time, the space, and the support – whatever that looks like for you. I will never truly understand what you experienced or what you're experiencing, but I will be here for you, as your friend, first and foremost."

"I know," Alex mewled, still clinging to Abbie. "I let myself enjoy this, enjoy you, because I know you won't hurt me. I just – I wasn't expecting all of this to just come bubbling out." She sniffed, wiping at her eyes. "I feel safe and wanted, nothing like what he made me feel. I don't know why I'm crying. I'm not upset or sad or frightened. I just can't stop."

"Catharsis," Abbie said with a warm smile. "It's called catharsis. And, you're safe here." Abbie pressed her face against the top of Alex's head, blinking back her own tears. "You'll always be safe here."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

One hand to her forehead, Alex twirled the empty glass in her hands. She chewed at her lower lip, her mind a hundred different places all at once, and none of the were all that great.

"Want another one, sug?" the bartender asked with a warm Southern drawl.

Alex nodded as she looked up at the man. He was built in that sleek way, the one that said he was no gym rat but he could hold his own in a brawl. In fact, looking at him, she could tell his nose had been broken at least once, and the scars on the backs of his knuckles stood out in a white contrast to his olive skin. He was the kind of guy she could see in a pair of jeans and a cowboy hat riding bare back and shirtless on a horse in a wheat field. Typical city girl, though, she had no idea what cowboys were supposed to look like except for the images Hollywood induced, and she knew those could not be accurate.

"Wanna talk about it?" he asked, setting a tumbler of whiskey in front of her. "You look like you got rung out."

Snickering, Alex shook her head. "Something like that," she mumbled. "Except, you make it sound so simple."

"Sometimes, sug, it's a lot more simple than we think it is," he said, offering her a quick smile before sliding over to another customer to take a drink order.

Closing her eyes, Alex downed the tumbler, focusing on the burn in her throat. She had promised Abbie some weeks ago that she would do her best to stop drinking. Except, as usual, her best was not good enough, and Alex found herself nearing the rock bottom portion of a downward slide. At least, she hoped it was rock bottom because she did not want to challenge herself to dig herself any deeper.

The bartender handed her another drink without a word as he stepped back in front of her. Quietly, he leaned against the bar. "Hey, sug, I'm off in ten minutes. How about you and me and a game of pool, something to distract you from whatever's got you so upset?"

Surprised, Alex worked her mouth, unable to form words. "Um," she finally sputtered.

He chuckled. "Repeat after me," he instructed. "'Yes, Marc, I would appreciate that, thank you.'"

"Thank you," Alex echoed, nodding. "Drowning myself in a game of pool is much better than drowning myself in a bottle of whiskey."

The bar man laughed. "You haven't done that, yet," he teased. "I wouldn't let you. But, how about you chase that one with a Sprite and some nachos, on the house?"

Alex sighed, feeling light headed. "You're probably right," she mumbled. "I always was a light weight."

Marc chuckled, smiling gently. "Then, we should definitely get some food in you."

Alex scoffed, but she toyed with the straw on the Sprite he gave her until he returned with a plate of nachos dripping in cheese and fresh from the jar jalepenos. "Delicious," she said, wrinkling her nose.

Again, the man laughed. "The drunker you get, the better they taste," he said.

She nibbled at a chip. "Then, I'm afraid I'm not drunk enough yet."

"Promise to moderate, and you can have another double," he said, raising a brow in her direction. Alex nodded sullenly, and he set another tumbler in front of her, clearing away the two empty ones.

Her eyes locked on his, Alex picked up a chip, swallowed it with the minimum number of chews necessary, and then downed the double like it was the sugar after the medicine. Gagging, Alex shook her head. "Dear God," she hissed. "People eat this crap?"

"All the time," he said. "What do you prefer?"

Alex shook her head. "No offense, but not nachos."

"How about pasta?" he asked. "There's an Italian place down the street that's pretty good. And, I know the owner."

"I bet you do, stud," Alex murmured, eying him suspiciously.

Marc shook his head. "My intentions are pure, little lady," he said, warm smile gracing his lips. He reached out with a slow motion and pulled Alex's shirt collar away from her skin. "Hickey's still fresh. I'm not the kind of guy to encroach on another man's territory."

Sighing, Alex shook her head. "You wouldn't be," Alex mused, covering her hickey with her hand as she bit her lower lip.

"Really?" he asked, his brows raised as though hopeful.

"He's a woman," Alex clarified. "And, I don't know where we stand." She shook her head. "I'm too confused for a triangle, though, Marc. I don't even know what I'm doing with a line."

Marc smiled. "Fair enough," he said. "Dinner offer is still on the table. You just look like you could use a friend, and if you came here alone, you don't have any friends you trust with whatever's going on up there." He gestured to her head.

Alex pressed her lips together. "Up there, in here," she murmured, her hand over her heart. "I'm hurting." She paused, looking at the bartender suspiciously. "If I agree to pasta after you get off, does that mean I get another double now?"

Marc laughed. "You are well on your way to becoming an alcoholic," he quipped.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I've already surpassed that," Alex said. "I just want to forget."

Without another word, Marc set the tumbler in front of Alex. She did not hesitate to down it as another bartender walked over. "Alright, Marc," she said with a plastic smile, "I'll move into your section. Hank says you're good to head out. See you tomorrow?"

"As always," he said, closing out his till. "You ready, sug?" The question was directed to Alex.

"Sure," Alex said with a nod.

As he stepped away, the female bartender leaned forward. "You're not special," she murmured. "He leaves with a different woman every night."

Alex pressed her lips together and leaned in towards the other woman. "Then I guess I am special," she whispered, "because I'm a lesbian, and he's still buying me dinner."

The woman jerked away with a look of disgust before she stomped to another customer.

"Ignore her," Marc said, his hand lightly on her hip.

"She's just jealous?" Alex asked, laughing softly. "It's okay. I can see why she's got a crush on you."

"Amanda?" he asked, shaking his head. "No way. She just hates to think about anyone getting laid more than her." Alex side stepped away from him, giving him a reprimanding look. "Oh, I know we're not having sex tonight. I'm still interested in pasta."

Alex slid closer, though she remained aloof. "So, what do you get out of it?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Hopefully, a new friend."

"Huh," Alex murmured. "I'm not so sure your intentions are pure, Marc."

He just smiled, taking her arm in his and holding her close to him. She bit her lower lip as she considered the many possible paths she could walk down that night.

It was gone four in the morning when Alex stumbled in, her shoes dangling from her fingers. Her hair was a tangled mess, blouse pulled from her skirt, and buttons done haphazardly. Her lipstick was smeared across her cheek, and rivulets of mascara ran down her face. "Abth?" Alex slurred, sinking to the floor as the door swung shut behind her.

"Oh, God, Alex," Abbie murmured, rushing over to the blond's side from the kitchen, stroking her hair from her face. "What happened, baby?" There was panic in Abbie's eyes that had been there for hours. Abbie's phone had been in her hands as she had waited for word from the blond, unable to contact her when she reached out since shortly after Alex had left work that evening.

Alex sobbed, pushing the dark haired woman away from her. "Duntouchmeee," she slurred, shoving Abbie back when the gentle shoves did not work. "Imdir-eee."

"You're drunk," Abbie murmured. "What bar did you go to?"

Alex shrugged, her lips a thin line. "Iunna. I dun emember."

"Okay," Abbie said, kneeling before Alex, careful to keep her hands to herself. "Do you remember what you did when you left?"

Alex nodded, her brow pinched as she bit her lower lip. "It huth, Abth," she slurred, paling as she gagged.

"Oh, shit," Abbie mumbled, standing and grabbing a bowl from the kitchen. "Here, Alex, throw up in this." As if on command, Alex did, vomitting pasta and liquid that smelled strongly of alcohol. Alex smelled just as strongly of alcohol, the scent on her clothes and in her hair. "Honey, you can't keep drowning yourself in liquor. What happened? Did someone hurt you?"

"Jus'me," Alex mumbled. "Imtho thupid."

"No," Abbie said, shaking her head. "No, baby. You're not stupid. But, you're sure no one hurt you? Your clothes are a mess."

"A-lley," she said, elongating the syllables. Covering her head with her hands, Alex cried even harder. "Im tho thupid."

Abbie's eyes widened as she caught on. "Alex, did you hook up with a stranger?" she whispered.

"No," Alex mumbled, shaking her head. "N-ah-quie-t."

"Did you have sex?"

"N-ah," Alex stumbled over her words as she adamantly shook her head. "Eeantedto, buthIdiuntwana."

"Alex, I can barely understand you. Come on, let's get you showered and cleaned up." Abbie took the bowl away from Alex, carefully setting it in the sink and running water in it. Figuring finishing cleaning up the bowl could wait until Alex was, at least, in bed, Abbie returned to the blond. Gently, she took Alex's shoes from her and hung them on the shoe rack by the door. "Come on, let's get you up. Lean on me."

Abbie helped Alex to stand, the blond's weight mostly supported by the federal attorney. Alex dragged her feet and stumbled into Abbie's bathroom where Abbie sat her on the toilet. "Okay, sweetie, clothes off," she murmured.

Alex shook her head, her arms limp at her side.

"Yes, Alex. You need to get cleaned up. You have dirt in your hair and make up all over your face," she said, her voice gentle but firm. When Alex still did not move, Abbie sighed, crouching down at Alex's height. "Then, I'm going to remove them for you." Her motions slow, Abbie unbuttoned each of the buttons on Alex's blouse. Some of them were missing. Most were just in the wrong hole. With a sigh, Abbie slid the blouse from Alex's shoulders and dropped the garment in the trash.

Alex's arms remained limp at her sides, her eye lids heavy as she swayed while sitting. Abbie's eyes grazed over the pale woman's thin body. "Oh, Alex," she murmured, her fingers hovering over hickeys that Abbie did not recognize. Sighing, Abbie shook her head as she decided she would be mad later. Slowly, Abbie pushed the straps of her bra over her shoulders before reaching around Alex to undo the clasps at the back. The cloth material slid away easily, and Alex's tears came fresh. "What's wrong?"

"Peefer?" Alex asked, blinking slowly.

Abbie shook her head. "No, baby. Peter's not here. It's just me. We're just going to get you cleaned up, okay?" Alex nodded. "Okay, now, I need you to lift your hips."

Alex complied, and Abbie unzipped her skirt, pulling it over her legs. She dropped the skirt and her undergarments in a pile on the floor.

"Good job," Abbie encouraged before she stripped down to her bra and underwear. "Now, I need you to help me stand you up, okay? You'll feel better when you're in the shower."

Unsteady but eager to please, Alex stood up, her arm around Abbie's shoulders as she shuffled the few feet to the shower. Warm pellets of water hit her face and shoulders, but she just felt too numb to genuinely appreciate it. Abbie stepped in with her, guiding her motions and actions until Alex was standing under the rain of water, her head tipped back while Abbie worked the water into it. With care, Abbie shampooed and conditioned Alex's hair, washing her body with soap and a pouf. In regards to Alex's private areas, Abbie gave the pouf over to the woman, closing her hands over it, telling her to wash herself. On unstable legs, Alex did, Abbie careful to keep her from falling.

Alex caught Abbie off guard, though, as the blond grabbed Abbie's wrists and pressed her up against the shower wall. Alex's naked body was flush against Abbie's near naked body, and Abbie found herself searching Alex's face for a sign that she could still be reasoned with. The last thing Abbie wanted was for Alex to wake up in the afternoon and regret her choices that night. Abbie just wanted to tuck Alex into bed and sleep, content with the fact that Alex was not a Jane Doe in the morgue.

However, Alex seemed to have alternate plans as her mouth covered Abbie's neck, sucking hard. Involuntarily, Abbie groaned. "Oh, God, Alex, you have to stop," she whispered, barely audible over the din of the water still cascading around them.

Cautious, Alex pulled away. "Why?" she asked, nuzzling Abbie's neck.

"Because," Abbie murmured, "you're drunk. I'm not. Don't make this your legacy, Alex. You and Peter, you never had sex. You and me, we haven't either. And, you said you didn't quite hook up with a random guy, right?"

Stepping back, Alex looked at Abbie, her hands still on Abbie's arms for support. "So?"

"So, do you really want your first time to be while you're drunk and vulnerable and in a place of self loathing? Or, do you want to wait for something special, when you're sober or at least in control of your mental faculties and you feel safe and happy and warm and -"

"Home," Alex mumbled, cutting Abbie off.

"Yea," Abbie agreed. "Home."

Face screwing up with emotional pain, Alex sobbed again, the tears blending with the shower water. "Imsucha skewup," she mumbled.

"No," Abbie said, shaking her head as she traced Alex's face with her fingers. "You are not a screw up, Alex. You are human. And, you are hurt. But, you've come so far in healing that I'm not going to let you give it all up now."

"Imw-was-wathted, Abth," she slurred. "How ith thano-t skewup?"

Abbie smiled. "You came here. You came home. You came to me, to someone you trusted to protect you in a place where you felt safe. You're letting me take care of you without resistance. You realize you've always fought me before when you've hurt yourself? This is new. This is progress. This is good, Alex. You're healing, and it's slow and painful, but you're doing it."

Sniffing, Alex leaned into Abbie, allowing the dark haired woman to wrap her arms around her, holding them both close together. "I'm tah-ree," she whispered.

"I'm sorry, too," Abbie mumbled. "Do you think you can crawl into bed?" Alex nodded, and Abbie helped her to dry herself and dress, tucking her in the bed. She made sure that Alex was on her side, and the blond fell asleep fairly quickly as the alcohol continued its effect on her. When she was sure Alex was asleep, Abbie back tracked their early morning hours and cleaned up the small messes that had been made.

When she was satisfied that the apartment was tidy enough, Abbie crawled into bed behind Alexandra, her hands and arms gently encircling the sleeping woman. "I wish you could see your value, Alex," Abbie whispered, pressing a gentle kiss behind Abbie's ear. "I wish you could see what you mean to me."

Groaning, Alex rolled over, burying her face against Abbie's chest. "Abth," she mumbled. "Iufoo."

Furrowing her brow, Abbie sighed, unable to distinguish sounds and syllables as Alex's words slurred into one single sound. "Sleep well, Alex," she whispered. "I'll be here when you wake up. I promise."

It was early afternoon when Alex finally woke up, groaning as she blinked. "Ow," she whispered.

"Good morning, sunshine," Abbie whispered, leaning over to the bedside table and picking up a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin she had already set out earlier when she had woken up. "Take these."

Nodding gratefully, Alex swallowed the pills offered to her and downed the water. "Thank you," she murmured, most of her slur gone. "I'm sorry for this morning."

"Hush," Abbie chided. "We'll talk about what happened later." She gave Alex a strict glare. "And, we will be talking about it. But, right now, you're probably not feeling so great."

Alex shook her head, sitting up, her hands on her head. "It's just a headache," she mumbled, her voice still soft. "And, it's my fault. We should talk now. You – you deserve to know." She bit her lower lip. "Um, I didn't, I didn't have sex, but – I messed up. I broke your trust."

"What happened?" Abbie asked, refraining from becoming angry and assuming anything. Old habits told her that she wanted to chew Alex out, but knowing where Alex was mentally stopped her from her accusatory nature. "Start at the beginning."

"I, um, I got a call from David Saunders yesterday. He, um, he wanted my side of events for the trial. I told him to go to Hell, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I didn't want to tell you. I guess I just didn't want - I didn't want to disappoint you, and I did it anyway. God, I'm so fucking messed up." Alex chewed at her lip, but when Abbie did not say anything, Alex continued. "I went to a bar. I don't know which one. It was just on the way, but I don't really know where from. I just rode around the subway for a while. And, I, um, I got a little tipsy. I think the bartender was hoping to get lucky when he invited me out for dinner, but I accepted anyway. I just wanted company, but I didn't want to be with people I would care about disappointing."

Alex pushed the comforter away from her, sliding out of the bed as she wrapped her arms around herself. She did not want to leave in her pajamas, but she did not want to take the time to change when Abbie got mad and told her to leave. "Anyway, um, we went to a nightclub. He just kept bringing me drinks. And, there was this other guy, I think his name was Sam, but I don't remember. I – Sam kissed me. I was stupid and drunk. I kissed him back. He led me into the alley, and he pushed me into the wall, kissing me. I didn't ask him to stop when he started sucking on my skin. He, um, he untucked my blouse, and I screamed. And, um, Marc came running out. He hit Sam, and Sam punched him back. I got shoved into the wall, and I fell. I just stood up and grabbed my shoes and started running. I fell a few times, but – it's all my fault."

Abbie sighed, her lips pressed tightly together. "It's – it's partially your fault," Abbie said. "You did make the choice to go out and drink, especially in such a vulnerable state when you know you lose control. But, it sounds like this Marc and this Sam were predatorial, looking to get lucky. Alex, you exhude a certain air of vulnerability when you're drunk. Sam probably thought you were an easy score, and it's not okay for him to take advantage of you or any woman like that. It's not healthy, and I don't think it's a good choice for you to make, but you have the right to make the choice to get drunk and not have lecherous people take advantage of you while you're inebriated."

"So, you're only kind of mad?" Alex asked, huddling her body and stepping backwards.

Quickly, Abbie leaned across the bed and reached out for Alex, pulling her back onto the bed. "I'm mostly glad that you're safe, but I am mad, Alex," she said. "That doesn't mean I want you to run off. I'm mad that you didn't tell me about Saunders upsetting you. You have every right to be upset, and I would not have thought less of you. I'm mad that you broke your promise to me to not drink anymore. You have a horrble habit of being so ill that you're hospitalized, and it scares me to think that I might lose you. You're a good friend, Alex, regardless of what happens with this whole intimate relationship business. I don't want to lose you in any capacity. If you don't take care of yourself, Alex, that's what's going to happen. And, I'm mad, mostly because it seems like you're hellbent on hurting yourself, even when you don't even notice it."

Alex's brow furrowed. "I don't want to keep hurting," she mumbled. "I just want the pain to stop and to forget all the bad."

"Have you been back to that therapist?" Abbie asked.

Alex shook her head. "I was too embarrassed."

Sighing, Abbie leaned back, pulling Alex to lay down beside her, cuddling up against her. "What can I do to help you, then, Alex?" she asked. "You don't need to keep running."

"I don't know," Alex murmured. "It's -" Alex chewed at her lip. "Will you still kiss me?"

"Of course," Abbie replied. "I understand where you were coming from last night, Alex. Remember, I've been in a similar position. And, I turned to a similar outlet. I'm worried that it's only natural, and that's what scares me about you not taking care of yourself."

Biting her lip, Alex shook her head. "I don't get it."

"What?"

"Why you're so good to me," Alex mumbled. "You owe me nothing, but you've given me a place to stay and companionship, and whenever I fuck myself up, you just help me fix it."

Abbie chuckled. "Well, first off, you're my friend. I'm pretty sure you would do the same thing for me. That's just a friend thing." She smiled softly. "And, second, you're my girlfriend, Alex. That means that you don't get to go through any of this alone. I don't have any right to judge you as long as you're still trying. I'm just trying as well, honey, and I mess up, too. I've messed up in the past, and I've definitely messed up when it comes to my sexual choices."

Chewing hard at her lip, Alex sighed. "I keep forgetting you're not just supportive, that you've been in a similar position before. It's so strange being on this side of a case."

Abbie laughed. "You mean sleeping with the prosecutor?" she teased.

Alex smacked Abbie, but it was light and playful. Taking it as a positive sign, Abbie pulled Alex on top of her, the blond sliding her body over and around Abbie's. Alex propped herself over the brunette, smiling as she looked down into Abbie's rich, chocolately eyes. Abbie reached up, her fingers twisting through Alex's hair as she leaned up, her lips brushing Alex's mouth and cheek before she licked Alex's ear lobe with her tongue, gently drawing the flesh into her mouth.

Groaning, Alex bit her own lip, waiting just a moment before twisting her head so that Abbie could not reach her ear lobe. "Why does that feel so damn good?" she mumbled.

Abbie laughed. "I have no idea," she answered, pressing a kiss into Alex's neck. "As long as you're okay with me doing it, though, and it feels good, I'm happy to do what makes you feel good, baby," she murmured, raking her nails over Alex's back.

Alex sat up, her body resting on Abbie's hips. "Can I, um," she stammered, chewing at her lower lip. "I know you're not going to hurt me. And, I know it's okay to, to, um, well, you make me feel – I had an orgasm the other night, and that was just from you sucking my ear. And, um, I didn't panic. I wasn't afraid, and I know that if I need to stop, you'll stop."

"Always, Alex," Abbie murmured. "You just have to tell me that you don't like something, and I promise you that I will stop doing it immediately." She tucked Alex's hair behind her ear.

Nodding, Alex leaned down and kissed Abbie with a passion and a need that Abbie was not accustomed to from Alex who had normally been timid. Even still, she was timid as her fingers played with the hem of Abbie's pajama shirt.

The kiss left Abbie breathless, but she draped her fingers over Alex's neck, keeping her close. "It's okay, Alex. If you're ready, I am, too," she whispered, a lust slipping into her voice that she had not allowed into her tone before. She watched as Alex's pupils dilated, her tongue flecking out of her mouth and licking her upper lip.

Carefully, Alex pushed Abbie's shirt up, bunching it in her fingers as she tugged Abbie into a sitting position, sliding back over the federal prosecutor's thighs. "I'm willing to try," she admitted, "if you're okay that I might have to stop."

Abbie closed her hands over Alex's, holding them to her chest. "Honey, if you don't want to do this, if you change your mind, or if you don't like something, we won't do it. You don't have to be sexual with me. You're not going to lose me. I understand that you're waiting for the right person, and I want to respect that."

Alex shook her head. "I want to do this with you. I know I'm safe with you and that you'll respect my boundaries. And, I think, that's all I was really waiting for." She pushed Abbie's shirt over her head and dropped the cloth on the floor beside the bed. Gently, Alex rested her hands on Abbie's hips, her eyes dancing over Abbie's naked torso. She had never really seen Abbie without her shirt and bra despite her affinity for unbuttoning Abbie's shirt and cuddling up against her warm stomach.

"Are you alright?" Abbie whispered when Alex did not move for several seconds.

"Yea," Alex said, her lips parted slightly. Her eyes danced up to meet Abbie's. "I have no idea what I'm doing."

"Do you want me to show you?" Abbie asked.

Alex nodded, and Abbie made to push Alex's shirt up. Alex stopped her, holding her wrists. "Not on me, not yet. On you. I want – I want to see how you react before I – before -"

"Shh," Abbie murmured, releasing Alex's shirt. "I understand. Give me your hands." Alex complied, and Abbie pressed both of Alex's hands over her own breasts, Alex's long fingers covering her small breasts. She manipulated Alex's fingers over the tan skin of her chest and to her nipples. "Have you ever played with yourself?" Alex nodded. "Think about what feels good to you."

Nodding in understanding, Alex rolled Abbie's nipples in her fingers, pinching slightly. When Abbie rewarded her with a satisfied gasp, Alex smiled. Carefully, Alex licked her fingers, and, as the saliva cooled, continued to play with Abbie's breasts.

"God, that feels nice, Alex," Abbie whispered, sliding her hands up over Alex's arms to her neck, plaing with the short strands of hair at the nape of her neck. Abbie pressed her mouth against Alex's kissing her softly.

With other plans in mind, Alex broke the kiss and pushed Abbie back down on the bed, adjusting herself so that she could pepper kisses along Abbie's neck, down to where her hands still covered Abbie's nipples. The brunette gasped as Alex's mouth closed over her left nipple, her back arching as she moaned without thinking. That act, however, seemed to encourage Alex to explore Abbie's bdy on her own as she began alternating between kissing, sucking, and nipping at Abbie's nipples and the skin of her breasts and stomach, Abbie's hand loosely wrapped in Alex's hair as she moaned.

"You're so wiggly," Alex murmured with a soft smile as she leaned up, kissing Abbie's nose.

"It's like an electrocution, Alex," Abbie answered. "I can't help it. I have to wiggle and squirm. I've never had anyone pay that much attention to my body before."

Alex chuckled softly. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing. I just – I want to kiss you and taste you everywhere. I don't know. I can't explain it."

Drawing Alex closer to her, Abbie kissed her firmly but with passion and desire as she slipped her hand over Alex's bottom and between her thighs, using the leverage to pull her closer. Obediently, Alex climbed up Abbie's body, her weight resting on the woman beneath her. "What you're doing, Alex," Abbie whispered in Alex's ear, "is perfect." She nibbled at Alex's ear lobe knowing full well what the impact would be.

Alex purred. "Mm, God, yes, Abbie," Alex hissed, Abbie's nails drawing lightly over Alex's back and sides. Alex shuddered, gasping softly.

"Sit up," Abbie whispered as Alex seemed to freeze. Alex sat up and leaned back, allowing Abbie to sit up as well. Alex looked confused as Abbie moved so that she was sitting on her knees before the blond. "Mimic me."

Carefully, Alex sat on her knees, her hands in her lap, poised just like Abbie. Gently, Abbie reached out, her fingers tracing Alex's cheek. With her opposite hand, Alex did the same to Abbie's cheek. "Like this?" she whispered.

"Yea," Abbie said, "that's perfect." Abbie's hand trailed down to Alex's neck, over her shoulder and down her arm, resting softly against Alex's hip. Alex did the same thing. Using her nails, Abbie raked her fingers gently up Alex's side causing the blond to moan softly. Alex did the same to Abbie, and her enjoyment of touch was clear, mostly in her eyes.

Quietly, they played the touch game, Abbie touching Alex's thighs, hip, stomach, and breasts gently, Alex doing the same to Abbie. Slowly, Alex's courage increased, and she began exploring Abbie's body with her hands by herself. Daring, Alex dipped her fingers between Abbie's legs, still covered by the pajama pants, finding them to be warm and even damp through the pants.

"Oh, God," Alex breathed. "Is that supposed to turn me on?"

Abbie laughed softly. "Oh, God, Alex, you really are new at this, aren't you?" she murmured. "Whatever turns you on turns you on, baby, and it's okay." Abbie took Alex's hands, lacing their fingers together. "Besides, it's always nice when your partner is turned on simply by you being turned on. Can I take over from here?"

"Please," Alex whimpered. "I'm totally clueless. It's nothing like touching myself."

Abbie laughed. "Trust me, how you masturbate will change the more you explore your sexuality." Abbie gently pushed Alex to her back, still kneeling on the bed beside her. She tucked Alex's hair behind her ears, tracing her jaw, her lips, and letting her fingers dance down her neck.

"Can I touch?" she asked, her hands just shy of Alex's breasts. After a moment's hesitation, the blond nodded, and Abbie's featherlight touch cascaded over her chest.

Alex gasped, her body tightening of its own accord. Other than her own personal explorations and necessary but non-sexual medical exams, the only person to really touch her in that area had been Peter, and for a second, she would have sworn she thought he was going to grab her. But, Abbie's touch was gentle, the brunette watching her closely. Carefully, Abbie squeezed one of Alex's nipples, and the younger woman gasped. Her almost moan turned into a whimper as she closed her eyes, and Abbie withdrew.

"Alex, baby, open your eyes," Abbie whispered.

Slowly, Alex blinked her eyes open. "Why did you stop?" she asked.

"You were whimpering. Are you okay?"

Alex shrugged, looking away.

"Did you go somewhere else?" Abbie asked. "It's okay if you did. We can stop."

Swallowing, Alex shrugged. "I don't know. For a second, it felt like his hands, and then I heard your voice, and I remembered." Alex rapidly blinked back tears. "This isn't fair, Abbie."

"It's okay," Abbie said, picking up the comforter that had been pushed to the end of the bed and drawing it up over both of them as she wrapped her body around Alex's. The blond held onto Abbie's arm as though it were a lifeline. "It's okay to take it slow, Lex."

"But, I want to, Abs. I mean, I've wanted -" Alex trailed off, flushing. "I've wanted to for a couple of weeks, and I feel like every time I make some progress to getting closer, to being – to having – to being intimate with you, I feel like I take several steps back."

Abbie smiled, playing with Alex's hair. "That's okay," she said. "It's okay to be afraid. You've been hurt in a very intimate way, Alex. I'm in no rush to be intimate with you. I would rather take it slowly. When or if we do make that leap, I want to make sure we're both ready, and if it's small steps, that's okay. You can touch me, and if you're comfortable with it, I can touch you. Small steps to knowing we're both safe, and that's perfectly okay."

Rolling to her side to face Abbie, Alex rested a hand on Abbie's cheek. "Thank you," she whispered, kissing her deeply and openly without hesitation. "Maybe one day I'll be normal."

"God, I hope not," Abbie whispered. "Your weirdness is part of why I was attracted to you in the first place."

Alex laughed, closing her eyes and coiling tighter into Abbie. "My headache's gone."


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

"He's a fuckin' prick," Elliot snarled, smacking the wall with his open hand. The sound almost seemed to echo through the squad room, though, in reality, it did not.

Alex visibly jumped, cringing as her jaw tightened. Her chest tightened, and she seemed to recoil within herself. Involuntarily, she curled her hand against her chest before dropping it, apparently aware of her own reaction. Her eyes darted to the others in the area as if to make sure they had not noticed. Olivia was staring at her feet, lips pressed tightly together, and Alex knew that she had seen. Fin refused to meet her eyes. George, however, stared straight at her. They had all seen.

"Elliot," FBI psychiatrist George Huang cautioned as he narrowed his eyes, watching Alex's wide eyes return to a more normal state.

Still, despite her pronounced reaction, Alex did not miss a beat. "Well, whatever he is, he's entitled to his opinion. It's wrong, but he's entitled to it." She pushed her walls back in place, clenching her jaw in determination as she pretended that everything was okay.

That seemed to break the tension with everyone else as well. The female detective looked up, her eyes grazing over Alex for a split second before she shook her head, snorting. Olivia snickered. "What do you think, Doc? Did he do it?"

"It's a good possiblity. He definitely has a pronounced Oedipal complex. Given his control issues, it's entirely possible that he's escalated from consensual fantasizing about his mother to rape of older women. The death of his mother corresponds with the time that the NYPD began getting the reports, so I would not be surprised if that was his trigger." Huang still watched Alex, and the blonde found herself very uncomfortable with the idea of being his next subject. More than once, he had offered his counseling services to her, and she had repeatedly declined, prefering to keep their relationship strictly professional. While she was seeing Linda every other week for counseling, it was more to placate Abbie than it was anything else, and Alex was having a difficult time opening up to the woman. She knew she needed to focus on opening up and dealing with her problems, but it was difficult to do when she was still horrified about the more intimate aspects of what had transpired.

Alex bit her lip, her brow furrowed as she thought. Mostly, it was an effort to distract herself from her own darkness. Focusing on the cases as they cropped up had been her saving grace. If she did not have her work to dive in to, she would have likely lost it by then, no matter how loving and helpful Abbie had been. Nora had offered multiple times to give Alex a few weeks vacation time, but Alex had refused. When Nora had enlisted Liz the day prior, Liz had gracefully stepped out of the middle stating that she would neither force nor prevent the ADA from working. "Would you be willing to interview him with one of the detectives?" she asked.

"Sure," Huang answered, nodding through the one way in the direction of the suspect. Alex took that to mean he was no longer studing her. At least, he was not studying her nearly as intensely. "I'd like John to interview him with me. I don't think he had a very protective paternal figure in his life. From what I've heard, it sounds like his father may have encouraged the incestuous relationship, and I want to see how he reacts to having an older male justify the rapes."

"Thanks," Alex murmured. "I have some paperwork to finish up. Can you swing by when you're finished?" She still felt uncomfortable, watched as she was by the others in the room. They had been blessings in their own right, protective of her, able to give her space on her bad days but able to distract and push her when she needed it. Still, she had to escape at times from their watchful gaze when she felt as though they were seeing too much.

"Absolutely. I will be there by six," he said. George offered a gentle smile, and Alex knew it was time to go. They were all watching intently, and that unnerved her. It made her nauseous, and there was no more telling a sign than the fact that the psychiatrist was treating her like she was one of his patients – trying to get her to reveal things without directly asking.

Nodding, the blond pressed her lips together tightly. She needed out. It felt as though bugs were crawling along her arms and legs, and it was everything in her power to not turn and run or break down in tears right there. "If he lawyers up, call me first," she sighed. Alex slipped out, her demeanor much more quiet than normal.

As she was waiting for the elevator, Elliot's voice traveled softly her direction. "Did I scare her?"

"El, you terrify her," was the soft response.

Once the doors closed behind her, Alex covered her face with her hands, exhaling slowly, her breath shaking, her body tense. Swallowing hard, she ground her teeth together as she squeaked, leaning back in the elevator. A soft sob escaped her as she sank into the wall of the elevator, wishing she could just disappear inside of it. Biting her cheek, Alex forced herself not to cry for fear that the redness in her eyes would give her away. Swallowing the tears made her tense, though, and she felt like solid stone as she rode the elevator.

The ride to the first floor was all too short, and she straightened up, walking out of the building with her head held high despite feeling about two inches tall. She hated that she still jumped. Almost four months later, and she was still as jittery as a lamb over the whole thing. More than anything, she was angry at herself. She felt like what happened should not have been such a big deal, but it was. She was still sometimes consumed by it. It still woke her up at night. She had nightmares, and while they were not as prominant, they were still enough to wake her screaming and drenched in sweat and tears. Sometimes, she woke up and her knuckles were white around Abbie's shirt, the brunette already sitting up and holding her, rocking her even before she jolted out of her sleep. And, then, some nights, it was like it never happened. She slept peacefully. She just wanted that, every night. She wanted Abbie wrapped around her like a blanket, sweet dreams every night.

In truth, the more of a normal relationship she thought she had with Abbie, the more of a screwed up relationship she realized she had with Peter. Even though he had been a gentleman like her father had taught her, he had picked at her. He had held the door open, given her his jacket, laughed with her, and protected her. But, he had been jealous of her friends. If she had gone out with coworkers or stayed late in the office, he had texted her constantly. She had thought it was sweet. As she had gone out several times without Abbie, stayed late at work, or just gone off in her own world and had not received any text messages or phone calls from Abbie checking in on her or making sure she was okay until it was very late at night, she was coming to realize that it was less endearing that Peter had constantly wanted contact. He had wanted to control her, and she had not even noticed despite her background in prosecution and her ability to recognize unhealthy relationships in others.

He had gaslighted her, made her think she was forgetful, made her question herself time and time again. Abbie did not. When Alex tentatively mentioned something that had happened that they had both experienced, Abbie had laughed with her or lamented over the memories. Even though Abbie had pointed it out, Alex was still having some troubles with trusting herself. She had never questioned her abilities as a prosecutor, but as a girlfriend, she had questioned everything. In some ways, she felt like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop with Abbie, but, in four months, anyway, it had not happened.

Alex bit her lip as she tumbled back into her office, closing the door behind her. There, she poured herself into her work, agonizing and obsessing over every scrap of evidence in every case she could until a hard knock at her door drew her out of her trance-like stupor. The way the person knocked, she knew it was not the first time, and she wondered how long someone had been waiting outside of her door. "Come in," she yarbled, chewing at her lip.

The psychiatrist poked his head around the door. "Is now a good time?" he asked.

Alex looked up at the clock on her wall. It was ten minutes after six. Given George's punctuality, that told her he had been waiting for around ten minutes. She had been too fully engrossed in her work to have noticed, and she knew that was a bad sign. Sighing, she closed her eyes. "Yes, come in. Sit. I just have to make a call."

"Sure," George said as he sat on the couch across from Alex's desk. She was so grateful to have that couch. Truth was, she spent more time lying on the couch than she did sitting at her desk. Sometimes, when she had a rough night at home with nightmares, she napped on that couch between cases. If it were not for the fact that Alex would rather have Abbie around her than a blanket, she would proaly spend the night on the couch as well. Something about the office meant that she did not have nightmares. Maybe it was beause Peter had never managed to violate her there. That was her own place. And, while he had never been to Abbie's apartment, Alex could not help but feel as though beds would forever be tainted.

Alex picked up the phone, dialing one of the few numbers she had memorized. "Hey, it's me. I'm working on a case. Call me when you get the chance," she babbled into the voice recorder. She hung up, sliding her phone away almost sheepishly. Abbie never asked her to call her or check in with her. According to Abbie, they were both grown adults. But, Alex liked to check in. Ever since her last stint in the ICU, she liked to make sure she kept in contact. But, that was the difference between Abbie and Peter – Abbie never demanded anything of her; Peter had never not demanded.

"Abbie?" Huang asked, tilting his head just so.

"Yes," Alex murmured wondering if everyone knew. Did they broadcast it? Or, was she just being paranoid? Really, she did not mind that her coworkers knew. She would not have minded telling people at the DA's office if they asked except for the fact that the federal prosecutor she was dating also happened to be the prosecutor in her rape and attempted murder.

"Olivia told me. Not intentionally," he explained. Alex pressed her lips together and stared hard at her computer screen. She had hoped that the detectives would not out her, even if it were not intentional. "I'm not judging, Alex. You deserve to be happy and protected, and the detectives seem to trust Abbie explicitly with your well being."

"That's because she used to be their ADA," Alex mumbled with a sigh as she leaned back.

"It's also because you're a part of their unit now, Alex," George continued. "You're part of the family. They will protect you."

Biting her lower lip, Alex shrugged. She really did not want to talk about her relationship with Abbie at that moment because that also meant that she had to acknowledge the reality of everything else outside of her pending cases. "Did you get anything conclusive from Norman?" she asked, switching topics to their Oedipal rapist.

Huang nodded his head. "He's definitely your guy, but he never out and out said he did it. There's a lot of heavy implication. He even seemed proud of his actions, and he definitely sought approval from John. Did you get DNA in any of the cases?"

With a heavy sigh, Alex shook her head. "No. He just happened to be the only common person near any of the scenes before the attacks. He wasn't even in every woman's house, just the first two. I don't think that'll be enough to convict him in trial. Hell, I don't think that even meets preponderence. I can meet the requirements of a prelim on your testimony, but I can't win a trial. What did they do with him?"

"Olivia's playing the patronizing little sister while Elliot's being the proud big brother. When I left, they were pushing him." George looked dissatisfied with that fact. It was not unusual that he did not seem to like that certain people were prosecuted, and Alex could not help but wonder if he had any hesitations on that case. He had almost sandbagged her in trial on two occasions already, and she was still new to the unit.

Alex nodded. "Do you think he needs to be prosecuted?"

"As opposed to hospitalized?" He seemed to know where she was going with her line of questioning. It made her wonder if she were really that predictable.

Alex nodded.

"Yes. He knew what he was doing was wrong. Men who have Oedipal feelings don't rape because of those feelings. This one just happened to be both Oedipal and a rapist. But, he still knows what he did was wrong and harmful. He just doesn't care."

Chewing at her cheek, Alex nodded. "The most dangerous kind of rapist," she murmured, eyes glazed over as she stared off into the distance. It was involuntary, and she barely realized she was doing it.

"You're talking about your case?" George asked after several seconds passed. But, to Alex, it seemed like only a heartbeat.

"It's frightening how you do that," Alex mused. She nodded all the same. Before she could stop herself, she continued speaking, and it was impossible to stop. "I know he knows it's wrong. I know he knows that the only thing going to trial is doing is hurting and humiliating me more. There's more than enough evidence to convict him, yet he's still acting like it was all consensual, kinky sex."

The psychiatrist nodded. "Have you tried not being humiliated by it?" he asked, his voice plain and neutral, garnishing Alex's attention.

Brow furrowed, Alex shook her head. "I'm not sure I know what you mean."

"Do you believe that what happened was his choice?"

"Of course," Alex answered. "He could have stopped any of the numerous times I asked, but he didn't. That's his choice."

"Right, so what do you have to be humiliated about? It was his choice. He should be the one ashamed."

Alex smiled, tiny and distant, but it was there. It made so much sense. She had considered it multiple times, but for whatever reason, that had never alleviated her the urge to get in the shower and stand there until her skin melted off. "He should," she agreed, "so why am I the one being asked if I was being provocative? Even my own father asked Abbie what I had done to instigate the attack. Why do people want to know if I invited him up to my apartment of my own free will? Of course I did. He was my boyfriend. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't have been dating him."

"Then, put it back on him. You behaved in the way any woman in a serious relationship might have behaved. And, whether or not you two had been previously sexually active does not give him the right to take that from you whenever he pleases. The only person who can give you away sexually, Alex, is you. Anything he took means he should be humiliated. He's a theif, and that is not a prized title in this culture."

"Instead of victim shaming, rapist shame," Alex mumbled. She nodded to show understanding, but she drifted away in her mind, wanting the conversation to be over. She wanted everything about it to be over, but that was not the case. Every step forward came with two steps back, and that day was just a hard day overall. Sometimes, she wondered why she was still in Sex Crimes. As a healing victim herself, she often wondered if she were doing herself a disservice. Then, she would see a picture handed to her by one of the detectives of a torn up little kid or an elderly man deaten beyond recognition or notes from a rape kit from a man raped because he was gay, and she would think that she did not care about the disservice to herself. The only real disservice would be not giving the people who were victims in the cases a voice in the legal field and an opportunity to feel safe again.

"Yea," Huang answered. "You'll get there in time, Alex. It'll take a lot of work and support, but it seems like you really have that. And, if you ever need to talk, you know where I am."

"Thank you, George," Alex mumbled. "I really should get home. Abbie hasn't called me back, yet." She forced a smile grateful for her impulse to check in with her girlfriend. It gave her the excuse to duck away from conversations about reality – conversations that she really did not want to have in that moment.

"Alright, Alex. Give me a call with any updates. If you can hold Norman, I would like to have another chat with him."

"Sure," Alex murmured, watching the psychiatrist leave her office. She exhaled slowly as she counted her blessings. She had a very supportive squad. They had bent over backwards to help her including the secret escorts home and the driving by at two in the morning before Peter was revoked from bail and placed back in jail until trial. Moreover, she had a supportive girlfriend who seemed to flow easily through Alex's fits and tantrums while still managing to be sweet and compassionate. For her second intense relationship, Alex felt very lucky that Abbie was the way she was considering how things had gone with Peter. It felt good being with Abbie, less like she was fulfilling a duty. She could not help but wonder if that was what two puzzle pieces felt like when they connected – that it was not a duty, that it was just, somehow, strangely, questionably right.

"You know, you're beautiful when you're deep in thought. Tragic, but beautiful," Abbie murmured as Alex trekked into the living room of their shared apartment. She had not even realized she had begun walking home, let alone that she had somehow managed to access Abbie's apartment complex, swipe her card in the elevator giving her access to their floor, and then unlock the door, a feat that took at least three keys. Four, if she counted the key to lock up her filing cabinet.

Snapping out of it, Alex smiled a tiny, slow smile before she sat in Abbie's lap, her arms wrapped around Abbie's neck. "I missed you," she whispered, pressing a deep, needy kiss into Abbie's mouth.

Abbie complied with the kiss, nibbling at the edges of Alex's lips until the blonde moaned. "I missed you, too," Abbie whispered, her hand sliding over Alex's hip, pulling her closer. "I would not be so far off in guessing that you've had a long, exhausting day?" And, there she went again, reading Alex like a book.

Nuzzling Abbie's neck, Alex sighed. "Can we go do something?" she asked, tension causing her voice to remain tight. She wanted nothing more than to relax into Abbie's warm embrace, talk about the finer points of each of their days, and then chatter about art or history or sports while they made dinner, but she did not see that happening. It was a chore enough to relax to breathe normally. B

"Like what, honey?" Abbie asked as she stroked Alex's hair back, tickling her neck gently with the tips of Alex's slowly growing hair. After the severe hair cut, Alex had begun to let it grow back out. The shorter style was more severe on her. It made her look older than she was. But, it was not who she was. She had missed the length and felt like it was just one more thing that had been taken from her since she had chopped it off in an effort to alter the damage he had done Abbie had made it clear that she liked Alex's hair long and had been encouraging the blond to allow her locks to grow. It also seemed to be a favourite past time of the brunette to play with Alex's hair. "I thought you didn't want to go out in the city?"

Alex shook her head. "I don't," she mumbled, "not before the trial. But, I can't sit with my thoughts." Her brow furrowed as she sighed and sat back, still in close contact with her girlfriend but significantly more thoughtful and a little torn. She did want to go out with Abbie. She wanted to go on a date. She wanted to take Abbie to some of her favourite places. She wanted to be able to kiss her on the train when the ride home became long and crowded. Technically, she could do all of those things, but she knew the defence investigator had to be working to try to find anything to help Peter escape charges or, at least, a prison sentence. The last thing she wanted was for defence to present a photograph to the jury of her kissing Abbie. For Abbie's career, it was the last thing that a judge needed to see, too.

Abbie considered for a few silent moments before she nodded her head slowly, as if satisfied by something as opposed to anything else. It was not so much an idea or a realization as a satiation of thought. It made Alex pause with suspicion. "Then, I have an idea," she murmured softly into Alex's ear. "Change into something comfortable."

Nodding her head, Alex slid from Abbie's lap and disappeared into Abbie's bedroom with one furitive glance back at Abbie. Laughing softly, Abbie sighed and laid back on the couch. "I give up with you, Lexie," she mused, kicking her feet up over the back of the sofa as she waited, her hands behind her head. Alex just smiled softly and closed the door behind her.

Sure enough, Alex came out of the room wearing a pair of Abbie's jeans and a pullover grey hoodie with the white outline of a dove across her stomach and chest. As she approached the couch, Abbie sat stock still, amazed at how Alex transitioned from work mode to home mode and how she seemed to loosen a few clicks just by being somewhere peaceful. It was also somewhat exciting to watch Alex parade around in her clothes, and the smile on Abbie's face belied at least that much.

Alex wrapped her hands around Abbie's ankles and pushed them back onto the couch as she climbed over the arm and wiggled between Abbie's legs, snuggling up the length of her body until she could rest her head on Abbie's chest, just above her breasts where she could hear the steady thrum of her heart clearly. "You said something more comfortable," she whispered.

"I did," Abbie giggled, pushing her hands up Alex's back under the sweatshirt. She raked her nails gently over Alex's lower back a few times before she slowly made her way higher up. Alex tensed slightly, tucking her lower lip between her teeth. Abbie chuckled softly as her hands reached Alex's shoulder blades and traveled down the sides of her upper torso. Alex gasped softly. "Really? No bra? Oh, Alexandra. You are so far from the prim and proper Ice Queen you make everyone think you are, aren't you?"

"I never claimed to be a lady," Alex chided, pushing herself up and kissing Abbie's nose. As she moved, Abbie's hands fell to Alex's stomach before untangling from her hoodie and wrapping back around her hips. However, before she had managed to free herself, her fingers had brushed the rounded sides of Alex's breasts drawing a soft gasp and a look of hesitation and sexual interest from Alex that she did not want to press in that moment. For her part, Alex's body tightened in both arousal and fear, and the conflict of both emotions made her shakey, at best.

Abbie laughed, deflecting attention from Alex's bodily reactions. Her intentions had been pure, the motion accidental. "No, you did not," she agreed. She smiled gently, her fingers tracing Alex's lips. "God, you're amazing, Alexandra." Abbie grinned brightly for a moment before she shook her head as if shaking away a distraction. "Whenever you're ready, I'll take you somewhere."

Standing gracefully, Alex tucked her hands in her back pockets, grateful for the interlude. She was still barely certain about her own body, let alone the combination of her body against Abbie's. Despite their small petting, nothing had ever transpired between them that was too heavy. On one hand, Alex wanted to pursue further interests with Abbie, but on the other, she was terrified and the flashbacks she experienced were enough to deter both of their sexual interests. "I'm interested," she murmured, swaying slightly as she rocked from the balls of her feet to her heels.

"Great," Abbie murmured. "It was one of my favourite hide outs when I first moved to the city." She smiled, tucking Alex's hair behind her ear. "I needed some alone time, and it was the perfect place." Abbie took a confused Alex's hand and pulled her toward the apartment door. Alex tucked her feet in the pair of sandals at the door and followed Abbie, the dark haired, dark skinned woman clearly eager to show off her hiding place, wherever and whatever that might have entailed. Alex was both excited and nervous, and the conflict of emotions only made it that much more interesting to her naturally curious mind.

They walked across the parking garage, bypassing both Abbie's and Alex's cars on the third level to a service elevator that Alex had not really been aware was in the building. She knew it had to be there because there was no way to fit furniture in the other elevator, but she had never gone looking for it. They went another level down, and Alex found herself staring into a small corridor with pipes running over head of what she could only guess was some kind of maintainence level, a mezzanine of some kind.

"The part they never include on the tour," Abbie said with a broad, casual smile. They were both a lot more casual with each other than they had ever been at work. Alex hoped that was a good sign, that things would remain even-keel between them. She hoped that even the eventual arguments that would transpire because of their independant natures as well as the nature of a romantic relationship would not disrupt that overall sense of ease and comfort that she found in Abbie's presence. "Keep your head down." Alex did, following Abbie to the end of the corridor and behind a large, blue keg like machine to a small door behind the machine that Abbie propped open with a nearby box.

"Oh my God," Alex murmured as she stared around the semi-luminous place with its odd angles and tiny doorway. It drew its light entirely from the fact that the door was open. Once closed, it would be a place of total darkness. Alex half expected bats to fly out, but it seemed well maintained, as though it were regularly used by humans. It made Alex look at Abbie in a new light. The woman she thought of as always being so strong still clearly used a hide out to escape from the world around them. "It's like a little kid hidaway."

Abbie laughed. "You had one of these?" she asked, curious. Alex did not talk a lot about her childhood. Abbie could not blame her once she had met Alex's father. It seemed as though it were an emotionally rough time for her with ever changing rules of behaviour that had left a very closed off and distrustful Alexandra still naive to much of the world.

Nodding, Alex climbed in, curling into the corner of the small, dusty closet as Abbie sat down beside her. "I did. It was under the stairs by the laundry room. I even installed a hook latch on the inside so that I could lock myself in. That way, Claire couldn't make me help her cook. She was aweful at cooking."

Abbie smiled, tracing her fingers over Alex's cheek. Alex bit her lower lip and hung her head. Abbie cupped her hand over Alex's jaw as she adjusted Alex's head so that her head was straight. Eventually, Alex's eyes met hers, shiny and wet but mostly just seeking assurance. "You're so amazing, Alex," she whispered. "I could just drink you in."

Flushing, Alex pressed her lips together. "Much less amazing than you, Abs," she replied, stroking her fingers over the backs of Abbie's hand against her cheek. "How do you put up with me?"

Abbie smiled a knowing smile, but she did not answer for several seconds. Finally, she glanced away, withdrawing her hand. "I'm afraid you won't like the answer." For a moment, she sounded sad, distant, as if she might run off at any moment and not look back.

A rock dropped in Alex's stomach. She could not help the feeling of foreboding in the air, the one that said she was going to lose Abbie all too soon, that Abbie would tire of her and make her leave. "Please, tell me," she said, kneeling as she tried to catch Abbie's eyes with her own worried ones. "Please, Abbie. You can't say something like that and then just leave it hanging. Please -"

Abbie pressed a finger against Alex's lips. "Shh, baby," Abbie whispered. "Shh. I just – the last – the last person who – I don't want you to think I'm going to hurt you. I don't ever want you to fear that I'll hurt you, and this – I'm afraid if it doesn't hurt you, it's something so associated with hurt that it's unfair to you."

Brow furrowed, Alex sat back on her ankles. Abbie's words had done nothing to assuage her fears and concerns. If anything, they heightened them and made her feel paranoid. "You're not going to hurt me, Abbie. I trust you. I know you won't hurt me."

With a smile, Abbie nodded. "I'm glad you know that because I have no intention of harming you. Your well being and your happiness mean more to me than I can explain, Alex. I think of you a lot, what makes you smile, your smile, your laugh, the way you make my stomach flutter. Is that okay?"

"Abbie," Alex murmured, wrapping her hands around her shoulders. "I can't, Abs. Not right now. Maybe if he had never – but, I can't. Not now."

"It's okay, Lex. I just want to know if it's okay that I think about your smile often," she whispered.

Biting her lower lip, Alex nodded. "That's okay," she mumbled. "I think. Can I get back to you?"

Abbie smiled. "Of course, baby. You don't have to make any decisions tonight. Tonight, just know that anyone in the world who were to want to look for you would not find you here – anyone except, maybe, me."

"I'm okay with that," Alex whispered. "I think I want you to find me."

With a warm smile, Abbie held her arms open and Alex scooted against her, resting against Abbie's chest, her fingers curled over the dark haired woman's shirt in a familiar manner. Gently, Abbie combed her fingers through Alex's hair. "You grew up in this city?" she asked.

"Yes," Alex answered.

"Where do you like to go hide from the world?"

Pressing her lips together, Alex sighed as she looked away, staring into the not quite darkness beside her. "I used to hide in my apartment," she answered. "And, when I needed to hide from there, I'd go to work." She shook her head, sighing heavily again before cuddling tight against Abbie's chest. "My hiding places are diminishing."

"Well, now you know where this place is."

Glancing back at Abbie, Alex studied her carefully. "Yea," she murmured. "Yea, I guess I do." She cuddled herself against Abbie, rubbing circles on the brunette's stomach absently.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Short chapter, but it ended on the note I wanted it to. :)

Chapter Sixteen

Chewing at her lower lip, Alex looked herself over in the mirror. She tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear, smiling softly as a figure slid up behind her in the reflection. An arm wrapped around her waist, soft lips brushing against her neck. With a soft sigh, Alex leaned back into the woman behind her, allowing herself to just be held. She loved the feeling of feeling safe and protected, and Abbie did that for her.

"It's a movie," Abbie whispered. "A movie and some coffee. What are you so worried about?" Her voice was soft but had a twang of permanency, as though she never backed down from her position. And, generally, she did not. Abbie was a fiesty woman, a true product of Texas where not only was everything bigger but everyone was considerably more independent.

"The trial is in two weeks," Alex replied, her stomach tightening as she thought about it. "The defence investigators –"

"Are not following you. Relax. And, besides, we're not going out alone, remember? Joan is going to meet us at the theatre with her kids, and we're picking up Lucy from your uncles' place. Stevie's coming, too. It's just a girl's night out with kids, Lex. It'll be okay." Abbie's fingers gently danced their way across Alex's abdomen, stirring up what were both welcome and terrifying emotions in her.

Alex shook her head, closing her eyes and focusing on the subtle scent of Abbie's daytime perfume. It was distinct and feminine but not too outstated. Alex knew it probably went over well in court. For her part, the blonde prosecutor had never really used perfume, almost always relying on the scent of her body wash to provide that subtle difference between her and the defence counselor. As Abbie pressed her lips against Alex's warm neck, the younger woman could not help but imagine the feel of Abbie's wandering hands wandering away from her abdomen and up to her breasts. Although Abbie's hands remained near Alex's hips, the thought alone was enough to entice butterflies to form in Alex's stomach, and she squeezed her eyes tightly together.

"Alex?" Abbie's soft voice penetrated her disturbing thoughts. Alex whimpered, chewing at her lower lip. She felt Abbie step away from her, her warm hands disappearing from her hips.

Trembling, Alex cried out. "No," she mewled. She reached blindly behind her, her fingers findng Abbie's shirt and clasping desperately around the material. Fortunately, Abbie seemed to understand because she stepped forward, her arms wrapping about Alex once more, their bodies flush.

"Hush, Lex," Abbie whispered. "It's just me. It's just you and me, and I've got you."

Alex clung to Abbie's arms, her mind racing and a hundred different places as she tried to focus solely on the feeling of protection and safety and warmth. She tried to focus on Abbie's heart beat against her back, on the feel of Abbie's breath against her neck. After a few seconds, she realized that Abbie was humming, and there was the distinct sound of running water. Hands closed over her own, pulling her from her own body. Something cold ran over her fingertips. Numb, Alex held her hands straight out as Abbie released them, a cold cloth tracing its way up Alex's hands and wrists before moving up her left arm and down her right.

Still behind Alex, Abbie wiped cool water across Alex's forehead and neck, gently washing her face until Alex blinked her eyes open. "There you go," Abbie murmured. "How are you?"

"I'm so sorry," Alex whispered. She turned against the sink so that she was face to face with the woman behind her.

"Stop rushing yourself, Lex," Abbie said. She twirled strands of Alex's hair between her fingers. "This isn't a competition. No one expects you to be okay right now, and with trial this close, baby, you're entitled to feeling skittish and afraid."

Alex pressed her lips together, lowering her lids for a few seconds before she wiggled away from Abbie and wandered back into the bedroom, picking up a sweatshirt and tugging it over the shirt she was wearing. "Let's go pick up Lucy," she mumbled. "She's really looking forward to a movie night."

Abbie frowned but followed Alex down the stairs and into the garage. She handed Alex the keys to give her something distracting to do, and Alex drove to her uncle's house, silence dominating the car.

"Alex!" the ten year old girl squealed as she ran out of the front door of the high rise condominums. The judge was behind her with an infant in his arms, and Abbie smiled as she stepped out of the car.

Alex scooped the child up in her arms and swung her around. "Little Lucy," Alex said with a warm smile. She set the child back down and walked over to the passanger side of the car. "Honey, meet my friend, Abbie. Abbie, this is Lucy."

Abbie crouched slightly. "What a pleasure, Lucy," she said. "I've heard so many great things about you."

"Really?" Lucy said as she looked at Abbie with wide eyes. "Does she like me?"

Abbie laughed. Alex pretended not to hear as she scooped the infant from her uncle's arms. "Hi, Adam," she cooed, ignoring Abbie and Lucy babbling. "Hello, sweet baby."

"You're looking good, Alex," the judge said with a warm smile as he watched his niece with his foster son.

Bouncing the child on her hip, Alex smiled at the judge. "Somedays, I feel good. Thank you."

"This is the woman, then?" Bill Hermann said, indicating Abbie who was dancing with Lucy a few steps away. Alex flushed and glanced down. "Your secret's safe, kiddo. It's not my place to out you. As long as she's treating you right. Otherwise, she'll have a judge to answer to." He gave her a wide grin as she gave him a startled, fearful glance.

Smiling faintly, Alex nodded. "I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop," she mumbled. "She's so good to me, so understanding of everything. I keep waiting to hear her say she's tired of waiting for me."

A warm pair of arms encircled her waist, a face burying against her neck through her hair. "But, I'm not waiting for you, Alex," Abbie murmured. "We're moving in this together."

Alex flushed as she looked at her uncle, but his attention was focused on the ten year old. Alex knew he was still listening in, but she appreciated the distraction. Resting her hands on Abbie's arms, Alex gave a half hug to her girlfriend. "I'm sorry, baby," she whispered.

"It's okay, Alex. I knew coming into this that it would be a slow road. And, I'm okay with that."

Alex released Abbie's arms and stepped from her embrace. "We're going to be late, and Joan's kids will never forgive us."

Abbie laughed. "They will if we get ice cream instead," she chuckled as she plucked the keys from Alex's pocket.

Lucy and Alex rode in the back, chattering about school and homework and music. The last was more of a comedy than anything, though. Alex had no concept of modern music. Abbie speculated that she had no concept of classic music, either, except the literal classical genre. Abbie was more than aware that Alex was a little behind on the modern references. In fact, it was something she teased her about regularly. As Abbie pulled up to the movie theatre and Lucy saw Tuomas, Joan's eleven year old son and one of Lucy's friends, the ten year old tore out of the car, elated.

"Alex," Joan cooed, waving as she gave Lucy a hug. The prosecutor had met the accountant a week prior when she had spent the day with her uncle, getting to know Lucy and Adam and take a break from her own stressors. It had been Bill's idea to have Alex babysit for a day. The blonde had absolutely fallen in love with the two children, and Lucy seemed to enjoy the adult as well.

"Joan, we'll be right back," Alex said with a small wave. "Luce is okay with you?"

"Absolutely," Joan said. "We're going to head in and pick out snacks. Ten minutes, ladies."

Abbie parked the car and turned to look at Alex on the other side of the seat. She watched the woman for a few seconds, her lips pressed together as her eyes flicked over Alex's downturned face and nervous hands. When Alex looked up and met her eyes, her lips were parted just slightly. Smiling, Abbie reached out and pressed her thumb against that part. "You're wonderful, Alex." She cupped Alex's cheek. "I'm so glad you're mine."

With a gentile smile, Alex pressed her cheek into Abbie's hand. She covered Abbie's hand with her own and held it there, her eyes dancing over Abbie's face. "I can't right now, Abs, and I'm so sorry. But, maybe, one day, when there isn't so much pain attached to it all."

Twisting in the seat, Abbie pressed her other hand to Alex's cheek and pulled her face closer. "Tell me when you're ready to hear it," she whispered, using her thumbs to push Alex's hair from her face before she kissed her softly on the lips. She stroked her fingers over Alex's mouth.

"The day you tell me you're ready, Alex, and I'll never stop saying it. God, the day you tell me," Abbie breathed. She rested her forehead against Alex's briefly before breaking contact.

Leaning back into the seat, Alex sighed, her fingers running over her stomach. "There are days, Abbie, when I want to. You've been my best friend for years, but I thought Peter and I were going to get married. For three years, I couldn't say it. And, the night I did -" She shook her head. "I jinxed it, Abbie. I don't want to jinx this."

"I'm not going to hurt you, Alex," Abbie mumbled. "You're my best friend, honey. You were my friend long before you were my girlfriend. But, I understand your hesitancy, honey, and I'm not here to rush you. We take this at our own pace, and no pace is too slow."

Lucy cuddled against Alex throughout the movie, her head on Alex's shoulder. The prosecutor draped her arm over the girl, surprised at her sudden desire to protect the child. It had never been something that had sparked in her before despite the fact that she had wanted children some time in the undetermined future and the fact that she spent her working hours prosecuting people who harmed children. Her maternal instinct had never kicked in until recently.

From two seats down, Abbie leaned forward, passing popcorn over Tuomas and Lucy to Alex, her eyes glittering in the light from the screen. Abbie just beamed as Alex took the bucket, settling it between the two children. Pursing her lips, Alex shot Abbie a confused glance. The federal prosecutor laughed softly and leaned back in her chair, eyes refocusing on the screen in front of them.

Alex could not remember quite when, but Lucy crawled into her lap at some point, her arms draped around Alex's neck, body slack as she fell asleep, clearly not as interested in the movie as the other two children apparently were.

When the lights came back on, Abbie sat on the chair beside Alex, rubbing Lucy's back. Joan and Stevie were rounding up Tuomas and Charlie and the remaining candy. "You want one, don't you?"

"What?" Alex asked, surprised. Still, the colour rising in her cheeks gave way to the fact that she knew exactly what Abbie was talking about. Brushing Lucy's hair from her face, Alex sighed. "It's a recent urge." She bit her lip. "I mean, I know I can't have children unless I adopted, and I feel like I'm still way too young to start a family, but I can't help but get this tingling sensation -"

Abbie laughed. "That would be your biological clock kicking in," she teased. "I'm pretty sure your uncle won't complain if you want to babysit."

Chewing at her lower lip, Alex nodded. "I think I'd like that," she mumbled.

"Good, 'cause Adam is so cute. You should offer to watch them at our place."

"Our place?"

Abbie grinned. "Wake the girl up. I think everyone else wants to leave."

Biting her lip, Alex lay back on the couch, her head in Abbie's lap as she looked up at the expanse of Abbie's neck as it flowed into her jaw and chin. She reached up, trailing her fingers over that same flesh earning a laugh from the brunette. "What are you doing?" Abbie asked.

Alex just smiled.

"You don't know, do you?" Abbie laughed.

With a soft sigh, Alex rolled her eyes. Alex sat up, twisting onto her knees as she stared wordlessly at the woman beside her.

"Alex?" Abbie queried, brow raised. "I can't tell if you're being funny or if I should be worried."

Licking her lips, Alex sucked her lower lip into her mouth. Still, she said nothing. So, Abbie did the only reasonable thing she could think to do. She mirrored her girlfriend, mimicking her expression almost perfectly. The exception was the mischief dancing in Abbie's eyes.

"Tonight was fantastic," Alex murmured.

"I know it wasn't a romantic night -" Abbie started, stopping as Alex shook her head.

Pressing her finger to Abbie's lips, Alex sighed. "I don't want romantic, Abs, not right now. I got romantic with Peter. It all feels like a big lie. I don't want date nights with candles or wine or dancing or dessert bars." Alex chewed viciously at her cheek. "I want whatever is the real us. I don't want any kind of false pretense. We've known each other too long, Abbie. Does it have to be the front?"

Abbie stroked Alex's cheek. "Honey, do you think that my sentiments are false?" Alex shook her head, tears clinging to her eyes. "Are your sentiments false?" Again, Alex shook her head. Abbie stood up and pulled Alex to a stand as well. "Then, even if we drink wine or go dancing or eat chocolate cake by candle light, there's no pretense here, Alex. It's just us." Abbie slid her hands to Alex's hips as she spoke, swaying both of them to a rhythm only she seemed to hear. "Trust me?"

"Yes," Alex whispered, her body relaxing against Abbie's as the normally upright prosecutor proved that affection really could be an entirely different side of a person.

Gently, Alex kissed Abbie's mouth, her tongue tracing the pale pink lips of the woman before her. She relaxed against the older woman, her hands snaking over Abbie's jeans and pushing her shirt up. "I like the warmth of your skin," she whispered, wrapping her arms around Abbie's waist and holding her close.

"I know you do," Abbie murmured, playing Alex's blonde hair through her fingers. "Come to bed. It's late."

Alex let Abbie walk her to bed, and she collapsed down on the pillow, lolling her head to the side as she looked up at Abbie. "Put on a show?" Alex asked, her voice soft and innocent.

Surprised, Abbie stared at the woman on her bed. Alex licked her lips and pulled her own shirt off. "Please?" Alex mewled as she looked up at Abbie, lower lip tucked between her teeth.

Abbie smiled, licking her lips like a cat before she untucked her shirt completely, pulling it off as she ran her hands seductively over her body. Alex watched in rapt attention as Abbie disrobed to her bra and underwear, sliding over Alex's lap, her fingers careful as she plucked Alex's bra from her body.

As Abbie's fingers found her nipples, rolling them softly, Alex gasped. Taking advantage, Abbie pressed her mouth against Alex's open one, sucking Alex's tongue into her mouth. Alex groaned, her body arching up into Abbie's hands. In so doing, Alex had exposed her neck, and Abbie took advantage as she pressed her lips over Alex's neck and over her collar bone. Slowly, Abbie pushed Alex down on the bed, her fingers working the buttons on her pants.

Hesitating after popping the last button open, Abbie rested with her fingers hooked on Alex's waistband. "Yes," Alex said, her voice breathy. "Please, Abbie." In one fluid, gentle motion, Abbie removed Alex's pants. In the next moment, her mouth closed over Alex's nipple.

Alex cried out, back arching in pleasure. Her hand wove through Abbie's hair as she whimpered at the attention she was receiving. Abbie's mouth danced over Alex's chest and stomach leaving the blonde writhing and whimpering under her body. Abbie's hand trailed down, cupping Alex's belly, her thumb tracing the surgical scar.

"I don't know what to do with my hands," Alex whispered.

"Whatever you want, Alex," Abbie murmured, her fingers pushing under the simple elastic of Alex's underwear. The blonde hardly wore sexually stimulating clothing. It was almost as though she truly did not know how. Alex's hands traced Abbie's back slowly, clearly unsure of what she was meant to do.

Exhaling with a groan, Alex arched her back as Abbie's fingers found her throbbing clitoris. Alex's whines turned to pants. "Oh, God, Abs," Alex hissed, her nails raking over Abbie's back.

Abbie pressed her cheek against Alex's, licking her earlobe, sucking it slowly into her mouth as her fingers moved, sliding inside of her. There, Abbie stopped moving, pulling back until she could look Alex in the eye. The blonde's eyes were awash with lust and desire, but even as she seemed entirely open to the woman atop her, Abbie could see the worry, the fear.

Still, Alex pressed her hand to Abbie's cheek, pulling her face close for a kiss. Abbie's fingers moved inside of her, slowly, steadily, Abbie ever watchful for any sign that Alex might withdraw. Alex did not as she rocked her body into Abbie's hand, lids fluttering, her fingers tight on the bedsheets. She was fine until her body tightened, the dreadful and terrifying realization that she was close to orgasm building up in her stomach.

Just before Alex felt the cold knife of fear stab into her, Abbie stopped, withdrawing her fingers from within Alex and tugging the blanket up over both of them, arm draped around Alex's body as she snuggled against her. "You're beautiful, Alex," Abbie whispered, nuzzling Alex's cheek. "I won't be responsible for fear to creep into your eyes."

For several seconds, Alex lay in silence, fighting the tears in her eyes. Abbie slowly rubbed her thumb over Alex's arm as she propped herself above the younger woman. "You're safe, Alex," Abbie whispered. "You're here, with me. You're safe, baby. You're safe." Abbie sat up, her fingers grazing Alex's cheek. "Hey, honey. Talk to me."

"I'm sorry," Alex whimpered.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Lex," Abbie murmured, tucking her hair back and brushing her fingers over Alex's cheeks as she did so. "Do you regret how far we went?"

"No," Alex whispered. "I want to be with you, Abbie." She sat up, curling against the mostly naked woman, her fingers grazing Abbie's stomach. "I'm so grateful that you're so gentle with me. I just wished I didn't freak out. I'm sorry."

Silently, Abbie wrapped her arm around Alex, holding her close as she played with Alex's hair between her fingers. Finally, she kissed Alex's temple before sitting back and removing her own bra. "Do you want a shirt?" she asked, prepared to get up. Alex shook her head, though, and Abbie settled back in beside her. With a content sigh, Alex pressed her head beneath Abbie's chin, coiling up against her.

Holding Alex in silence for several minutes, Abbie warred with herself. She felt badly that Alex's first consensual sexual experience was still overshadowed by her rape, but she was glad that Alex clearly trusted her enough to experiment. Finally, Alex's body became heavily, her breathing audible as her lips parted. She still clung to Abbie, but the intensity lessened. Abbie gently drew circles on Alex's naked skin, marveling at the fact that Alex was almost naked, pressed up against the federal prosecutor's own nearly naked body. She felt like she was touching a liquid pearl. Alex's skin was so white and unmarred, as if she had so long been protected from the bad of life. It was a lie, Abbie knew. Alex was very well aware of the depravity of humankind, and Abbie knew it.

Softly, Abbie moved so as to not wake her sleeping partner. She pressed her lips to the top of Alex's head as she cuddled down, their foreheads almost touching. "I love you, Alex," she whispered.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen.

"It'll be okay, Alex," Abbie said as she reached across her desk and gave Alex's hand a soft squeeze. "We'll get through this trial, and it'll be fine. I see no reason for him to not be convicted at this juncture. The detectives went through every step perfectly. I mean, I know they care about every case, but they really don't want this one messed up. And, I certainly don't either. We're all on our best, honey, and I've seen us win some cases when we were at our worst."

Exhaling slowly, Alex nodded. "I trust you, Abbie. I know you'll put him away." Closing her eyes, Alex retrieved her hand from Abbie's and tucked it in her lap. "I'm nervous, Abs. I've never been this scared to go to trial. I haven't seen him in more than four months. I know there's going to be a lot of people between him and me, but I'm still terrified."

"It's okay if you're afraid, Alex. He nearly killed you. You have every right to be afraid, but know that I'll protect you as best as I can both in court and out of court. But, you're also very strong yourself, Alex. You've pushed yourself in your case load and dominated the court room. You're an amazing attorney and the best prosecutor the unit has had. I mean, besides me, of course." Abbie winked.

Alex laughed. At least the joke had its intended effect. "I don't think they'll get better than you," Alex murmured. Sighing heavily, Alex dropped her hands to her lap and studied them with an intense gaze that was more telling than anything Alex might have said at that point. "Liz took the motions hearings this week and gave them to someone else."

"Because of the trial?" Alex nodded. "That's probably a good thing. She's expecting your head space to be somewhere else, Alex, and I think she just wants to give you the opportunity to process your own trial. It's a good idea. You remember what Karen said in group, don't you?"

Alex nodded, sucking on her lower lip. "Can we try it tonight?" she asked, chewing at the inside of her cheek.

"I think that sounds like a great idea. Stop chewing before you make yourself bleed," Abbie said, her tone perfectly neutral the entire time as she opened her desk drawer and pulled out a stick of gum. Alex immediately released her cheek, leaning forward to take the offered gum.

Popping the gum in her mouth, Alex leaned back, chewing on the peppermint stick several times before blowing a small, sugary bubble. It popped, and Abbie chuckled.

"Have you thought about Lydia's suggestion?" Abbie asked, her voice soft.

Alex pressed her lips together as she nodded. "I scheduled an appointment for Wednesday and Friday this week and the same next week. She said I can always cancel my Friday appointments if I'm feeling alright."

With a soft smile, Abbie stood, encircling Alex with her arms. "I'm really glad you decided to go back to her and give her a shot, Alex. Therapy really can be super helpful."

"Oh? You speak from experience?" Alex asked, brow raised. Other than Abbie encouraging her to speak with a counselor, they had never really discussed whether or not Abbie had ever sought individual counseling for any long term concerns. While they had both been attending group counseling for a while every other week or so as a promise to each other, the topic for individual counseling rarely came up.

Abbie bit her lip. "I tried it," she admitted. "While I was in college, when I realized what a wreck I was, I worried that I wouldn't be admitted to the bar. So, I went to a counselor at the school for a couple of semesters. I stopped because I didn't feel like it helped. It wasn't until years later that I realized how much good it actually did me. I mean, it didn't cure me, but it helped me get to a place where I could see the damage I was causing myself and, really, why I was so driven to cause that damage." Abbie nodded, rolling her lips together. "It was hard, but worth it."

Nodding, Alex considered her thoughts for several seconds before speaking. "Would you go back?" she asked softly.

"At this point, no," Abbie said, shaking her head. "I don't know what I'd go for. I know I'm not perfect. I'm still damaged, some days more than others, but even on the bad days, I feel like I have some coping skills that really work for me. They get me through, and I always know tomorrow will be a new day." Abbie smiled, blushing softly. "And, I know I'll get to wake up next to you. To me, that makes every daily struggle worth it."

Alex flushed, drooping her head so that her hair fell in front of her face. "You're such a terrible liar, Abs," she mumbled.

"I'm a great liar, Alex," Abbie countered. "I'm a lawyer. But, lucky you, I'm not lying." For a few heartbeats, Abbie waited, watching Alex. It had been several weeks since Abbie had told the sleeping Alexandra that she loved her, and while Abbie murmured those words often, they fell solely on sleeping ears. It hurt Abbie deeply to know the kind of damage those three words carried in Alex's experience. While she understood why the idea of romantic love had been warped for Alex, she would be a liar to say that it was not a struggle every day to not tell Alex how much she truly did love her. But, then, Abbie had felt affection and love for Alex a lot longer than Alex had felt attraction to Abbie. Or, maybe, the attraction was always there. Either way, Alex's admittance was far more recent than Abbie's.

"I wish you could see you how I see you, Alex," Abbie murmured, pressing a kiss onto the top of Alex's head. "Then, you would never doubt how wonderful you are." Abbie stepped away, leaning on her desk, her nails scratching at the surface as if picking at some invisible spill. "Wanna go get coffee?"

Alex nodded. "That sounds wonderful," she murmured, standing as she picked up her briefcase. With the trial the next day, it had only been that morning that Liz had called her into the office to tell her that for the duration of the trial, other attorneys would be handling her case load. The detectives had apparently been in on it since Olivia and Elliot were in Liz's office when the senior ADA broke the news.

Alex had felt stripped of everything that was helping her stay glued together, but she responded in typical Cabot fashion when in public. She had thrown her temper tantrum later, though, when Olivia and Elliot had offered her a ride to Abbie's office for the prep work. Alex had refused to speak with either detective and walked the several blocks to the federal prosecutor's office, fighting tears the entire time.

Sitting in the little cafe across from Abbie with a turkey and avocado croissant sandwich in front of her that she really did not want to eat but Abbie had insisted on her getting, Alex picked at the handle to the coffee mug.

"What's going on in your head?" Abbie asked, dumping a few sweet potato fries onto Alex's plate from the basket shared between them.

Sighing, Alex shook her head. "Not much and too much all at once," she admitted. "Do you think you could take a vacation after the trial?"

"Did you want to go somewhere?" Abbie asked.

"I was thinking we go to the British Virgin Islands. The water's crystal clear, and we won't have to worry about anything going on here," Alex said with a soft smile.

Abbie nodded. "I'm sure I could swing a week or two easy."

For the first time since she had walked into Abbie's office that morning, Alex beamed, her smile even lighting up her eyes. She needed a get away badly. Starting as a sex crimes prosecutor the morning after her own rape had been difficult. The fact that for the first week, everyone assumed that she had slept her way into the position and they treated her that way had not helped her self-esteem or her newly warped sense of sex. While everything had sorted itself out and the treatment she received from her coworkers vastly improved when they realized that she was a lot stronger than she looked and what she was dealing with outside of work, those first several blows those couple of weeks had never really been openly addressed, and Abbie knew they had carved a piece from Alex's heart.

"Maybe I'll spend all my free time the next couple of weeks focusing on travel plans, then," Alex mused. "It'll give me something productive to do." She shook her head. "Otherwise, I'm afraid I'll drink myself numb."

Abbie nodded. "Arranging plans sounds much more pleasant than drinking," she said, her tone wary.

"I know, Abs. I know. I told you, no more than one drink and not daily. I'm a Cabot, Abbie. I gave you my word." Alex gave Abbie a small smile, and though it was weak, it was also encouraging.

Again, Abbie nodded. "I trust you, Alex," she said. "Now, eat your sandwich. I need you at your best for trial."

Alex smiled a little more genuinely and began picking at the croissant portion of her sandwich. After a few nibbles, she leaned back, licking her lips. "I don't want to go on a boat, though," she said.

"We won't," Abbie said. "Boats make me sea sick." It was not true, but she knew that for Alex it had to do with her relationship with Peter. Alex was playing the avoidance game, one that Abbie was all too familiar with playing herself. In the future, they could work through the things Alex was adamantly avoiding, but in the meantime, Abbie just wanted to make things as easy as possible. One struggle at a time.

"Can you snorkel?" Alex asked. Abbie nodded. "Good. There's some great snorkeling off of Sandy Cay. It's been almost ten years since I was out there. I'd really like to go back."

Abbie laughed. "Alright, sounds great." She leaned back nibbling at one of the orange coloured fries. "I don't think I've ever been outside of the United States. Oh, unless you count the one time I had to go to Canada on a case, but I didn't leave the hotel room except maybe once to run to the gas station across the street."

"I don't think that counts," Alex mused, taking a proper bite from her sandwich. She looked thoughtful as she chewed. Swallowing, she picked up a fry and twisted it in her fingers. "We could go to Canada, maybe Victoria. It's a jump across the water from Seattle."

Abbie nodded. "Maybe next time. I'm really liking this idea of sandy beaches and warm sun. I'll give you my bank card, and you can make making preparations your project this week."

"I don't need your bank card," Alex said with a small frown.

"You're not paying for the whole trip, Alexandra," Abbie said, her eyes wide. "I have no idea how much it would be, but I'm pretty sure it won't be cheap."

Alex shrugged. "I can cover it. You're coming to humour me, remember? It's only right that I pay for the trip."

Shaking her head, Abbie rolled her eyes. "You're so stubborn, you know?" she teased. "I'll figure out how to pay for something."

"You are," Alex murmured. "You're paying for a roof over my head. Consider this even payment."

Abbie sighed. "Fine. Speaking of, did that buyer take the apartment?"

Alex nodded. "I think so. The Realtor is going to call me if he makes an offer. I hope he does. At this point, I'll take just about anything. I just want the place off my hands and out of my thoughts."

"I can imagine," Abbie murmured.

"I really do need to start looking for my own place. I mean, I'm no longer your medical ward," Alex continued, forcing her mind to not head towards dark places. She focused on the fry as if her life depended on it. And, in some ways, the life of her mental sanity did depend on it.

Abbie snorted. "You're kidding, right?" she said, a pang of hurt striking her momentarily before reason kicked in. She knew Alex was not looking to get away from her but that she was just looking to prove to herself that she could stand on her own two feet. Alex looked confused. "I mean, Lex, I'm – I'm kind of getting used to, um, you know, someone in bed with me. I – maybe it doesn't feel like it to you, but the place is starting to feel like our place, you know? I mean, does it?" Abbie shook her head. "Feel like it's ours, I mean."

Alex stared as Abbie seemed to lose her nerve, her fears of abandonment showing through her otherwise thick skin. "I – really?" she asked, her voice soft and uncertain. "I just feel like some sort of invader. I know there's two rooms and two showers and plenty of space. And, I really like waking up with your arms around me, but I don't want to crowd you. It should be your place, and you've had to put up with me in it for so long. I kind of figured you'd be secretly relieved or something." Alex paused, meeting Abbie's eyes. "You look like you're going to cry."

Pressing her lips together, Abbie shook her head, blinking rapidly. "Alex, I want you there. If you want to be there, that is. I told you I would help you find a place when you were ready, and I still will, but I don't know that I'll be able to sleep without you in bed. And, I've gotten so used to cooking for two people. What am I supposed to do with the left overs?"

Biting her lower lip softly, Alex smiled. "Your, um, your insecurities are showing," she teased, her embarrassment that her cheeks were becoming flushed only turning them more red.

"I'm sorry," Abbie mused. "If you want to find a place of your own, I am happy to help house hunt. But, I will wish you'd stay every minute."

Alex chewed her cheek. "What happens if we break up?"

"I know five months doesn't mean forever, Alex, but do you know something I don't?" Abbie asked.

Shaking her head, Alex picked at her paper napkin, tearing a corner free, rolling it nervously between her fingers. "That's not what I mean, but we don't know where we'll be in another five months. What if you get tired of my neediness? I – Peter used to complain about it all of the time. I need a lot of emotional care from my partner, and I know it's not a great quality."

"You spend your waking hours hunting the bad guys, Alex, taking care of victims and putting on a strong front for politics. You're allowed to want someone to take care of you sometimes. But, you are not needy, not by a long shot. He verbally abused you, Alex, long before things became physically violent. He lied to you and made you believe you are less valuable than you are. You're an amazing woman, and you deserve so much better than what he did to you. The more you tell me about your relationship with him, the more I hate him." Abbie shook her head. It was something that they went around on a lot, but Abbie did not mind. She would tell Alex a thousand times a day if it meant that Alex was hearing about how wonderful she was and that the lies she had been told while in her previous relationship were exactly that – lies. "Starting tomorrow, Alex, I'll be doing everything in my power to prove why he needs to be locked up for the next twenty five years."

Alex shrugged. "Some of what he said is true, though," she mused. "I want to be held too much. I'm too much of a fucking princess. I always make other people do things for me instead of doing them myself. Even with you."

"No, not with me, Alex," Abbie said. "Wanting to be held is normal for humans. We crave physical contact, it's in our nature. And, physical contact in a romantic relationship helps to solidify the bond between the two people. You don't make me do anything. Everything I do for and with you is because I want to do it. You know me better than that, Alex. If I don't want to do something, when's the last time you saw me do it? How many times did I piss Nora off because I did my own thing? Oh my God, Jack and I were at odds all the time."

"But, you did what he told you to," Alex pointed out with a small frown.

"Dragging my heels every step of the way," Abbie said. "And, he knows it as much as anyone else in the office and on the bench. I even had a reputation going into the federal building. Look, my point is, I don't find you needy. I can't get tired of a trait that I don't see in you, even if you think you see it in yourself. Your argument is still invalid. Like I said, if it's something you want, I'm all for it. Let's start looking after we get back from the islands. But, it needs to be something you want, not something you think you have to do. I want you to live with me. I want to live with you. I enjoy waking up entangled in you every day. I like pretending to be asleep on Sundays while you trace little doodles into my hip and tell me your secrets. I like the way you laugh loudly and snort a little when we're watching movies on the couch and no one else knows that the proper Alexandra Cabot chokes on her lemonade just like the rest of us. I like making two omelets in the morning with two cups of coffee. Hell, I even like that the dishwasher is run twice as much because it means that we're happy, healthy, and together. I want you in the same home as me. But, now that you're medically better and in a better place emotionally, if you want your own place, I totally support you, and you can come over whenever you want."

Alex stared for a few seconds. Then, very slowly, she spoke so that each word was almost its own sentence. "You're awake when I do that?" she asked, eyes wide, color creeping up into her cheeks. She tried to think about all of the things she had softly told Abbie that she had wished that she could gather the courage to tell her when she was awake, or even just the stuff that she said because she was tired of holding everything inside. She really did see herself as needy, and that habit almost proved it to her, no matter what Abbie said.

Abbie balked, tearing at her fries. "Uh, mm," she garbled, looking away as she rolled her lips between her teeth repeatedly. "I, uh, I -" She sighed, drooping her head and exhaling loudly. "Yeah."

"You asshole," Alex said, though it was clear she did not think harshly of Abbie for it. "I've said things that I wouldn't have said if I knew you were awake."

"And, I don't think any less of you for it. Alex, we're adults in an adult world. We've both had things happen to us. I want you to share those things with me. I want you to confide in me and not just when you think I'm sleeping."

When Alex said nothing, Abbie slid into the booth beside Alex, gently wrapping an arm around the blonde prosecutor. "I want to hold you, Alex," she murmured. "And, I want you to want me to hold you."

That night, Alex fell asleep hugging a pillow in their shared bed, her own bedroom at the apartment more or less abandoned. Even as they did laundry, more and more of Alex's clothes were becoming mixed in with Abbie's, and Alex knew it was only a matter of time before she accidentally wore one of Abbie's suits to work. The brunette was only a size smaller, but some of her outfits still fit Alex, albeit a little snugly.

It was Alex's whimpering that brought Abbie to bed at nearly midnight, her opening argument dancing in her head. She had gone over and over and over the words that she intended to use to put the man who had raped the woman who shared her home and her heart behind bars. The case would convict itself, she knew, but it still felt odd and infuriating. She understood the call for alternate counsel in cases of conflict. It was difficult to separate the emotional aspect from the judiciary aspect. She was so angry with Peter for everything he had done to Alex, and it was taking a lot of focus to not allow that emotion to blind her to the legal aspects of the case.

For several seconds, Abbie watched as Alex twitched in the bed, her knuckles white around the pillow she was holding. Her feet kicked the comforter, and she moaned, her brow furrowed in pain. Her body tensed, and Abbie knew she was reliving her attack in her sleep. It was a nightmare Alex often had when Abbie was not in bed. There were several mornings when Abbie would wake up first to make breakfast, and Alex would jolt herself awake panting or whimpering a half hour later. Alex shuddered, yelping. So much of Abbie wanted to reach out and shake the woman awake. So much of her was afraid to knowing how self conscious Alex would be if she did.

"Peter," Alex mumbled, and Abbie felt the familiar whip of violence too close to home sting her soul. Admittedly, it had been several weeks since Alex had talked in her sleep from a nightmare, but that had not lessened the rip even she felt when Alex encountered memories and dreams that she could not control.

"Abbie," Abbie whispered, sitting on the side of the bed and stroking Alex's drenched hair from her face. She twisted the hair behind Alex's ear, stroking her fingers over Alex's cheek and jaw as she moved. "Abbie."

"Peter, stop," Alex mewled, tears rolling down her cheeks. She jumped in her sleep, gasping, the pillow falling to the side. Her arms whipped out, one smacking Abbie in the stomach, though not hard. Abbie gently curled her hand in Alex's, holding her fingers. "You're hurting me."

Carefully, Abbie wiped the tears from Alex's face even as she blinked back her own tears. Even though the blonde had no idea she was crying, it still broke Abbie's heart. The brunette wiped her thumb under Alex's eyes, pushing the sleeping tears aside. "He's gone," she whispered. "I'm here. It's Abbie. It's Abbie, sweetheart. I wish you could hear me."

"Abs?" Alex mewled, her body visibly relaxing, lips parting as her lids fluttered. For a moment, Abbie thought that she had woken up. But, in the next heartbeat, Alex sank into the bed, still sound asleep, her head lolling to the side, her nightmare evidently interrupted successfully.

"Yea," Abbie said anyway. "Abs. I'm here, Lex. I'm not going anywhere." She combed her fingers through Alex's hair, tracing her ear down to her jaw and over her lips. "I'm right here, baby girl. No one can hurt you, not any more."

"Hold me, Abs," Alex murmured, her hand falling limply across her chest as she rolled onto her back. "Abbie." Her fingers uncurled from the firsts she had made, her fingers twitching slightly. Alex gasped, sitting partially up before she sank back into the pillow. "Abbie."

Pushing the sheets back, Abbie crawled into bed beside Alex, wrapping her arms about her and draping a leg over Alex's legs. She held Alex securely against her body and buried her own face into Alex's neck. "I've got you Alex," she murmured. "I've got you, baby doll, and I'm not going to let you go." She pressed her lips to Alex's cheek. "I love you, baby."

Smacking her lips, Alex rolled into Abbie, her eyes fluttering open. "When did you come to bed?" she whispered, reaching up and touching Abbie's lips.

"Just a few seconds ago," Abbie murmured. "You're so beautiful."

Alex smiled softly. "I had a dream," she mused.

"Oh?" Abbie asked. "What about?" She slid her hand down to Alex's hip, entwining her fingers in Alex's. "I want to know all about it."

Alex frowned. "It started as a nightmare," she whispered, squeezing Abbie's fingers. "He, um, he pushed me back and held my arms. I squeezed my eyes closed – in the dream, I mean – and the pain in my arms stopped. So, I opened my eyes, and he was gone. And, I was lying on the couch, and you were leaning over me, and I felt safe."

Smiling, Abbie kissed Alex's nose. "I'm so glad that dream me makes you feel safe."

"Real you makes me feel safe," Alex murmured. She rested her hand on Abbie's cheek, rubbing her fingers near Abbie's ear. "I really like you making me feel safe. Everything about you has always made me feel safe." She pressed her fingertip against Abbie's lips, smiling delightedly as Abbie opened her mouth, Alex's finger to the end of her nail disappearing between her puckered lips.

Abbie's tongue danced over Alex's finger until the blonde moaned, her eyes fluttering shut. Slowly, Abbie released Alex's finger, kissing it before nuzzling her hand. "Trial starts tomorrow," she whispered.

"Think you can stay up just a little longer?" Alex asked, kissing Abbie softly as she rolled her onto her back, straddling her. "You said we could try." She looked down at the woman she slept with, twisting her brown hair in her fingers. Leaning down, Alex pressed a deep kiss against Abbie, exploring her mouth until even Abbie's brown eyes closed, her back arching.

Abbie ran her hands over Alex's back. "Baby, you don't have to do anything," Abbie whispered, sensing Alex's hesitation as she pulled away from the kiss. Alex's body felt tense, but only for a moment, as though hearing those words from Abbie served not only as a reminder that she was with a woman, not a man, but that she was in control over her body and Abbie respected that.

Licking her lips, Alex smiled. "I want to touch," Alex said. "Nothing like the other week. I'm not ready to freak out like that again, but I want to kiss you and feel you." She ran her fingers down Abbie's stomach. "I like this. I feel comfortable with you like this.

Abbie smiled softly, her fingers gently tracing Alex's fingers on her stomach as if drawing the outline of the woman's hand against her flesh. "If you're comfortable with it, baby," she murmured.

Sliding down Abbie's hips and thighs, Alex lay so that her ear was placed comfortably over Abbie's heart, the gentle thrum a loud boom in her ear. Through the fabric of Abbie's shirt, Alex could hear the air flow into and out of Abbie's lungs. It was such a steady rhythm that Alex felt hypnotized, lulled by the sense of safety and security as she cuddled with her girlfriend.

Without warning, Alex's own heart began to race. Breathing became difficult as a different scent flooded her nostrils, an older memory surfacing in her mind. Her whole body tensed. There was the smell of alcohol and sweat and cotton and snow, if snow could be said to have a scent. Still, she remembered: it was the dead of winter, hot cocoa on the table in front of them, dry socks on her feet, damp ones in the washer.

_He went still beneath her as she nuzzled against his cheek. "Goddammit Aly," he snapped. "What did I tell you about doing that?" _

_ "I'm sorry," Alex pouted. "I was just trying to warm up." _

_ "God damn, you're so needy. I need space. Get away from me," Peter growled, standing up and disappearing into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. _

_ Alex felt as if she had been whipped across the face. She drew her fingers along her cheek as though she could feel the open wound. Licking her lips, she slowly stood, pattering her way to the bathroom door. "Peter, honey?" she called. "I'm sorry." _

_ "Aly," he said, his voice too sweet. It made her flinch, but she did not notice. "I'm going pee, sweetie. I really need you to give me space right now." _

_ Pressing her lips together, Alex silently drifted into the kitchen. She began brewing a pot of coffee as she hovered in the kitchen, unsure of what to do with herself. As the pot stopped and she reached to pour the brew into two clean cups, she felt a pair of arms around her. A smile crossed her face as he pressed a kiss into her neck. _

_ "I'm sorry, baby," he whispered. "I didn't mean to get angry. I know you're waiting for the right guy, and I want to be that guy, but it's really hard when you bury yourself into my neck like that. I have really sensitive skin." _

_ Alex frowned. "I'm sorry," she whispered feeling as though it was all her fault. She should have known better. "I won't do it again, I promise." _

_ "It's okay, Aly Bear," Peter murmured. He gave her a gentle hug, and she dropped the coffee pot, spilling hot coffee down her stomach and thighs. She tried to step back, and the sharp pain in her foot let her know that the glass was sharp and scattered nearby. Alex yelped in pain, tears overflowing her eyes. _

_ "Oh, Aly," Peter murmured. "It's okay. Come on, let me get you cleaned up." _

_ She sat in silence on the couch as he cleaned her foot of blood and bandaged the wound. When he was satisfied, he picked up the mess in the kitchen and brought Alex a glass of wine and a smile. In those moments, she felt safe, cared for. He was the perfect gentleman._

Except that he was nothing of the sort. The more she vocalized to Abbie, the more Alex had learned the abuse she had suffered was more subtle. Incidents like the one in her memory, the images she was stuck with, the feeling of the pot of coffee slipping from her fingers, those were deliberate. He had been angry with her because she had been affectionate but not sexual, and even though he had said he forgave her, Alex knew that he was the reason the coffee pot had fallen. He had knocked the pot from her hands in the guise of a hug, and she had fallen for it. She knew because Abbie had wrapped her in a hug several times from behind in the kitchen, and Alex had never dropped what she had been holding.

But, Alex was gone in a series of memories and smells and emotions, a soft voice trickling through the dense fog of her mind. She had felt so safe but had, in truth, been nothing of the sort.

"Dancing bears, painted wings, things I almost remember," Abbie's voice softly sang. "And a song someone sings, once upon a December."

Alex's heart rate slowed as she focused on the lyrics, eventually humming along with the song until it was over and she felt more in control over her faculties. She was wrapped in the blankets on the floor of their shared bedroom in Abbie's arms, the brunette humming softly as Alex blinked. "My uncle used to sing that to me when I was little," Alex murmured.

"I know," Abbie said with a soft smile. "He told me." She pressed a kiss against Alex's forehead. Slowly, Abbie traced her fingers down Alex's shoulder and arm to her fingers. "Where did you go?"

Carefully, Alex slid from Abbie's embrace and curled her foot closer to her body. Her finger traced a bloodless scar on the top of her foot. It went through the foot, and she had been lucky that it had not damaged the nerves. "Safety is a lie," she murmured. Abbie's dark fingers followed Alex's over the scar, the contrast astounding as Alex watched, Abbie's skin gentle against her own.

Slowly, Alex's eyes met Abbie's, her body trembling finely. For several seconds, Alex's grey eyes held on to Abbie's brown ones, transforming from vulnerability to stone steel and back to something deeply afraid. Her view of the world was a dark and miserable view, particularly when it came to affection. Abbie had met Alex's father, and he existed in a very distant realm. Just from her conversation with George Cabot, Abbie could see how Alex had been set up and raised, her entire life, to become the victim of the abuse she had suffered at the hands of her most recent ex. "Please don't lie to me," Alex whimpered.

In that one plea, Abbie heard so much vulnerability in Alex's voice that it felt tangible. Abbie knew Alex was not just talking about the moment when her foot was injured, but she was talking about the lie that the word safety had set up in her life that far out weighed the damage the word love had done. Licking her lips, Abbie shook her head. "I can't make that promise," she said. Despite the honesty in her words, she could see the sting in Alex's face. "I'm so sorry, Alex, but if I make that promise, that will be a lie."

"I know," Alex murmured. She pressed her lips together, rolling them between her teeth. "You need your sleep."

"So do you," Abbie murmured.

Alex shook her head. "You won't get to me tomorrow. I'm going to go for a run. Please just go to bed."

"Alex, don't leave tonight," Abbie begged.

Biting her lip, Alex shook her head. "I need fresh air. Gimme a half hour, Abs. I can't get the scent of him off me, no matter how – no matter what – I just – thirty minutes, Abs. I promise."

Nodding, Abbie sighed. "Alright. Thirty minutes. And, then, I send Olivia after you."

Alex stood up, rooting through her drawer and grabbing shorts from hers. Abbie sat at the edge of the bed, watching as Alex changed into the running shorts. "Can I wear your rubber duckie shirt?"

"Sure," Abbie said, pointing to the drawer she had stashed one of her many running shirts in.

Alex found the shirt, tossing it on the bed beside Abbie. "I'll be back soon, Abs," she said as Abbie offered a worried glance. "Really." Changed, she pressed a kiss against Abbie's forehead and ducked out of the apartment, already moving at a light jog as she met the cool of the outside world.

Without thinking, Alex ran the familiar path from Abbie's apartment to her own place of employment. She would not run the entire way there, but she had no problems with running part way and then turning around and heading back. As her feet pounded the pavement, she tried to clear her head, but her mind kept wandering back to the coffee pot incident amoung others. She thought about other scars she had from accidents he had blamed her for: a broken lamp, the time she slammed her hand in the door, burning her hand on the stove. There was also the time she had wound up in the hospital after falling from the yacht onto the dock. When they had sent the social worker in to talk to her, she should have known, but she had been the klutzy girlfriend, the typical blonde.

As she ran, she felt the tears come down, hot at first, then cold as the air around her cooled them against her cheeks. The abuse had been subtle. Even she had not noticed it, and, even as she knew he had never felt genuine affection for her, she did not want to admit that he had blinded her senses. He had made her feel in control even when she was not. And, it was that lie that had Alex twisting in her own skin.

Finally, all out of tears, Alex stopped to walk, a stitch forming in her side. She stumbled into an alley to catch her breath, sliding down the wall, her head tossed back, hair drenched in sweat.

The yelp of a siren startled her, and she realized she had fallen asleep propped up against the wall. Immediately, she was grateful that she had left all of her money at the apartment, but she could not help but feel stupid.

"Cabot," a sleepy Olivia barked as the marked cruiser pulled over onto the side of the road. The detective stepped from the passenger side, a uniformed officer in the driver's seat. "Abbie is in all kinds of a tizzy. Are you okay?"

Blinking, Alex nodded. "Yea. I fell asleep," she mumbled.

"You're inspiring a ton of confidence," Olivia said as she crouched beside Alex, looking her over, searching for indications of injury or illness. "Well, you're not drunk."

Alex glared at Olivia. "No, I'm not," she snapped. "Is that what you all think of me? That I'm some kind of fucked up alcoholic who passes out in alleys?"

Olivia's brow raised. She hardly seemed phased by Alex's temper tantrum. "You can't blame me, Alex," Olivia said. "You're passed out in an alley the day before your rapist is put on trial. No one would judge you if you wanted to pass out."

Shaking her head, Alex bit her lip. "Believe me, there is so much about me right now that wants to get wasted, but I promised Abbie I wouldn't, especially since the last time, I nearly killed myself." Alex brushed the dirt from her hands as she stood up. "I don't want to disappoint Abbie."

Olivia smiled softly. "You love her," she teased. Alex shook her head, sucking on her lower lip. "You do, too." Olivia put her fists on her hips in a Peter Pan fashion, pursing her lips. "Don't even try that, Cabot. Is that why you took off on her tonight?"

"What did Abbie tell you?" Alex asked, her brow furrowed as her brain frantically tried to deviate from the elephant in the street.

"That you had a panic attack and you went for a run around one. She called at two, and it's almost three. She's at the apartment in case you returned before I found you. Fin's out looking, too. What happened when you had the panic attack?" Olivia asked, pulling out her phone. She sent what looked like a text message, and Alex could only assume that she was telling Abbie and Fin that their quarry had been located.

Biting her lip, Alex shrugged. For several seconds, she studied the concrete in front of her, but Olivia did not interrupt. Finally, flushed a light shade of pink, Alex mumbled, "I was cuddling. I felt safe, and that terrified me."

Olivia nodded. "You really did love Peter, huh?" she asked.

"I thought I did," Alex whispered. "I love who I thought he was, but when he wasn't -" Alex chewed at her cheek, exhaling slowly. Her hands were shaking, and her stomach was twisted in knots. "He abused me, and I didn't even notice it. The names he called me, the way he made me feel about myself. Liv, I felt like trash. I was clumsy, forgetful, and dense. I marveled that I hadn't been fired, but the confidence I had in myself – I don't know. I think it was mostly a lie. Maybe at the beginning, it was real, and that's why I was so easily deceived."

Olivia smiled that sad smile of someone who understood what it was like to see too much. "How do you feel around Abbie?" she asked, her voice soft. When Alex did not answer, instead, stared at the patrol car, Olivia turned to the officer still waiting. "Hey, Frank, thanks for helping me find her. I think we'll walk back, girl chat."

The man nodded, looking to Alex. "Whatever happened to you, you're better than he is," he said. Alex nodded her thanks, and he drove off, turning left at the next opportunity and vanishing.

"You haven't answered," Olivia said, her voice soft. "How does Abbie make you feel?"

Alex stared in the direction of the apartment she shared with the federal prosecutor. "Like a good attorney," she murmured, "Competent, confident. She makes me feel beautiful and wanted, especially when she touches my scars. She doesn't always know what to say, and she doesn't always say the right thing, but she doesn't judge me, either. And, I guess, I guess I don't feel like trash." Alex smiled faintly as they walked, her lower lip tucked in her mouth as she sucked on it.

"What do you like about Abbie?" Olivia asked.

With a soft chuckle, Alex shrugged. "I don't know," she mumbled.

Popping her brows, Olivia grinned. "Let me phrase it this way – what don't you like about Abbie?" she asked.

"I – I don't know," Alex answered. "It feels too good to be true. It's been almost five months, Olivia, and I haven't dropped a plate or stood too close to a door or cut myself picking up glass. She told my father off."

Olivia tipped her head, tucking her hands into the pockets of her blue jeans. "This is bad?" she asked, unsure from Alex's neutral demeanor about the statement.

"No," Alex said. "No. It was – it was wonderful, perfect. No one's ever told my father off before. She helped me stand up to him, to tell him that if he wasn't going to support me, then he could stay out of my life. It felt – I felt liberated. It was the first time since I brought Peter home that I didn't feel responsible for something that happened to me while dating him. I haven't talked to my father since, and I have seriously felt significantly less stress. I'm pursuing interests I want, such as staying in Special Victims as opposed to moving into a political position."

"So, what do you like about her?" Olivia asked, smile on her lips.

Alex offered a genuine smile that pushed the worry from her eyes for the briefest of moments. "The way she makes me smile," Alex answered candidly.

"How does she do that?" Olivia asked as they rounded the corner a block from the apartment complex.

Shrugging, Alex stopped, staring at the woman who was standing near the door talking with the night guard, her hands twisted in front of her as she chewed at her lip. From the distance in the light of the lamps, Alex could just make out the cell phone in Abbie's hand. It was Alex's, having been left behind when Alex had left in such a hurry. "She just does," Alex said with a sigh as she played with the hem of Abbie's shirt. Even though it had been clean before Alex donned it, the blonde swore it still smelled of her bed mate.

"Abbie," Alex called, breaking away from Olivia an jogging to meet the federal prosecutor. "Hey, baby. I'm so sorry. I cried until I couldn't, and I fell asleep, and I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry."

Gently, Abbie wrapped her hands around Alex's chilled form. "You are not stupid, honey. I'm just glad you're safe. When you didn't come home -" Abbie looked Alex over, but it was clear that Abbie looked in worse shape than Alex did, the colour drained from her face, her lip chewed until places scabbed over.

Hugging Alex once again, Abbie looked over her shoulder. "Thank you, Liv, for bringing my princess home," she murmured, kissing Alex's cheek softly.

"Anytime," Olivia said with a soft smile.

And, in the same heartbeat, Alex leaned forward, he lips touching Abbie's ear. "You can say it if you want to."

Abbie's eyes went wide, and she brushed the hair from Alex's face, her thumb smoothing over the skin of the blonde's cheek. "Really?" she whispered. Alex nodded. Abbie took a heart stopping breath as she watched Alex looking for signs that she might be giving permission for the wrong reasons. It was Abbie's greatest concern that Alex would try to punish herself with love and kindness and compassion.

When no signs of hesitation or even expectation merged into Alex's facial structure, Abbie smiled. "I love you, Alex," she murmured, her thumb gliding over Alex's mouth.

After a few seconds feeling like she was adrift in the ocean, Alex smiled softly. She had to trust the moment as well as her own capacity to thrive and love. She had fallen for a man who did not exist. But, it turned out that she had been falling, all along, for the traits that she thought the man had had. As those traits had shown up in Abbie, indeed, had been there the entire time Alex had known the woman, the blonde realized that she had the capacity to fall for her friend. And, though it had taken some prodding from Olivia for Alex to see what had happened, fall for her friend Alex had done.

"I love you, too, Abs," Alex whispered, her cheeks flushing a soft pink in the yellow-white light before Abbie pressed her mouth lightly over Alex's, the younger woman responding, her eyes closed, lips a parted invitation. Abbie lifted Alex, holding her tighter against her, Alex's legs automatically wrapping around Abbie's hips as she deepened the kiss.


	18. Chapter 18

_A/N: Thank you for your patience in this. :) I really do appreciate both that and everyone's feedback. I hope to have a bit more time to dedicate to the stories I have posted and the stories I'm still spinning on the computer at home. _

_As always, thank you for the reads and reviews. _

_DMAA_

Chapter Eighteen.

TRIGGER WARNING - self harm.

Abbie pressed her lips together, her hands folded in front of her. It helped that there were dark circles under her eyes and that her skin seemed shockingly pale. Even people who likely would not have known that she was almost perpetually tan seemed aware that something was amiss. After Olivia had walked Alex home earlier that morning, Abbie had not slept well, too afraid that Alex would disappear again. In those two hours that Alex was missing, all manners of events had played their way through Abbie's mind. If it were not for the fact that Alex's money, credit cards, and phone had all been left at the apartment, Abbie would have been worried about her deciding to drink herself into oblivion. As it was, she had been mostly worried that Alex had not picked up the predator again as she sought a means of personal redemption.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Abbie said as she bit her lower lip. Jury selection had gone by quickly that morning, and the jury was seated by lunch time. It helped that both her and Saunders were not shy about using their peremptory challenges. Neither attorney had put up much of a fight when jurors were dismissed with cause, either, considering that the cause was often victim-hood or perpetrator-hood, something both Abbie and David wanted to limit in the jury pool. Abbie had long learned that having victims in a jury was not always the best thing as some victims had not moved past self-blame and, therefore, had a difficult time not blaming the victims in other cases. She had learned to be careful there, treading the waters and testing potential jurors for more subtle reactions that hinted they may blame the victim just as much as anyone else. It was that kind of mentality that Abbie sought to clear a jury of. One had to be just as careful with perpetrators, even if they had done their time. So often, it was human nature to hate in others what was known to be wrong in the self. Abbie was wary of perpetrators, but she knew David would be, too, on the off chance that they used Peter's brutal sexual assault and attempted murder of Alexandra as an attempt at redemption either by convicting to make themselves look better or convicting to make themselves feel better.

"Thank you for your time and the time that you will dedicate for the next two or three weeks at this trial. Not only is it meaningful to me, as a prosecutor, that you are here to determine the facts of this matter, but it is meaningful to the victim, and that's the one person, through this entire endeavor, that I want you to think about. Yes, I want you to consider her believable. I know that I believe her account of what happened to her one terrifying night almost six months ago, but it is important that you hear her speak in her own words. I saw the injuries first hand, before they healed, and you will have the opportunity to see the pictures, pictures of bruises and cuts and scrapes from where her assailant grabbed her, hit her, and choked her, monstrous images of a monstrous attack.

"For you see, the defendant, Peter Feldman, attacked and almost killed Alexandra Cabot in her own apartment, two weeks after she broke up with him and begged him to stop contacting her. His harassment of her was so terrible that Miss Cabot sought judicial assistance in the form of a civil restraining order. She was afraid for her safety, and the judge agreed that she had reason to fear. But, a restraining order is little more than a piece of paper. It cannot prevent a restrained person from continuing to stalk his victim, and Peter did not stop stalking Alex. One night, only a few days after the order was granted permanency, he entered Miss Cabot's apartment building and circumvented security by posing as a delivery man for another apartment. The defendant then knocked on Miss Cabot's door."

Here, Abbie paused, her eyes appraising the jury. They were focused on her, eyes wide. Several wore expressions of anticipation. They wanted to know what happened next, and she wanted the image she was about to paint to stay in their heads even as the defence counselor spoke about consent because that was the only feasible argument Abbie could think David would create, especially since Peter had remained adamant that Alex had consented to violent, kinky sex. But, Abbie had always been a good story teller, and she wove the imagery of what had transpired that night in both a graphically vivid but vague manner so that people could emphasize whatever haunted them the most.

"As she realized Mr. Feldman was standing in her doorway, Miss Cabot attempted to contact the police only to have her phone snatched from her and broken. What followed next was a grotesque physical attack and rape where Alex begged not only for her life but for her ex-boyfriend to not rape her. When he was done, Mr. Feldman wiped his blood covered penis with paper towels, dropping them on Miss Cabot's naked, broken body. Barely conscious and bleeding, Miss Cabot huddled on the floor, unable to move and unable to cry out for help," Abbie finished the graphic story of what had happened overnight in her apartment. She was so glad that Alex had not been there to hear the retelling of that one night of her story. She never wanted Alex to know first hand just how vividly Abbie could picture the events as they had transpired. Sometimes, Abbie felt like she had been there, watching, but helpless and unable to rescue Alex. It made her feel worthless, and she hated it.

The judge had long ruled on a motion to leave Abbie's role in finding Alex out of the process stating that the state of New York would be hard pressed to find a prosecutor that did not have some connection to the Cabot family and did not owe gratitude to Alexandra herself who had her hands in several victim services projects across the state. It went without saying that the judge was not going to order that an already costly case cost the taxpayers more money by bringing in a prosecutor from another state. David did not even ask. "She lay there for nearly twenty four hours before receiving medical attention, the doctors all surprised that not only was she alive but she recovered from the physical injuries to be able to walk."

It was a hard opening statement to get through because the imagery was just as vivid in Abbie's head. She could still remember the smell of the kitchen when she had pushed open the door. The smell of semen and blood and sweat all compiled into one almost tangible thing overlain with the distinctive smell of unadulterated fear. Pressing her lips together, Abbie glanced over her shoulder, at the door to the court room looking as though she were debating on whether or not she was able to leave, letting the jury sense the anticipation of not being able to leave a terrifying situation and not being able to fight back. "Over the next two weeks, you will hear testimony from not only Miss Cabot herself about the events that transpired that night but from detectives, police officers, crime scene investigators, and people within the building supporting evidence that what happened to Miss Cabot that night was nothing shy of horrifying, terrorizing, dehumanizing rape and attempted murder."

Abbie sat down, forcing herself to keep her hands still. She wanted to cry, but in the interest of professionalism, she maintained a neutral visage as David took the floor, spinning out a story about kinky love gone wrong and a panicked man afraid and unsure of what to do. Abbie spared a glance to the jury box and found, to her pleasure, that many of the jurors were already looking at David with a mixture of disbelief and disgust. With evidence overwhelmingly in Abbie's favour and a jury who was already able to relate to Alex and disgusted with any attempt at justifying what had happened, Abbie felt her confidence boost just a little that she would walk away from the case with a guilty conviction. Her biggest fear was that a jury would not convict for fear that a conviction would make the horrors that humanity could dole out real. And, in all honesty, most human beings did not want to consider the depravity any one other human could exert.

When Abbie stepped in to the apartment that evening, it was quiet. Alex's laptop was open on the coffee table in the living room with a notebook nearby. Careful to remain quiet in case the blonde was asleep, Abbie picked up the notebook. In it, in Alex's neat penmanship, had been written the names of hotels as well as their general location and a mile number, though Abbie had no clue what the mile marker meant. She guessed it was a distance for a place Alex wanted to go. There was also a confirmation booking for two two way tickets to the British Virgin Islands.

Abbie smiled. Her passport was even laid out on the table, held open by a book. Nearby, a scrap piece of paper was a sketch of Abbie's passport photograph. The brunette attorney was surprised to see that it was clearly recognizable and, frankly, well drawn. A half filled coffee cup of cold coffee sat a small distance from all of that work along with a sketch book. Curious, Abbie knelt beside the coffee table and flipped the sketch book open. The first page was a quick sketch of the Statue of Liberty from a boat. Several other pages were of landmarks around the city. Then, the sketches became dark. One of a teddy bear with its head partially torn off, stuffing oozing out like blood gave Abbie the chills. If anything depicted the final loss of innocence more than such a brutal image, Abbie did not know what. The next was of a spider consuming a lantern. There was one of a woman falling from a tall building. Another depicted a wolf tearing out the throat of a lamb, the look of terror on the lamb's face deafening.

Finally, one made the tears welling in Abbie's eyes swell over as she gasped. Two sketches took up the page. One was of a man's face leering a the observer, the angle just right to give the impression that the man was leaning over the observer, pinning him or her down. The second was of a bird's eye view of a rape. The face and body of the woman resembled Alexandra's while the body of the man was familiar as Abbie had spent some time watching him as a defendant.

Pushing away the tears, Abbie flipped the page again. It was a door opening into a room which was cast in shadow. The next page was one Abbie was surprised to find – it was of her, but facing away from the artist. She was in court attire in a roughly sketched federal court room in New York City as she stood at a podium, likely arguing a motion. She had known Alex had stopped by a handful of times just to watch her in court when she had been banned from her own cases, but she had no idea that Alex had sketched her as well. The woman had never said anything. The next was of a dog catching a Frisbee in the park, mid-jump, his hind legs twisted a little. Another was a dark image of a bloody rope and ants crawling from inside of an unlit candle. The images alternated dark and peaceful, images drawn of Abbie increasing as she flipped pages. Some pages had four or five panels, often unrelated. Other images took up the entire page.

The last of the used pages in the sketch book worried Abbie the most. A dark, crumbling red smeared the page, too fresh to have had the chance to turn brown and too dried to be less than a few hours old. Abbie stood, searching for Alex in the apartment to check on her.

First, she checked both bedrooms, but they remained untouched. Then, she checked the bathrooms with the same results. It was with a sense of foreboding that she checked her kitchen, no longer surprised to find Alex curled up in the corner, her lids shut and her body slack. On the floor was a half empty bottle of Jack Daniels and an empty glass. In the sink, shards of broken glass told Abbie that Alex had likely dropped something. There was some blood on the glass, and Abbie guessed it was how she had cut herself.

"Hey, Alex," Abbie murmured, stroking Alex's hair back from her face. "Honey, wake up. It's bed time." She carefully unfurled Alex's arm from her body, almost jumping when she saw the mess of dried blood on Alex's arm and clothes. It was obvious that the varying short and long slices into Alex's arm had been intentional.

Exhaling pointedly, Abbie focused on suppressing the overwhelming heartache as she stood up and retrieved the first aid kit she had stored in the closet. It got its most use from treating Alex, and while Abbie was glad that she had the small box, she had not actually planned on using it. "Alex, honey, please wake up," Abbie murmured to the intoxicated woman. Slowly, she washed Alex's arm with alcohol wipes, noting that Alex did not even flinch. When she could see that none of the wounds were particularly deep, Abbie breathed a sigh of relief. She applied cream and bandages as necessary, returning Alex's arm to its resting position. The entire time, Alex remained unconscious, clearly knocked out by the booze she had ingested.

Quietly, though she doubted a hurricane could wake the sleeping woman, Abbie snuck away to their bedroom and pulled the pillows from the bed along with the comforter. Using the thick comforter as bedding, Abbie lay the pillows out before grabbing a blanket. One pillow was tucked between Alex's head and the cabinet, one blanket draped over her. Abbie took the other pillow and pulled another blanket over her, resting her hand on Alex's foot, tracing small circles on the top of her foot until she fell asleep.

When Abbie woke up, Alex had moved to share the space on the floor with her and was staring at her with a lopsided sort of look that Abbie could not quite place. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Me, too," Abbie murmured in return. "How's your arm?"

Alex shrugged. "You aren't going to tell anyone, are you?" she asked, her voice soft.

Shaking her head, Abbie pushed the hair from Alex's face. "Not right now," she said. "But, you have to promise to not do it again. If you want to hurt yourself, call me or the detectives or a hot line. If you can't do any of that, go to the hospital, please. I would rather have to pick you up from the hospital than find you half dead ever again, Alex." Abbie brushed her fingers over Alex's lips. "He almost killed you, but I swear to you I will put him where he belongs. If I could upgrade that to a coffin, baby, I would, but I'll take twenty five years of peace for you if that's all I can get. But, if you hurt yourself again, even if you just accidentally go too far, I don't know how to fight that battle. I love you, Alex, and, I want you to know that this time, that means something. Those words aren't like when he said it. I want you to know that, from me, love is a promise to protect you as long as you'll allow me to, to cuddle you late at night, to smile in the mornings when I see you wake, to listen, to talk, to sit in silence. It also means that you aren't alone in fighting your battles, Alex. Even if the person you're fighting is yourself."

Alex remained silent for several long seconds, her eyes absent. Finally, she sighed, and it sounded hollow and exhausted. "I'm not in control anymore, Abbie," she mewled, blinking away the tears. "I'm so afraid of hurting myself. I'm so afraid of hurting you. But, sometimes, it feels like it's the only thing I have a say in."

"I'm so sorry, Alex," Abbie whispered. "It's not fair, baby girl. It's not fair. And, I don't know how to fix it no matter how much I wish I could. I want nothing more than for you to be safe and happy, and I'll do what I can, but I don't know how to make you feel in control. I promise you that I will never do anything to your body that you tell me you do not want me to do. I promise to support your endeavors. And, I promise to love you for who you are."

Pushing the tears from her face, Alex shook her head. "You need to get ready," she whispered, forcing her logical reasoning to move to the forefront. If nothing else, Alexandra Cabot was good at putting on the mask. "You have a rapist to lock up."

"That I do," Abbie murmured. "Maybe you should call Don and see if they could use your expertise at the station."

"Very subtle, counselor," Alex teased. She smiled momentarily before frowning deeply. Of course, Abbie would not have been concerned if Alex had not acted the way she had. While the cutting had been an impulse control issue that really had meant that Alex was even less in control than she imagined herself to be, she had no real recollection of doing it. She just remembered being so out of control with hectic thoughts and sensations throughout her body that, when alcohol did nothing to numb her, the blood had. She did not even remember breaking the glass, though she vaguely remembered holding the glass in her hands. "Maybe I will. If nothing else, I can occupy a chair in their office."

And, occupy she did. Don invited her into the squad room considering the trial. He used the Swensen case and the McVitter case as an excuse, and Olivia had readily offered herself up to go over the subpoena they were applying for. Both women only halfheartedly went over it as Alex made most of the corrections in her purple inked pen.

"Would you answer me honestly if I asked how you were doing?" Olivia asked, stopping Alex as she wrote with a gentle hand over hers.

Biting her lip, Alex considered this for a moment before shaking her head. "No, I don't believe I would," she answered.

Olivia nodded. "So, how are you doing?" she asked.

"Fine," Alex answered.

"That bad?" Olivia mused.

Alex fought the tears. "He raped me twice, Olivia, after months and months of verbal abuse and subtle physical abuse. I can't tell the difference between what is really happening and what my brain thinks is happening any more. I can't tell the difference between nice and cruel. Abbie tells me she thinks I'm beautiful, and I flinch. A defendant throws a chair across the interview room, and I flinch. I know they're supposed to be different, but they feel the same." Alex swallowed to prevent herself from crying, but she was fighting a losing battle. "How am I supposed to be okay with all of that?"

"You're not," Olivia answered candidly, shocking Alex. "He did terrible things to you, and you are not supposed to be okay with that. No one is supposed to be okay with that. Being okay with that and expecting others to be okay is what is wrong with our culture. Be outraged. Be angry. Be afraid. Be confused. Be hurt. But, never, never be okay with what he did."

Blinking, Alex stared at Olivia, unsure of what to say. The detective had a way of surprising her constantly. She chewed at her lip and looked away, her mind whirling at light speed. It was difficult to maintain her Cabot composure, and she was sure if she looked at the detective, into those understanding and thoughtful eyes, she would break down.

So, Olivia continued, letting her words do what Alex fought so hard to prevent her eyes from doing. "What is okay, Alex, is that you work on healing. Work on grieving. He took things from you that he had no right to take, and it is okay to grieve that loss. It's okay to be angry with him and with the system. Abbie's going to make sure he goes to prison, but that doesn't get you back the time, emotion, and innocence. It's okay to seek support from us as your friends and from Abbie. It's okay to seek professional support. And, you know what? It's okay to cry and scream and throw a fit. You don't have to keep it all bottled up. I'm not going to think less of you if you do."

"Really?" Alex squeaked, losing her battle with her tears. She pushed the first tears aside, but when Olivia's arms wrapped around her and held her close, she lost even that minor battle, crying onto the detective's shoulder.

A gentle, familiar hand on her back made the impact of the pain lessen, and she felt Olivia slide away from her, another body replacing the detective's. It was warm and smelled familiar with a mint and lavender body wash, the faintest scent of sweat, and the scent unique to a court house like wood and chaos. "Sh," Abbie murmured. "I've got you, baby. It's going to be alright."

Alex's tears subsided, and she quietly shivered while Abbie held her, rocking slowly. "I've got you, baby girl," Abbie whispered repeatedly. "I've got you. You're safe." Gradually, Alex's shivers subsided, and she just leaned against her girlfriend, arms draped around her, focusing on her scent. As Alex looked up, Abbie smiled at her, clearly having been watching the top of the blonde's head for some time. Abbie gently pushed a clump of hair out of Alex's mouth and away from her face. "Hi, beautiful."

Smiling, Alex's lips faltered for only a second. "Hi, love," Alex murmured. It had been less than a day since Alex had muttered her love for Abbie, and more than five months since she had told anyone she loved them. After all, the last attempt to do so had ended poorly. She was grateful that the early morning affection had not turned painful as quickly as it had with Peter. She did not think Abbie would hurt her, but she could not shake the fact that it still made her nervous. After all, she had not even realized Peter had been hurting her.

Sitting up, Alex looked around the room. At some point, Olivia had left, the door closed behind her. The blinds were drawn, and Alex knew the room was fairly quiet. "Thank you," she whispered.

"I love you, Alex," Abbie said. "Honey, you don't have to be anything you're not in front of me. I want to be able to be your everything. You don't owe me anything, not even thanks."

Alex smiled. "Not fair," she teased, trying to lighten the effect of the last several minutes. "I want to be your everything."

Abbie chuckled. "Good," she said, "because you are." Plucking Alex's hand from her lap, Abbie brought it to her lips, brushing the backs of Alex's fingers with them. It was not quite a kiss on the hand, but the result was more reassuring than affectionate which was what Abbie had intended, anyway.

After a few seconds, Abbie broke out into a grin. "I'm starving. How about pasta and meatballs tonight?" she asked.

Alex spent the next two weeks haunting the precinct, Central Park, and a coffee shop not far from the court house. Except for her half day of testimony which felt like she was close to coming unhinged, she managed to stay occupied and away from her more self-destructive habits. Following her testifying, she had spent the rest of the afternoon in the children's interview room at the precinct, asleep courtesy of some low dose sedatives, a teddy bear for a pillow. She had not come equipped with great coping mechanisms, and the result had been self-destructive on more than one occasion.

When she woke up, her body hurt, but it was the first dreamless sleep she had since the trial began and one of the few moments of dreamless sleep since her attack. The medication left her a little disorientated, but there was something distinctly comforting yet still foreign about the teddy bear she had woken up clutching. Once she remembered where she was, though, she stretched out and wandered into the squad room, not surprised to find it abuzz with activity. On the other side of the door, the precinct was noisy. It almost made her want to retreat back.

The first person to notice her was Abbie who was sitting at a computer, clicking away at the keyboard. Two of the male detectives were on the phone with who knew who; Elliot Stabler was trying to direct a group of scantily clad women with blankets wrapped around them; and Olivia was talking to a woman a few feet away, her hand reassuringly on the young woman's shoulder. Abbie smiled and gestured for Alex to sit beside her.

"What happened in New York while I was drugged?" Alex asked, her voice soft.

"Stripper at Beanie's was raped. Another stripper saw it happen, and the bouncer pulled the guy off her. The guy took off, and they're trying to take statements," Abbie explained briefly.

"Oh," Alex murmured, watching the commotion around her with interest and a professional eye. Potentially, the women being herded through the precinct in that moment were her next witnesses, and she was already working out how to make them appear credible to a jury just in case. Although, in all honesty, she knew it was very unlikely that the detectives would catch the perpetrator. And, if they did, it was more likely that she and the defence attorney would reach a plea.

"How was the rest of court?" Alex finally asked, turning to Abbie.

Abbie leaned back, away from the computer, her hands folded across her stomach. "It was alright," she said, her words measured. "Saunders asked for a plea. Peter agreed to original charges."

Scoffing, Alex shook her head. "Of course," she murmured. "Peter got what he wanted. I had to humiliate myself in front of my coworkers and a panel of strangers by telling them repeatedly that I had multiple orgasms. Even from the defendant's chair, he's calling the shots."

"I'm sorry, honey," Abbie murmured. "I really am. I am happy to continue this trial, though. You've been humiliated more than enough, and he's okay taking the original charges. If he takes it, I'm still asking for the maximum in sentencing, and I'll ask consecutive, though the judge will probably rule concurrent. But, I'm also happy to humiliate him in court some more."

Alex shook her head. "It's not worth it," she said with a soft sigh. "He doesn't even realize he's being humiliated. That's the thing. He doesn't really think any of this will effect him. Or, maybe he doesn't care. He lost his job, his house, his everything over this. The reality still hasn't sunk in."

"I don't know if it will, Lex," Abbie admitted. "Men like him, they don't think reality applies to them. It's like they can't even perceive the idea." She shook her head. "I'm terrified of the day that privilege is argued in court as a mental handicap. I'm afraid they would win."

Sighing, Alex slumped in her chair. "Yeah," she agreed, shaking her head slowly. "I hope to God I am long retired by that point. I don't know how I would be able to cope. God, I suck at coping anyway."

Abbie gently placed her hand over Alex's. "You're dealing with a lot, Alex, stuff that most people don't have to deal with in their lifetimes."

"One third of women," Alex murmured. "One fifth of men. I mean, Abs, somehow the consolation that I'm part of a minority isn't enough. That's – it's too many people." Her lips tightened, but because the squad room was crowded and loud, she managed to stay mostly composed. "What are you doing on the computer?"

Abbie laughed, gesturing for Alex to pull up a chair. "You were asleep, and I couldn't bear to wake you."

"So you've been playing in a chat room?" Alex mused, looking over Abbie's shoulder, shaking her head. "You never stop surprising me, Carmichael."

Abbie chuckled. "My name's Tina. I'm thirteen years old. I like reading, video games, and concerts."

Briefly, Alex read over the context of the conversation she was having with someone with a screen name that alternated capital letters. Assuming that he was not playing a game, he was thirty years old from Tribeca and a video game designer. He had already invited "Tina" to his home to try out a new video game. There was a distinctly sexual undertone, and Abbie was carefully phrasing questions and statements to force his move first if he was a predator. A second screen that had been pulled up was a conversation between her and a computer crimes detective that Alex knew.

Leaning over, Alex typed, in the detective's chat window. _Hi Marky-Mark. Long time no see. Tea and biscuits at seven?_

The response was almost immediate. _When Detective Benson said she was setting me up with an ADA with free time, she didn't tell me it was you. How's my pooh bear?_

_Nah. ADA working the perp is Carmichael. I stopped in and saw it was you. You know me and temptation. Don't work too hard. Tell Tyler hi._

_10-4. _

"Tyler's his husband," Alex clarified as Abbie raised her brow. "Mark's old enough that he used to babysit me when the nanny needed a day off for extra cash in college."

"Holy shit," Abbie whispered, shaking her head. "He is old."

Scoffing, Alex playfully hit Abbie's shoulder.

"Give me another fifteen minutes to see if I can get this guy to spit it out. Otherwise, I'll give him Karla's number and she'll take over texting and talking on the phone with this guy."

Alex shook her head. "It reads like he wants sex, but -"

"I know. The bane of being a prosecutor."

Laughing softly, Alex pulled a chair up to the desk and watched as Abbie worked her charm on the man. It was definitely obvious to the two women who were accustomed to reading similar transcripts that the man had more sexual intentions than pure ones, but he was careful about how he phrased everything. Alex guessed that he had his run ins with cops before, and apparently, Abbie thought the same thing because she messaged: _Oh, shit. Moms home. GTG. Txt me? _And a number that Alex was not familiar with.

"Karla can take it from here," Abbie said, copying the entire transcript and pasting it into an email for Karla to read before texting the man back. Everything was saved digitally as well with Abbie's information in case they were able to catch the man at a crime, particularly if they were able to catch him attempting to sexually exploit whom he believed to be a child. A reasonable measure of deceit was allowable on the part of law enforcement when the intent of the criminal was not changed by the deceit.

"Does that mean I have you to myself tonight?"

Abbie nodded. "How's trip planning coming?" she asked.

"All set. Do you think Scorio will sentence tomorrow?"

Abbie groaned. "I hope so, Lex. I just want this trial behind us. This way, we can only look to the future, right?"

With an uncharacteristically demure smile, Alex nodded. "We should get out of here before they rope one of us, namely me, into an interrogation room," Alex whispered.

Abbie looked around the busy squad room before quickly logging off the computer. "I'm all set. Let's go," she said, grabbing Alex's hand and pulling her quickly to the stair way.


End file.
